Roll With It

Look! My loo roll has shrunk!

It's that silly season again, the season of the shrinking toilet rolls. I noticed with dismay that our local supermarket had stopped stocking our 24 pack of favourite brand of loo roll and that always spells problems. You see first they increase the price of the 24 pack by a few pounds then they remove it all together and offer 16 rolls at what seems a competitive price when in reality they have actually increased the price per roll. I read a report compiled over the course of eight years that charted a toilet roll, I know, the things I do for you, and basically it gave the weight, size and amount of sheets for each year. The end result was the toilet roll had lost an inch in size and over 100 sheets whilst rising in price but the best bit is this, you could still buy the same sized toilet roll eight years later at the original start of the survey size it was just now rebranded as a double roll and cost even more.

Profit shifting is one of the biggest pains in the arse so today I have been testing thrifty alternatives to the humble loo roll in a bid to save you pounds. Here are my results.

Tissue Paper

Whilst light and versatile tissue paper is notoriously unstable and prone to puncturing. I tried several types and whilst the white florist tissue paper wasn't too bad it still needed several fistfuls to work correctly. Coloured tissue paper however was prone to colour leakage, it took several days for the green tinge to disappear from my bottom.

4/10

Sandpaper

It may be fine for canaries but boy does it chafe! I started with a rough grain for grip but this soon proved too painful, a medium grain was a little better but still had a tendancy to remove skin. Fine grain whilst smoother tended to fold easily making the equivalent of a small sandpaper saw blade ripping me to shreds although it did give me a smooth finish that required little polishing to make it shine.

5/10 Start with the mix pack from the local DIY store and work up to emery paper.

Carpet

After buying a Axminster shag pile offcut I simply cut into strips and rolled around an old cardboard tube. Although giving superior luxury I found that I needed a Stanley knife to remove each sheet, most inconvenient slashing away whilst sat down. Once a sheet has been removed make sure you use the soft side and not the hard underlay which feels like you are rubbing a Jacobs cream cracker down there. Experiment with nylon and cotton mixes according to personal preference but avoid laminate and Lino. Carpet tiles may eliminate the need for cutting and can be left in their handy pack next to the loo.

7/10 if you precut the sheets, washable too!

Socks

Now you are talking, soft, durable, washable and fits like a glove. Add paper eyes for a toilet companion that will keep you amused until you have finished. Also you will never run out as you will always carry your own supply...on your feet!

9/10 it's a friend for your fingers.

Bed Sheets

It's a long and strong alternative but users may have difficulty flushing away double and king sizes. Extra comfort can be found using quilts and duvets whilst electric blankets may be warmed before use, just remember to unplug before flushing. May require several flushes and a good press with the toilet brush to help it on its way.

10/10 I'd use nothing else.

I hope these tips have been useful in combatting the large profiteering companies that plague our lives. Tomorrow we find out how to recreate any flavour of expensive Pot Noodles using old string, wood shavings and a yoghurt pot whilst learning all about home dentistry with kitchen implements.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Unforgettable

At the bottom of one of my drawers in the studio I unearthed an American superhero comic from the late 70's, I was never into superheroes much but the comics at that time were not that well established in the UK and more often than not tended to be the real imported American versions as opposed to the UK versions. They always intrigued me, not because of the story lines or artwork but because of their strange adverts for items I never knew existed.

Yes we had a joke shop nearby in Mansfield that sold plastic turds and such but these adverts were a completely different league from the childish things I could lay my hands on. Take a look at the photo above, who wouldn't want a Hercules Wrist Band or 8ft high balloons? Or maybe a giant slimy snake or bleeding skull candle was more your thing? It gave a sense of mystery about it that proved irresistible to me and I always longed to send off for some of the more quirky items. Alas it never happened, pocket money never stretched far enough to warrant a transatlantic order for an inflatable gorilla or a plastic sausage so instead I put up with an incredibly realistic looking polystyrene building brick, a prized joke shop find and contented myself with pouring boiling water on my plastic turd so it steamed and looked fresh. Urgh!

It all turned out well in the end when I came across this little book, apparently it wasn't just me that craved all these fantastical things.

A book about a guy with the same dreams only this time he tracked down all the items and displayed them in all their glory, boy did I save myself some disappointment!

There was one that I did fall for though, X-Ray vision, after all who didn't want to see through walls, clothes etc it was like being superman and I hastily released them from their plastic packet after handing over my hard earned 25p.

