For Better Or For Worse

I recently replaced a bedside clock with the simplest radio controlled bedside clock after the old one inexplicably broke. The new one didn't work so that was returned and I was offered an upgrade to a better, more reliable one.

Oh my.

I don't remember asking for a chronological timepiece with temperature, moon phases, a mysterious button called wave and a side mounted laser display. Some bright spark decided that late at night when you wake up unexpectedly and look at the time you required a full exploding lightshow on your ceiling to inform you that it was indeed 2:59am making sure that you were indeed wide awake to take in the extra info that it's -2 outside and a full moon. I only wanted a clock but as with many things today everything comes along with so many extras that it makes you wonder if anybody has thought it through.

My digital recorder needed updating so after plenty of research I upgraded to what promised to be an all singing, dancing system that would cater for all my minimalist entertainment needs. It did but now the bloody thing keeps recommending things, automatically upgrading and telling me about new features I could not give a stuff about. With the latest automatic update its decided only to record with 2mins of everything or chop the last ten minutes off, additionally when it goes online to find the things it failed to record it plays them with oodles of adverts then errors telling you the content is not available. Checking the manufacturers website I am politely informed that yes, there is a problem and we are looking into it and will publish our results later next week. Well that's just dandy isn't it? In the meantime I will look after your useless piece of technology and plastic until it sees fit to let me use it as it was intended.

I have added it as number #25243 on my list of things that annoy me, it's just above #25242 Using no indicators and below #25244 Shrinking toilet rolls. It's a big list.

Last week the BBC news app was updated to an all singing, dancing version that now tells me about itself everyday.

I have pressed 'OK, got it' five times and it still keeps appearing, today it started again with this...

See how stupid it is, stop telling me! I switched my phone on this morning and over two hundred notifications and updates piled in and the vibrations shook it off the desk. I had this a few days ago when I was driving and the phone was in my trouser pocket, a sudden burst of notifications felt like I was getting a crotch electrocution. I couldn't decide if it was pain or pleasure so sent myself a few texts to find out.

My Sat-Nav.

It developed a lisp a month ago after an update and started to mispronounce 'R's, it's finally cleared up with a recent update but has now decided to stop SHOUTING and started w h i s p e r i n g like the directions are a secret. The funny thing is that the sound is on full and she starts nice and loud but by the top of the street she has a voice like a mouse fart until she will randomly announce at a roundabout 'take the THIRD exit and KEEP left' alternating between shouts and whispers.

This morning I popped on the PC to a cavalcade of updates including several for software I didn't even know was running, please stop!

Anyway just a quick update (see what I did there?) A few bits have been added and adjusted to our website, the World Of Impossimals facebook page has been updated too all in readiness for the five spanking new Impossimal releases this weekend. More details about these next week along with a first look at the internal freezer chamber I'm building for Knickerbockergloria in the studio.

Have a great weekend and we will see you all again here on the blog next Tuesday :)

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Fairly Tails

RAPUNZEL

'Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair to me!' shouted the valiant Kings son.

There was no answer, only a small grunt from the enormous tower.

'Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair to me!' shouted the valiant Kings son again.

'Jeez' shouted back Rapunzel, 'Can't I take a crap in peace!'

And with that the Kings son shook his head and rode away.


SNOW WHITE

Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
Who in this land is fairest of all?

To this the mirror answered:

'You, my queen, are fairest of all.'
Then she was satisfied, for she knew that the mirror spoke the truth. She also knew she was completely off her tits on Opium and immediately started a conversation with a four legged chair.

CINDERELLA

What they said was very true; for a few days later, the king's son had it proclaimed, by sound of trumpet, that he would marry her whose foot this slipper would just fit. They began to try it on the princesses, then the duchesses and all the court, but in vain; it was brought to the two sisters, who did all they possibly could to force their foot into the slipper, but they did not succeed.

Cinderella, who saw all this, and knew that it was her slipper, said to them, laughing, "Let me see if it will not fit me."

He had Cinderella sit down, and, putting the slipper to her foot, he found that it went on very easily, fitting her as if it had been made of wax.

'We have found the strumpet!' shouted the King, 'Wretched be the girl that left us with a ten tonne pumpkin in the driveway and a plague of white mice to clear up, take her away and beat her severely with her shoe!'

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

"Grandmother, what big arms you have!"

"All the better to hug you with, my dear."

"Grandmother, what big legs you have!"

"All the better to run with, my child."

"Grandmother, what big ears you have!"

"All the better to hear with, my child."

"Grandmother, what big eyes you have!"

"All the better to see with, my child."

"Grandmother, what big teeth you have got!"

"For god sake all you do is ask bloody questions? It's like a game show. Do you realise the trouble I have gone to with this disguise? This bonnet was a nightmare to fasten with these claws."

"Bugger me, a talking wolf!"

SLEEPING BEAUTY

At last he came to the chamber, and when the king beheld Sleeping Beauty, who seemed to be enchanted, he believed that she was asleep, and he called her, but she remained unconscious.

"Get up you lazy cow." he whispered but she stirred not. The alarm clock he had set rang and rang but still she did not stir. A bucket of the coldest water poured over her had no effect as neither did the gunpowder keg that exploded under the four poster catapulting her into the ceiling. In desperation the king did the only thing possible in the circumstances and reached into his deepest pockets.

Suddenly Sleeping Beauty sat bolt upright as the king pulled out his credit card. 'Here, buy what you want' said the king  through gritted teeth and with that she snatched the Black American Express and ran out of the door to buy some shoes.

DICK WHITTINGTON

So one day when a great wagon with eight horses stopped on its way through the village, Dick made friends with the wagoner and begged to be taken with him to London. The man felt sorry for poor little Dick when he heard that he had no father or mother to take care of him, and saw how ragged and how badly in need of help he was. So he agreed to take him, and off they set.

'So are you Big Dick or Little Dick?' asked the wagoner.

'Neither' said Dick, 'I'm Limp Dick'

'Limp Dick Eh?, do you know Thick Dick or Bent Dick?'

'I do not sir but I come from a long line of Dicks, Dick by name Dick by nature.'

'Bet the time just flies by in your household doesn't it.'

Classifieds

FOR SALE

Twin seater settee, petrol, only 27,000 miles. Covered in a pink floral fabric this nice little runner has only had one lady owner. Passenger seat springs may need replacing after seeing much action. Good brakes and four good feet, manages sixty at top speed. £2999 o.n.o

Second hand tissue, slightly used, not man sized. Only £2 collection only due to fragile nature.

Painting by Picasso, woman on chair with crossed eyes. Genuine article, signed in biro. £26 million o.n.o

Ageing artist, slightly floppy around the edges with a few wrinkles. Will paint if watched otherwise is lazy. Has delusions of strange animals and stripes. Unwanted gift. 99p or will exchange for a well known celebrity.

Trumpbone, it's like a trombone but you play it with your bottom. Excellent sliding action, change pitch by squeezing cheeks. Sounds dreamy. £45 Slight burnish on mouthpiece, don't play after curry night.

FOUND

Des'O'Connor, behind wheelie bin in Hull city centre. Slightly bent and out of tune, email for details. Quickly please.

Leathery object found at antiques fair, may be David Dickenson. Makes annoying sounds, comes with free set of unfashionable glasses. Will give away if not claimed.

£10 Million. My name is Into Bentito Official of Nijanji and I believe it's your money. Send name, address, phone, DOB and passport now to claim. Box 37

Disgarded cigarette butt, a few puffs left, shame to let it go. Box 928

WANTED

Celebrities for household, must be willing to stay for a couple of months and filmed everyday. Not a celebrity? no problem, we now accept any tenuous celebrity link as validation. Contact BB channel 5.

Personality, wit and charm. Willing to trade for elitism and ignorance of the North. D.Cameron, No.10

Magic flute or magic carpet. Good prices paid for working models. No magic lamps or wardrobes to Narnia please.

JOBS

Uniformed arms specialist willing to work in secret base located in volcano. Good salary and uniform provided. Dr No, Crab Key.

Become a weather person! No experience necessary, simply step outside and state the obvious. Must be willing to lie convincingly and be excited when delivering devastating weather news. Put the wind up them, become a weather person today! BBC

Programmer required to run Power Station, must be able to use Sinclair basic and used to power station to ZX Spectrum interfaces. Joystick operated fuel rod removal, it's just like a teddy grabber, come along and join in the fun as we get as close to a meltdown as we dare! #ohmygoditnearlyblewup

PERSONAL

Sexy foxy seeks foxy sexy for sexy foxy fun. No stoats or badgers please. #foXXXy

Mr Grey seeks well written book. #erotictat

Single male looking for fun, frolickation and tractors. Muck spreader attachment ideal but not necessary. Come and play in my purpose built pig sty. All the hay you can eat and fantastic teats. #mrmcdonald

Fun active guy 100 stone but looks thin seeks 100 stone lady to share a future. Hope to have the first 200 stone child. Have own freezer and deep fat fryer but willing to share.

Blog writer looking for funny material to include, must be absolute drivel to be in with a chance. Contact @Impossimal today.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

7 Things

I have been nominated by HRH Prince Charles on Facebook so here are seven facts about me!

1) I once was in a fight with Shane Ritchie on the set of Eastenders over who would take the over large poodle Rolly for a walk whilst Dirty Den opened the Vic. It had to be broken up by Ricky and Dot Cotton.

2) In 1985 I travelled the Sahara and won best dressed goat at the Sahara Butlins Complex, I came second in the three legged Bedouin and last in the knobbly knee contest. My chalet was a Yurt and I owned two Yaks called Geoffery and Cuthbert, Geoffery wore glasses whilst Cuthbery made do with a hat.

3) In a cubicle in South Wales I once broke wind so loudly that they opened the gates on Tower Bridge, London to let what they thought was a ocean liner through.

4) I'm a fully trained Chimp scissor stylist and can coiffer a gibbons hair into several styles using only an Afro comb.

5) my favourite pastime is pretending to be an artist.

6) I was once a seven year old and like most people my age I'm 47.

7) I was excellent at maths at school and learnt to count at an early age.

10) I'm so thrifty that instead of buying an expensive private number plate I changed my name to YS12 ZTG.

13) I once attended the Oscars and sat next to Brad Pitt. I say attended, I sat close to the television when it was on and turned up the sound. I also touched the screen at intervals. I'm not weird.

20) I can say the alphabet backwards. Tebahpla.

21) If you turn your belly button anticlockwise your bottom falls off.

22) I once saw Keith Chegwin naked, he was so surprised that I knew where he lived and that I wore no clothes.

I nominate Orville The Duck and Keith Harris and the letter Z, take it away Orville!

 

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Feeling Woolly?

Maudlin Maude here dear, I love to knit and hum at the same time and I'm sure there are others like me that love real music so let's see, now you can take my Des'O'Bygraves Are You Woolly Enough? questionnaire to discover if you are one of us 'easy listeners' and if not why not?

Question One

Do you own a woolly jumper? If so, how many?

A) 1-2 

B) 3-10 

C) 10+ I wear nothing else but woolly jumpers. 

D) zero and if anybody dares buy me one I'm going to roll it up and stuff it where the sun doesn't shine.

Question Two

Is Stairway to Devon a real song?

A) Yes, it was on the album Bridlington or Bust by Max Doonican

B) Maybe, I remember it could be from the compilation album, Colostomy - It's Not My Bag.

C) No, the real track is called One Night In Devon by the Wurzels.

Question Three

Which would you choose?

A) A voucher for Celtic Sheepskin.

B) A pair of matching rocking chairs and an open fire.

C) A long arm pickup stick to avoid bending over to change your old 78's

D) Listen to Radio Norfolk whilst knitting jumpers for dogs.

Question Four

Where is the best venue to listen to 'real' music?

A) Urmston Pigeon Club on a Friday night.

B) Weston Super Mare Pier

C) Wells Library in Norfolk

Question Five

Fill in the missing letters

D_s'o'Connor, Max Bygrav_s, Val Doonican.

ANSWERS

Q1 A=1 B=25 C=100 D=1000 (Correct answer is D, you watch people in woolly jumpers entertain you not the other way around, trick question see!)

Q2 A=1000 B=25 C=2000 (Correct answer is C as you are in denial)

Q3 A=1000 B=1000 C=1000 D=1000 (All are worthy pursuits so this was a trick question and you may have found it difficult to answer any particular one as they are all attractive to you)

Q4 A=30 B=500 C=1000 (Correct answer is of course C with its stadium seating arrangement that seats fifty on a good day)

Q5 Answer is 'e', bit difficult I know but give yourself 10,000 points if you solved it.

Des'O'Bygraves Are You Woolly Enough How Did You Do?

Less than 100 Sorry, but you are just starting out on discovering this wonderful world of music, try watching the experts if you can find any VHS tapes of them and sit in a rocking chair occasionally, it will help.

101-1000 You know your stuff but your just a bit short of the woolly mark, I recommend buying the treasured Take It Easy box set containing 287 tracks on twenty cassettes, over twenty four hours of non stop music to make you horizontal. Featuring hits like Down With The Crumpits and It's a Long Way To Nasal Hairy you will be slow hand clapping like a motherflipper in seconds.

>1001 Wow, you are so woolly you shrink in the wash, or is that your age? Did you know you lose an inch every two years after forty five? Of course you did, anyway, you know that easy listening reigns supreme and that all the music of today sounds the same and the last decent song you hear was the Birdy Song, you even know all the moves and can show the kids of today how to strutt your boogie stuff or something like that, I forget so many things nowadays. Trams, they used to run every thirty seconds at the bottom of our street until Doris took a fancy to a young clipper and they found her upside down on the top floor covered in rose water. Punched her ticket he did, they never did run right after that, come to think of it she didn't walk right after that either.

I'm off to do my knitting wearing my bobble hat, I must get this tea cosy completed, I'm off to a concert tonight, it's a new band that a nice young gentleman said I should see, apparently they play all the classics with tunes you can hum to. Funny name though, don't know what they were thinking coming up with Cradle of Filth.

OMG! I just got back, it was so fast that I clapped until my nose bled, Harold my chaperone was carried off with heart palpitations after being hit by a bottle of urine. When Harold returned they played From Cradle To Enslaved and the resulting power chords shorted out his hearing aid with a whistle so loud it lifted his toupee, again he was carried off whilst I tripped which was mistaken for wanting to crowd surf and I was handled in places I hadn't been touched since the war. It was shocking, although I did get tickets for tomorrow night and I learnt a new word, Bitchin'

Three New 2015 Appearances

Knickerbockergloria part way through her transformation

We have such a lot lined up this year and it's only just over a week before five new Impossimal limited editions are released so we thought we had better update you with three new appearances we have managed to shoehorn in, they are...

Castle Galleries, York, Saturday 7 March between 1-4pm

Castle Galleries, Bristol, Saturday 28 March between 2-5pm

Castle Galleries, Leeds, Saturday 25 April between 1-4pm

As usual we will both be in attendance showcasing all the latest Impossimal work and several of Jaynes fabulous wildlife artwork originals so pop along if your passing and say hello at these popular Impossimal galleries.

Don't forget we are also taking part in GoGoDragons and our dragon Knickerbockergloria will be gracing the streets of Norwich in the Summer, full details will be on our website shortly along with further details of our ticketed Lost Impossimals night in May at the Michelin starred Pipe & Glass with top chef James Mackenzie's unique accompanying menu. And if all that isn't enough we have another spectacular event pencilled in for the end of 2015 that will really make the year end with the unexpected.

Knickerbockergloria our GoGoDragon bought to you by Bluebird Care,Norwich raising funds for break-charity.org can be found on Twitter at @Sapphire1Dragon alternatively the hashtag #GGD15 will get you there too.

A bit of an update, the normally silliness returns tomorrow just in time for the weekend.

 

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Best Sex EVER!

Sorry about that, it should have read Best Six EVER!, stupid spellcheck.

The Best Six Facts About Snow EVER!

1. Snow is actually dandruff from the the planet Headnshoulders that floats around in the atmosphere for centuries until it gently drifts down every year in places due to the Gulf Stream. Scientists actually call snow drifts, druff drifts and recommend a large Afro comb rather than a paltry snow shovel to clear it efficiently. It also recommends pouring shampoo on problem areas rather than salt to avoid icy patches.

2. The biggest snowball weighed a whopping 2 tonnes and was thrown at an unknown passerby in Nantwich sometime in the late 70's. It hit so hard that only a pair of size nine shoes were left, these can be found preserved in the local museum along with the offending snowball that is still melting to this day and now weighs only 12lbs in old money.

3. If you took all the facebook status that mentioned snow when it snowed you would have a list as long as your arm of obvious quotes to say when it snows. Facebook has recorded 253,263,263 ways to say it's snowing, typical quotes include 'it's snowing' and 'it's snowing!', some of the oddest quotes recorded include 'OMG it's snowing!' and the inexplicable 'Just looked and it's snowing!'

4. Weather forecasters often warn us of snow using a traffic light system. Green means there is absolutely no chance of snow, which actually means there's six foot on the way but we don't know where it will land but the majority of people will think we have got it right. Amber is be prepared for snow which means be prepared but we are not quite sure what will happen but we like the pretty colour because it's better than green. Red means Snow! or translated yes, we have just looked out of the window and it's snowing, better update to that red status so it looks like we got it right to all those checking right now.

5. The Snowman is a cherished cartoon where a snowman comes alive to wreak havoc on one boys household even disgustingly trying used false teeth to gain the confidence of the pyjama dressed innocent who is then abducted. The whole sorry tale ends in the slaying of the Snowman. A more harrowing version has been made about dead dogs.

6. Sledges are great for riding through the snow. Don't confuse them with a sledgehammer as Simon Noballs did in 1996 when after a particularly speedy run riding his sledgehammer down Windybottom Hill he lost control and demolished an entire hospital loosing his precious baubles in the process as he crashed through the walls, earning his unique surname to remind him of untrained sledgehammer sledging.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Soz About Derek

Drunk Derek, he's a bit stuck in his ways...

I tell you what's wrong with this country, it's those bloody loom bands. In my day there were called rubber bands and came in more man sizes than the fluorescent rubbish you get today. Can you imagine using one of those loom bands to secure the thumble grip on the carburettor pipe of your Austin Allegro, no, I didn't think so, you know as well as I do you needed a quarter inch thick, brown parcel band, the type that would take yer thumb off if you stretched it wrong. Bring em back I say!

And while yer at it what's this bloody interweb I keep hearin 'bout? It's all smoke and mirrors if you ask me and just one big con, in my day if you wanted to tell somebody something you went out there and bloody told them. I remember it took me nearly three hours to walk around banging on fifty friends doors to show em a picture of what I had just eaten and I got no likes. Not like today, it's like this and like that, oh, look at what I'm doing. Bloody show offs if you ask me, if anybody did that in my pub they would get a good clip around the ear, how would they LIKE that eh?

What happened to the phone? You knew where you were with a dial but today we have these touchy screen things and small buttons and you know why that is don't you? It's lack of excercise I tell you! I cannot tell you the amount of excercise I used to get using a dial phone, just dialling one phone number used to take five minutes and that five minutes of burning calories, there was none of this fast food around when I was young, no, we had to make do with fish, chips, sausage, mushy peas, steak pie and gravy covered in batter bits from the fish and chip shop, none of the fattening stuff they eat today. And we ate lard.

News used to be on the television at six'o'clock precisely, you knew where you were with that. Now news can occur anytime and it's just not on. Everything should happen at six just like the old days, so you knew if you were at home watching it at six you were safe from the news as it was happening as you watched. We had strict timetables for everything in those days and buses ran on time and bus stops were more than ten paces away from each other, doctors looked old and policemen thought nothing of clocking you one with their truncheon if you asked them the time.

Everybody smoked, even dogs smoked whilst cats chose pipes and we grew up ok. Squirrels however prefered cigars and that's why there was so many fires, you see they discarded their matches carelessly that's why they bury their nuts, it's a habit they should employ with their spent matches. Ban squirrels from cigar shops before it's too late.

I'm off to the bog, don't touch me pint or i'll av ya!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Roll With It

Look! My loo roll has shrunk!

It's that silly season again, the season of the shrinking toilet rolls. I noticed with dismay that our local supermarket had stopped stocking our 24 pack of favourite brand of loo roll and that always spells problems. You see first they increase the price of the 24 pack by a few pounds then they remove it all together and offer 16 rolls at what seems a competitive price when in reality they have actually increased the price per roll. I read a report compiled over the course of eight years that charted a toilet roll, I know, the things I do for you, and basically it gave the weight, size and amount of sheets for each year. The end result was the toilet roll had lost an inch in size and over 100 sheets whilst rising in price but the best bit is this, you could still buy the same sized toilet roll eight years later at the original start of the survey size it was just now rebranded as a double roll and cost even more.

Profit shifting is one of the biggest pains in the arse so today I have been testing thrifty alternatives to the humble loo roll in a bid to save you pounds. Here are my results.

Tissue Paper

Whilst light and versatile tissue paper is notoriously unstable and prone to puncturing. I tried several types and whilst the white florist tissue paper wasn't too bad it still needed several fistfuls to work correctly. Coloured tissue paper however was prone to colour leakage, it took several days for the green tinge to disappear from my bottom.

4/10

Sandpaper

It may be fine for canaries but boy does it chafe! I started with a rough grain for grip but this soon proved too painful, a medium grain was a little better but still had a tendancy to remove skin. Fine grain whilst smoother tended to fold easily making the equivalent of a small sandpaper saw blade ripping me to shreds although it did give me a smooth finish that required little polishing to make it shine.

5/10 Start with the mix pack from the local DIY store and work up to emery paper.

Carpet

After buying a Axminster shag pile offcut I simply cut into strips and rolled around an old cardboard tube. Although giving superior luxury I found that I needed a Stanley knife to remove each sheet, most inconvenient slashing away whilst sat down. Once a sheet has been removed make sure you use the soft side and not the hard underlay which feels like you are rubbing a Jacobs cream cracker down there. Experiment with nylon and cotton mixes according to personal preference but avoid laminate and Lino. Carpet tiles may eliminate the need for cutting and can be left in their handy pack next to the loo.

7/10 if you precut the sheets, washable too!

Socks

Now you are talking, soft, durable, washable and fits like a glove. Add paper eyes for a toilet companion that will keep you amused until you have finished. Also you will never run out as you will always carry your own supply...on your feet!

9/10 it's a friend for your fingers.

Bed Sheets

It's a long and strong alternative but users may have difficulty flushing away double and king sizes. Extra comfort can be found using quilts and duvets whilst electric blankets may be warmed before use, just remember to unplug before flushing. May require several flushes and a good press with the toilet brush to help it on its way.

10/10 I'd use nothing else.

I hope these tips have been useful in combatting the large profiteering companies that plague our lives. Tomorrow we find out how to recreate any flavour of expensive Pot Noodles using old string, wood shavings and a yoghurt pot whilst learning all about home dentistry with kitchen implements.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Unforgettable

At the bottom of one of my drawers in the studio I unearthed an American superhero comic from the late 70's, I was never into superheroes much but the comics at that time were not that well established in the UK and more often than not tended to be the real imported American versions as opposed to the UK versions. They always intrigued me, not because of the story lines or artwork but because of their strange adverts for items I never knew existed.

Yes we had a joke shop nearby in Mansfield that sold plastic turds and such but these adverts were a completely different league from the childish things I could lay my hands on. Take a look at the photo above, who wouldn't want a Hercules Wrist Band or 8ft high balloons? Or maybe a giant slimy snake or bleeding skull candle was more your thing? It gave a sense of mystery about it that proved irresistible to me and I always longed to send off for some of the more quirky items. Alas it never happened, pocket money never stretched far enough to warrant a transatlantic order for an inflatable gorilla or a plastic sausage so instead I put up with an incredibly realistic looking polystyrene building brick, a prized joke shop find and contented myself with pouring boiling water on my plastic turd so it steamed and looked fresh. Urgh!

It all turned out well in the end when I came across this little book, apparently it wasn't just me that craved all these fantastical things.

A book about a guy with the same dreams only this time he tracked down all the items and displayed them in all their glory, boy did I save myself some disappointment!

There was one that I did fall for though, X-Ray vision, after all who didn't want to see through walls, clothes etc it was like being superman and I hastily released them from their plastic packet after handing over my hard earned 25p.

Why yes, I can see the bones in my hand! But why can't I see through clothes? Are they faulty?

No, they were not faulty, I found out when I took them apart. Between the thin cardboard lenses I found a birds feather. Seriously, they were stuffed with feathers. The X-Ray vision was just an optical illusion, I was gutted, I paid good money for a feather.

So if you have a passing interest in this type of stuff try hunting this book down, it's a great insight to the power of marketing, the deviousness of business and the general quirkiness of something of the like we will never see again. Now where did I put that foaming lighter and instructions to build a working laser pistol from an ordinary torch?

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Here We Go Again!

After being invited by Don Gregor on behalf of Bluebird Care, a national provider of care at home to participate in GoGoDragons 2015 an interactive arts sculpture trail bringing around 80 large painted sculptures and up to 100 mini school dragons to the streets of Norwich our dragon arrived safely yesterday at Impossimal HQ to undergo its transformation.

Each of the Dragons have been sponsored by a local business, group or trust and the sculptures after being displayed on the streets of Norwich for the summer will be sold off at an auction on 1st October 2015. The proceeds of this project will fund the valuable work of Norfolk charity Break who support vulnerable children, young people and families across East Anglia.

It's not the first time we have been involved with such a project, in 2010 we took part in the Elephant Parade, London and created the Impossiphant complete with spots, hearts and Impossimals which eventually went on to raise over £30,000 for the charity through its auction, subsequent limited edition miniatures and assorted memorabilia. We hope the dragon will help in some way to raise funds in a similar manner.

This weekend we start; measurements have been taken and rough ideas sketched out, we will be trailing the designs by sketching onto the dragon to see how they fit before approximately three weeks of painting starts to complete it. It's looking like we will use extra materials to add to the structure in some way to make it a tactile creation and it will include NFC technology to make it a truly interactive sculpture, possibly with its own website and story that can be accessed in various ways through smart technology.

 

So here we go again, all this will be attempted whilst I carry on with the Lost Alice piece now in its fifth painting week and create the special Lost Impossimal for the Michelin starred night at the Pipe & Glass in May.

 

Phew!

 

You can follow our dragon on Twitter at @sapphire1dragon or at @impossimal, all the dragons can be found tweeting away at hashtag #ggd15 and #gogodragons2015.

 

GoGoDragons can also be found on Facebook, Instagram and many other social media sites, simply visit www.gogodragons.co.uk for details of these and information about the charity the dragons are supporting.

 

Our fabulous dragon sponsor can be found at www.bluebirdcare.co.uk

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

ZX-2015

I recently read with some amusement the complaints regarding bugs and assorted glitches in one of the latest Assasins Creed games. Apparently players had to cope with distorted graphics, poor physics and other assorted inconveniences which obviously detracted from their total immersion in the world of murder and mayhem. The sense of disappointment and outrage from many teens and early twenties was tremendous even though as you can see above they were playing a product that took over thirty years to develop to this stage, when I was that age I didn't have the luxury of full 1080HD and 64bit, instead I swooned over this.

Boot Hill, a one or two player arcade game using state of the art graphics in 1977, did I complain about the poor animation, lack of colour and one channel sound? No, and you know the reason why? Because everything computer was crap.

Let me explain.

Growing up in the late seventies and early eighties exposed you to the first home computers and electronic games, as is the fashion for new trends the adverts and claims for the new technology was overstated to say the least. They tended to build up expectations to mammoth proportions only to leave you crying over wasted pocket money as the product failed to live up to the blurb.

I once saw this advert in a popular magazine and saved for weeks until I could afford to buy a copy. After all it promised a FULL COLOUR KONG jumping across the screen in this UNBELIEVABLE VIDEO GAME. This coupled with the advert almost promised an exact copy of the arcade game Donkey Kong, I couldn't believe it, only £5 for the home version of this!

I was so excited when it arrived that I rushed upstairs ripping off the packaging and loaded it into my trusty ZX-Spectrum.

Ah, so by full colour Kong you actually meant black with white nipples and Lego man grip hands. I particularly like the way no attempt has been made to impress, the barrels to jump are diamonds, the ladders to climb barely exist and the yellow background makes me want to throw up. The jumping was more shuffling and your 'man' looked like a figure denoting 'MENS' on a toilet door making the only thing UNBELIEVEABLE about it was how long they got away with selling it. The whole thing was totally unplayable and was classed as one of the worst ever computer games created by some websites, a sentiment I wholeheartedly agree with.

Things wasn't much better before this, Kong on the trusty ZX-81 (Black and white, no sound and no hires graphics) looked like this.

What is it with this game that all they concentrate on getting right is the nipples? Basically you are the 'A' and you had to climb the 'H's whilst avoiding the '*' to rescue 'J'. Yes, you had to have an awful lot of imagination to enjoy it.

Here's another, pilot a plane and bomb things in full colour!

Maybe not. For a start thats a biplane and not a B52 Bomber and secondly if I was running out of fuel I think I would have found somewhere flat to land rather than perform twenty bombing runs on a city to flatten all the skyscrapers so I could land.

Even Hollywood didn't help, how on earth could you mess up Bond?

Like this. Bond looks a little ill, still once the game got going it improved...

Sorry I lied, here Bond in his blue romper suit decided to create a pavement pizza after consuming too many Martinis.

So the next time something on the computer or tablet fails to live up to expectation just remember this; I had to endure Bad Cat.

Yes, this was really made and they charged good money for it.

Still, I'm not complaining, we did have access to explicit PORN...

That's when you REALLY had to use your imagination.

 

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Cadburys Creme Egg MUST READ!

Cadburys Creme Eggs have a remarkable history since their creation in 1476 which is why news of the apparent ingredient change has caused such uproar here in the UK. But did you know it's not the first time such a move has caused concern?

In 1598 Sir Reginald Quimby fought a vicious duel using pointy sticks after Sir Walter Wringwater accused Sir Reginald of being a 'bit of a fop' for using his tongue to enjoy his Creme Egg. Sir Walter prefered the direct chomp and after a two hour wrestle and fumble Sir Walter had to eat his words as Sir Reginald 'licked' him into submission. The dramatic scene was capture and is pictured above.

By 1845 the manufacturing of the Creme Egg was taken so seriously that wars were fought between competing nations for the prestige of producing the delicious delicacy. Above is the aftermath of the 'Eggy Wars' a battle between nations leading to great loss of life after the manufacturing country decided to change the wrapper from its original brown paper to foil, a move seen as overtly extravagant. Britain sent over 200,000 troops to defend the change and on the battlefield they flew a foil Union Jack which incidentally uses all the colours from the wrapper we see today.

Order was only restored in 1899 when pipe smoking Sir Dogsbody Whimsy signed the treaty of 'Stable creamery and chocolaty coating' cementing the formula and look of the Creme Egg we see today.

To protect the agreement a special squad called the 'Yokemen Of The Guard' was created. Wearing the tradional hollowed out chocolate hat is Jimbo Johnson (1900-1945) hidden under the hat is the original Creme Egg recipe. They vowed to uphold the secret and constancy of the Creme Egg until the day they died. Unfortunately they were disbanded in the late 80's and the secret recipe was accidentally leaked online in the 90's allowing anybody to recreate the chocolate and fondant filling. Needless to say the market was flooded with inferior eggs. Special egg smashing squads replaced the disbanded Yokemen who had special powers to enter any individuals kitchen suspected of Egg counterfeiting and smash any Creme Egg creation equipment they found.

At its most popular in 1935 a special commemorative Creme Egg was created by the Johnson Foundry in Sheffield. It took over two tons of fondant and was coated in a chocolate shell that was ten inches thick! Unfortunately when it eventually went on display the cabinet specially made by Mr Chippendale was not stress tested and the three ton Creme Egg caused the drawers to collapse sending the egg rolling down the hill into the gathered crowds scattering people like ten pins as it rolled on. Eventually it came to rest twenty six miles away in Hull where it crashed through the wall of a local school. Pupils had to be rescued from a river of fondant some with chocolate shards embedded in their clothes. Creating such a large Creme Egg was never attempted again.

Creme Eggs have a lighter side though, in 1941 Arthur 'Loopy' Screwfix after six years managed to piece together half of the remains of the 1935 commemorative egg to make himself a sea going vessel. It was stuck together using toffee to give a hardened finish and coated in treacle to stop water damage. Arthur eventually crossed the channel in his eggy boat to a rapturous reception. Unfortunately a few years later Arthur tried to find the source of the Amazon and fell fowl to the Honeycomber Tribe who took exception to Arthur's confectionary transport and sacrificed him to their God Crunchiemunchie. His boat was melted down to make a shrine for Crunchiemunchie and offers of the sacred honeycomb, an aeriated toffee substance was placed inside. Incidentally when this shrine was discovered many years later with its honeycomb centre and chocolate coating a well known confectionary chocolate bar was born. The Twix was created to celebrate Arthur's last gesture of two fingers before they beat him to death with his shoe.

Official guides were issued in 1924 to help combat 'Megging' or mugging for Creme eggs which had reached such epidemic proportions when the price of Creme Eggs sky rocketed due to the Government insisting that half a dozen Creme Eggs was actually five and not six. Show above is the 'Yolk Hold' or how to mame a potential Megger with several swift moves to the under meat area.

Warning should be taken from history, in 1965 the Creme Egg recipe was changed without the publics knowledge. An inferior chocolate was used for its outer casing and the resulting riots saw over a thousand corner shops raised to the ground by pitchfork and torch bearing crowds before the manufacturing company saw sense and returned back to the old recipe. Above is the scene of one of the worst when A.Tatlocks of Rum Street was ransacked after the discovery that the new type of Creme eggs had been sneaked into his Easter display hoping to avoid discovery. All that was left was Mr Tatlocks piano, he was never seen again.

Finally I'll leave you with a prediction from Nostaradamus who foretold of events for 2015 that seem eerily apt at the moment...

'Be eth thy egg, for 'twas thy change that wouldst cause great strife and calamity for forty days and nights until it restoreth as a righteous treat in thy eyes. Disaster be thy five egg dozen betwix thy inferior charlatan coating, tis the work of Belzebul himself, consider thy future carefully.'

Nostradamus 1627

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals