Home Eating Magazine 2014

Sick and tired of all those leftovers? 

Full and bloated with festive food? 

Today we solve all your  problems with ideas to save you £££'s and help keep that waistline trim for 2015!

 Save money on expensive all in one 'ready meals' for children by making your own Willy Wonka inspired teatime treat. We call it the Cocktail Trifle, you can call it whatever you want because it relies on what you have left. Simply scrape up all the trifle bits and place them at the bottom of a fresh bowl, add in any assorted party snacks like cocktail sausages and chicken drumsticks until the trifle is peeking over the rim and the grease has congealed enough on top before adding squirty cream.

 Larger sausages and leftover pigs in blankets when inflated make ideal safety ski's combining the stability of a snowboard with meaty comfort footwear. NB sausages liable to 'pop' once inflated and may cover a large area in lips, eyes and arseholes.

Kids bored with their gifts already? Then fear not, teach them the ancient art of brussel marbles with your leftover sprouts. Full details of this unique game and more can be found at www.sproutygames.co.uk where you will also discover Sprout Throwing, Brussel Rolling and hundreds of other 'sprouty' games!

 Stale sausage rolls make ideal emergency car jacks, just avoid flaky pastry as these crumble on cars above a Ford Capri but there is an alternative if you have a handy foot pump...

 Keep a pump and several scotch eggs in your car and you can 'jack' up anything, anywhere! Simply pop the scotch egg under your vehicle, attach the nozzle and pump away, your vehicle will be ready and steady in no time at all! NB Do NOT over inflate, exploding scotch eggs have been known to cause serious injury and prevalent smells that will stick to your clothes.

 Feel like a real celeb and follow the trend setting Lady Gagamadonna who uses her left over Christmas pudding to great effect with this stylish bonnet! Or you could go one further and using several pipecleaners and leftover mince pies turn yourself into songbuster pianist Elton Scone

Wear your pies with pride and bellow out festive songs, you may even get stopped in the street and asked for an autograph!

We hope these ideas have been useful in clearing out those pesky leftovers, if you have an idea you would like to include simply write it down on a piece of bread and pop it in the toaster, it will get to us in no time at all!

Ivor Lotsagrub
Home Eating Magazine 2014

What A Waste Of Time

GOGGLEBLOG - E-Mails from our Readers

What a con these so called oven gloves are, I filled mine with cake mix and it didn't even cook it. Waste of money if you ask me.

P.Diddle, Halifax

Does anybody else go to the toilet at work? I do and find it so rewarding that I get paid to wee.

C.Drumstick, Dundee

Kids say the funniest things, only yesterday my son said 'I wonder if bananas can sing?' which was odd as he is a 42 years old bank manager.

Mildred Pilchard, Hull

I should think shoes should come with some kind of health warning, only yesterday I was wearing mine and walked into a lampost, surely it's only a matter of time before some shoe wearing individual comes a cropper!

R.Sole, Chappelhatpegs

I have dropped two bells and a cherry with three nudges left to win £2, can anybody recommend which reels to nudge?

B.Andit. Jackpot

Second reel twice, third once.

W.Inner, Pennyslot

I went downstairs over Christmas and met my 'family', they seem like nice people.

I.Pad, Appleton

This years sales are really disappointing, especially the one at Poundland, I for one will be shopping elsewhere in the future!

T.Hurrupenny, Bits

I went to Iceland this year for all my festive food as recommended on the television, imagine my surprise when all I found was several penguins and lots of snow and my bus trip cost me over £10,000. I for one will never shop there again, I'm sticking to the high street!

G.Raffe, Twycross

Is it just me or does this milk taste off today?

B.Itty, Twine

The best things in life are free so they say but I can't help feeling bitterly disappointed with my free air in my bag of crisps. Anybody else been disappointed by these 'free' gifts?

C.Rap, Monstermunch

I too have been disappointed by 'free' things, only yesterday I trod in some free 'dog eggs' and was not amused in the slightest, in fact I was so unamused I posted my soiled shoes through the nearest dog owners letterbox.

T.Urd, Wonkydonkey

Why has the blog been quiet over the last five days? I normally use it to cheer myself up after a night of heavy drinking.

T.Twizzler, Norfolk

Well, T.Twizzler have no fear, the blog is back from today with its usual waste of time and excessive drivel, enjoy!

Santa L Jackson

My name is Santa and I'm a lucky bugger. Who else gets 364 days a year holiday and is able to eat and drink copious amounts without looking like a house or spending months in rehab. Yes, I am the luckiest person in the world or am I?

...for a start what about all those bloody elves with their pointy hat and shoes talking in a ridiculously high pitched whine, it gets on my nerves pretty quickly I can tell you and I'm so close to taking their shiny little wooden hammers by January and shoving them so far up their **CENSORED** until they squeal.

Letters, I get absolutely tonnes of them all asking for something or other. Can I have this, can I have that, I've been good, rah, rah, rah. Once you have read one you have read them all so to make things interesting every year I always add something crap to their list just so I can see the disappointment on Christmas Day when amongst all the presents they open a pair of slippers or socks instead of that latest gadget. Little beggars.

Don't even get me started on the reindeers, bloody Rudolph acting like a diva just because he has a song written about him. Red nose my arse, it's all the booze he knocks away all year. On Christmas Eve it's hard enough to get him to stand never mind light the way. The other reindeers hate him, they still call him names but Rudolph just tells them to 'kiss my nose', only last year he was that smashed that he ploughed into several rooftops and chimney stacks, my sleigh insurance has gone through the roof!

Impersonators get on my tits too, dressing up in red with a crap beard pretending to be jolly in shopping centres. I have never been jolly in my whole life, what is there to be jolly about, nobody buys me presents every year. What about the mince pies and sherry I hear you say, well I'm bloody sick of them, anybody would be after eating your 25,256,267,384 one. Even the reindeers refuse to help after last year when we were all lavishly sick as we flew over Mansfield, luckily no one noticed.

Grottos. They are not magical, they suck. For a start they are draughty, bad places to fit furniture and too damn festive. Give me a bungalow anyday. If anyone as much as waves a candy cane infront of me after the 25th I swear I will beat them to death with the sticky end.

So this year I'm trying something different, instead of Jolly Fat Boy Santa this year you are getting Santa L Jackson.

Does he look like a bitch? Damn right I do you mother flickers and I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to mince pie and sherry my brothers. And you will know my name is the Santa when I lay my vengeance upon thee! Enough is enough! I’ve had it with these mother flicking reindeer pulling this mother flicking sleigh!

Pass me my sack, it's the one with mean mother flicker on it. You know me. It’s my duty to please that booty.

Santa L Jackson, you'll know I've visited because I'll leave you with a sack full of mother flickers and put the ho back in yo ho.

 

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Fawning Frumbler

If any of you are thinking of visiting The Mystical Bongo Bizarre market today in search for some last minute Christmas presents you are in for a treat, not only do the have the invisible hats back in stock but also we see a return of the wishing gum, chewing gum that grants you three wishes, how cool is that!

Here are some of the other amazing things on offer to fill your stocking this Christmas.

Get the latest in kitchen equipment with Finger Master (tm) the only finger grill in the world. Roasts chicken in seconds with a quick flick, snap your fingers to flambé, use two fingers to toast and a whole fist to barbecue, the choice is yours. One size fits all, optional flame guard and full fire proof suit available to avoid accidental infernos and troublesome flash fires. NB not for use indoors unless the room is decorated in fire retardant ceramic tiles and can withstand heat up to 1000 degrees. Stand well back when grilling, recommended distance is forty feet.

We now offer a rocket skate powered wheelbarrow delivery service on all our coal purchases. Why just put one piece of coal in a stocking when you can fill it to the brim? Imagine their little faces when they realise you have given them the gift of an open fire for Christmas the ungrateful little mares. When I was young I dreamed of owning a piece of coal, instead I got nuts, not this hokey rubbish like X-Bocks and Plystations. Give them a traditional Christmas, give em coal.

With the postal service being so expensive why not try our Festive Gift Cannon. For only £1 we will deliver any parcel of any size anywhere in the UK using our patented launch system. Impress friends when their festive parcel arrives speedily at 287mph through the lounge window and is safely caught in the remains of the Christmas tree that softened its landing. We have successfully launched everything from simple stuffed toys to goats filled with helium, although admittedly the goats are still in orbit most things arrive in one piece or pieces. One of our most popular services this time of year is to launch unwanted family members into the sea, along with inappropriate presents and gifts.

Meet Slapper(tm) our robotic marvel that is programmed to slap anyone with anything! It's a miracle of slapping technology and will happily slap away until his batteries discharge. Comes with mains adapter for twenty four hour slapathons. Special Slapper attachments include padles, bats, cushions and even a two foot rubber banana called the dominator. Treat someone to a slap this Christmas, you know you want to!

Be the proud owner of a real trouser snake with our Python Pants(tm) imagine the look on their faces when you reach down the front of your trousers and pull out a monster! Comes in a variety of sizes and colours, simply pick the one you like an choose your snake size. From Adders to Anacondas we have a snake to suit all with our guarantee that our Python Pants will keep you warm and others jealous with envy as you wriggle down the street.

Don't forget that today is the last day of the Bongo Bizarre and it will disappear in a poof of smoke sometime around 4:56pm. Have a great Christmas and don't forget today's magic words are 'Fawning Frumbler', use them twice in a conversation today for a special extra 10% off a Finger Master.

 

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

How Old Are You?

The new gameshow 'How Old Are You?' leaps from its prime slot on national television to become a feature on today's blog. For those of you that have never seen this incredibly popular and entertaining television show enjoyed by millions it aims to help contestants that have forgotten how old they are rediscover their age, accurate to within ten years, probably.

So without further ado, let me introduce your host for today Reg Todgers and his hilarious sidekick Busty Din fresh from his other hit show 3,2,1 I'm Going To Hurl.

'Hi, my name is Reg Todgers and what a show we have lined up for you folks so settle back in your high chair, arm chair or commode and get ready to play 'How Old Are You?

(Applause)

'As always we start with our catchphrase 'How Old Are YOU?'

Audience - 'NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS YOUNG MAN!'

(Applause and laughter)

'Here we go, remember your starting age is zero, each question you answer will add a number to your age, add them all together to get your real age. Question one'

'You are in the library and you see 'Fifty Shades Of Grey' filed under the romance section, do you...

A) Remove the filth and place it in the bin where it belongs
B) Pick it up and let it naturally flop open hoping to find the dirtiest page
C) Move it to the children's section
D) Snot

Add this to your age A)20 B)5 C)3 D)1

'Question two, visual question'

'Does this make you...'

A) Sob uncontrollably at the state of society and write an angry letter to your MP that wooden letters have been placed near crayons and transfers.
B) Laugh uncontrollably until you are sick and take a photo of it.
C) Post it on your blog as part of a desperate effort to entertain.
D) Fart.

Add this to your age A)20 B)5 C)3 D)1

'Question three, choose the correct words to fit both blanks...'

'I would like to _____ your _____ said Bert as he started stripping down to his thong and tightening his ball gag.'

A) fumble, frumpit
B) curdle, milk
C) wallpaper, wall
D) burp, name

Add this to your age A)5 B)4 C)20 D)1

'Question four, what is it?'

A) At my age I expect to be able to relieve my bladder every thirty minutes, this is most inconvenient and I will be reporting it to the manager.B) Captains log star date XXXLC) The work of a genius and the result of an awesome party.D) Poo

Add this to your age A)20 B)5 C)5 D)1 


'Final question folks, We have skilfully hidden a message in this picture, see how long it takes you to find it...'

A) Less than a second
B) Over thirty seconds but less than a minute although I did find STAR and BA
C) I'm absolutely disgusted with this, I will be writing a letter to my MP
D) Plop

Add this to your age A)5 B)10 C)50 D)1

'That's it folks, add up your scores and you should finally have your real age, write it down it may be useful later in job interviews or when trying to buy alcohol. How Old Are You?'

(Applause) 'NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS YOUNG MAN!'

Age Chart

You scored less than ten - Well done, you are a real toddler and the life and soul of any party providing it involves jelly and ice cream.

Between ten and forty - Well done, you are rapidly approaching the age where bits flop or drop off, get out the nasal trimmer and get ready, it's grim but you are the life and soul of those 'special' parties we know you go to.

Between forty and forty two - Enjoy your mid life crisis. Buy a fast car and pretend you are twenty, when you eventually come out the other end enjoy the downhill ride that's coming.

Forty three to seventy - Gradually start to moan about the good old days and how things were better in your day, write a blog if it helps to avoid you thinking about the bits that are stiff, don't work or are generally not as flexible as before. Start drinking heavily if it helps to block it all out and avoid using computers as you are not really very good at it because in your day you used pen and paper. Watch the news everyday to increase your depression and check the obituaries every week to see if any of your friends are in it.

Seventy to two hundred - It's all too late now to do anything about it so feel free to speak your mind anytime and be politically incorrect. It's also the time that you realise the best things in life aren't things at all so leave them with a cliff hanger and make your last words be 'Knock, knock' or 'Wow, so that's what it's all about'

If you are reading this on Facebook feel free to post your scores below :)

Michelin Standard

Yesterdays cryptic blog entry was to buy a bit of time whilst we visited the Michelin starred restaurant The Pipe & Glass to put together an event that has been in the planning for quite a while. In conjunction with the Artmarket gallery in 2015 we are about to host a fantastic event for the Lost Impossimals, a night of fine dining, a unique menu and the launch of a special Lost Impossimal revealing the story, history and secrets of top chef James Mackenzie and the Pipe & Glass.

 The event will be held in May of 2015 and is restricted to limited numbers, a specially designed Lost Impossimal menu created by James will accompany fantastical stories and imagery as we journey through Twistory, an alternative history from a delightful world beyond imagination leading to the first unveiling of a specially commissioned Lost Impossimal on the night.

 The food of course will be first class Michelin starred as befitting of a six times Michelin awarded venue and limited accommodation is available on a first come first served basis.

Reservations at the Pipe & Glass are full for months in advance and this event is expected to sell out in record time so to be in with a chance of securing your ticket, special edition brochure and numerous other selected items on the night or if you have any questions please contact the Artmarket Gallery in Cottingham who is organising such a fabulous event on 01482 876 003 or email them directly at GALLERY@ARTMARKET.CO.UK

It's going to be fab!

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The Perfect Christmas

I'm Santa and this is your guide to a festive frugal time this Christmas with some excellent designer ideas from a world famous bloke that's done a bit of decorating on television.

One simple way to make sure all your guests feel festive as they spend long hours on the porcelain throne after dinner is to jinglefy your cushion comfort rolls with the addition of a christmassy holly motif easily applied using a biro or crayon. For additional points keep a box of after eight mints in easy reach, not only will the minty taste help digest Christmas dinner but the resulting minty breath will also dispel most odours.

Carve potatoes with the initials of your guests beforehand and sprinkle with black pepper for a swish display of your culinary skills. NB This is not advisable if mashing potatoes, Inonce did that for guests called Robert, Caroline, Anthony and Paul, the resulting mash spelled out 'crap' on their plates, at least that's what I think they were on about when they mentioned that the potatoes were crap.

Cheese is always popular so make it more special by wrapping it in sparkly silver foil and add a sprig of holly as a flourish. Store in a warm room two weeks before hand to allow it to 'mature' before gifting it.

Got a heavy drinker in the family that costs oodles to keep supplied at Christmas? Fool them into drinking lemonade by decorating brightly and serving with a pint glass. If they still have the ability to see straight and read then simply write the word VODKA above the lemonade on the label for a new exciting drink 'Lemonade Vodka'. Make sure to place roller skates under the television and keep moving it around the room to create a vodka induced unsteady vision fooling your alcoholic guest.

Bin bags as presents can be so passé, make them special again by wrapping in ribbon before placing under the Christmas tree.

It's always a problem wrapping certain presents like toilet brushes, instead disguise them using items from the Christmas tree. A fairy makes an ideal toilet brush 'topper' and is ideal to keep out all year as an attractive display item for your guests. Crocheted toilet mats are a must to match and you can even add fluffy toilet seats to further enhance the luxury.

Decorations can be expensive so use freezer bag clips on ribbon for a useful festive display. Should space become tight in the kitchen simply 'peg' items to the display further enhancing it's attractiveness.

No table would be complete without a nativity display to wow your guests. Forget expensive ones from the shop just use all your leftovers creatively to give you a nostalgic glimpse into the true meaning of Christmas. Mushrooms make ideal kings whilst potatoes double up for Jospeh and Mary, feel free to add paper napkin hoods. Donkeys are best made from onions and a carrot manger completes the look.

One for the kids; turn any normal reindeer into the ever important Rudolph with the inclusion of a cherry tomato nose attached with Sellotape. Simple!

We hope these tips have been useful, don't forget to send me pictures of your cost cutting designer additions to your house!

 

 

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Down Wid' Da Kidz

(Cue Trumpet Fanfare)

(Show Horses and big palace)

(Focus on Christmas tree and crown)

"In this past year my family and I have been inspired by the courage and hope we have seen in so many ways in Britain, in the Commonwealth and around the world.

We've seen that it's in hardship that we often find strength from our families; it's in adversity that new friendships are sometimes formed; and it's in a crisis that communities break down barriers and bind together to help one another."

(Queen to look sombre but regal)

(National Anthem to play)

Said the Queen on Christmas Day but in the new hip age of pot noodles and iPhoneys isn't it time we made it 'fo da kidz?

(Cue Queenie rappin' out to some sick tunes whilst Phillip in his gold PJ's bangs on the walls at Buck Palace)

(Show Police car and foot chase across the mall with the Queen packing a uzi and wearing the latest footwear)

(Focus on Queen infront of Buck Palace raisin' two hands and sayin' 'This is where the magic appens', then cut to a series of black flash bulletproof cars and a gold horse drawn coach, cut back to Queenie 'This is ma' bling mobile'

Loads of buff dudes walk into Buck house and start pumpin', the camera cuts to the roof where nine scantily clad women are bouncing their back shelves and showing off their big bass asses to the tune of Snoop Dog'

Queen starts with gangsta sign.

"Family is dope, wit courage and hope, bin cruisin the world in a big black jag, son shacked up with a nag faced hag."

"On the streets they be hatin, no longer a riot, let one be quiet. Queenies gonna require more than bein hard, dress in the right attire so ain't no need fo' a body guard. I listen to people but they ain't listen back so I address the press by startin' an attack. The palace is dope and yawl have no hope, this country sucked and now you're all fu..."

(Cut to Queens face next to booty jiggling)

"If it ain't for the gin I wouldn't sin, from my regal crib full of stacks of quid, all you players and ho's, I rule, you don't. Merry Christmas motherhookers, word out."

(A corgi explodes, and Queenie licks a lollypop suggestively whilst pulling down her top)

(Ends on Ready To Die by Notorious B.I.G whilst Tupac is shown on screen)

(Black car pulls away with a close up on a license plate DA RULER, fifty pound notes flutter down the screen)

Not quite sure if it would come across as the same message but she could even wear her best tiara to bling the broadcast up and arrive in a Hummer, getting out in slo-mo whilst large bottomed women slapped their behinds and scantily clad men thrust their hips in her direction. Prince Phillip could do all the 'Yo, bitch' stuff in between and the rest of the royals could form her 'crew'. William and Harry could play pimps I suppose, bit stuck on where Camilla would come in unless she played a set of teeth.

Anyway, wadda fink?

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Ski Sunday

Today was a day out of the studio with a nice little trip to Lincoln, a place that is only about thirty odd miles away but for some reason rarely visited. It's quite quaint in the old town area around the cathedral with many independent shops and a gallery with Impossimals, well, it would be rude not to pop in and say hello and it really is a nice gallery too who made us feel very welcome on our impromptu pop-in. Nice.

Anyway today's blog is not about today but another day that isn't today. Make sense? No, didn't think so. Instead let me whisk you away to the centre of Aldi the budget supermarket and a quest to find the little sticks of chapstick type stuff, you know, the one that stops dry lips and things. They do a very nice one but only at certain times of the year it seems so imagine my surprise when I asked where they were and the shop assistant replied with a waft of her hand.

'Oh, somewhere over there in the skiing section.'

Let me stop you there and let that sink in. Aldi. Skiing section.

'Oh I'm sorry, would that be next to the Schoffel Hermine's or the Patagonia Powder Bowls? Or maybe I'm mistaken and I can't see the chapsticks for all the ski's.' as you can tell I wasn't falling for it.

'No, in the skiing section.'

'What skiing section?'

'Winter wear.' A straight thunderous face greeted me by now, I was obviously being difficult by not acknowledging the fine skiing apparel section.

'You mean gloves.'

'Yes, and hats.'

So that's it folks, gloves and hats in limited quantities and made from wool constitute an adventurous skiing section, so the next time you find me riding a tin tray down the slopes in St Anton or San Moritz wearing a woolly bobble hat and thin wool gloves about to smash face first into a pine tree just remember I saved oodles on expensive gear. #toptip

Before I go there's just one more tip I would like to impart, if you are ever looking for new glasses don't spend an hour choosing only to go to the desk and be told that they look great but they are women's glasses like I did, it really doesn't help ones confidence. Also when returning for your new glasses fitting session don't assume that the lenses are incorrect or that they are ill fitting because you are seeing double until you have checked that the optometrist is not indeed slightly cross eyed like I did.

And with that I died of embarrassment.

Have a great weekend!

'Tis The Season To Say 'Twas

 

 

'Twas the night beforeChristmas, when all through the house

Not an Impossimal was stirring, not even a mouse;

The stockings were hung by the easel with care,

In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

I was nestled all snug in my bed,

While visions of Impossimals danced around in my head;

When in the studio there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the studio I flew like a flash,

Tore open the door in such a dash,

When, what to my eyes did appear,

But a roomful of Impossimals drinking gallons of beer,

 

I knew in a moment it was not St.Nick,

And if they kept drinking heavily they all would be sick.

Sat in a corner an Impossimals eyes swirled around,

While two other Impossimals wrestled naked on the ground.

If you don’t go away you will make me quite mad,

I said trying not to sound too much like a dad,

You created us we can’t go away,

But I made you to be seen only in the day,

You know we have secrets that can be seen only at night,

Try looking at us when you turn off the light,

The Impossimals were right and the paintings do change,

If you turn off the light you will see them rearrange,

Into ciphers and symbols that tell more of a story,

Some even reveal secrets in all their full glory,

Of love and contentment and other such tales,

All painted in with attention to the details,

You see said the Impossimals we cannot go away,

We are in your head and here to stay,

I know I said but let’s make one thing clear,

If I am asleep and you fancy a beer,

Keep it quiet or St Nick will not come.

 

Just then from the corner came a noise like a drum,

Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

A fat jolly fellow who like Impossimals his shape was quite round,

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;

His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of my naked self;

 

Too many Sherries and Santa was drunk,

He stumbled from corner to corner tripped and then slunk,

Next to a naked Impossimal he had landed,

Took one look at them and said I am stranded,

With a naked Impossimal who smells of booze,

People will think I am such a flooze;

 

A roomful of chaos my mind couldn’t stand,

So I went back upstairs a little later than I planned,

To the land in my dreams of Impossimal tales,

With paintings to come of clocks, hearts and whales,

My mind never stops and I paint as I sleep,

The Impossimals are real and are trapped in me deep,

And a brush is my way of getting them out,

From the land of Impossimals to canvas they sprout,

To decorate rooms up and down the land,

With bright and bold colours that never seem bland,

To make me smile as I think...

 

Sometimes its madness that I stand on the brink.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

A Tint Of Rose

One big festive event when I was young was the release of the Christmas Radio Times, this along with the new Trafford catalogue heralded the excitement of Christmas in the 70's. Christmas started when it should, in December and not the first week in September which kinda waters down the thrill nowadays. I cannot describe the feelings Christmas used to stir during this time; you need to remember that there was no quick fix for entertainment, the shops were shut on Sundays, pubs had proper open and closing times and television although there was only three channels television was an absolute must for entertainment so the arrival of the Christmas Radio Times used to fill me with giddy excitement.

Flicking through its pages I used to, like many of my friends, circle all the programs I wanted to watch. There was no catchup TV or on demand services and owning your own video recorder was still some distance away so you had one chance to catch all your favourites or the big films that used to be broadcast on the day.

Now the sad part, this side never left me and I have kept every Christmas edition of the TV listings magazine since, that is until the late 90's when the television schedule was so poor around Christmas I abandoned my collection. So what I have is a small sample of television Christmas gold to occasionally flick through and looking back the programming was really quite good.

You always worry you look back with rose tinted spectacles but after flicking through the 1975 edition and specifically Christmas Day it was all rather good...

9.00: Ragtime

with MAGGIE HENDERSON and FRED HARRIS

Some nice sing-a-long tunes to start of Christmas morning, no cartoons blasting out, TV didn't start until 9am.

9.15: Hark the Herald Angels Sing

The Christmas story told in carols - mostly very familiar but a few new ones - readings and pictures, all by pupils of schools in Leicestershire.

You were too busy messing around with your presents around this time but the carols singing out in the background was a nice memory and quite comforting too whilst you created mahem with your Evil Knievel stunt bike and Chopper.

10.00: The Happy Prince

A cartoon: Oscar Wilde 's classic bittersweet story of a swallow winging its way south which stays to rest upon the sorrowing statue of a once happy Prince and stays behind to help.

Can you imagine any cartoon today being based on Oscar Wilde's work and being broadcast at prime time to patient children? 

10.24: Weather: BARBARA EDWARDS

The BBC prided itself on punctuation hence the 10.24 slot.

10.30: Christmas Morning Service

From St George 's Chapel, Windsor Castle 1475-1975 in the presence of HM The Queen, HRH The Duke of Edinburgh and other members of The Royal Family followed by the National Anthem.

A bit of royalty to sombre the mood because what comes next caused extreme excitement.

11.45: Rod Hull and Emu

Sing a Christmas Song with help from BILLY DAINTY

Nice, exciting, silly, just what Christmas entertainment should be. Who remembers Billy Dainty? A music hall embracing performer that is long forgotten but provided a staple of Christmas entertainment.

12.20: Laurel and Hardy

Pack Up Your Troubles

Christmas wouldn't be the same without a bit of Laurel and Hardy, they often used to play these most mornings over the Christmas break along with Harold Lloyd so my knowledge of appreciating great comedy grew at an early age.

13.20: Holiday on Ice

Your annual rink-side seat at one of the world's most spectacular touring ice extravaganzas.

Extravaganzas was what Christmas was about, whilst you are waiting for Christmas dinner surrounded by relatives what better way than to watch pure uncontroversial entertainment, quite often as in this case it was a big stage or touring show that they broadcast, something you would have only got chance to see otherwise live.

14.10: Top of the Pops

A special Christmas edition featuring No 1 records of the year.

Introduced by Tony Blackburn and Noel Edmonds including Mud, The Tymes, Pilot, Telly Savalas, Bay City Rollers, Tammy Wynette , Windsor Davies and Don Estelle , 10cc, Stylistlcs. Art Garfunkel, David Essex. with PAN'S PEOPLE

This was what everyone was waiting for, never underestimate the power of Top Of The Pops Christmas special in the 70's, this along with several comedy shows was Christmas in a nutshell. Quite often this was on during Christmas day dinner.

15.00: The Queen

The Queen speaks to the Commonwealth

And everybody stood at the end to the national anthem.

15.05: Billy Smart's Christmas Circus

From the Big Top, a special international gala presentation of the world-famous circus.

This was special even though it would be frowned upon with today's values, but then again people in the 70's would frown upon today's Internet led values so where are we going with this? It was family entertainment that fitted the time it was broadcast.

16.05: The Wizard of Oz

a feature film starring Judy Garland with Frank Morgan , Ray Bolger Bert Lahr , Jack Haley

The unforgettable Judy sings ' Somewhere over the Rainbow '; we follow the yellow brick road on our journey to see the Wizard and on the way meet The Scarecrow, The Tin Man and The Cowardly Lion - all elements in one of the most magical movies of them all, being screened today on British TV for the first time.

Can you believe we had to wait until 1975 to see this film for the very first time out of the cinema? That's what made Christmas films all the more exciting to watch. If you missed it you really did miss it and you couldn't rewind it either!

17.45: National News

Kenneth Kendall ; Weatherman

Nice Mr Kenneth.

17.50: Bruce Forsyth and The Generation Game

Starring Bruce Forsyth with Anthea Redfern

A bumper Christmas edition with family couples from all over the country joining Bruce and Anthea and surprise guests for an hour of festive fun for all the family.

Brucie was going strong in the 70's, with a general public that wasn't used to appearing on television it had a charming naivety about it all, plus the conveyor belt of gifts were all rather tame. Oooh Cuddly Toy!

18.55: Some Mothers Do'Ave'Em

Slapstick comedy from Frank Spencer, his typical antics and stunts around Christmas time were always a must watch but then came the gods of BBC television with the most anticipated show of all.

19.40: The Morecambe and Wise Christmas Show

A star-studded loliday special starring Eric morecambe and Ernie Wise

Over twenty seven million viewers watched the final Christmas show in 1977 such was the power of this well written and performed hour of entertainment, it was a pure Christmas staple. Watching it today brings back memories but it will never bring back the pure magic of the first time you watched it at Christmas.

20.45: Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

The world television premiere of the famous feature film starring Paul Newman , Robert Redford Katharine Ross with Strother Martin , Jeff Corey Henry Jones

You never met a pair like Butch and the Kid! The two most affable amiable outlaws in Western history are the subject of the most exuberant, exciting and engaging of all western movies - the story of Robert LeRoy Parker and Harry Longbaugh , otherwise known as Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

Big films got big billings, again a first time on television film in an age where most films had to survive seven years at the cinema before being allowed on our miniature televisions.

22.30: The Good Old Days

A Christmas edition of Old-Time Music-Hall from the stage of the Famous City Varieties Theatre, Leeds (by arrangement with Stanley and Michael Joseph )

For your delectation and delight, your Chairman, Leonard Sachs , introduces Vera Lynn

Sheila Steafel

A lot of viewers spanned a generation without television so programs like this catered for both worlds, television entertainment but music hall acts. Very well done and entertaining too.

23.30: Parkinson meets Bob Hope

Born in South-East London in 1903, Bob Hope moved to the United States four years later and grew up to become one of the legends of show business. Tonight he flies home to celebrate Christmas as Michael Parkinson 's special guest.

The King of chat shows normally had a big guest on at Christmas, Bob Hope was one of the biggest Hollywood could provide and completes a stunning line up for Christmas day, and this was just one channel!

The great thing was that hardly anything was a repeat, with only a few channels to fill it relied on quality rather than quantity and the 70's gave us some of the most cherished and well written television programs around and this made Christmas even more special. It was also quite calm television, shouting didn't really start until the eighties and has increased since.

ITV used to join in with a very similar paced day interspersed with films, special Christmas editions although by the time we had got to Morcambe and Wise time they had pretty much given up and resorted to the unfunny 'Get Some In' and 'Love Thy Neighbour', they did have Bay City Rollers though if you were Circused out on the Beeb.

9:00am Rainbow
9:15am A Heavenly Place
10:00am Service, from Luss Parish Church, Loch Lomond
11:00am A Merry Morning
11:45am Harold Lloyd's World of Comedy (b-w)
1:15pm Jack Parnell and the Big Band Show
2:00pm Chipperfields Christmas Circus
3:00pm The Queen speaks to the Commonwealth 
3:05pm Doctor in Trouble (film) starring Leslie Phillips, Harry Secombe, Robert Morley, James Robertson Justice 
4:45pm Captain Noah and His Floating Zoo
5:10pm News
5:20pm Bay City Rollers Show, with Gilbert O'Sullivan
6:20pm Christmas Celebrity Squares
7:00pm Crossroads
7:30pm Get Some In
8:00pm Love Thy Neighbour
8:30pm The Taming of the Shrew (film) starring Elizabeth Taylor, Richard Burton
10:00pm News
10:15pm The Taming of the Shrew (film continued)
11:00pm Beneath the Christmas Tree
11:55pm The Gabriel Assignment

BBC2 However loved to keep it all a little more serious.

11:00-11:25am Play School
1:25pm Yes to Man by Alan Ecclestone
1:30pm Christmas Day Play Away
2:05pm Prince Charles, Pilot Royal
3:00pm The Queen speaks to the Commonwealth 
3:05pm Swan Lake, ballet, with Margot Fonteyn, Rudolf Nureyev
4:45pm In Deepest Britain
5:35pm Nice One, a Cockney wedding
5:50pm The Yearling (film) starring Gregory Peck, Jane Wyman 
7:55pm Great Big Groovy Horse, rock-musical romp
8:45pm The Evacuees by Jack Rosenthall. International Emmy Award Winner 1975
10:00pm News
10:05pm Poems and Pints
10:30pm Presents Past. Victorian and Edwardian Toys
11:00-1:25am Guys and Dolls (film) starring Marlon Brando, Jean Simmons, Frank Sinatra, Vivian Blaine

The Christmas edition listing magazines will be out soon and I have just found a red marker in my drawer, I wonder...

God, did I really type all this out? I'm so sad!