Why yes, I can see the bones in my hand! But why can't I see through clothes? Are they faulty?

No, they were not faulty, I found out when I took them apart. Between the thin cardboard lenses I found a birds feather. Seriously, they were stuffed with feathers. The X-Ray vision was just an optical illusion, I was gutted, I paid good money for a feather.

So if you have a passing interest in this type of stuff try hunting this book down, it's a great insight to the power of marketing, the deviousness of business and the general quirkiness of something of the like we will never see again. Now where did I put that foaming lighter and instructions to build a working laser pistol from an ordinary torch?

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Here We Go Again!

After being invited by Don Gregor on behalf of Bluebird Care, a national provider of care at home to participate in GoGoDragons 2015 an interactive arts sculpture trail bringing around 80 large painted sculptures and up to 100 mini school dragons to the streets of Norwich our dragon arrived safely yesterday at Impossimal HQ to undergo its transformation.

Each of the Dragons have been sponsored by a local business, group or trust and the sculptures after being displayed on the streets of Norwich for the summer will be sold off at an auction on 1st October 2015. The proceeds of this project will fund the valuable work of Norfolk charity Break who support vulnerable children, young people and families across East Anglia.

It's not the first time we have been involved with such a project, in 2010 we took part in the Elephant Parade, London and created the Impossiphant complete with spots, hearts and Impossimals which eventually went on to raise over £30,000 for the charity through its auction, subsequent limited edition miniatures and assorted memorabilia. We hope the dragon will help in some way to raise funds in a similar manner.

This weekend we start; measurements have been taken and rough ideas sketched out, we will be trailing the designs by sketching onto the dragon to see how they fit before approximately three weeks of painting starts to complete it. It's looking like we will use extra materials to add to the structure in some way to make it a tactile creation and it will include NFC technology to make it a truly interactive sculpture, possibly with its own website and story that can be accessed in various ways through smart technology.

 

So here we go again, all this will be attempted whilst I carry on with the Lost Alice piece now in its fifth painting week and create the special Lost Impossimal for the Michelin starred night at the Pipe & Glass in May.

 

Phew!

 

You can follow our dragon on Twitter at @sapphire1dragon or at @impossimal, all the dragons can be found tweeting away at hashtag #ggd15 and #gogodragons2015.

 

GoGoDragons can also be found on Facebook, Instagram and many other social media sites, simply visit www.gogodragons.co.uk for details of these and information about the charity the dragons are supporting.

 

Our fabulous dragon sponsor can be found at www.bluebirdcare.co.uk

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

ZX-2015

I recently read with some amusement the complaints regarding bugs and assorted glitches in one of the latest Assasins Creed games. Apparently players had to cope with distorted graphics, poor physics and other assorted inconveniences which obviously detracted from their total immersion in the world of murder and mayhem. The sense of disappointment and outrage from many teens and early twenties was tremendous even though as you can see above they were playing a product that took over thirty years to develop to this stage, when I was that age I didn't have the luxury of full 1080HD and 64bit, instead I swooned over this.

Boot Hill, a one or two player arcade game using state of the art graphics in 1977, did I complain about the poor animation, lack of colour and one channel sound? No, and you know the reason why? Because everything computer was crap.

Let me explain.

Growing up in the late seventies and early eighties exposed you to the first home computers and electronic games, as is the fashion for new trends the adverts and claims for the new technology was overstated to say the least. They tended to build up expectations to mammoth proportions only to leave you crying over wasted pocket money as the product failed to live up to the blurb.

I once saw this advert in a popular magazine and saved for weeks until I could afford to buy a copy. After all it promised a FULL COLOUR KONG jumping across the screen in this UNBELIEVABLE VIDEO GAME. This coupled with the advert almost promised an exact copy of the arcade game Donkey Kong, I couldn't believe it, only £5 for the home version of this!

I was so excited when it arrived that I rushed upstairs ripping off the packaging and loaded it into my trusty ZX-Spectrum.

Ah, so by full colour Kong you actually meant black with white nipples and Lego man grip hands. I particularly like the way no attempt has been made to impress, the barrels to jump are diamonds, the ladders to climb barely exist and the yellow background makes me want to throw up. The jumping was more shuffling and your 'man' looked like a figure denoting 'MENS' on a toilet door making the only thing UNBELIEVEABLE about it was how long they got away with selling it. The whole thing was totally unplayable and was classed as one of the worst ever computer games created by some websites, a sentiment I wholeheartedly agree with.

