ZX-2015

I recently read with some amusement the complaints regarding bugs and assorted glitches in one of the latest Assasins Creed games. Apparently players had to cope with distorted graphics, poor physics and other assorted inconveniences which obviously detracted from their total immersion in the world of murder and mayhem. The sense of disappointment and outrage from many teens and early twenties was tremendous even though as you can see above they were playing a product that took over thirty years to develop to this stage, when I was that age I didn't have the luxury of full 1080HD and 64bit, instead I swooned over this.

Boot Hill, a one or two player arcade game using state of the art graphics in 1977, did I complain about the poor animation, lack of colour and one channel sound? No, and you know the reason why? Because everything computer was crap.

Let me explain.

Growing up in the late seventies and early eighties exposed you to the first home computers and electronic games, as is the fashion for new trends the adverts and claims for the new technology was overstated to say the least. They tended to build up expectations to mammoth proportions only to leave you crying over wasted pocket money as the product failed to live up to the blurb.

I once saw this advert in a popular magazine and saved for weeks until I could afford to buy a copy. After all it promised a FULL COLOUR KONG jumping across the screen in this UNBELIEVABLE VIDEO GAME. This coupled with the advert almost promised an exact copy of the arcade game Donkey Kong, I couldn't believe it, only £5 for the home version of this!

I was so excited when it arrived that I rushed upstairs ripping off the packaging and loaded it into my trusty ZX-Spectrum.

Ah, so by full colour Kong you actually meant black with white nipples and Lego man grip hands. I particularly like the way no attempt has been made to impress, the barrels to jump are diamonds, the ladders to climb barely exist and the yellow background makes me want to throw up. The jumping was more shuffling and your 'man' looked like a figure denoting 'MENS' on a toilet door making the only thing UNBELIEVEABLE about it was how long they got away with selling it. The whole thing was totally unplayable and was classed as one of the worst ever computer games created by some websites, a sentiment I wholeheartedly agree with.

Things wasn't much better before this, Kong on the trusty ZX-81 (Black and white, no sound and no hires graphics) looked like this.

What is it with this game that all they concentrate on getting right is the nipples? Basically you are the 'A' and you had to climb the 'H's whilst avoiding the '*' to rescue 'J'. Yes, you had to have an awful lot of imagination to enjoy it.

Here's another, pilot a plane and bomb things in full colour!

Maybe not. For a start thats a biplane and not a B52 Bomber and secondly if I was running out of fuel I think I would have found somewhere flat to land rather than perform twenty bombing runs on a city to flatten all the skyscrapers so I could land.

Even Hollywood didn't help, how on earth could you mess up Bond?

Like this. Bond looks a little ill, still once the game got going it improved...

Sorry I lied, here Bond in his blue romper suit decided to create a pavement pizza after consuming too many Martinis.

So the next time something on the computer or tablet fails to live up to expectation just remember this; I had to endure Bad Cat.

Yes, this was really made and they charged good money for it.

Still, I'm not complaining, we did have access to explicit PORN...

That's when you REALLY had to use your imagination.

 

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Cadburys Creme Egg MUST READ!

Cadburys Creme Eggs have a remarkable history since their creation in 1476 which is why news of the apparent ingredient change has caused such uproar here in the UK. But did you know it's not the first time such a move has caused concern?

In 1598 Sir Reginald Quimby fought a vicious duel using pointy sticks after Sir Walter Wringwater accused Sir Reginald of being a 'bit of a fop' for using his tongue to enjoy his Creme Egg. Sir Walter prefered the direct chomp and after a two hour wrestle and fumble Sir Walter had to eat his words as Sir Reginald 'licked' him into submission. The dramatic scene was capture and is pictured above.

By 1845 the manufacturing of the Creme Egg was taken so seriously that wars were fought between competing nations for the prestige of producing the delicious delicacy. Above is the aftermath of the 'Eggy Wars' a battle between nations leading to great loss of life after the manufacturing country decided to change the wrapper from its original brown paper to foil, a move seen as overtly extravagant. Britain sent over 200,000 troops to defend the change and on the battlefield they flew a foil Union Jack which incidentally uses all the colours from the wrapper we see today.

Order was only restored in 1899 when pipe smoking Sir Dogsbody Whimsy signed the treaty of 'Stable creamery and chocolaty coating' cementing the formula and look of the Creme Egg we see today.

To protect the agreement a special squad called the 'Yokemen Of The Guard' was created. Wearing the tradional hollowed out chocolate hat is Jimbo Johnson (1900-1945) hidden under the hat is the original Creme Egg recipe. They vowed to uphold the secret and constancy of the Creme Egg until the day they died. Unfortunately they were disbanded in the late 80's and the secret recipe was accidentally leaked online in the 90's allowing anybody to recreate the chocolate and fondant filling. Needless to say the market was flooded with inferior eggs. Special egg smashing squads replaced the disbanded Yokemen who had special powers to enter any individuals kitchen suspected of Egg counterfeiting and smash any Creme Egg creation equipment they found.

At its most popular in 1935 a special commemorative Creme Egg was created by the Johnson Foundry in Sheffield. It took over two tons of fondant and was coated in a chocolate shell that was ten inches thick! Unfortunately when it eventually went on display the cabinet specially made by Mr Chippendale was not stress tested and the three ton Creme Egg caused the drawers to collapse sending the egg rolling down the hill into the gathered crowds scattering people like ten pins as it rolled on. Eventually it came to rest twenty six miles away in Hull where it crashed through the wall of a local school. Pupils had to be rescued from a river of fondant some with chocolate shards embedded in their clothes. Creating such a large Creme Egg was never attempted again.

Creme Eggs have a lighter side though, in 1941 Arthur 'Loopy' Screwfix after six years managed to piece together half of the remains of the 1935 commemorative egg to make himself a sea going vessel. It was stuck together using toffee to give a hardened finish and coated in treacle to stop water damage. Arthur eventually crossed the channel in his eggy boat to a rapturous reception. Unfortunately a few years later Arthur tried to find the source of the Amazon and fell fowl to the Honeycomber Tribe who took exception to Arthur's confectionary transport and sacrificed him to their God Crunchiemunchie. His boat was melted down to make a shrine for Crunchiemunchie and offers of the sacred honeycomb, an aeriated toffee substance was placed inside. Incidentally when this shrine was discovered many years later with its honeycomb centre and chocolate coating a well known confectionary chocolate bar was born. The Twix was created to celebrate Arthur's last gesture of two fingers before they beat him to death with his shoe.

Official guides were issued in 1924 to help combat 'Megging' or mugging for Creme eggs which had reached such epidemic proportions when the price of Creme Eggs sky rocketed due to the Government insisting that half a dozen Creme Eggs was actually five and not six. Show above is the 'Yolk Hold' or how to mame a potential Megger with several swift moves to the under meat area.

Warning should be taken from history, in 1965 the Creme Egg recipe was changed without the publics knowledge. An inferior chocolate was used for its outer casing and the resulting riots saw over a thousand corner shops raised to the ground by pitchfork and torch bearing crowds before the manufacturing company saw sense and returned back to the old recipe. Above is the scene of one of the worst when A.Tatlocks of Rum Street was ransacked after the discovery that the new type of Creme eggs had been sneaked into his Easter display hoping to avoid discovery. All that was left was Mr Tatlocks piano, he was never seen again.

Finally I'll leave you with a prediction from Nostaradamus who foretold of events for 2015 that seem eerily apt at the moment...

'Be eth thy egg, for 'twas thy change that wouldst cause great strife and calamity for forty days and nights until it restoreth as a righteous treat in thy eyes. Disaster be thy five egg dozen betwix thy inferior charlatan coating, tis the work of Belzebul himself, consider thy future carefully.'

Nostradamus 1627

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Be My Christmas Valentine

With a special occasion like Valentines fast approaching it demands a special declaration of your love, what better way to do it than to use all those left over Christmas items. Think of it as up cycling your love and saving the environment not to mention its also a nifty way to get rid of those toe nail clippers you got bought. So in a never ending deluge of strange blog entries here's how to impress your Valentines this Easter with special Christmas gifts for their birthday.

Crackers make ideal secret admirer gifts, simply post them to the object of your desire but change the motto inside to read something a little more romantic. Imagine their surprise when they find a cracker stuck through the letterbox, imagine their further surprise when it's pulled to reveal a paper hat, plastic ring and a motto that reads 'lol, you pulled me off :) will you go out with me? Xxx A secret admirer. P.S. I'm not stalking you but I hope you don't mind me saying your diary contains terrible handwriting'

If like me you still have that old real Christmas tree stuck on its side in the back garden slowly dying away to a pile of brown needles then you have the perfect opportunity to really shine. Simply stand it back upright and vacuum the remaining needles away so you are left with a bare tree sculpture. Photograph your own buttocks and print it out a hundred times passport style size. Loop a piece of string to each one and hang them decoratively on your tree. Pop the tree outside the front door of your Valentine early in the morning and instead of an angel place a sign on top that simply says, 'I'd bend over backwards for you'. Quite simply upon discovery your Valentine will be stunned with such generosity and romance is assured.

Use old left over festive food to make a hamper of love in an old shoebox, include the following poem to describe what each item means to you and your Valentine.

'Mince pies remind me of your eyes,
Christmas pud is because I would,
Pringles cause you give me tingles,
Christmas trifle for my Valentine eyeful,
turkey breast because you have boobies. Xxx'

Using an old Santa costume trim away the white cuffs until you are left with a red suit, using lipstick give yourself two rosy cheeks and drop the beard for an instant and impressive cherub look. Wait outside your Valentines with a bow and arrow until they leave the house then leap out and try to hit them with your 'love arrows' any direct hit and they will instantly fall in love with you.

Alternatively using your old Christmas stocking strip yourself naked, attach a bow around your neck and climb in. Get a friend to write the address of your Valentine on the front and post you. Miraculously you will be delivered to your Valentine like magic, as they open up the mystery sack leap out and shout 'Sexy surprise!' and wiggle your bits. Gets them every time.

Now's the time to recycle all those unwanted Christmas gifts, from character slippers to used combs any discarded and unwanted gift can be recycled into a Valentine token of love. Simply wrap in new 'non Christmas' paper or carefully colour in all the Christmassy things on the paper using felt tips, add a bow made out of pink toilet paper and viola, free up-cycled romanticised gifts from the heart. Alternatively if you have saved the giblets from the turkey there is bound to be a heart in there, use that, what come be more romantic although it could rove tricky to wrap so instead used silver foil for a stunning effect.

Finally, if you are still reading this drivel, take any hideous gifts you were given at Christmas and attach a bow to each, instantly they become Valentined and will be appreciated immensely by your Valentine, but for the ultimate declaration of your love wait until the stroke of midnight on the thirteenth of February and climb onto the roof of your Valentine with a bottle of Malibu. Strip down to your pants and holler 'Naughty or nice, here I come!' as you climb down the chimney. Shout 'Ho,Ho,Ho, I'm here to show how I function with my love truncheon' as you slip and slide down into the bedroom of your Valentine. Burst out from the fireplace and immediately launch yourself on top of them and whisper 'Will you be my Valentine?' in their ear.

Celebrate by sharing your Malibu.

Follow these handy tips and you will have the perfect romantic day, tomorrow I show you how to celebrate a birthday using real tigers, a shoe and several hammers.

The Little Shop Of Forgotten

'Stumble down a forgotten alley in a forgotten town close to where you live and you may, just may stumble upon a most unusual place. From the outside it looks like it has been frozen in time with its quaint old square windows and occasional bullseye glass to its dusty ageing shelves showing a varied amount of unusual objects skillfully displayed with years of experience to entice you inside. Everything seems strangely familiar, almost comforting as you stand looking through the slightly blurry windows. Your thoughts return back to your childhood; holiday time, Christmas time, birthdays, days away, everything you ever treasured from your past whispers back and you find yourself starting to form a little tear in one eye.

A little cough clears your throat and pushes back the tear. 'I'm an adult. Stop it.' You say to yourself as you pinch yourself for being so sentimental. Even though, you still feel compelled to enter.

The door opens to a different time, it's still a shop but it's sights, sounds and smells are all somehow part of you. As your eyes adjust to the darkened room your wonderment increases. From the corner of your eye you spot a favourite toy, then another and another. Your heart races with excitement as you move from shelf to shelf, display to display each with a cherished object, toy or ornament from your past. How could this be? Even the smell of the shop reminds you of home, of family, your childhood bedroom, first candy floss, comforting your way around your journey of discovery.

Just then a cough from behind a small dusty counter you hadn't even noticed draws your attention.

The flare of a long taper lights up the face of the shopkeeper as he reaches over to light a rather large and much used candle in a brass candlestick. Dressed in a dark red smoking jacket and wearing a rather amusing nightcap with a small golden tassel he fits perfectly in the gloom of the shop as if he had always been here. A kindly face peers out from underneath, not a face you see everyday, not the chiselled hard nosed type that exist in the city but more of a rounded cherub look etched with years of experience and kindness.

'May I help you?' Croaks the shopkeeper.

'Err, I'm not sure.' You reply not exactly sure why you entered in the first place.

'Not sure of what you may find or not sure what you have lost?' Replied the shopkeeper pulling out a long clay pipe and lighting it from the candle. A plume of coloured smoke swirls around his face as he speaks and for an instant you swear you see your younger self appear in the smoke.

Distracted you reply. 'Lost? I'm awfully sorry, I think I'm in the wrong shop.' You turn to the door but it is no longer there, smoke swirls around your face and you start to feel dizzy 'The door, where is it?'

'What door?' Comes the reply from the gloom, the shopkeeper is nowhere to be seen.

'Is this it?' Says the shopkeeper suddenly appearing in front of you with a small unusual shaped snow globe.

'No, don't be silly, that's not a door.'

'Oh, but it is... Look closer!'

You look at the snow globe but see nothing apart from a small figure stood alone that looks strangely like you. It cannot be, how could it be?

'I believe you lost this many years ago, here, take it, hold it...' He hands you the small snowglobe, as you take it the globe starts to glow and you begin to see you are not standing alone.

The first thing you notice is a stuffed toy that comforted you, then you see a small wooden rocking horse and a red ball as more and more appear then laughter starts to fill the room and your thoughts drift into the snowglobe. With each memory a new item appears inside and your emotions become more powerful. With eyes filling up you realise that this is no accident, the shop, this globe and everything inside has been calling to you through all the years but you have never known where to look. You have found your childhood.

The shop suddenly becomes brighter, the swirling smoke lifts and through tear strewn eyes you look afresh at your surroundings. The shelves are full of snow globes, each one full of little figures surrounded by an assortment of objects, all are glowing, all are looking for their owners.'

The Little Shop Of Forgotten, (Draft of story for Revelations T.B,C)

Imagine such a shop exists, a shop that has been holding on to your childhood waiting for you to return. Once you find it again I know you will never let it go.

In 2015 I will be building such a shop, the interior will be created as a small set and a painting produced from the model including its curious little shopkeeper but that is only the start. What if the shop contained your childhood in amongst the toys, objects and ephemera of the shelves?

This year you will have a chance to reclaim your own childhood. How will that be done? Well you will have to wait and see...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Your 2015 Revealed

I see the future.

My predictions specially tailored for you are as follows.

January

The year will start quietly when an undetected meteor smashes into your home completely destroying your collection of gonks and several smurfs. Further meteors smash into the small town of Mansfield causing widespread improvements.

February

After a warm winter the sudden snowfall takes you by surprise and you open your door to thirty foot of snow, it's only after several hours digging that you break through into the outside world to find that in reality only a 1inch covering had fell and the neighbours had collectivel tried to block you in.

March

You decide to treat yourself to a visit to a stately home. Half way round you accidentally break wind rather loudly and are embarrassed when a servant steps forward and says 'I can hear you Sir, keep shouting and we will find you!' Whilst another visitor adds 'I'm sure I can hear elephants.'

April

Prices tumble in the supermarkets and petrol dips to 99p per litre, bank interest rates rise on savings but remain at nearly zero on borrowing. You wake up and realise it was all a dream and the £10 you borrowed from Wonga has now accumulated interest to the value of £16,253.24 a fact that is bought to your attention when two burly men with sledgehammers appear at your door asking for your kneecaps.

May

Barely able to walk out of hospital you are delighted to find out you have won the lottery. Unfortunately it was a lottery you never entered and after lengthy negotiations with a Nigerian prince to claim your lottery prize you fear he may not be legit either. Not to worry you still have plenty of singles in your area throwing themselves at you according to your emails. After replying and meeting 'Derek' a six foot builder who wears wigs and lipstick you wonder if they were legit too.

June

You go on holiday to a far off sunny place and by far off I mean Skegness and by sunny I mean only on Tuesday's around 3pm for two minutes. You take advantage of the pleasure beach and ride the Wild Mouse roller coaster. Unfortunately halfway round the person sat next to you shows you a handful of nuts and bolts and asks you 'Are these important?' As you fly through the air over the pirate themed crazy golf course you notice that 99's are now £2.50 each and have small flakes before crashing through the front of a teddy grabber machine. A passing tourist pops in 10p and immediately wins you. By the end of June you find yourself sat amongst a hundred other teddy bears on a bed.

July

Time for a new job so you apply for Creative Food Consultant with people skills, looking for a change of career you apply and get the job! Congratulations! Welcome to McDonalds, would you like fries with that? Dismayed you apply for Senior Management Controller in charge of hiring and firing. You get it, Congratulations! You read the description again and realise you misread hiring and firing, it's actually wrapping and frying. Welcome to McDonalds, would you like fries with that?

August

You look for love and place a lonely hearts message in the newspaper. Yay! You get a reply and go to meet you date at the local restaurant. They don't turn up so you read the letter again and weep quietly when you realise you actually answered your own lonely hearts thinking it was too good to be true there was somebody else like you out there.

September

You buy all your Christmas presents early because the supermarkets told you.

October

An uneventful month although you do get many enquiries on to where you got your unique and hideous Halloween mask from. You don't own a mask.

November

Bonfire night! Such sparkles, bangs, bright lights, you see them all as you tumble accidentally down stairs. In a daze you wander into the bathroom to relieve yourself and struggle to sit on the toilet correctly as it seems rather high and uncomfortable, the toilet roll too seems rather large, bewildered and confused you return to bed. The next morning you find scrunched up kitchen roll strewn around the kitchen and some foul smelling liquid in the sink and all over last nights pots. In the garden you find an unexplored Bangboom Rocket Mk III wedged in the grass, as you approach it the first thing that enters your head is your backside as it unexpectedly explodes turning you inside out in the process. Dazed and confused you stagger back indoors and splash water over your face from the sink. You are immediately sick.

December

It's Christmas! You are reminded of this every ten seconds by various renditions of Christmas classics. Weeping uncontrollably at the latest supermarket adverts you buy handfuls of chocolate treats and retire to a darken room with just the television for comfort. Christmas comes and goes and a quick tally of what you have consumed is equal to the consumption of a small country. Your bathroom scales will not accept 'coach parties' and you have to be weighed at a public weighbridge. New Year's Eve you make several rash resolutions the worst being that you will stick to all your resolutions or at least make them stick until January 2nd.

Will 2016 be any different for you? Tune back in next January to Eric Accordians 'Your Year' 2016, it's all true and anybody that thinks differently can complain by writing to Padded Cell 264, Madmystics, Abra, Cadabra.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Teapot

 On my latest painting there is an awful lot of metal work to include. Metal is always tricky to get right so I tend to break it down a little to make it easier. First I get the metal I am going to paint and mix the colour accordingly until I can paint the object and the brush strokes disappear, particularly useful for this is old coins as I have lined up above.

 Once I have the basic colour then I can block in the rough shape, in this case a small teapot lamp that is only 2cm square, not much on a painting that is 48''x28'' but it still gets plenty of work.  The shadow is added too at this stage and as it bends around the corner its a two tone shadow.

 Once roughed in small highlights are added, not much but just enough for me to have enough information for adding the internal light.

 Things are much brighter now and I can brighten up the surrounding area accordingly but it still lacks the metal definition.

So more reflections are added, this time using a very fine brush loaded with white but with a small point allowed to hang from it. This is then carefully dragged in the right areas to give thin lines of reflection. That's the basics anyway, this will now be allowed to dry and then I will start the glazing, in other words thin layers of oil paint that will increase depth and complexity, its only then this will start looking like real bronze.

Well thats 2cm nearly done, only 8660cm to do!

It's All Scone Wrong!

It was the spur of the moment thing to get in the car and drive to a small town we had not visited in a while. Nothing special just a get out of the studio type of day; we didn't even mind that it was raining a little and we found a carparking space with ease adding to the relaxed atmosphere of the day.

We stepped out of the car and the heavens opened. I mean really opened making us both dash for the two umbrellas stowed in the boot. 'Typical, bloody typical' I said to Jayne, 'It'll clear up in a bit, come on we haven't been here for a while.' She replied.

Off we both trudged sloshing through the puddles. In a funny kind of way it was quite nice, the lights danced in the puddles, grey clouds honed in to darken the skies and it had that typically british feel about it. All the shops were warm making the dash between them quite fun, most had after Christmas bargains in them making shopping more of a discovery. A bauble here, a long metal slightly odd reindeer there and soon our shopping bags were filling up.

'Let's have a coffee and a scone' said Jayne and I agreed enthusiastically. We had passed quite a few coffee shops on the way, many looking rather inviting but there was one in particular that looked welcoming from the outside. Homely, warm and full of smiling people with pretty lights and promises of lashings of coffee and cake inside through delightful steamed up windows. We snaked our way back to the coffee shop, yes, it did look rather splendid compared to other establishments so eagerly we went in shaking our brollies as we entered. A quick look around and it was all rather full, full that is apart from a small table at the back corner. Ideal, it was away from the draught of the door and indeed away from the main run of the place so we could have our coffee and cake in peace.

We pulled out our chairs and somebody appeared to take our order. 'Ready yet?' She said chirpily. 'Err, not quite, can I just take my coat off and sit down please?'. 'Not ready? Do you want a drink?' She replied ignoring the fact that I was wrestling with the brolly and stumbling around as I found that when I lent on the table it rocked severely because the toilet roll tube wedged under one foot had come loose. That dear reader should have been a warning sign to turn tail and walk out of the establishment.

'Would you mind popping back in a minute or so please after we have had a look at the menu?'

'Oh, ok, no problem!' And with that she disappeared for a few minutes.

'Ahh, you're back!, could we have two Americanos with skimmed milk and two scones please?'

'A-M-E-RICA-NO-S, two and we have no scones, they have all gone.'

'Oh, ok, well we will have two tea cakes then with lashings of fresh butter please!'

'We have just sold the last tea cakes I'm afraid, we do have butter though.'

'They have sold out quickly, it's only 10:45am, do you normally sell out this quickly?'

'There's been a rush on.' She replied flatly, I was obviously stepping onto scone, tea cake territory that one mustn't speak of.

'Toast?' I said tentatively.

'We have toast.'

'I'll have two toasts one brown, one white please!'

'We only have white.'

By now the menu was looking rather restrictive but hey ho, white it is and away she went to get our meagre grub and coffee. Just then a table across from us with two children started pointing at us and looking concerned. I turned to Jayne puzzled and shrugged. Jayne looked over our shoulder expecting to see something worrying, instead she saw something far worse. We had just placed an order from a table in a 'paint your own pot' shop. Behind us was a massive rack of blank pottery of which children would have to squeeze by use to reach and squeeze by they did, one after another. Family after family poured in through the door to be seated around us for some silly pot-fest and groups of people clambered over us to pull out pots, Dolphins, mugs, bears and other assorted items, it was awful and neither could we move easily. All the tables had been strategically arranged to create a chair maze that allowed access to the paints and pots but not to the exit or the tills. Not a hint of this existed outside, it wasn't as if the place was called 'Pot Crazy' or 'Pot-a-Lot' it's name was quite normal giving no hint of the horrors inside, in fact it gave all the impression of an interior design shop.

So out of all the coffee shops we had passed, all the swish places we could have stopped we had chosen badly.

The gabble of pot carrying children and families increased whilst we waited for our toast. Then in burst a mother with her child and another lady that looked far too old to paint a pot that proceeded to speak at a volume just under ear bleeding levels. We knew she was loud because we quite clearly heard her order a scone and tea cake and get both before grabbing a small vase and proclaim to the whole room that she was going to paint a ladybird and required red paint. Well, that takes the biscuit! In disgust I nearly overturned the table and snatched assorted pots out of kiddies hands to dash on the floor in a fit of pique. Watching her trough into a scone AND a tea cake that we had been flatly told had sold out was too much and I purposely angled my chair to thwart her reaching the black paint for ladybird spots.

Unfortunately that involved her asking me to move leading to a small shower of scone crumbs and spittle as she clambered behind me pushing the top of my chair into my larynx with her large breasts. The coffee and toast arrived but I was unable to speak after the crushing action on my throat. Needless to say we soon finished and left. I walked outside and looked back in, she had left half a scone the wretch. It was about then an old lady with an oversized golfing umbrella who had been looking in the window to my side turned around and hit me full on in the temple with her brolly spokes and to finish the tableaux a passing car splashed me with water as it passed.

Hmm, that was the start of my 2015, think I'll stay in bed until Spring!

 

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Auntie Skippy

Dear Skippy,

My husband and I have been married for ten years but he still refuses to eat any meal I cook for him. I have tried everything from trifle and chips to his supposed favourite barbecued cabbage. All he seems to want to eat is odd food like pizza or spaghetti bolognaise, can you help?

Mrs E.Normous, Gwent

Skippy says, ttk,ttk-ttk,ttk ttk ttk ttk,ttk,ttk,ttk ttk t. (Help, I'm trapped down a well in Woolgonga!)

Dear Skippy,

Last night I looked through my wife's underwear drawer and found that I rather liked it, so much so that I started to wear her stockings and suspenders and strutted around the room in her high heels. Does this mean I'm a vegetarian?

Mr T.Rendy, Wick

Skippy says, ttk,ttk,ttk,ttttttttkkkktktktktktkttktk,ttk,ttk-ttk-ttk,tut. (Help, we are down to our last case of lager, bring supplies!)

Dear Skippy,

I write a blog most days about random things, does this mean that I am incredibly interesting or is it just all for attention?

I.Possimal, Arse-end

Skippy says, ttk. (Tosser)

Dear Skippy,

I find that when I listen to Polka music I have an unnatural urge to say the word 'plunge', likewise when I hear the foxtrot I feel the need to shout 'futtock'. Country and western music however causes me to place a cushion between my legs and gallop around the room, the question is should I buy a dog?

T.Ing-a-ling, Crotchet

Skippy says, ttk,ttk,ttk ttk,ttk,ttk,ttk,ttttktktktktktktktyttktktkykktkk. (Help! I'm stuck in the bush with nothing but a plastic banana, two spoons and a large antelope after riding a gnarly wave from Bondage Beach on my bonza surfboard. I'm also rather worried about Derek, he was riding the wave on a pedalo and the last I saw of him was when he sailed through the sky peddling like mad shouting 'ripper dude!', he crashed shortly after in a pile of plastic and pedals.'

Dear Skippy,

I'm trapped in a hole with two rampant koalas just outside Mwoolagong, send help!

R.Sole, Bottom Bay

Skippy says, ttk,ttk,tktktktktktt,ttttktktktktktktktyttktktkykktkk,ttttktktktktktktktyttktktkykktkk,ttk. (Tough titties!)

Tomorrow Rod Hull and Emus etiquette guide in a special pull out edition!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

In With The New

The picture above was taken on Christmas Eve in the middle of nowhere and seemed a fitting image to feature on the blog as we both look back on a good year for the Impossimals and also Jayne's hard work eventually paying off with the launch of her ceramic wildlife art.

So where do we go from here?

That was the reason I was stood on top of a peak on Christmas Eve watching an incoming ice shower roll over the hills; 2015. As the ice shower hit we both found shelter under a overhang of rock and waited for it to pass by. It may seem a little odd to cast yourself out into the elements on such a day, or even that we both ventured out in such conditions to walk seven miles across rough terrain but it's doing this that clears the mind of trivia and starts the whole thinking process off again. In 2015 we need as much clear headedness as we can get as we start the countdown to lots of events we have lined up.

New Impossimals will appear around February, in March and April we will be back on the road with select appearances whilst back at the studio we may be painting a six foot dragon as part of GoGoDragons that will go on display on the streets of Norwich. By May we host an evening at the Michelin starred restaurant The Pipe And Glass with a special menu created by James Mackenzie and the unveiling of The Secret Pantry, a special Lost Impossimal created just for the event (tickets are limited, contact us if you would like more details). Summer is spent adding to the new Lost Impossimal collection which may be ready for October although this could change due to the complexity of the paintings and finally we are working on six new Impossimal sculptures and of course more work regarding the animation series, new website updates, two new Mission Impossimal magazines, over 250 new blog entries and thirty new Lost Impossimal stories.

Phew!

We would both just like to thank you for your support and the memories you have shared with us through the Impossimals this year, it really does mean everything to us. In 2015 the world of the Impossimals is about to inject more smiles into the world but one thing is for sure, we couldn't do it without you.

Have a great night and a fabulous 2015!

Peter & Jayne

Home Eating Magazine 2014

Sick and tired of all those leftovers? 

Full and bloated with festive food? 

Today we solve all your  problems with ideas to save you £££'s and help keep that waistline trim for 2015!

 Save money on expensive all in one 'ready meals' for children by making your own Willy Wonka inspired teatime treat. We call it the Cocktail Trifle, you can call it whatever you want because it relies on what you have left. Simply scrape up all the trifle bits and place them at the bottom of a fresh bowl, add in any assorted party snacks like cocktail sausages and chicken drumsticks until the trifle is peeking over the rim and the grease has congealed enough on top before adding squirty cream.

 Larger sausages and leftover pigs in blankets when inflated make ideal safety ski's combining the stability of a snowboard with meaty comfort footwear. NB sausages liable to 'pop' once inflated and may cover a large area in lips, eyes and arseholes.

Kids bored with their gifts already? Then fear not, teach them the ancient art of brussel marbles with your leftover sprouts. Full details of this unique game and more can be found at www.sproutygames.co.uk where you will also discover Sprout Throwing, Brussel Rolling and hundreds of other 'sprouty' games!

 Stale sausage rolls make ideal emergency car jacks, just avoid flaky pastry as these crumble on cars above a Ford Capri but there is an alternative if you have a handy foot pump...

 Keep a pump and several scotch eggs in your car and you can 'jack' up anything, anywhere! Simply pop the scotch egg under your vehicle, attach the nozzle and pump away, your vehicle will be ready and steady in no time at all! NB Do NOT over inflate, exploding scotch eggs have been known to cause serious injury and prevalent smells that will stick to your clothes.

 Feel like a real celeb and follow the trend setting Lady Gagamadonna who uses her left over Christmas pudding to great effect with this stylish bonnet! Or you could go one further and using several pipecleaners and leftover mince pies turn yourself into songbuster pianist Elton Scone

Wear your pies with pride and bellow out festive songs, you may even get stopped in the street and asked for an autograph!

We hope these ideas have been useful in clearing out those pesky leftovers, if you have an idea you would like to include simply write it down on a piece of bread and pop it in the toaster, it will get to us in no time at all!

Ivor Lotsagrub
Home Eating Magazine 2014

What A Waste Of Time

GOGGLEBLOG - E-Mails from our Readers

What a con these so called oven gloves are, I filled mine with cake mix and it didn't even cook it. Waste of money if you ask me.

P.Diddle, Halifax

Does anybody else go to the toilet at work? I do and find it so rewarding that I get paid to wee.

C.Drumstick, Dundee

Kids say the funniest things, only yesterday my son said 'I wonder if bananas can sing?' which was odd as he is a 42 years old bank manager.

Mildred Pilchard, Hull

I should think shoes should come with some kind of health warning, only yesterday I was wearing mine and walked into a lampost, surely it's only a matter of time before some shoe wearing individual comes a cropper!

R.Sole, Chappelhatpegs

I have dropped two bells and a cherry with three nudges left to win £2, can anybody recommend which reels to nudge?

B.Andit. Jackpot

Second reel twice, third once.

W.Inner, Pennyslot

I went downstairs over Christmas and met my 'family', they seem like nice people.

I.Pad, Appleton

This years sales are really disappointing, especially the one at Poundland, I for one will be shopping elsewhere in the future!

T.Hurrupenny, Bits

I went to Iceland this year for all my festive food as recommended on the television, imagine my surprise when all I found was several penguins and lots of snow and my bus trip cost me over £10,000. I for one will never shop there again, I'm sticking to the high street!

G.Raffe, Twycross

Is it just me or does this milk taste off today?

B.Itty, Twine

The best things in life are free so they say but I can't help feeling bitterly disappointed with my free air in my bag of crisps. Anybody else been disappointed by these 'free' gifts?

C.Rap, Monstermunch

I too have been disappointed by 'free' things, only yesterday I trod in some free 'dog eggs' and was not amused in the slightest, in fact I was so unamused I posted my soiled shoes through the nearest dog owners letterbox.

T.Urd, Wonkydonkey

Why has the blog been quiet over the last five days? I normally use it to cheer myself up after a night of heavy drinking.

T.Twizzler, Norfolk

Well, T.Twizzler have no fear, the blog is back from today with its usual waste of time and excessive drivel, enjoy!

Santa L Jackson

My name is Santa and I'm a lucky bugger. Who else gets 364 days a year holiday and is able to eat and drink copious amounts without looking like a house or spending months in rehab. Yes, I am the luckiest person in the world or am I?

...for a start what about all those bloody elves with their pointy hat and shoes talking in a ridiculously high pitched whine, it gets on my nerves pretty quickly I can tell you and I'm so close to taking their shiny little wooden hammers by January and shoving them so far up their **CENSORED** until they squeal.

Letters, I get absolutely tonnes of them all asking for something or other. Can I have this, can I have that, I've been good, rah, rah, rah. Once you have read one you have read them all so to make things interesting every year I always add something crap to their list just so I can see the disappointment on Christmas Day when amongst all the presents they open a pair of slippers or socks instead of that latest gadget. Little beggars.

Don't even get me started on the reindeers, bloody Rudolph acting like a diva just because he has a song written about him. Red nose my arse, it's all the booze he knocks away all year. On Christmas Eve it's hard enough to get him to stand never mind light the way. The other reindeers hate him, they still call him names but Rudolph just tells them to 'kiss my nose', only last year he was that smashed that he ploughed into several rooftops and chimney stacks, my sleigh insurance has gone through the roof!

Impersonators get on my tits too, dressing up in red with a crap beard pretending to be jolly in shopping centres. I have never been jolly in my whole life, what is there to be jolly about, nobody buys me presents every year. What about the mince pies and sherry I hear you say, well I'm bloody sick of them, anybody would be after eating your 25,256,267,384 one. Even the reindeers refuse to help after last year when we were all lavishly sick as we flew over Mansfield, luckily no one noticed.

Grottos. They are not magical, they suck. For a start they are draughty, bad places to fit furniture and too damn festive. Give me a bungalow anyday. If anyone as much as waves a candy cane infront of me after the 25th I swear I will beat them to death with the sticky end.

So this year I'm trying something different, instead of Jolly Fat Boy Santa this year you are getting Santa L Jackson.

Does he look like a bitch? Damn right I do you mother flickers and I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to mince pie and sherry my brothers. And you will know my name is the Santa when I lay my vengeance upon thee! Enough is enough! I’ve had it with these mother flicking reindeer pulling this mother flicking sleigh!

Pass me my sack, it's the one with mean mother flicker on it. You know me. It’s my duty to please that booty.

Santa L Jackson, you'll know I've visited because I'll leave you with a sack full of mother flickers and put the ho back in yo ho.

 

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Fawning Frumbler

If any of you are thinking of visiting The Mystical Bongo Bizarre market today in search for some last minute Christmas presents you are in for a treat, not only do the have the invisible hats back in stock but also we see a return of the wishing gum, chewing gum that grants you three wishes, how cool is that!

Here are some of the other amazing things on offer to fill your stocking this Christmas.

Get the latest in kitchen equipment with Finger Master (tm) the only finger grill in the world. Roasts chicken in seconds with a quick flick, snap your fingers to flambé, use two fingers to toast and a whole fist to barbecue, the choice is yours. One size fits all, optional flame guard and full fire proof suit available to avoid accidental infernos and troublesome flash fires. NB not for use indoors unless the room is decorated in fire retardant ceramic tiles and can withstand heat up to 1000 degrees. Stand well back when grilling, recommended distance is forty feet.

We now offer a rocket skate powered wheelbarrow delivery service on all our coal purchases. Why just put one piece of coal in a stocking when you can fill it to the brim? Imagine their little faces when they realise you have given them the gift of an open fire for Christmas the ungrateful little mares. When I was young I dreamed of owning a piece of coal, instead I got nuts, not this hokey rubbish like X-Bocks and Plystations. Give them a traditional Christmas, give em coal.

With the postal service being so expensive why not try our Festive Gift Cannon. For only £1 we will deliver any parcel of any size anywhere in the UK using our patented launch system. Impress friends when their festive parcel arrives speedily at 287mph through the lounge window and is safely caught in the remains of the Christmas tree that softened its landing. We have successfully launched everything from simple stuffed toys to goats filled with helium, although admittedly the goats are still in orbit most things arrive in one piece or pieces. One of our most popular services this time of year is to launch unwanted family members into the sea, along with inappropriate presents and gifts.

Meet Slapper(tm) our robotic marvel that is programmed to slap anyone with anything! It's a miracle of slapping technology and will happily slap away until his batteries discharge. Comes with mains adapter for twenty four hour slapathons. Special Slapper attachments include padles, bats, cushions and even a two foot rubber banana called the dominator. Treat someone to a slap this Christmas, you know you want to!

Be the proud owner of a real trouser snake with our Python Pants(tm) imagine the look on their faces when you reach down the front of your trousers and pull out a monster! Comes in a variety of sizes and colours, simply pick the one you like an choose your snake size. From Adders to Anacondas we have a snake to suit all with our guarantee that our Python Pants will keep you warm and others jealous with envy as you wriggle down the street.

Don't forget that today is the last day of the Bongo Bizarre and it will disappear in a poof of smoke sometime around 4:56pm. Have a great Christmas and don't forget today's magic words are 'Fawning Frumbler', use them twice in a conversation today for a special extra 10% off a Finger Master.

 

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

How Old Are You?

The new gameshow 'How Old Are You?' leaps from its prime slot on national television to become a feature on today's blog. For those of you that have never seen this incredibly popular and entertaining television show enjoyed by millions it aims to help contestants that have forgotten how old they are rediscover their age, accurate to within ten years, probably.

So without further ado, let me introduce your host for today Reg Todgers and his hilarious sidekick Busty Din fresh from his other hit show 3,2,1 I'm Going To Hurl.

'Hi, my name is Reg Todgers and what a show we have lined up for you folks so settle back in your high chair, arm chair or commode and get ready to play 'How Old Are You?

(Applause)

'As always we start with our catchphrase 'How Old Are YOU?'

Audience - 'NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS YOUNG MAN!'

(Applause and laughter)

'Here we go, remember your starting age is zero, each question you answer will add a number to your age, add them all together to get your real age. Question one'

'You are in the library and you see 'Fifty Shades Of Grey' filed under the romance section, do you...

A) Remove the filth and place it in the bin where it belongs
B) Pick it up and let it naturally flop open hoping to find the dirtiest page
C) Move it to the children's section
D) Snot

Add this to your age A)20 B)5 C)3 D)1

'Question two, visual question'

'Does this make you...'

A) Sob uncontrollably at the state of society and write an angry letter to your MP that wooden letters have been placed near crayons and transfers.
B) Laugh uncontrollably until you are sick and take a photo of it.
C) Post it on your blog as part of a desperate effort to entertain.
D) Fart.

Add this to your age A)20 B)5 C)3 D)1

'Question three, choose the correct words to fit both blanks...'

'I would like to _____ your _____ said Bert as he started stripping down to his thong and tightening his ball gag.'

A) fumble, frumpit
B) curdle, milk
C) wallpaper, wall
D) burp, name

Add this to your age A)5 B)4 C)20 D)1

'Question four, what is it?'

A) At my age I expect to be able to relieve my bladder every thirty minutes, this is most inconvenient and I will be reporting it to the manager.B) Captains log star date XXXLC) The work of a genius and the result of an awesome party.D) Poo

Add this to your age A)20 B)5 C)5 D)1 


'Final question folks, We have skilfully hidden a message in this picture, see how long it takes you to find it...'

A) Less than a second
B) Over thirty seconds but less than a minute although I did find STAR and BA
C) I'm absolutely disgusted with this, I will be writing a letter to my MP
D) Plop

Add this to your age A)5 B)10 C)50 D)1

'That's it folks, add up your scores and you should finally have your real age, write it down it may be useful later in job interviews or when trying to buy alcohol. How Old Are You?'

(Applause) 'NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS YOUNG MAN!'

Age Chart

You scored less than ten - Well done, you are a real toddler and the life and soul of any party providing it involves jelly and ice cream.

Between ten and forty - Well done, you are rapidly approaching the age where bits flop or drop off, get out the nasal trimmer and get ready, it's grim but you are the life and soul of those 'special' parties we know you go to.

Between forty and forty two - Enjoy your mid life crisis. Buy a fast car and pretend you are twenty, when you eventually come out the other end enjoy the downhill ride that's coming.

Forty three to seventy - Gradually start to moan about the good old days and how things were better in your day, write a blog if it helps to avoid you thinking about the bits that are stiff, don't work or are generally not as flexible as before. Start drinking heavily if it helps to block it all out and avoid using computers as you are not really very good at it because in your day you used pen and paper. Watch the news everyday to increase your depression and check the obituaries every week to see if any of your friends are in it.

Seventy to two hundred - It's all too late now to do anything about it so feel free to speak your mind anytime and be politically incorrect. It's also the time that you realise the best things in life aren't things at all so leave them with a cliff hanger and make your last words be 'Knock, knock' or 'Wow, so that's what it's all about'

If you are reading this on Facebook feel free to post your scores below :)