Cobblerchat

I am Rajah The Great, the only soothsaying tiger on Blackpool sea front. What may I predict for you today?

Well, sometimes I think I'm a lion. I don't know if it's my hair or that I occasionally like to hunt gazelles in Tesco's. Anyway, I would like to know If I should approach my new neighbour. You see they are very gazelle like and I'm not sure if I could trust myself not to take a leg off in conversation.

I heard that! It's bad enough you're my neighbour with all your roaring at two in the morning and the party the other night when you were chasing zebras around your lawn was disgusting. I'm still picking up bits of mane, what on earth did you get up to?

Ahh yes, sorry 'bout that. I got carried away when our 'snacks' escaped and we had to round them up. It won't happen again, I have hired a professional chef for the next one, you may know him, it's foul mouthed Gordon Whimsy.

What the f@&! Do you f@!?£&/ mean? Are you f@&?!?! stupid? Who writes this thing?

Unfortunately dear blog readers we have had to sack today guest writer Peter Panda because quite frankly it is so random that I'm awfully confused and I can't even guess how confused you are on a Monday morning. Instead here's a few new words to be used at work today.

Mumblewhiff

You think you have heard somebody whisper but it's only when you turn around and open your mouth to ask that you inhale a rumblytumbly let loose by a colleague who then grins at you. 'You Mumblewhiff one more time and I'll shove a cork in it!'

Cobblerchat

Someone who talks endlessly about nothing in particular who you would quite happily silence with a chair leg.

Business Meating

Flaccid ham sandwiches at any work function.

Loocation

Time spent avoiding work whilst sat in a toilet cubicle reading the paper.

Asshat

Not only do they talk out of it but they have their head so far up it fits perfectly.

Normal'ish service will return tomorrow with a buffers guide on how to win an Oscar and trampolining for cats Pt VII - The triple backflip.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Dragons & Flagons

Wondering why there is not many posts from our GoGoDragon Knickerbockergloria? Well Knickerbockergloria is having a fine time with many new adornments being added during this secretive stage. We want the reveal to be just that, a reveal so you will have to wait a little longer before you see her in her full glory.

Our inspiration comes from a place close to Knickerbockergloria's heart, Norfolk...

"The first time we visited Norfolk we made the discovery of a quaint old fashioned ice cream parlour in Blakeney that sold what seemed like the best ice cream in the world.

But what if the ice cream parlour deliciousness had a secret; why was it situated next to Blakeney's mysterious Mariners Hill and just what were those deep rumbling sounds heard by the locals?

Could it be the home of Knickerbockergloria the fabled guardian of the ice cream caverns?

Only Knickerbockergloria knows, see if you can unravel her delightful tale when you meet her on the streets of Norwich later this year.'

#GoGoDragons2015 #GGD15 @Sapphire1dragon

Don't forget you can join Knickerbockergloria and the rest of the Impossimals by visiting our website.

Sharing the studio day with our dragon is the special Lost Impossimal project in conjunction with Artmarket Gallery and the Michelin starred chef James MacKenzie. We now have more details about this great Impossimal event taking place in May that YOU can attend exclusively from Artmarket Gallery. Not only will there be new Impossimals but also a chance to get pieces dedicated by Peter, Jayne and top Michelin Star chef James Mackenzie!

"Attention all Peter & Jayne Smith fans! We have another amazing event happening this May at The Pipe and Glass Inn!

‘Artmarket’s Impossimal Evening At The Pipe And Glass’ will be on Thursday 21st May 2015.
For the past few weeks Peter Smith has been working on a piece of art this will be exclusive to the Artmarket Gallery. The piece will have two brand new Impossimals that are based on the owners of the Michelin-starred pub, The Pipe And Glass Inn, James and Kate Mackenzie. We have seen the maquette and preparatory sketches, and it looks amazing already!

This stunning piece will be unveiled on the night along with stories about the piece, in Peters unique story telling way! We will be doing a small boutique edition of limited edition prints from the original that will be on sale. These pieces will be highly collectable as they will not be available to buy from any other gallery, they will be signed (and dedicated if you wish) by both Peter Smith and James Mackenzie.

The evening will begin with a private view of Peter's work with drinks and canapés, and a chance to mingle with Peter and Jayne, and lots of like minded Peter Smith fans!

Michelin starred head chef and owner, James Mackenzie will then invite us to take our seats for the four course meal designed exclusively for the evening, with each course named after the titles of Peter’s paintings! Throughout the night there will be talks from Peter and James, a chance to chat with them both, a live sketch, charity auction and a few surprises along the way.

This is a going to be a super night with a difference! Throw in 5 star food and superb wine makes for a jolly good evening! This is set to be a fabulous night, we are all very excited! We have already has an overwhelming response to this event, so tickets are EXTREMELY limited, please do not delay if you would like tickets.
Tickets at £65 per person for the evening. We are putting on transport to and from our Cottingham gallery to South Dalton. There is also accommodation available from those coming from far and wide!

It would be fantastic to have you there! Any questions, or further information, please call Charlotte on 01482 876 003 or email Charlotte@artmarket.co.uk."

Two great Impossimal events to look forward to and we hope that you can join us in this special ten year celebration throughout the year. Don't forget that we are also making an appearance at York, Castle Galleries between 1-4pm on the 7th March so come along to get those special dedications or just to say hello, we would love to meet you!

Have a great weekend :)

How It Twerks

Brains. We all have them, they are pink and grey and look like bubble gum probably which is why zombies like them, but what do we really know about our brains. Luckily I have condensed all the details into one handy blog entry, 'Brains, do we really need them?'

The brain is an organ, not to be confused with a Hammond Organ although a brain allows you to play a Hammond Organ it's not an organ as in musical. It does like a bit of music too as long as its not a Hammond organ. With me so far? Good, we use our brain to control how you think, remember, feel and to make sure you keep everything in the toilet bowl using the 'aim' mechanism.

Section 'A' shown above controls the thought process when you want a cup of tea, the three layered tissue, called meninges, decides if you should have a biscuit with the tea or if you take sugar. People with blue eyes tend to have sugar whilst green eyed individuals prefer a biscuit. Biscuit preferring people are known in medical terms as Biscuitbrains whilst sugar people are called Sweetbrains, which one are you I wonder? Check your eyes in the mirror to find out. Brown eyed people prefer coffee, any other coloured eyes hint at a deep rooted problem with wine and vodka so be careful.

Take a close look at 'B', this area controls vision so whilst you have just looked at it you have used your 'B'. One interesting thing to note is that you have a zoom control, simply stick your right finger up your left nostril and twist. Clockwise will zoom in anticlockwise will zoom out, press your belly button to disable the ability to look up and down.

'C' helps you to make sense of the world, if for any reason this gets disabled such as a blow to the head from a cushion you will see the real world. Basically it's full of cloud unicorns, wooly pigs, eight foot high rocking horses, purple hills and everyone is naked and called Derek.

'D' controls your hand movements, it's this one that keeps your arm in check from smashing everyone that annoys you in the face, although this can be bypassed again with a glass of wine. To see how uncontrollable it is try this simple experiment and feel your arm raise and about to lash out. Simply stand against a wall and push your arm against it with as much pressure as you can, don't press your body against the wall just your arm. Do this for two minutes, then step away and relax your arms. This fools your brain into thinking you are being annoyed and your arm will magically raise all on its own. Caution, press for any longer than two minutes and your arm will become annoyed with you and will beat you senseless unless you sit on it for two minutes.

Finally 'E', controlling the nose it can distinguish subtle differences in smells such as the minute difference between the smell of a rose and horse manure. To understand how it works lets look at what happens when you smell something unpleasant such as entering a public convenience that has just been vacated by a thirty minute sitter who's failed to flush.

First 'E' registers a pong that it doesn't like, it then informs 'A' that maybe you don't need sugar or a biscuit and changes the command to wanting to wretch instead. 'A' informs 'B' to clean the smell away by causing your eyes to water which also tells 'C' that the smell is not of this world and is considered unholy, 'C' quickly sends a signal to 'D' which raises your hand to your mouth. Unfortunately it fails to inform 'F' the gag reflex and you blow chunks through your fingers.

Simple. Now you understand the intricacies of your brain, try this final experiment. Pull both of your ear lobes and stick out your tongue at the same time, it doesn't do anything to you but it triggers a reaction in other people's brains, try it today at that important meeting or at passing strangers in the street, the results can be quite startling.

I Am The Great Cornholio

Artists can be unpredictable moody people with a penchant for over flowery words and exaggerated dress sense but how do you know if you are an artist?

Recent scientific discoveries have allowed us to make a quick checklist, simply add up the statements you agree with to find out if you are indeed an insufferable artshole.

Take one point for each statement you agree with.

A) I am an artist.

B) I am not an artist.

 

How did you do?

1 or more - Sorry, you're an artist.

0 or less - Congratulations, you're not an artist.

 

Top Tips For Being An Artist

Do something arty.

 

Top Tips For Non-Artists

Do something non-arty.

 

Artist confidence test, on a scale of 1-10, 1 being the lowest, 10 the highest, how confident on a daily basis are you?

1-3 Sorry again, you are still an artist. It's perfectly natural to worry everyday and critique your own work to the point of self destruction. Your score may fluctuate on a daily basis sometimes reaching minus figures.

4-10 Congratulations you are not an artist but you may be an artshole (see 'Fartist' and 'Artyfarty')

 

How To Become An Artist

1) Don't.

2) If you really must then don't.

3) No, really, don't.

4) OK, In that case remember the old artist warning 'There are old artists and there are bold artists but there are no old bold long tailed lemurs that do excellent impressions of Mary Berry juggling her buns.'

 

Complete this arty sentance.

Artists ____ all day.

If you said paint, draw, create etc then congratulations you are not an artist, if you answered worry, cry, start again, tip over your easel, shout, throw work away, worry again then I'm sorry, you are still an artist.

If you are still not an artist then congratulations, please feel free to get on with your life. If you find you are still an artist then I'm deeply sorry and here's a pretty picture to keep you calm.

Cue the Bob Ross.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

What A Tosser

Pancakes are a traditional food first created in the 1960's after serious night of heavy drinking. Upon arriving home at 3am smashed out of his tiny mind Arthur Pendulum struggled to find anything to eat. The chip shops had long shut so he resorted to and area unfamiliar to his kind, the kitchen. After fumbling around in the dark he eventually located the gas cooker and turned on every knob to full, finding a frying pan in a cupboard he had an idea - heat+fat+potato=chips!

Arthur stumbled around eventually placing the pan squarely in the middle of all four rings to get equal heat, after a fruitless search for potatoes he gave up and instead found a stale Victoria sponge which he skillfully cut up into chip chunks along with several of his own fingers and threw them all into the pan. Nothing happened.

Arthur stopped and scratched his head, surely he had forgotten something, ah, yes, the oil. Arthur pulled the lid off the best sunflower oil and poured it down the sink, realising his mistake he wandered over to the cooker leaving a slippery oil trail slopping the rest into the thermal nuclear heat of the frying pan. Witnesses report hearing Arthur mutter the words 'Bloody Hell' before the resulting fireball burnt every hair off his body and left his clothes in tatters. Gladys, Arthur's long suffering wife who was sleeping upstairs was catapulted in her nighty through the plasterboard roof only to end up in the attic. The bright flash of flame blew out all the windows and the kitchen wall, when the fire service turned up to the ensuing blaze Arthur was found sat in the garden tucking into his snack. 'Pan-Cakes, bloody lovely, who'd ave thought it!' He muttered before passing out flat on his back and urinitaing like a fountain.

So with that our glorious pancake day was born to celebrate Arthur's new recipe, what topping do you like?

The Dumpster

A pancake covered with chocolate, Nutella, peanut butter. Often leaves looking the same way it was eaten.

The Posh Sadist

Someone who just has lemon juice on it, they don't really like it but it kids everyone else they are healthy.

The Roly Poly

Add strawberry or raspberry jam and roll like a cigar. Sit in a chair with a large brandy and eat cigar like infront of a roaring fire.

A Tummy Tumbler

A stack of pancakes on a microwaveable plate, one cream egg unwrapped and placed on top, thirty seconds in the microwave et viola, a gooey joy to make your tummy tumble and your bottom sing.

The Swamp Thing

Take one pancake, this is the swamp. To form the Swamp thing put together layers of pancake, boiled egg slices, pancake then beans. Repeat until two inch thick then roll tightly and stand upright in the swamp and pour over chilli con carne. Lean over and using no cutlery to eat and your hands behind your back just use your mouth for an authentic slobbery chomp sound. An hour later your body will start producing swamp like sounds including burbling gases and obnoxious smells. Try it on grandma it works a treat.

The Unforgiven

Any filling that includes Tofu. Although I do know one good recipe, simply oil the tofu lightly and toss in the bin.

Have a great tossing day!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

WHATALOADOFCOBBLERS LTD

MASSIVE SALE - DON'T MISS

THOUSANDS OF ITEMS ALL AT RIDICULOUS PRICES ONLY AT

WHATALOADOFCOBBLERS LTD

 Ms M.Angle from Dunstead writes...

'I love my Swearlight, being able to project my favourite rude words onto walls, pets and neighbours foreheads is a hoot. I once projected a seventeen foot 'cock' onto my bosses boardroom wall to rapturous applause by all attendees, needless to say I was shortly sacked afterwards and was forced to hand over my Swearlight due to my bail conditions. It's marvellous, I think every home should have two for those lengthy words like S******* and Fu******.'

No taste? Like novelty items that give you nightmares? Want to be the laughing stock of the neighbourhood with a unique 'party stopper'? Then look no further! Made from the finest polyester flammable material our 'cute' monkey acts just like society and is permanently in a rage and rude. Take away his banana and he will moan about his disadvantaged upbringing of not having the latest technology whilst auditioning for the X-Factor. A Hoot!

 Keep your polar bear warm this winter with our special smokin' polar snuggler, comes complete with penguin 'snack' and classic tobacco pipe.

Mrs G.Raffe from Twycross writes...

'My polar bears love their snugglers and I often find them sat beside a raging fire reading a book. Unfortunately I realised we had left a box of matches with them and they had accidentally set fire to my husband who was playing with the free penguin snack, needless to say I need somewhere to store Derek until he finished smouldering'

Have no fear Mrs G.Raffe we are here to help with our next item!

Unwanted false body parts cluttering up the house? Our 'Body-Away' storage system allows you to hide all those mannequin parts and unsightly sensual dolls in one easy place ready to roll away at a moments notice. Guaranteed to take up more space than is necessary this revolutionary solution is a boon to easy move mannequin and sensual doll enthusiasts.

Feel like a Hollywood superstar with this exclusive wonder watch. It's so stunningly beautiful we just want to keep them all ourselves! Studded with real plastic diamonds this show stopping timepiece shouts every hour on the hour, now you can't get better than that!

Send all orders to whataloadofcobblers Ltd, Whatatoss, LO5 5ER and enclose £23 P&P

How Dirty Are You?

Q. Which of these words are obscene to you?

1) Trumpet

2) Trombone

3) Waffle

 

Q. You are watching Blue Peter do you?

1) Cover yourself in Vaseline and roll in glitter.

2) Make yourself a boil in the bag rice dish and serve it by candlelight to yourself.

3) Fix a pully system to the roof and hoist yourself up by the ankles singing songs from Frozen.

 

Q. At a bus stop you notice an attractive person of the opposite sex, do you?

1) Break the ice and ask them how odd shoes get on top of bus stop roofs.

2) Break the ice and jump on their backs whilst shouting 'Room for one more on top!'

3) Break the ice, strip naked and perform the balloon dance shouting 'I'm Olaf, look at my snowballs!'

 

Q. If I said the word 'Frumbler' what would you think it meant?

1) One who has difficulty catching a ball.

2) One who frumbles their frumbler frequently.

3) It's time to fasten myself to the bed and get sprayed with silly string whilst dressed up as Elsa from Frozen.

 

Q) Complete this popular movie 'Fifty Shades Of .....'

1) Gurning

2) M&S Slippers

3) Oooooooooohh!!! My thrumble bits!

 

Q) You are on a romantic night out and everything is just perfect, do you?

1) Talk about the shunting possibilities of the Mallard versus the Flying Scotsman.

2) Break wind to blow out the candles.

3) Blow out the candles romantically and dress up as Bella, when you relight them shout 'I'm Bella to your beast let's dance with the candlesticks!'

 

Q) What does this photo mean to you?

1. Those shorts don't go with that turkey.

2. Draw me like one of your french girls.

3. My desires are unconventional...show me.

 

Results

Mostly 1's - You are a damn dirty pervert, go take a cold shower and let's have less filthy talk about shunting and trumpets you potty mouth. People like you should be stripped naked and spanked, vigorously, with a feather. Covered in blamange and with a rose betwix your cheeks. Oooooooooohh!

Mostly 2's - You are borderline and prone to episodes of dirtiness that is unhealthy. Go stand in the corner and spank yourself with your slippers whilst rubbing your nose with a copy of the telephone directory you naughty person. Go on, do it, I command it.

Mostly 3's - Thank god you're normal, now go and get yourself dressed in your Disney princess dress and join me in a singalong as we perform Chim-Chim-Cher-ee along the rooftops. This Mary Poppins outfit is SO tight, come here, feel it. Oooooh, my what a big chimney sweep you are. Is that your brush or are you just pleased to see me?

How dirty are you? 1,2 or 3?

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Hovelshoe

Ever wondered how pint pot celebrities like me live? Well, my secret is revealed, I live in a luxury fur lined Hovelshoe, the first affordable five star shoe house on the market. Hovelshoes make ideal starter homes and are available in a wide variety of colours. Each Hovelshoe comes complete with three bedrooms, a kitchen diner and a small garden and cloakroom.

For an extra charge we can install windows and doors around our patented strap and heel system. Extra grip on your Hovelshoe means you won't be caught out in bad weather either and helps protect you from the elements all year round with it's suede simulated outer shell. 'I love my Hovelshoe' says Ronnie and you can too! Only three plots left on our extensive luxury estate Stiletto Walk, hurry up, they won't last long at these prices. 95% mortgages available on all Hovelshoes, buy a left and get a right absolutely free! (offer restricted to Shoeless people only)

Have you noticed warnings on items are getting ridiculously over the top? Product guidelines are a work of art. Here's a few corkers from my printer guide.

DO NOT EAT TONER FROM TONER CARTRIDGE

Pity, I feel rather famished.

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO DISASSEMBLE OR BACKWARD ENGINEER INTERNAL COMPONENTS

Damn, That means the technology laboratory I added to the second bedroom for just such an event was built for nothing.

IF PRINTER WEIGHS MORE THAN 40lbs THEN MINIMUM REQUIREMENTS FOR LIFTING IS FOUR PEOPLE

Then how come a single postman can deliver it?

I recently bought a second portable radiator for the studio, it's a simple affair, you plug it I and it gets warm, not hot, just warm so you could put your hand in it all day and not get burnt. Hey, you can even kick it over and it's safe and there are no nasty places to insert objects to cause injury. So I was quite surprised when I read the instructions.

The appliance apparently is not to be used by persons with reduced mental capacity, physical injuries or sensory deprivation. Sounds a bit harsh, basically if you're hungover it's a no, no then. I mean, what type of reduced mental capacity are we thinking of? Does that mean if you have forgot where you have put the car keys you cannot switch it on? It carries on too; lack of experience and knowledge is also listed as a reason not to flick the switch unless, get this, unless you have been trained by a person responsible for your safety. Does that mean we have fully trained plug in radiator engineers just waiting to share the knowledge? Quick, sign me up!

Still, it seems to be a trend, I happen to catch an advert the other day for a product, I forget what it was but it's something like a toilet fresher or something but it was animated and featured lots of fairy tale stuff. Splashed across the bottom was a disclaimer. 'Product advertised features Fairy Tale dramatisation'

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought it was real when that unicorn flew out of the toilet and Rapunzel used her hair to clean the lavatory bowl. I'll certainly think twice when I sit down now and i'll be sure to shoo away Billy Goat Gruff first.

Honestly! I must go now, there's Pinocchio waving to me from the garden and I must join him as we are going to Cinderellas ball where she has got some glass slippers for me to try. Here's my pumpkin coach now pulled by six mice dressed as butlers. Bye!

*Today's blog features fairy tale dramatisation and reference to alcohol. Contains infrequent innuendo's, slightly amusing sentences and sometimes facts. We do not endorse cleaning any toilet with your own hair or the wearing of glass slippers, especially when under the influence of alcohol. This disclaimer is not for people with reduced little fingers, if your little finger is littler than your middle finger then please find a suitably digitally trained individual to train you to read this disclaimer. Hickory dickory dock, the mice ran up the clock, the clock struck one and the others got away with minor injuries. Humpy Dumpty sat on a ball, ouch!

Trolly Dolly

In conjunction with the driverless car trials starting in the UK this week supermarkets are quick to jump on the bandwagon with driverless shopping trollies. In a UK breakthrough specially adapted power trollies will be made available at all supermarket branches from today. Simple to use you simply pull the back of the trolley forward revealing a small plastic sitting area and climb in. Press the button on the handle and your journey begins.

At a comfortable speed of 12mph you will be whisked up and down each and every aisle, lean out and grab items as you pass by and place them in the trolly basket between your legs. It couldn't be any more simple, if you miss an item remain seated whilst the trolly completes its circuit and starts again, you can ride the circuit as often as needed to complete your shopping. When you have finished pull the chain on the coin slot, turn it clockwise, place it into slot three and remove the triangle from slot six whilst holding down button seven and pressing pedal two, it couldn't be simpler! The trolly will then accelerate to sixty mph and whisk you to the nearest checkout. The sudden halt in speed will catapult all your groceries onto the conveyor belt and two automatic hands will forcibly remove credit cards and monies from your person for your safety until you have paid in full.

Have every assurance that our new driverless system is perfectly safe as long as you follow three simple rules.

1. Keep hands, feet, hair, items of clothing, digits etc in the trolley at all times and only use our special selfie sticks to lift products from the shelves as you pass by. Please note after several selfie stick jousting incidents any medieval buffoonery will not be tolerated. Also no standing whilst the trolly is in motion to reach the top shelves, several ramps have been placed to strategically launch your trolly, please use the ones provided.

2. Guide dogs must use a separate trolly and bark when the aisle and shelf is level with its owner. To make this simple all barks must conform to the doggybet. i.e. A = 1 Bark, B = 2 Bark's etc. All words must be barked clearly at all times so for example SALAD would be barked as follows:

19 Barks, 1 Bark, 12 Barks, 1 Bark and 4 Barks for D, 12 Barks for L (Left) and 32 Barks for second shelf (See bark per shelf chart)

3. Accidents do occur, if you are involved in an accident please remain seated or incapacitated whilst our automated ambul-trolly is despatched to clean up. You remain wholly responsible for your own safety and in no way will we be liable for croissant crashes or baked bean pile ups.

Enjoy your future shopping experience!

Today's blog has been bought to you by Future Crap Ltd, bringing you needless technology far too quickly without the thought of consequences and social integration. Why not try our new Smart televisions that record your conversations as text on a central computer or our low cost drones that record neighbours in full HD?

Future Crap Ltd, you know it makes no sense.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

No.2 ROAR!!!!

 Marvel as the blog brings you the first thrilling adventure story from the mind of the master of the unknown unknowns who unknowingly unleashes the unknown into the unknown. Prepare for the unknown with ROAR!!!

 It's going to be rough!

 I like it rough!

 Better than a pump!

 All night!!!!!!

 Good god! It's Uncontrollable!

 Take that filth peddler!

 Nice shoes! Just take off your trousers and sit over there!

 Oooh!

AMAZING!!!

Happy Impossimal Day!

YOUR LOVE LIFTS ME HIGHER

Edition Size 250 Paper

16" x 16" / 27’’ x 28’’ Framed

When you find that special person it feels as though your feet will never touch the ground again, our two little Impossimals are so in love that it just might come true.

Five new Impossimal limited editions have been launched this weekend with hopefully something for everybody; a bit of romance, a bit of cake, a bit of wine, a bit of ice cream and a family all hoping to raise a smile or two on these darker mornings. Impossimals are all about happiness so sit back and enjoy and banish those Monday blues away :)

A BALANCED DIET

Edition Size 150 Canvas On Board

30" x 18.5" / 36" x  25" Framed

Never eat more than your own bodyweight in cake.

GO BIG OR GO HOME 

Edition Size 250 Paper

11.25" x 20" / 23’’ x 32’’ Framed

A little drink? Don't mind if I do.  We all eventually need glasses, they just get bigger with age.

I SCREAM, YOU SCREAM, WE ALL SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM

150 Box Canvas

30" x 30" / 34’’ x 34’’ Framed

I wanted to explore the inner thoughts on the reward values of frozen luxury items through the medium of paint... No I didn't, I wanted to paint lots of big fantastic ice creams to fill your wall with gorgeousness and place an Impossimal at the centre willing to eat its way out. Nom,nom,nom!

THIS IS HOW WE ROLL

Edition Size 150 Canvas On Board

40" x 18.5" / 46’’ x  25’’ Framed

Kids in tow? Then you know the feeling but as a family we live, love, laugh and roll our way through the ups and downs of life.  Scream if you want to go faster!

All the galleries should have full details of the latest releases and don't forget, we are visiting York, Bristol and Leeds in the next few months foe exclusive Impossimal appearances!

Confusionally Discombobulated

Want a top diet tip? Eat two bags of these crisps EVERY night around 8pm to stave off hunger. Unbelievably it works, it's something we have done for nearly three years and has helped us keep our ideal weight whilst not giving us the feeling of penalised and unable to enjoy treats at the same time.

Stupid isn't it? It's the Smiths Crisps diet although that may have already been used somewhere. The worst thing about the diet though is buying the crisps in the first place.

You would not believe the amount of comments, questions and other sideways glances you get when you pick up eight bags of twelve. 'Got a lot of kids love?' was one such question yesterday and 'Crisp sandwiches tonight?' was another followed by a cackle of a laugh. 'Having a party?', 'Do you like crisps?' And the oh so annoying 'Got enough there have you? Hahahaha!!' Enough to soften the blow of my fist as it pummels your flubby face I often think. So like a drug dealer I have to spread our crisp purchases out over various locations to avoid crisp related banter, it's either that or start replying with suggestions that I use the crisps in some kind of Fifty Shades way by allowing people to eat them off my naked body. Knowing my luck it would probably back fire and I'll end up talking to somebody that actually does that but with Wotsits instead and they would end up suggesting some kind of kinky crisp contortion that I was unaware of and will never erase from my mind for as long as I live.

Whilst out and about yesterday I noticed a new trend, old shoppers wearing headphones or listening to music. Odd isn't it, especially as they are even more unaware of people around them so I delightfully had one elderly gentleman wandering around the supermarket listening to some easy listening music who made it his purpose in life to either get in my way or casually bump me with his trolley when he turned around because he couldn't hear what was behind him. Even at the checkout he continued listening and occasionally shouted 'PARDON!' Over the noise of his personal concert. By the fifth time of him shouting this I was sorely tempted to purchase a pair of scissors and snip his cords so to speak. Then just as I was getting over this annoyance who joins my queue but a lady with iPod ear buds who looked around sixty loading the conveyor belt whilst randomly shouting 'Baby, Baby' and 'Go Bitch' inbetween lip miming some sordid pop tune and occasionally hip thrusting the counter, it was all most distasteful.

Where has this come from? Why did I see a tattoo on an arm that just had the word 'Potato' and a crown on it? Why did I witness a small child (around six) eating Billy Bear meat and telling their parents what to do and what to buy whilst shopping? What on earth was the person buying a 24 cans of cider and a pack of brussels going to do? And what is the logic of packaging small onions with the words 'Small Onions' on the front and offering them for sale at 69p for a KG when the same identical onions (I checked) sat next to them with the words Small Shallots priced at £1 for 350g? Are we really that stupid?

Just as I was pondering this and many more earth shattering revelations the back of my legs buckled as an Beats headphone wearing OAP swung a fully laden basket my way. Three in one shop! It's OAP headphone madness!

Will somebody PLEASE tell me what's going on, I'm awfully confused.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

For Better Or For Worse

I recently replaced a bedside clock with the simplest radio controlled bedside clock after the old one inexplicably broke. The new one didn't work so that was returned and I was offered an upgrade to a better, more reliable one.

Oh my.

I don't remember asking for a chronological timepiece with temperature, moon phases, a mysterious button called wave and a side mounted laser display. Some bright spark decided that late at night when you wake up unexpectedly and look at the time you required a full exploding lightshow on your ceiling to inform you that it was indeed 2:59am making sure that you were indeed wide awake to take in the extra info that it's -2 outside and a full moon. I only wanted a clock but as with many things today everything comes along with so many extras that it makes you wonder if anybody has thought it through.

My digital recorder needed updating so after plenty of research I upgraded to what promised to be an all singing, dancing system that would cater for all my minimalist entertainment needs. It did but now the bloody thing keeps recommending things, automatically upgrading and telling me about new features I could not give a stuff about. With the latest automatic update its decided only to record with 2mins of everything or chop the last ten minutes off, additionally when it goes online to find the things it failed to record it plays them with oodles of adverts then errors telling you the content is not available. Checking the manufacturers website I am politely informed that yes, there is a problem and we are looking into it and will publish our results later next week. Well that's just dandy isn't it? In the meantime I will look after your useless piece of technology and plastic until it sees fit to let me use it as it was intended.

I have added it as number #25243 on my list of things that annoy me, it's just above #25242 Using no indicators and below #25244 Shrinking toilet rolls. It's a big list.

Last week the BBC news app was updated to an all singing, dancing version that now tells me about itself everyday.

I have pressed 'OK, got it' five times and it still keeps appearing, today it started again with this...

See how stupid it is, stop telling me! I switched my phone on this morning and over two hundred notifications and updates piled in and the vibrations shook it off the desk. I had this a few days ago when I was driving and the phone was in my trouser pocket, a sudden burst of notifications felt like I was getting a crotch electrocution. I couldn't decide if it was pain or pleasure so sent myself a few texts to find out.

My Sat-Nav.

It developed a lisp a month ago after an update and started to mispronounce 'R's, it's finally cleared up with a recent update but has now decided to stop SHOUTING and started w h i s p e r i n g like the directions are a secret. The funny thing is that the sound is on full and she starts nice and loud but by the top of the street she has a voice like a mouse fart until she will randomly announce at a roundabout 'take the THIRD exit and KEEP left' alternating between shouts and whispers.

This morning I popped on the PC to a cavalcade of updates including several for software I didn't even know was running, please stop!

Anyway just a quick update (see what I did there?) A few bits have been added and adjusted to our website, the World Of Impossimals facebook page has been updated too all in readiness for the five spanking new Impossimal releases this weekend. More details about these next week along with a first look at the internal freezer chamber I'm building for Knickerbockergloria in the studio.

Have a great weekend and we will see you all again here on the blog next Tuesday :)

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Fairly Tails

RAPUNZEL

'Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair to me!' shouted the valiant Kings son.

There was no answer, only a small grunt from the enormous tower.

'Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair to me!' shouted the valiant Kings son again.

'Jeez' shouted back Rapunzel, 'Can't I take a crap in peace!'

And with that the Kings son shook his head and rode away.


SNOW WHITE

Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
Who in this land is fairest of all?

To this the mirror answered:

'You, my queen, are fairest of all.'
Then she was satisfied, for she knew that the mirror spoke the truth. She also knew she was completely off her tits on Opium and immediately started a conversation with a four legged chair.

CINDERELLA

What they said was very true; for a few days later, the king's son had it proclaimed, by sound of trumpet, that he would marry her whose foot this slipper would just fit. They began to try it on the princesses, then the duchesses and all the court, but in vain; it was brought to the two sisters, who did all they possibly could to force their foot into the slipper, but they did not succeed.

Cinderella, who saw all this, and knew that it was her slipper, said to them, laughing, "Let me see if it will not fit me."

He had Cinderella sit down, and, putting the slipper to her foot, he found that it went on very easily, fitting her as if it had been made of wax.

'We have found the strumpet!' shouted the King, 'Wretched be the girl that left us with a ten tonne pumpkin in the driveway and a plague of white mice to clear up, take her away and beat her severely with her shoe!'

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

"Grandmother, what big arms you have!"

"All the better to hug you with, my dear."

"Grandmother, what big legs you have!"

"All the better to run with, my child."

"Grandmother, what big ears you have!"

"All the better to hear with, my child."

"Grandmother, what big eyes you have!"

"All the better to see with, my child."

"Grandmother, what big teeth you have got!"

"For god sake all you do is ask bloody questions? It's like a game show. Do you realise the trouble I have gone to with this disguise? This bonnet was a nightmare to fasten with these claws."

"Bugger me, a talking wolf!"