Things wasn't much better before this, Kong on the trusty ZX-81 (Black and white, no sound and no hires graphics) looked like this.

What is it with this game that all they concentrate on getting right is the nipples? Basically you are the 'A' and you had to climb the 'H's whilst avoiding the '*' to rescue 'J'. Yes, you had to have an awful lot of imagination to enjoy it.

Here's another, pilot a plane and bomb things in full colour!

Maybe not. For a start thats a biplane and not a B52 Bomber and secondly if I was running out of fuel I think I would have found somewhere flat to land rather than perform twenty bombing runs on a city to flatten all the skyscrapers so I could land.

Even Hollywood didn't help, how on earth could you mess up Bond?

Like this. Bond looks a little ill, still once the game got going it improved...

Sorry I lied, here Bond in his blue romper suit decided to create a pavement pizza after consuming too many Martinis.

So the next time something on the computer or tablet fails to live up to expectation just remember this; I had to endure Bad Cat.

Yes, this was really made and they charged good money for it.

Still, I'm not complaining, we did have access to explicit PORN...

That's when you REALLY had to use your imagination.

 

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Cadburys Creme Egg MUST READ!

Cadburys Creme Eggs have a remarkable history since their creation in 1476 which is why news of the apparent ingredient change has caused such uproar here in the UK. But did you know it's not the first time such a move has caused concern?

In 1598 Sir Reginald Quimby fought a vicious duel using pointy sticks after Sir Walter Wringwater accused Sir Reginald of being a 'bit of a fop' for using his tongue to enjoy his Creme Egg. Sir Walter prefered the direct chomp and after a two hour wrestle and fumble Sir Walter had to eat his words as Sir Reginald 'licked' him into submission. The dramatic scene was capture and is pictured above.

By 1845 the manufacturing of the Creme Egg was taken so seriously that wars were fought between competing nations for the prestige of producing the delicious delicacy. Above is the aftermath of the 'Eggy Wars' a battle between nations leading to great loss of life after the manufacturing country decided to change the wrapper from its original brown paper to foil, a move seen as overtly extravagant. Britain sent over 200,000 troops to defend the change and on the battlefield they flew a foil Union Jack which incidentally uses all the colours from the wrapper we see today.

Order was only restored in 1899 when pipe smoking Sir Dogsbody Whimsy signed the treaty of 'Stable creamery and chocolaty coating' cementing the formula and look of the Creme Egg we see today.

To protect the agreement a special squad called the 'Yokemen Of The Guard' was created. Wearing the tradional hollowed out chocolate hat is Jimbo Johnson (1900-1945) hidden under the hat is the original Creme Egg recipe. They vowed to uphold the secret and constancy of the Creme Egg until the day they died. Unfortunately they were disbanded in the late 80's and the secret recipe was accidentally leaked online in the 90's allowing anybody to recreate the chocolate and fondant filling. Needless to say the market was flooded with inferior eggs. Special egg smashing squads replaced the disbanded Yokemen who had special powers to enter any individuals kitchen suspected of Egg counterfeiting and smash any Creme Egg creation equipment they found.

At its most popular in 1935 a special commemorative Creme Egg was created by the Johnson Foundry in Sheffield. It took over two tons of fondant and was coated in a chocolate shell that was ten inches thick! Unfortunately when it eventually went on display the cabinet specially made by Mr Chippendale was not stress tested and the three ton Creme Egg caused the drawers to collapse sending the egg rolling down the hill into the gathered crowds scattering people like ten pins as it rolled on. Eventually it came to rest twenty six miles away in Hull where it crashed through the wall of a local school. Pupils had to be rescued from a river of fondant some with chocolate shards embedded in their clothes. Creating such a large Creme Egg was never attempted again.

Creme Eggs have a lighter side though, in 1941 Arthur 'Loopy' Screwfix after six years managed to piece together half of the remains of the 1935 commemorative egg to make himself a sea going vessel. It was stuck together using toffee to give a hardened finish and coated in treacle to stop water damage. Arthur eventually crossed the channel in his eggy boat to a rapturous reception. Unfortunately a few years later Arthur tried to find the source of the Amazon and fell fowl to the Honeycomber Tribe who took exception to Arthur's confectionary transport and sacrificed him to their God Crunchiemunchie. His boat was melted down to make a shrine for Crunchiemunchie and offers of the sacred honeycomb, an aeriated toffee substance was placed inside. Incidentally when this shrine was discovered many years later with its honeycomb centre and chocolate coating a well known confectionary chocolate bar was born. The Twix was created to celebrate Arthur's last gesture of two fingers before they beat him to death with his shoe.

Official guides were issued in 1924 to help combat 'Megging' or mugging for Creme eggs which had reached such epidemic proportions when the price of Creme Eggs sky rocketed due to the Government insisting that half a dozen Creme Eggs was actually five and not six. Show above is the 'Yolk Hold' or how to mame a potential Megger with several swift moves to the under meat area.

Warning should be taken from history, in 1965 the Creme Egg recipe was changed without the publics knowledge. An inferior chocolate was used for its outer casing and the resulting riots saw over a thousand corner shops raised to the ground by pitchfork and torch bearing crowds before the manufacturing company saw sense and returned back to the old recipe. Above is the scene of one of the worst when A.Tatlocks of Rum Street was ransacked after the discovery that the new type of Creme eggs had been sneaked into his Easter display hoping to avoid discovery. All that was left was Mr Tatlocks piano, he was never seen again.

Finally I'll leave you with a prediction from Nostaradamus who foretold of events for 2015 that seem eerily apt at the moment...

'Be eth thy egg, for 'twas thy change that wouldst cause great strife and calamity for forty days and nights until it restoreth as a righteous treat in thy eyes. Disaster be thy five egg dozen betwix thy inferior charlatan coating, tis the work of Belzebul himself, consider thy future carefully.'

Nostradamus 1627

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Be My Christmas Valentine

With a special occasion like Valentines fast approaching it demands a special declaration of your love, what better way to do it than to use all those left over Christmas items. Think of it as up cycling your love and saving the environment not to mention its also a nifty way to get rid of those toe nail clippers you got bought. So in a never ending deluge of strange blog entries here's how to impress your Valentines this Easter with special Christmas gifts for their birthday.

Crackers make ideal secret admirer gifts, simply post them to the object of your desire but change the motto inside to read something a little more romantic. Imagine their surprise when they find a cracker stuck through the letterbox, imagine their further surprise when it's pulled to reveal a paper hat, plastic ring and a motto that reads 'lol, you pulled me off :) will you go out with me? Xxx A secret admirer. P.S. I'm not stalking you but I hope you don't mind me saying your diary contains terrible handwriting'

If like me you still have that old real Christmas tree stuck on its side in the back garden slowly dying away to a pile of brown needles then you have the perfect opportunity to really shine. Simply stand it back upright and vacuum the remaining needles away so you are left with a bare tree sculpture. Photograph your own buttocks and print it out a hundred times passport style size. Loop a piece of string to each one and hang them decoratively on your tree. Pop the tree outside the front door of your Valentine early in the morning and instead of an angel place a sign on top that simply says, 'I'd bend over backwards for you'. Quite simply upon discovery your Valentine will be stunned with such generosity and romance is assured.

Use old left over festive food to make a hamper of love in an old shoebox, include the following poem to describe what each item means to you and your Valentine.

'Mince pies remind me of your eyes,
Christmas pud is because I would,
Pringles cause you give me tingles,
Christmas trifle for my Valentine eyeful,
turkey breast because you have boobies. Xxx'

Using an old Santa costume trim away the white cuffs until you are left with a red suit, using lipstick give yourself two rosy cheeks and drop the beard for an instant and impressive cherub look. Wait outside your Valentines with a bow and arrow until they leave the house then leap out and try to hit them with your 'love arrows' any direct hit and they will instantly fall in love with you.

Alternatively using your old Christmas stocking strip yourself naked, attach a bow around your neck and climb in. Get a friend to write the address of your Valentine on the front and post you. Miraculously you will be delivered to your Valentine like magic, as they open up the mystery sack leap out and shout 'Sexy surprise!' and wiggle your bits. Gets them every time.

Now's the time to recycle all those unwanted Christmas gifts, from character slippers to used combs any discarded and unwanted gift can be recycled into a Valentine token of love. Simply wrap in new 'non Christmas' paper or carefully colour in all the Christmassy things on the paper using felt tips, add a bow made out of pink toilet paper and viola, free up-cycled romanticised gifts from the heart. Alternatively if you have saved the giblets from the turkey there is bound to be a heart in there, use that, what come be more romantic although it could rove tricky to wrap so instead used silver foil for a stunning effect.

Finally, if you are still reading this drivel, take any hideous gifts you were given at Christmas and attach a bow to each, instantly they become Valentined and will be appreciated immensely by your Valentine, but for the ultimate declaration of your love wait until the stroke of midnight on the thirteenth of February and climb onto the roof of your Valentine with a bottle of Malibu. Strip down to your pants and holler 'Naughty or nice, here I come!' as you climb down the chimney. Shout 'Ho,Ho,Ho, I'm here to show how I function with my love truncheon' as you slip and slide down into the bedroom of your Valentine. Burst out from the fireplace and immediately launch yourself on top of them and whisper 'Will you be my Valentine?' in their ear.

Celebrate by sharing your Malibu.

Follow these handy tips and you will have the perfect romantic day, tomorrow I show you how to celebrate a birthday using real tigers, a shoe and several hammers.

The Little Shop Of Forgotten

'Stumble down a forgotten alley in a forgotten town close to where you live and you may, just may stumble upon a most unusual place. From the outside it looks like it has been frozen in time with its quaint old square windows and occasional bullseye glass to its dusty ageing shelves showing a varied amount of unusual objects skillfully displayed with years of experience to entice you inside. Everything seems strangely familiar, almost comforting as you stand looking through the slightly blurry windows. Your thoughts return back to your childhood; holiday time, Christmas time, birthdays, days away, everything you ever treasured from your past whispers back and you find yourself starting to form a little tear in one eye.

A little cough clears your throat and pushes back the tear. 'I'm an adult. Stop it.' You say to yourself as you pinch yourself for being so sentimental. Even though, you still feel compelled to enter.

The door opens to a different time, it's still a shop but it's sights, sounds and smells are all somehow part of you. As your eyes adjust to the darkened room your wonderment increases. From the corner of your eye you spot a favourite toy, then another and another. Your heart races with excitement as you move from shelf to shelf, display to display each with a cherished object, toy or ornament from your past. How could this be? Even the smell of the shop reminds you of home, of family, your childhood bedroom, first candy floss, comforting your way around your journey of discovery.

Just then a cough from behind a small dusty counter you hadn't even noticed draws your attention.

The flare of a long taper lights up the face of the shopkeeper as he reaches over to light a rather large and much used candle in a brass candlestick. Dressed in a dark red smoking jacket and wearing a rather amusing nightcap with a small golden tassel he fits perfectly in the gloom of the shop as if he had always been here. A kindly face peers out from underneath, not a face you see everyday, not the chiselled hard nosed type that exist in the city but more of a rounded cherub look etched with years of experience and kindness.

'May I help you?' Croaks the shopkeeper.

'Err, I'm not sure.' You reply not exactly sure why you entered in the first place.

'Not sure of what you may find or not sure what you have lost?' Replied the shopkeeper pulling out a long clay pipe and lighting it from the candle. A plume of coloured smoke swirls around his face as he speaks and for an instant you swear you see your younger self appear in the smoke.

Distracted you reply. 'Lost? I'm awfully sorry, I think I'm in the wrong shop.' You turn to the door but it is no longer there, smoke swirls around your face and you start to feel dizzy 'The door, where is it?'

'What door?' Comes the reply from the gloom, the shopkeeper is nowhere to be seen.

'Is this it?' Says the shopkeeper suddenly appearing in front of you with a small unusual shaped snow globe.

'No, don't be silly, that's not a door.'

'Oh, but it is... Look closer!'

You look at the snow globe but see nothing apart from a small figure stood alone that looks strangely like you. It cannot be, how could it be?

'I believe you lost this many years ago, here, take it, hold it...' He hands you the small snowglobe, as you take it the globe starts to glow and you begin to see you are not standing alone.

The first thing you notice is a stuffed toy that comforted you, then you see a small wooden rocking horse and a red ball as more and more appear then laughter starts to fill the room and your thoughts drift into the snowglobe. With each memory a new item appears inside and your emotions become more powerful. With eyes filling up you realise that this is no accident, the shop, this globe and everything inside has been calling to you through all the years but you have never known where to look. You have found your childhood.

The shop suddenly becomes brighter, the swirling smoke lifts and through tear strewn eyes you look afresh at your surroundings. The shelves are full of snow globes, each one full of little figures surrounded by an assortment of objects, all are glowing, all are looking for their owners.'

The Little Shop Of Forgotten, (Draft of story for Revelations T.B,C)

Imagine such a shop exists, a shop that has been holding on to your childhood waiting for you to return. Once you find it again I know you will never let it go.

In 2015 I will be building such a shop, the interior will be created as a small set and a painting produced from the model including its curious little shopkeeper but that is only the start. What if the shop contained your childhood in amongst the toys, objects and ephemera of the shelves?

This year you will have a chance to reclaim your own childhood. How will that be done? Well you will have to wait and see...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Your 2015 Revealed

I see the future.

My predictions specially tailored for you are as follows.

January

The year will start quietly when an undetected meteor smashes into your home completely destroying your collection of gonks and several smurfs. Further meteors smash into the small town of Mansfield causing widespread improvements.

February

After a warm winter the sudden snowfall takes you by surprise and you open your door to thirty foot of snow, it's only after several hours digging that you break through into the outside world to find that in reality only a 1inch covering had fell and the neighbours had collectivel tried to block you in.

March

You decide to treat yourself to a visit to a stately home. Half way round you accidentally break wind rather loudly and are embarrassed when a servant steps forward and says 'I can hear you Sir, keep shouting and we will find you!' Whilst another visitor adds 'I'm sure I can hear elephants.'

April

Prices tumble in the supermarkets and petrol dips to 99p per litre, bank interest rates rise on savings but remain at nearly zero on borrowing. You wake up and realise it was all a dream and the £10 you borrowed from Wonga has now accumulated interest to the value of £16,253.24 a fact that is bought to your attention when two burly men with sledgehammers appear at your door asking for your kneecaps.

May

Barely able to walk out of hospital you are delighted to find out you have won the lottery. Unfortunately it was a lottery you never entered and after lengthy negotiations with a Nigerian prince to claim your lottery prize you fear he may not be legit either. Not to worry you still have plenty of singles in your area throwing themselves at you according to your emails. After replying and meeting 'Derek' a six foot builder who wears wigs and lipstick you wonder if they were legit too.

June

You go on holiday to a far off sunny place and by far off I mean Skegness and by sunny I mean only on Tuesday's around 3pm for two minutes. You take advantage of the pleasure beach and ride the Wild Mouse roller coaster. Unfortunately halfway round the person sat next to you shows you a handful of nuts and bolts and asks you 'Are these important?' As you fly through the air over the pirate themed crazy golf course you notice that 99's are now £2.50 each and have small flakes before crashing through the front of a teddy grabber machine. A passing tourist pops in 10p and immediately wins you. By the end of June you find yourself sat amongst a hundred other teddy bears on a bed.

July

Time for a new job so you apply for Creative Food Consultant with people skills, looking for a change of career you apply and get the job! Congratulations! Welcome to McDonalds, would you like fries with that? Dismayed you apply for Senior Management Controller in charge of hiring and firing. You get it, Congratulations! You read the description again and realise you misread hiring and firing, it's actually wrapping and frying. Welcome to McDonalds, would you like fries with that?

August

You look for love and place a lonely hearts message in the newspaper. Yay! You get a reply and go to meet you date at the local restaurant. They don't turn up so you read the letter again and weep quietly when you realise you actually answered your own lonely hearts thinking it was too good to be true there was somebody else like you out there.

September

You buy all your Christmas presents early because the supermarkets told you.

October

An uneventful month although you do get many enquiries on to where you got your unique and hideous Halloween mask from. You don't own a mask.

November

Bonfire night! Such sparkles, bangs, bright lights, you see them all as you tumble accidentally down stairs. In a daze you wander into the bathroom to relieve yourself and struggle to sit on the toilet correctly as it seems rather high and uncomfortable, the toilet roll too seems rather large, bewildered and confused you return to bed. The next morning you find scrunched up kitchen roll strewn around the kitchen and some foul smelling liquid in the sink and all over last nights pots. In the garden you find an unexplored Bangboom Rocket Mk III wedged in the grass, as you approach it the first thing that enters your head is your backside as it unexpectedly explodes turning you inside out in the process. Dazed and confused you stagger back indoors and splash water over your face from the sink. You are immediately sick.

December

It's Christmas! You are reminded of this every ten seconds by various renditions of Christmas classics. Weeping uncontrollably at the latest supermarket adverts you buy handfuls of chocolate treats and retire to a darken room with just the television for comfort. Christmas comes and goes and a quick tally of what you have consumed is equal to the consumption of a small country. Your bathroom scales will not accept 'coach parties' and you have to be weighed at a public weighbridge. New Year's Eve you make several rash resolutions the worst being that you will stick to all your resolutions or at least make them stick until January 2nd.

Will 2016 be any different for you? Tune back in next January to Eric Accordians 'Your Year' 2016, it's all true and anybody that thinks differently can complain by writing to Padded Cell 264, Madmystics, Abra, Cadabra.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Teapot

 On my latest painting there is an awful lot of metal work to include. Metal is always tricky to get right so I tend to break it down a little to make it easier. First I get the metal I am going to paint and mix the colour accordingly until I can paint the object and the brush strokes disappear, particularly useful for this is old coins as I have lined up above.

 Once I have the basic colour then I can block in the rough shape, in this case a small teapot lamp that is only 2cm square, not much on a painting that is 48''x28'' but it still gets plenty of work.  The shadow is added too at this stage and as it bends around the corner its a two tone shadow.

 Once roughed in small highlights are added, not much but just enough for me to have enough information for adding the internal light.

 Things are much brighter now and I can brighten up the surrounding area accordingly but it still lacks the metal definition.

So more reflections are added, this time using a very fine brush loaded with white but with a small point allowed to hang from it. This is then carefully dragged in the right areas to give thin lines of reflection. That's the basics anyway, this will now be allowed to dry and then I will start the glazing, in other words thin layers of oil paint that will increase depth and complexity, its only then this will start looking like real bronze.

Well thats 2cm nearly done, only 8660cm to do!

It's All Scone Wrong!

It was the spur of the moment thing to get in the car and drive to a small town we had not visited in a while. Nothing special just a get out of the studio type of day; we didn't even mind that it was raining a little and we found a carparking space with ease adding to the relaxed atmosphere of the day.

We stepped out of the car and the heavens opened. I mean really opened making us both dash for the two umbrellas stowed in the boot. 'Typical, bloody typical' I said to Jayne, 'It'll clear up in a bit, come on we haven't been here for a while.' She replied.

Off we both trudged sloshing through the puddles. In a funny kind of way it was quite nice, the lights danced in the puddles, grey clouds honed in to darken the skies and it had that typically british feel about it. All the shops were warm making the dash between them quite fun, most had after Christmas bargains in them making shopping more of a discovery. A bauble here, a long metal slightly odd reindeer there and soon our shopping bags were filling up.

'Let's have a coffee and a scone' said Jayne and I agreed enthusiastically. We had passed quite a few coffee shops on the way, many looking rather inviting but there was one in particular that looked welcoming from the outside. Homely, warm and full of smiling people with pretty lights and promises of lashings of coffee and cake inside through delightful steamed up windows. We snaked our way back to the coffee shop, yes, it did look rather splendid compared to other establishments so eagerly we went in shaking our brollies as we entered. A quick look around and it was all rather full, full that is apart from a small table at the back corner. Ideal, it was away from the draught of the door and indeed away from the main run of the place so we could have our coffee and cake in peace.

We pulled out our chairs and somebody appeared to take our order. 'Ready yet?' She said chirpily. 'Err, not quite, can I just take my coat off and sit down please?'. 'Not ready? Do you want a drink?' She replied ignoring the fact that I was wrestling with the brolly and stumbling around as I found that when I lent on the table it rocked severely because the toilet roll tube wedged under one foot had come loose. That dear reader should have been a warning sign to turn tail and walk out of the establishment.

'Would you mind popping back in a minute or so please after we have had a look at the menu?'

'Oh, ok, no problem!' And with that she disappeared for a few minutes.

'Ahh, you're back!, could we have two Americanos with skimmed milk and two scones please?'

'A-M-E-RICA-NO-S, two and we have no scones, they have all gone.'

'Oh, ok, well we will have two tea cakes then with lashings of fresh butter please!'

'We have just sold the last tea cakes I'm afraid, we do have butter though.'

'They have sold out quickly, it's only 10:45am, do you normally sell out this quickly?'

'There's been a rush on.' She replied flatly, I was obviously stepping onto scone, tea cake territory that one mustn't speak of.

'Toast?' I said tentatively.

'We have toast.'

'I'll have two toasts one brown, one white please!'

'We only have white.'

By now the menu was looking rather restrictive but hey ho, white it is and away she went to get our meagre grub and coffee. Just then a table across from us with two children started pointing at us and looking concerned. I turned to Jayne puzzled and shrugged. Jayne looked over our shoulder expecting to see something worrying, instead she saw something far worse. We had just placed an order from a table in a 'paint your own pot' shop. Behind us was a massive rack of blank pottery of which children would have to squeeze by use to reach and squeeze by they did, one after another. Family after family poured in through the door to be seated around us for some silly pot-fest and groups of people clambered over us to pull out pots, Dolphins, mugs, bears and other assorted items, it was awful and neither could we move easily. All the tables had been strategically arranged to create a chair maze that allowed access to the paints and pots but not to the exit or the tills. Not a hint of this existed outside, it wasn't as if the place was called 'Pot Crazy' or 'Pot-a-Lot' it's name was quite normal giving no hint of the horrors inside, in fact it gave all the impression of an interior design shop.

So out of all the coffee shops we had passed, all the swish places we could have stopped we had chosen badly.

The gabble of pot carrying children and families increased whilst we waited for our toast. Then in burst a mother with her child and another lady that looked far too old to paint a pot that proceeded to speak at a volume just under ear bleeding levels. We knew she was loud because we quite clearly heard her order a scone and tea cake and get both before grabbing a small vase and proclaim to the whole room that she was going to paint a ladybird and required red paint. Well, that takes the biscuit! In disgust I nearly overturned the table and snatched assorted pots out of kiddies hands to dash on the floor in a fit of pique. Watching her trough into a scone AND a tea cake that we had been flatly told had sold out was too much and I purposely angled my chair to thwart her reaching the black paint for ladybird spots.

Unfortunately that involved her asking me to move leading to a small shower of scone crumbs and spittle as she clambered behind me pushing the top of my chair into my larynx with her large breasts. The coffee and toast arrived but I was unable to speak after the crushing action on my throat. Needless to say we soon finished and left. I walked outside and looked back in, she had left half a scone the wretch. It was about then an old lady with an oversized golfing umbrella who had been looking in the window to my side turned around and hit me full on in the temple with her brolly spokes and to finish the tableaux a passing car splashed me with water as it passed.

Hmm, that was the start of my 2015, think I'll stay in bed until Spring!

 

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Auntie Skippy

Dear Skippy,

My husband and I have been married for ten years but he still refuses to eat any meal I cook for him. I have tried everything from trifle and chips to his supposed favourite barbecued cabbage. All he seems to want to eat is odd food like pizza or spaghetti bolognaise, can you help?

Mrs E.Normous, Gwent

Skippy says, ttk,ttk-ttk,ttk ttk ttk ttk,ttk,ttk,ttk ttk t. (Help, I'm trapped down a well in Woolgonga!)

Dear Skippy,

Last night I looked through my wife's underwear drawer and found that I rather liked it, so much so that I started to wear her stockings and suspenders and strutted around the room in her high heels. Does this mean I'm a vegetarian?

Mr T.Rendy, Wick

Skippy says, ttk,ttk,ttk,ttttttttkkkktktktktktkttktk,ttk,ttk-ttk-ttk,tut. (Help, we are down to our last case of lager, bring supplies!)

Dear Skippy,

I write a blog most days about random things, does this mean that I am incredibly interesting or is it just all for attention?

I.Possimal, Arse-end

Skippy says, ttk. (Tosser)

Dear Skippy,

I find that when I listen to Polka music I have an unnatural urge to say the word 'plunge', likewise when I hear the foxtrot I feel the need to shout 'futtock'. Country and western music however causes me to place a cushion between my legs and gallop around the room, the question is should I buy a dog?

T.Ing-a-ling, Crotchet

Skippy says, ttk,ttk,ttk ttk,ttk,ttk,ttk,ttttktktktktktktktyttktktkykktkk. (Help! I'm stuck in the bush with nothing but a plastic banana, two spoons and a large antelope after riding a gnarly wave from Bondage Beach on my bonza surfboard. I'm also rather worried about Derek, he was riding the wave on a pedalo and the last I saw of him was when he sailed through the sky peddling like mad shouting 'ripper dude!', he crashed shortly after in a pile of plastic and pedals.'

Dear Skippy,

I'm trapped in a hole with two rampant koalas just outside Mwoolagong, send help!

R.Sole, Bottom Bay

Skippy says, ttk,ttk,tktktktktktt,ttttktktktktktktktyttktktkykktkk,ttttktktktktktktktyttktktkykktkk,ttk. (Tough titties!)

Tomorrow Rod Hull and Emus etiquette guide in a special pull out edition!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals