Minajimal Magic

Welcome to the celebrity drawing class, today's lesson is bought to you by pop princess of booty Nicki Minajimal, you may recognise her from the chart topping songs 'Pound The Alarm My Bootys Just Exploded' and 'Starships Have My Lips'.

Yolo, Nicki here, the first stage of drawing is to start to understand proportions. It's no use having a big ass if you can't draw it so for a start let's try something a little more recognisable with Winnie The Pooh. Notice how I have used blue to give me a workable outline, it's what us professionals do. Use circles to adjust the proportions and remember the rule that circles for heads are always half the circle for a body unless the body is four circles high then it's two fifths of the arm circle plus one inch for swellage.

Sketch out the above observing my correct proportions then fill in the detail.

A perfect Pooh, don't forget to add props like the honey pot and that other annoying pink thing called Toglet.

The human form is a lot easier, it's essentially circles and ovals, use a mannequin found in most department stores that you can pose to get the correct stance then trace around it. Again when filling in details try sketching yourself, pretend you are the model and look in the mirror. Work it baby.

Once done it should look something like this. Don't worry if you can't achieve a look this professional it all takes practice and a steady hand. And that's it, you should now be on your way to artistic greatness and critical acclaim.

My latest exhibition takes place at the Museum Of Modern Arty RSC ITV CSE BBC and is called Minajimation, see what I did there? It opens this Saturday with a free stageshow in which I will inflate my lips and bongo my booty to my latest tunes. Here's a preview of some key pieces.

Mexican Frying An Egg

Pencil and charcoal on archival paper (2009) £15,000

The Spiders Handstand

Felt Tip (2013) £10,000 SOLD

Pig On A Bike

Japanese squid ink on rice paper (1998) £25,000

Two Black Eyes

Biro on toilet paper (2013) £9,000

Minajimation, a study of Yolo has been described as 'breathtaking' and 'an unimaginable puerile collection' by critics the world wide. Nicki Minajimal was unavailable for comment after an accident with a pair of nipple muffs that left her deaf and unable to wear high heels for a fortnight.

Return

There is another Wonderland book.

An untold story of Alice who is the Red Queen, I mean the Queen Of Hearts who is Alice but half of the Red Queen, you see that's the problem, it's all got terribly confusing since we found the door.

But wait, you don't know about the door do you?

You wish to find out? Good, then follow me...

...Deeper

And

Deeper

We go.

A third book, four sculptures, six paintings, twenty five keys, three hundred and fifty objects, thousands of hours and only one closed door.

It opens this October.

 

 

Alice is waiting for you.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Yesterdays Technology For Tomorrow Today!

Crapple are please to announce their new poundPad exclusively available from selected pound shop outlets. Made for the masses this sleek addition fits perfectly within budgets to give low income families the chance to own our superior products to enhance their inferior lives. We at Crapple believe that we can offer so little for so much time and time again by adding a number at the end of each product.

Don't forget for only a £1 you can take advantage of our £1 per day high speed Ceefax and Teletext access for all the latest news direct from 1984 with over 998 pages to view you won't get bored!

Let's look in detail at the Crapple's sleek swish design made out of the finest plastic.

Weighing only 263kg it's light enough to be wheeled around using our additional wheelBarrow (RRP £399) and small enough at 10cm x 6cm to fit in your pocket. The display is a four colour LED setup with stunning picture brilliance allowing you to watch movies on the move at full HD quality (Please note, films must have been made before 1932 in black and white for the full cinema experience. HD refers to oH Dear and should not be confused with other HD references to quality) It comes loaded with a full range of apps awaiting your discovery.

FACEBUK
A specially trimmed down budget version of the popular social website allowing you to post skilfully cropped photos for your misleading profile pictures and to show off those candid moments captured on camera to receive Yikes! From friends. Full censorship options allowing you to freely post offensive material but not a picture of a nipple or any text that takes up more than 5% of your photo. We wouldn't want you to enjoy yourself or make money now would we? Comes fully loaded with advertisements for your viewing pleasure.

TWIT
Using only morse code you too an now share things in an instant at the press of a button to the wider world. Pester celebrities, befriend people who wouldn't touch you with a barge pole or just be a twit the choice is yours. Receive TWITS like this classic from David Cameron '-.-- .- -.-- / .. / .... .- ...- . / .--- ..- ... - / -... .-. --- -.- . -. / .-- .. -. -.. '

LOOLOC
Want a shhh in the Shambles or a pee in Peru? Or LOOLOC will find you a thunder shack in no time at all. Simply press no.1 or no.2 and we will do the rest as your location is transmitted to CRAPPLES headquarters along with all your text and photos for us to analyse. In return we will send you back almost instantly your closest relief station. (NB Usage of this app allows us to record your audio for further analysis, this helps our feedback as we will estimate your comfort sighs)

eSay

Got some gossip? Want to make some cash? Why not sell it on eSay the only online gossip auction site. Dish the filth and get the wealth, from kiss and tells to full blown allegations eSay is for you. Simply upload your gossip, add a compromising photo to back it up and set a price, with catagories ranging from arguments to affairs and secrets to sauce if it's tawdry it's tradable. Make £££'s today!

£4GOLD

Simply place your item on the flat of the screen and press go, we will electronically weigh and scan your item before making you an offer. The very next day you will receive a stamped addressed envelope, pop in your gold and that's it, it's so easy to make money it was almost worth stealing that gold necklace. Now with additional gold tooth software, simply open your mouth and we do the rest, we even send you a free pair of pliers to help with removal. We couldn't do more to help you if we tried, oh yes we could! Don't forget our new app SHARKLOAN where you can borrow from £1-£1 million at the press of a button with competitive interest rates capped at 8000% you know you can trust us. (N.B. Faliure to keep up any repayment will liable you to limb loss)

ICEBUY
All your Iceland, Farmfoods, Lidl and Aldi favourites in one place so you can compare party food and fish fingers without leaving your armchair.

BOX BROWNIE
Our built in 0.01 Megapixel camera capable of an incredible resolution of 640x480 (2 colour only) with a guarantee that it will always take an unflattering picture no matter what. Our built in daylight flash (simply stand in full sun) will bring out those colours, for nighttime simply use our long exposure for incredible images. (Set to night shot and hold steady for three hours)

HANDY SHANDY
No money? No Booze? Simply start up this app and the screen fills with a pint, raise to your lips and pour that amber nectar as you would a real pint. Sensors in the pad will detect the tilt and drain the glass! Friends will think you are drink demon as you down pint after pint with no ill effects. Offers in store purchases for Carslberg, Fosters or for real men the Bear Gryllis special, wee.

DITTY
The ultimate music app that records all your old 33's LP's onto magnetic tape called cassettes, a medium set to become the music storage choice of the future. The 'cassettes' clip onto the back of your pad so you can listen on the move, we call it a 'Walkman' Optional record feature allows you to capture favourite tunes from the top forty absolutely free. Use the additional app DJGONE to remove DJ's talk from the beginning or end of tracks. Simple!

The CRAPPLE poundPad available today from all good pound shops only £1.

Draw Me Like One Of Your Stick Girls

STOP PRESS!!!!

Peter & Jayne to appear at Castle Galleries, Leeds on the 25th April between 1-4pm, all welcome. Come along and draw him like a stick girl.

Wait!

Hammer time!

Ante Up!

Take it away Bert and Ernie!

IT'S FRIDAY!!!

Don't forget muthas, get down wid it, it be sick!

Peter & Jayne to appear gangst stylee at Castle Galleries, Leeds on the 25th April between 1-4pm, cruise down in yo slab and shine those grills.

Word up.

You Sexy Thang

Welcome pop pickers to Peter Pops top of the pots, our new revamped chart show just for the kids, innit! Well down and sick, it's so ratchet it makes me want to plank ya according to Nikki Minajumanji, our inflated bottom pop diva. So without further ado, and you better belieber it here's the official top ten this week!

After last weeks smash hit from the Bee Gees and "More Than A Woman" with its catchy lyrics 'Bald-headed woman... bald-headed woman to me' can "I Believe In Molecules, You Sexy Thang" by Hot Chocolate make a late entry?

Who knows, WHO CARES!

Charting at number ten this week is...

10. "I believe that the hotdogs go on" from the movie Titanic.

9. "She's got style, she's got grace, she's a wiener." - She's A Lady by Tom Jones

8. "My anus has the centre holed." - Centrefold by J. Geils Band

7. "Like a virgin touched for the thirty first time." - Like A Virgin by Madonna

6. "We built this city on logs and coal" - We Built This City On Rock And Roll by Starship

Ooo la,la! We are down to our top five, who will be our number one?

5. "Hold me closer Tony Danza." - Tiny Dancer by Elton John

4. "She was a fax machine, she kept her modem clean." - You Shook Me All Night Long by AC/DC

3. "I wanna freak out and stab ya." - Abracadabra by the Steve Miller Band

2. "See that girl, watch her scream, kicking the dancing queen" - Dancing Queen by Abba

And number one, the most sought after spot in the charts is...

1. "Might as well face it, you're a dick with a glove." - Addicted To Love by Robert Palmer

Bicyclett

Easter went far too quickly ending in a seven mile walk yesterday in conditions that started out with us wearing woolly hats and gloves but ending with me virtually walking along in my underpants in full sun. It was that hot (the weather, not me) that my flimsy long sleeved T-shirt managed the task of making sure I was sunburnt (on April 6th!) in small circular stripes and the back of my neck now looks like the skin of a red onion.

The Bank Holiday traffic was of course crazy as usual, random parking, motorbikes skipping queue's of traffic and tourists deciding to have a full blown BBQ on a National Trust area around dry heather and peat. You know, typical holiday accident stuff that Bank Holidays are famous for. We walked by in disbelief as three foot flames shot out near young children and a whole chicken was placed on top to be cremated. One stray flame and around two hundred acres of moorland would have gone up in smoke. Silly people.

Some strange people were afoot yesterday; we passed and oldish couple out for a walk dressed in full jungle regalia including mosquito nets and puzzled at a brand new wheelchair in the middle of nowhere with absolutely no possibility that it had travelled there over a mile of rugged outcrops or indeed that a miracle had occurred at that exact spot. I delighted in dogs who as usual become agitated with my presence and decided to a) Growl and snap b) Stand in my way so I have to walk around them or c) Wait until I sit down for lunch then proceed to hump something nearby. Still, nothing could prepare me for what happened next.

Driving through Chatsworths grounds in Derbyshire you get used to the hundreds of cyclists that frequent the surrounding hills, many, if not all wearing the latest 'I like to think I'm in the tour de France' getup but some are a little, how may I say it, a bit too open with their nether regions.

I'm used to seeing things bobbing up and down trapped behind thin lycra, I'm even now used to groups of men stood around looking like they have all been shoplifting baby carrots but one thing I'm not used to is wear and tear. Neither was the cyclist who I drove up behind.

'What's he wearing??' said Jayne

'Dunno, it looks like he's sat on some kind of cushion' I replied

'OMG!'

'What?'

'It's his backside!!'

True enough it was indeed his naked posterior bouncing up and down on the saddle through mightily worn lycra bottoms. If you can imagine two onions in a string bag full of hair being dropped onto a saddle so that the onions drop either side only to reveal the radish between them then you are coming close to what we witnessed. A heaving hairy sweaty bottom red raw and yawning that we were forced to follow for an uncomfortable minute until we could pass safely.

Needless to say it put us off our lunch and I made sure I didn't look in my mirror as I passed knowing that a front view would possibly be worse.

So, that was the low light of my Easter, hope you all had a great break, back to the studio!

What Happens Next Will Shock You

 She only wanted to lose a few pounds but what happened next blew her world apart!

 Robbie Williams came along to celebrate, the guys that deluded he would turn up at the opening of a door.

 He had waited all his life for this moment, what happens next will bring you to tears.

 Justin walked onto stage in a Zippy costume wearing nothing but a melon thong.

 This cat saw something he will never forget that will reduce you to tears.

 They are using their goddam shoe for a selfie, OMG shoefies, kill me now.

 This boy wanted a dog, what happened next will delight you.

 The dog won.

 This dog was starving but refused food, the truth why will stun you.

 It was served on a goddam shovel with a side shoe, He's not eating that crap.

 She wanted a fairytale wedding just like in the fantasy world of Disney, this is what she got.

 He loved Bob The Builder, nuff said. Get in the bucket.

 This bunny could not believe his eyes and you will never guess why.

He lost all respect for humanity when he saw this sign, even bunnies know where to tinkle.

Knickerbockergloriagone!

14th January Knickerbockergloria our GoGoDragon arrived from our sponsors Don and Carole of Bluebird Care, Norwich at our backdoor; five Impossimal launches, four new sculptures, three appearances, two signings and one commission slowed down our progress but today, two and a half months later Knickebockergloria left her temporary home for pastures new on the streets of Norwich.

Here's her story...

 When our dragon arrived she had to be manhandled into the conservatory, the studio was far too small to tackle such a project so she became a fixture, one that we saw everyday.

An oil sketch was produced of our initial design, always tricky at this stage as working in 3D never runs as smooth as it's planned.

 The first job though was an all over paint job for a base coat, we mixed this from standard dulux paint with acrylic tints to get just the right ice blue we needed, it took three coats and 2.5 litres to cover her before we could begin.

 It's about this stage you realise how mammoth the task is, painting and creating a six foot dragon is no mean feat and moving her around just as tricky. So after our experience with the London Elephant Parade we found an ideal way using plastic sheets and blocks of wood we could tilt her in most directions to make it easier to work on.

 By the end of the first week we had done quite well.

Then work started pouring in; commissions, unexpected opportunities, the cartoon series and personal appearances and launches effectively wiped out most of February for us and Knickerbockergloria started to look accusing at us most days as we passed by on the way to the studio with our heads hung low.

 Come March and we were back, the view of the heart had been constructed allowing me to see both sides of Knickerbockergloria's ice laden insides which happen to include some favourite ice lollies. The mini sculpture took two days to create and paint and a further five days to paint on her sides.

Jayne had been busy too and completed the five hundred ceramic snowflake designs for the wings, all that we needed to do now was attach them then seal them in place, another three days work.

Finally as we nearly reached the end we added invisible NFC tags to the sides and programmed them with information from Knickerbockergloria, simply tap your NFC enabled phone at these points to read them when you meet her.

 Mid March and she's free! Ready to go to the garage for a few days whilst she gets her coat sprayed with glitter!

 Today we said our goodbyes for now and watched her depart in her silver coach (white van) soon to arrive at her new home in Norwich and eventually she will be looking for a permanent home when she goes up for auction later this year.

If you want to visit Knickerbockergloria then watch this space as we will be publishing details of just when and where she will be through the Summer months. Send us your photos if you see her and we will include you on a special Knickerbockergloria special in our Autumn/Winter magazine later in the year.

Bye Knickerbockergloria, see you soon!

Guest

Yay! Our guest blogger today famous author  Alan 'Key' Bennett, with his glorious monologues about life and his mother,  take it away Alan!

It was not a particularly adventurous order - two slices of wholemeal, browned but not burnt, two butters and no jam delivered with the lack lustre flair and grace of an aged stripper from a bored girl with black hair but it suited the surroundings, a department store of no repute, perfectly. Optimistically called Zest, the restaurant, if one could call a self service cafeteria a respectable establishment, remained empty.

The two slices, uncut and a little burnt around the edges, looked disappointed. I turned them over to check both sides and fumbled with the small packets of melted butter from my plastic chair. The knife was dirty and a thin film of grease covered the once clean table. I ran my finger across the the cheap finish, noting with some distress that it felt gritty with the dirt of others, the dirt of life my mother might say. 

She said things like that you see, my mother.

Opposite a grey haired gentleman had a similar problem. his toast was also burnt and he used the back edge of his knife to trim away the black. His face hinted at unhealthy thoughts as he hacked away harder, pausing only to cough up a years worth of flem.

Stop, stop it right there Alan! I know you're a top writing chap and all that but hey, lighten up a little, this is a happy blog, use happy words!

It was a marginally happy order - two slices of wholemeal, averagely toasted, two butters, sans jam delivered with a flair and grace of a bored but smiley stripper from a girl with dark hair but it suited the surroundings, a light and airy department store, perfectly. Called Zest, the restaurant, a self service cafeteria was a respectable establishment but remained delightfully empty.

I however felt dismal in such surroundings and I noticed with alarm the salt pot was half empty and the previous diners had left crumbs in the sugar. The dirty, grotty people tainted with the colour of life as my mother might say.

She was a miserable sod, my mother.

FFS Alan, keep it upbeat! One last try, think positive, positive, positive!

I was happy, hap...hap...happity and it was with delight I ordered perfectly toasted toast that arrived delicately delivered with lashings of butter, no jam as requested at the Zesty, Zest, Zest restaurant that was so delicately decorated they had even sprinkled crumbs in the sugar for me to nibble on.

That's it keep it up!

The crumbs...

In the sugar...

No Alan! Don't go there! Think frolicking lambs, think puppies! Forget about the sugar Alan!

Sugared crumbs...

From dirty people...

Vile dirty crumb laden people with sausage fingers and big flappy lips licking at dribbling butter running down their wrists and elbows eventually forming a pool of grease in their massive bellybuttons. Filthy, filthy grot laden...

Alan!!!!

Pardon?

Are you even listening?

Yes

Then be positive!

It was positively vile, I rue the day I ever entered. The sauce in those brown sticky bottles should have been a warning sign it was for common people, or as my mother used to say, for the great unwashed of the world.

Alan! That's terrible! You're banned from the blog for life, you can't be rude like that!

Sorry about that, Alan can be kind of difficult. Instead here is one of Alan's delightful little poems from a few years ago to see us out.

Mary had a slice of ham,

She also had some bacon,

Harry was the little pig,

Who's life Mary had taken.

Mary loved ham but hated Harry, he often left crumbs in sugar bowls and as his mother always used to say, dirty deeds bring dirty deeds and Harry had been very dirty indeed.

A.K.Bennett

Holy Underpants, Show Me Your Bristols

Holy Cornflakes Batman, are they serious? Is Peter and Jayne really appearing at Castle Galleries, Cribbs Causeway in Bristol tomorrow?

I'm afraid so Robin, the tragic twosome will be there between 2-5pm.

Holy hankies, what are you going to do? I thought the Penguin and the Joker were the worst thing to happen and now we have this, two artholes cavorting around in a gallery. Is there anything we can do to save Bristol?

I'm afraid not Robin, unless...

What is it Batman?

Unless...

And? Holy buttholes Batman, tell me!

KAPOW! Shut up Robin.

OWW! What was that for Batman?

Being a dick. There's only one thing for it Robin, I must dress up as a woman.

Again? Don't you remember last time?

I do Robin and I felt great! Pass me that suspender belt and lipstick, I'm going to gatecrash Peter and Jayne's appearance at Castle Galleries, Cribbs Causeway in Bristol between 2-5pm tomorrow Saturday the 28th March. They won't suspect a thing.

Do I need the rubber suit again Batman?

You do Robin, this time don't forget the talc and the ball gag, we don't want you squeaking all over the place. To the cross dressing fab mobile!

Holy lavender tea, this is going to be sweet!

If you would like to join Batman and Robin as well as meet Peter and Jayne they get yourself to Castle Galleries, Cribbs Causeway in Bristol between 2-5pm tomorrow Saturday the 28th March for fun, frolics, stories, dedications and cross dressing superheroes.

N.B. Superhero cross dressing event subject to change, not all superheroes are available to cover every appearance and some may even be in disguise.

STOP PRESS - The invisible man will be there!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Whistling Aceholes

'Are You Bloody Whistling?' Unknown Artist, 1534

Welcome to the Party For Non Whistlers and our latest manifesto for this years general election. If we are elected we pledge to:

Ban whistling from all public areas, furthermore anybody caught whistling 'O'Danny Boy' or other yesteryear easy listening classics will face an on the spot fine of £100

Whistling on public transport will render the whistler liable to be forcably ejected from said service.

Tuneless whistling will be considered a major offence and will carry a jail term no shorter than two years. Whistlers will be confined to their sound proofed cells and forced to whistle 'Dancing Queen' for twenty three hours each day until they are cured of their whistling affliction.

Phantom whistling, or whistling in a crowd to hide identity will not be tolerated. All citizens will carry an anti whistling stick (a small leather truncheon) as a deterrent. Should the whistler be identified all passersby must comply with the required beating until the whistler promises never to whistle again.

Humming is also outlawed, as uncontrolled it leads to whistling.

And so on...

Why whistling? Well, yesterday I had to endure a tuneless version of the Laurel & Hardy theme that almost drove me to violence. There's nothing worse than a high pitched noise that rambles staggeringly over so many incorrect notes and is punctuated by humming when the tune gets too high for the whistler. I mean this was serious whistling torture, what on earth does whistling offer the whistler? Comfort? Enjoyment? That's two words that sit uncomfortably with the notion of whistling, the idea of pushing air through lips shaped like you are sucking a pencil brings an uncontrollable urge out in me, it's like the rage that creates the Hulk. If you want to whistle at me try doing it over there, approximately fifty miles away in the general direction of flick off.

Really.

Whilst we are at it another thing I find annoying is at the checkout when the shop assistant insists on chatting to the person behind them as if you wasn't even there about something other than work. So you can imagine how amused I was listening to who this young lady had pulled the night before and just what antics they got up to as I bought three bath sponges the other day. She was that much in the moment that she hardly turned around and dropped the sponges twice, pressed the wrong button on the checkout and laughed so loudly that she also burped (she made sure she was facing me for that). The other assistant didn't help, she laughed like a surprised hyena, doubly so at the burp, in fact she laughed so much I thought she was going to collapse as tears streamed down her face.

I toyed with the notion of making her collapse for different reasons, I went in for bathroom products not to be covered in a fetid clingy breath that smelt of boiled eggs and to endure dirty gossip. Walking outside I noticed with dismay whistling coming from across the road and promptly crossed to hit them with my anti whistling stick.

So vote for the Party For Non Whistlers and let's stop this tuneless menace on our streets, alternatively vote for Say No To Checkout Gossip Belching and banish this uncouth behaviour once and for all.

You know it makes sense!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Fancy A Biscuit? Join Our Club

Wondering what to do on these long dark nights? Why not join a club, there's loads to choose from, here's some of the best in your area.

 

If like us you love a good blow then join us every Monday night at Fluffers the ONLY place where fellow fluff collectors can air out their fluff and dust collections in friendly surroundings. Newbies welcome, we have courses running to help you blow better dust from behind cabinets, tops of door frames and even from under the bed and every third Monday of the month we hold our Dust or Dirt? competition with prizes ranging from bendy straws to blow in awkward places to leaf blowers for suck-blow experts. Kids can also join our junior dust club and learn the joys of lint, hair and crumb collecting absolutely free.

Joining requirements - £1.23 per person, members must carry at least twenty pieces of fluff at all times and adhere to our rules regarding fluff and dust identification. See rule number 1526.25 pt 2 Volume 4 for fluff clarification and acceptable collection methods.

 

What could be better than sharing the long nights with a new companion EVERY month? One that will show you unconditional love, not talk back or argue and never HOG the bed. You need Pig-Post(Tm) in your life where for a small fee we will send you lovingly wrapped each month a brand new pigpanion. Simply fill in your pig partner preference and our computers will do the rest and find your perfect piggy-panion. Want a noisy eater? no problem, our Linconshire Old Spot will fit the bill, need a bit more muscle, again, no problem, we'll send you a Tamworth in no time. Any colour, any age Pig-Post puts pigs in packets to post with our unique sty to door delivery service. From runts with grunts to probing porkers we have it covered.

Join today and take our Perfect Pigpanion test, only £99 per month. N.B. pigs are non refundable, we will send you a new pig every month under plain wrapper, to avoid embarrassment Pig-Post will not show on your credit card statement and will instead be displayed as Porking4Pervs.co.uk

 

Does life drive you nuts, it does us at Bonkers we inflate daffodils and trump down chimneys to bring you the best in Bonkers services. We offer a completely off the wall range of pastimes to fend off boredom and mundanity of real life. Join us on our cushion hunts on Snowdonia using real bananas, ski down our Birds custard slope naked with sausages strapped to your feet or take advantage of our weekly special and receive a lifetimes supply of alarm clocks strapped to cats.

2nd November - Bungee jumping in the bath

3rd November - Scuba diving in public toilets

4th November - Elephant juggling

Unfortunately we have had to cancel further events detailing the popular Strain And Drop after Arthur Donkeypoker filled a French letter with water and dropped it from a height of 75 feet into the toilet bowl at his local pub in an attempt to impress a member of the public in the next cubicle that he had done a 'Giraffe'. As Arthur grunted and let go he also slipped and followed it down, the resulting double splasher rapport burst the eardrums of the cubicles occupant who staggered out, trousers around the ankles only to find Arthur upside down in the urinals.

Price - Ace, ten, jack, Queen, King.

 

Join us on our latest collecting expedition as we scramble to the top of bus shelters and disused garages to retrieve those precious 'lefties'; discarded shoes, which we clean, feed and rehome in our extensive network of shoe fosterers until their rightful owners come to claim them. Have you lost a shoe? If so visit wwww.wheresmyshoe.co.uk and browse our shoe files or use the online identification chart. Register a bus stop to see the list of shoes found or simply browse our collection of success stories. Coming soon, www.shoesreunited.co.uk, find old shoes from your childhood, school shoes and shoes that have moved abroad.

Not lost a shoe? Not to worry, we now offer a comb finding service too at www.combhunters.co.uk

Coming 2014 - wwww.loosechange.co.uk

Joining fee - £1.05 per shoe search, comb searches carry a 10p surcharge.