SLEEPING BEAUTY

At last he came to the chamber, and when the king beheld Sleeping Beauty, who seemed to be enchanted, he believed that she was asleep, and he called her, but she remained unconscious.

"Get up you lazy cow." he whispered but she stirred not. The alarm clock he had set rang and rang but still she did not stir. A bucket of the coldest water poured over her had no effect as neither did the gunpowder keg that exploded under the four poster catapulting her into the ceiling. In desperation the king did the only thing possible in the circumstances and reached into his deepest pockets.

Suddenly Sleeping Beauty sat bolt upright as the king pulled out his credit card. 'Here, buy what you want' said the king  through gritted teeth and with that she snatched the Black American Express and ran out of the door to buy some shoes.

DICK WHITTINGTON

So one day when a great wagon with eight horses stopped on its way through the village, Dick made friends with the wagoner and begged to be taken with him to London. The man felt sorry for poor little Dick when he heard that he had no father or mother to take care of him, and saw how ragged and how badly in need of help he was. So he agreed to take him, and off they set.

'So are you Big Dick or Little Dick?' asked the wagoner.

'Neither' said Dick, 'I'm Limp Dick'

'Limp Dick Eh?, do you know Thick Dick or Bent Dick?'

'I do not sir but I come from a long line of Dicks, Dick by name Dick by nature.'

'Bet the time just flies by in your household doesn't it.'

Classifieds

FOR SALE

Twin seater settee, petrol, only 27,000 miles. Covered in a pink floral fabric this nice little runner has only had one lady owner. Passenger seat springs may need replacing after seeing much action. Good brakes and four good feet, manages sixty at top speed. £2999 o.n.o

Second hand tissue, slightly used, not man sized. Only £2 collection only due to fragile nature.

Painting by Picasso, woman on chair with crossed eyes. Genuine article, signed in biro. £26 million o.n.o

Ageing artist, slightly floppy around the edges with a few wrinkles. Will paint if watched otherwise is lazy. Has delusions of strange animals and stripes. Unwanted gift. 99p or will exchange for a well known celebrity.

Trumpbone, it's like a trombone but you play it with your bottom. Excellent sliding action, change pitch by squeezing cheeks. Sounds dreamy. £45 Slight burnish on mouthpiece, don't play after curry night.

FOUND

Des'O'Connor, behind wheelie bin in Hull city centre. Slightly bent and out of tune, email for details. Quickly please.

Leathery object found at antiques fair, may be David Dickenson. Makes annoying sounds, comes with free set of unfashionable glasses. Will give away if not claimed.

£10 Million. My name is Into Bentito Official of Nijanji and I believe it's your money. Send name, address, phone, DOB and passport now to claim. Box 37

Disgarded cigarette butt, a few puffs left, shame to let it go. Box 928

WANTED

Celebrities for household, must be willing to stay for a couple of months and filmed everyday. Not a celebrity? no problem, we now accept any tenuous celebrity link as validation. Contact BB channel 5.

Personality, wit and charm. Willing to trade for elitism and ignorance of the North. D.Cameron, No.10

Magic flute or magic carpet. Good prices paid for working models. No magic lamps or wardrobes to Narnia please.

JOBS

Uniformed arms specialist willing to work in secret base located in volcano. Good salary and uniform provided. Dr No, Crab Key.

Become a weather person! No experience necessary, simply step outside and state the obvious. Must be willing to lie convincingly and be excited when delivering devastating weather news. Put the wind up them, become a weather person today! BBC

Programmer required to run Power Station, must be able to use Sinclair basic and used to power station to ZX Spectrum interfaces. Joystick operated fuel rod removal, it's just like a teddy grabber, come along and join in the fun as we get as close to a meltdown as we dare! #ohmygoditnearlyblewup

PERSONAL

Sexy foxy seeks foxy sexy for sexy foxy fun. No stoats or badgers please. #foXXXy

Mr Grey seeks well written book. #erotictat

Single male looking for fun, frolickation and tractors. Muck spreader attachment ideal but not necessary. Come and play in my purpose built pig sty. All the hay you can eat and fantastic teats. #mrmcdonald

Fun active guy 100 stone but looks thin seeks 100 stone lady to share a future. Hope to have the first 200 stone child. Have own freezer and deep fat fryer but willing to share.

Blog writer looking for funny material to include, must be absolute drivel to be in with a chance. Contact @Impossimal today.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

7 Things

I have been nominated by HRH Prince Charles on Facebook so here are seven facts about me!

1) I once was in a fight with Shane Ritchie on the set of Eastenders over who would take the over large poodle Rolly for a walk whilst Dirty Den opened the Vic. It had to be broken up by Ricky and Dot Cotton.

2) In 1985 I travelled the Sahara and won best dressed goat at the Sahara Butlins Complex, I came second in the three legged Bedouin and last in the knobbly knee contest. My chalet was a Yurt and I owned two Yaks called Geoffery and Cuthbert, Geoffery wore glasses whilst Cuthbery made do with a hat.

3) In a cubicle in South Wales I once broke wind so loudly that they opened the gates on Tower Bridge, London to let what they thought was a ocean liner through.

4) I'm a fully trained Chimp scissor stylist and can coiffer a gibbons hair into several styles using only an Afro comb.

5) my favourite pastime is pretending to be an artist.

6) I was once a seven year old and like most people my age I'm 47.

7) I was excellent at maths at school and learnt to count at an early age.

10) I'm so thrifty that instead of buying an expensive private number plate I changed my name to YS12 ZTG.

13) I once attended the Oscars and sat next to Brad Pitt. I say attended, I sat close to the television when it was on and turned up the sound. I also touched the screen at intervals. I'm not weird.

20) I can say the alphabet backwards. Tebahpla.

21) If you turn your belly button anticlockwise your bottom falls off.

22) I once saw Keith Chegwin naked, he was so surprised that I knew where he lived and that I wore no clothes.

I nominate Orville The Duck and Keith Harris and the letter Z, take it away Orville!

 

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Feeling Woolly?

Maudlin Maude here dear, I love to knit and hum at the same time and I'm sure there are others like me that love real music so let's see, now you can take my Des'O'Bygraves Are You Woolly Enough? questionnaire to discover if you are one of us 'easy listeners' and if not why not?

Question One

Do you own a woolly jumper? If so, how many?

A) 1-2 

B) 3-10 

C) 10+ I wear nothing else but woolly jumpers. 

D) zero and if anybody dares buy me one I'm going to roll it up and stuff it where the sun doesn't shine.

Question Two

Is Stairway to Devon a real song?

A) Yes, it was on the album Bridlington or Bust by Max Doonican

B) Maybe, I remember it could be from the compilation album, Colostomy - It's Not My Bag.

C) No, the real track is called One Night In Devon by the Wurzels.

Question Three

Which would you choose?

A) A voucher for Celtic Sheepskin.

B) A pair of matching rocking chairs and an open fire.

C) A long arm pickup stick to avoid bending over to change your old 78's

D) Listen to Radio Norfolk whilst knitting jumpers for dogs.

Question Four

Where is the best venue to listen to 'real' music?

A) Urmston Pigeon Club on a Friday night.

B) Weston Super Mare Pier

C) Wells Library in Norfolk

Question Five

Fill in the missing letters

D_s'o'Connor, Max Bygrav_s, Val Doonican.

ANSWERS

Q1 A=1 B=25 C=100 D=1000 (Correct answer is D, you watch people in woolly jumpers entertain you not the other way around, trick question see!)

Q2 A=1000 B=25 C=2000 (Correct answer is C as you are in denial)

Q3 A=1000 B=1000 C=1000 D=1000 (All are worthy pursuits so this was a trick question and you may have found it difficult to answer any particular one as they are all attractive to you)

Q4 A=30 B=500 C=1000 (Correct answer is of course C with its stadium seating arrangement that seats fifty on a good day)

Q5 Answer is 'e', bit difficult I know but give yourself 10,000 points if you solved it.

Des'O'Bygraves Are You Woolly Enough How Did You Do?

Less than 100 Sorry, but you are just starting out on discovering this wonderful world of music, try watching the experts if you can find any VHS tapes of them and sit in a rocking chair occasionally, it will help.

101-1000 You know your stuff but your just a bit short of the woolly mark, I recommend buying the treasured Take It Easy box set containing 287 tracks on twenty cassettes, over twenty four hours of non stop music to make you horizontal. Featuring hits like Down With The Crumpits and It's a Long Way To Nasal Hairy you will be slow hand clapping like a motherflipper in seconds.

>1001 Wow, you are so woolly you shrink in the wash, or is that your age? Did you know you lose an inch every two years after forty five? Of course you did, anyway, you know that easy listening reigns supreme and that all the music of today sounds the same and the last decent song you hear was the Birdy Song, you even know all the moves and can show the kids of today how to strutt your boogie stuff or something like that, I forget so many things nowadays. Trams, they used to run every thirty seconds at the bottom of our street until Doris took a fancy to a young clipper and they found her upside down on the top floor covered in rose water. Punched her ticket he did, they never did run right after that, come to think of it she didn't walk right after that either.

I'm off to do my knitting wearing my bobble hat, I must get this tea cosy completed, I'm off to a concert tonight, it's a new band that a nice young gentleman said I should see, apparently they play all the classics with tunes you can hum to. Funny name though, don't know what they were thinking coming up with Cradle of Filth.

OMG! I just got back, it was so fast that I clapped until my nose bled, Harold my chaperone was carried off with heart palpitations after being hit by a bottle of urine. When Harold returned they played From Cradle To Enslaved and the resulting power chords shorted out his hearing aid with a whistle so loud it lifted his toupee, again he was carried off whilst I tripped which was mistaken for wanting to crowd surf and I was handled in places I hadn't been touched since the war. It was shocking, although I did get tickets for tomorrow night and I learnt a new word, Bitchin'

Three New 2015 Appearances

Knickerbockergloria part way through her transformation

We have such a lot lined up this year and it's only just over a week before five new Impossimal limited editions are released so we thought we had better update you with three new appearances we have managed to shoehorn in, they are...

Castle Galleries, York, Saturday 7 March between 1-4pm

Castle Galleries, Bristol, Saturday 28 March between 2-5pm

Castle Galleries, Leeds, Saturday 25 April between 1-4pm

As usual we will both be in attendance showcasing all the latest Impossimal work and several of Jaynes fabulous wildlife artwork originals so pop along if your passing and say hello at these popular Impossimal galleries.

Don't forget we are also taking part in GoGoDragons and our dragon Knickerbockergloria will be gracing the streets of Norwich in the Summer, full details will be on our website shortly along with further details of our ticketed Lost Impossimals night in May at the Michelin starred Pipe & Glass with top chef James Mackenzie's unique accompanying menu. And if all that isn't enough we have another spectacular event pencilled in for the end of 2015 that will really make the year end with the unexpected.

Knickerbockergloria our GoGoDragon bought to you by Bluebird Care,Norwich raising funds for break-charity.org can be found on Twitter at @Sapphire1Dragon alternatively the hashtag #GGD15 will get you there too.

A bit of an update, the normally silliness returns tomorrow just in time for the weekend.

 

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals