Burt Dangerous - Professional Arse At Your Service

Burt Dangerous, swarve, sophisticated and from Blighty out to root out the evil in this world. From his secret store cupboard deep in Croyden Burt receives a phonecall...

'That was the commissioner Burt, he has an extremely dangerous job for you that requires your 'special' skills for King and Country' said Flambert, Burt's trusty batsman.

'What ridiculously dangerous but exciting job that makes me look sexy has the commissioner found for me now Flambert? Is it as deliciously suicidal as chasing the flamboyant sailor last week and ending up in a barrel? Or is it as sinister as the gaudy glory hole of Grantham that found me butt naked and wedged up to a chair?'

'Its worse than that Burt, it's a cocky flicker who thinks he knows everything about the Pullman 2654 to Crewe and we all know there's nothing worse than a know it all trainspotter, especially as you are president of the Trainspotters Federation of Ace Holes. 

Go and put him right Burt, tell him the Pullman 2654 doesn't go from Crewe, that should sort him out.'

'Oi, you! Do you know who's patch you are train spotting on you shunter head?'

'I was only looking for a Pullman 2654 gov'nor, give a guy a break!'

'Take that! There will be no more Pullman spotting for you today you flicker!'

'Oooofff! Ok, ok, I'm off, you win!'

'Well that went well Burt, the commissioner has called to congratulate you but also has another request. We have a suspicious man asking about Hillman Imps, a potential car enthusiast and he has asked you to take them out for him. Old car enthusiasts must be eradicated before we are all driving around in Robin Reliants and eating egg sandwiches beside the road. Don't spare the rod Burt, he also has information regarding a masochistic stamp collecting meeting going on in Surrey, see what you can find out.'

'Will do, they won't know what hit them!'

Thwack! Pow! Crash! Tinkle tinkle...

'No more slowing traffic down for you on your way to your Impish club, get a decent car you crumblie!'

'Well, he didn't reveal much but I did find his secret stash of Frey Bentos pies that he had secluded at the bottom of his garden. Hey, what's this hidden under the tins?'

'This is it Flambert, the note revealed that if I pull this chain three times the toilet flushes in number ten, that's the signal for the masochistic stamp collectors to meet. For that I need to go in disguise so I don't stand out, avert thine eyes, I'm going native!'

'Ooooh Bert you make me spooge.'

'Damn lucky I had my leopard undercrackers on and not my elephant trunk boxers. What's that I spy down there? It can't be? It's Shaft of the Jungle, it looks like he's making his way to the meeting.'

'Hi Shaft, what's happenin' my dog, is that a snake or are you just pleased to see me?'

'Yo Burt, righteous greets, I be after a good spanking and heard this was the place.'

'You heard wrong Shafter old buddy, it's spanking all right but mixed with a dangerous stamp collecting ring, you're best out of it, these things can get rather... sticky, but I've got it licked.'

'Oh. Bugger.'

'Why do you take my place bwana?'

'I have a secret weapon, once they start spanking my eroticism will explode destroying their ring forever and possibly me in the resultant sexplosion'

'Isn't that a bit strong for a daily blog that's supposed to be about art, I mean all this talk about sexplosions and spanking is a bit far fetched isn't it?'

'Not really Shaft, it's a well known fact that art is pain and pain is spanking and spanking is art, now get the bloody mask on and flick off, my arse is humming for a drumming.'

'Make sure you get a safe distance away, when I go off I don't want to be responsible for your swift but enjoyable death at the hands of my exploding rear.'

'Bye Burt, enjoy?'

'I will Shaft, I most definitely will.'

'Here they come!'

*SPANK

'More, more!'

*SPANK SPANK SPANK

'Come on you losers, put your back into it, that's it take a run up big boy!'

*KERSPANK!!!! SPLOOOOM!!!!

'Burt was a good man, perverted as hell but a good man. Went out with a bang splat and not many people can say that.'

'Tosser more like Sarge.'

'You can say that again, hehehe!'

THE END

Or is it?

Mystical Balls

Let me once more look into my balls to see the future..

Several full moons this year are falling on the cusp of Scorpios elbow and enters Libras twelfth house which will call forth a large pink hovering pig that will float aimlessly above Milton Keynes before spontaneously combusting and showering five counties with free bacon. A half moon in July in conjunction with a Plutos Uranus square to Mars gives a distinct possibility of rain at some point in the month and I will even go as far to pinpoint it's location as somewhere in Scotland.

In April an ascending  New Moon hints at the possibility of a celebration accompanied by eggs, I cannot predict this exactly as I'm out on a limb with this but it will involve chocolate and a partial lunar eclipse shows two large ears and a fluffy tail. Only time will tell if I am correct on this one. July is interesting, I see five 'hoops' after studying Aquarius in a trine to Mars, the planetary picture is positive but I see little in the way of gold coming to the UK.

In August Virgo hits an all time high and it is revealed that Big Ben is actually Thunderbird 6, controlled by puppets in the adjoining Westminster. There will be a popular uprising and the puppets will be packed into Big Ben and launched high into the sky where, like a firework, they will explode. It will also be the month of Early Chrimbodosso where mysteriously large tins of Quality Street will appear in supermarkets throughout the land.

September will be a moonless month and revelations will appear to support claims that Roly, the dog from Eastenders first episode was actually Michael Flatley, a claim supported by the story line when Roly trampled (tapped danced more like) over Arthur Fowlers prized leeks in a bid to show off. It will also be revealed that cheese can now be made without animals using old socks and bits of melted recycled plastic, something they have been doing for years and the real reason for recycling bins.

December, I see nothing special about December at all.

Octomembersaur is a new month that will be introduced in 2013 to cope with the revelation that mathematicians have still not agreed to adding in the leap second. Calculated back through time we are now in the age of the dinosaurs and require a new month of 40,000 years to bring us back in line. New fashions will include stone clubs, square wheels and of course the iCave, a dwelling hewn out of solid rock.

Your Lucky Lottery Numbers Are - 12,25,23,35,38,39
All are guaranteed to come up!!!!*

*At some point, in some lottery and not in this order, use of these numbers forms a contract between me and you. All winnings above £1 must be shared with me.

So all in all 2012 looks to be an exciting year!**

**Predictions may vary from ones given and I predict they may even be completely different, which as a prediction is a pretty accurate prediction so my predictions are of course valid.

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Master Minder

Arthur Daley here, Your modern entrepreneur is constantly gazing into the crystal ball of opportunity so have a gander at my latest money maker, a quiz show. Get anything wrong and I'll send Terry round to push you down the apple and pears.

Your chosen subject is answering questions using a song title, lets begin.

Q. What was Fergie, The Duchess Of York known as and by whom?

A. Queen and 'Fat Bottomed Girls'

Q. In the popular book Fifty Shades Of Grey what happens in the red room?

A. Meat Loaf and 'I'd do anything for love (But I won't do that)'

Q. You discover a small insect in the bath, what is it?

A. Beatles and 'She Came In Through The Bathroom Window'

Q. In fiscal policy describe the current euro situation in three words.

A. Europe and 'The Final Countdown'

Q. In the bible what chapter did Moses appear in and what could he not do?

A. Genesis and 'I Can't Dance'

That's it for this round, now for the general knowledge round where you supply a question to my answer.

A. Chimp Scissors.

Q. What do you call scissors for cutting chest hair?

A. A Clowns Pocket.

Q. Where would a clown put his hankie?

A. No.

Q. Is there a way to scratch a scratch card without scratching it?

A. A Blowhole.

Q. If you eat a curry followed by pizza and six pints of lager what do you get?

Finally for a bonus point fill in the blanks using just one word.

------- is good for you although you can get wet handling it and a slippery one is difficult to hold on to. ------- come in all sizes, from the disappointing to the oh my god variety, size though makes no difference to your enjoyment unless of course you are trying to please a lot of people at once.

The correct answer was of course 'fish'

You have scored 0/0

Want to buy a new motor?

I have just the one for you, only one lady owner.

Stripper Pole

Come and join us tomorrow Saturday 25th April at Castle Galleries, Leeds between 1-4pm for an arty farty extravaganza where we will prance around talking Impossimals completely NAKED whilst gyrating up and down our portable stripper pole.

OK, maybe not naked BUT there will be plenty of Impossimals, drink flowing from specially imported fifty foot wine fountains held aloft by an army of muscled, tanned men and an entire troup of dancing sheep signing to Elton John. The strippers will be on stage at 2pm just after the knife juggler and a seven course dinner will be served at 3:30pm promptly.

You will find a large selection of shops have opened their doors in celebration of our appearance then shut them in our face when they realise who we are. Rumours of us being banned from Leeds City center on grounds that we bring the area down is completely founded in truth. Of course we will be bringing our own packed lunch of a bottle of wine in a brown paper bag as usual and feel free to hunt us down in the carpark as we tuck into our carpark picnic just like the guy last year who videoed us and uploaded it to YouTube under the heading 'look at these nutters! Hahahaha!'

Jayne and I will be singing power ballads on air guitars and miming to Nikki Minaj before reading a passage from our latest book 'Peter And Jayne Go Wild At Butlins', part of our reading with shame series. Of course we will also be available to chat and sign things, although no buttocks, we never got over the pen slipping last time. We will also be continuing our record breaking attempt and trying to beat the fifty two people we managed to cram in the galleries viewing room when we last visited.

So come along, it's completely free and we don't bite anymore.

You can't get better than that!

N.B. Peter and Jayne will be appearing tomorrow at Castle Galleries, Leeds between 1-4pm and all are welcome, additional entertainment is subject to availability, expense and general silliness.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Potato!

Verily forsooth, tis the day of the George, slayer of dragons and purveyor of white and red underwear but just how much do you know about old George and potatoes?

St George's real name is Arthur Crimblecock and the dragon he fought was called Mary Mangle, his mother in law who he saw off with a well placed aim when a potato hit her squarely in the mouth shutting her up indefinitely.

George once married a Marris Piper.

In 1970 St George set up St George Ltd PLC and opened hundreds of public houses around the country called George And The Dragon and installed formidable landlords and ladies who would chuck you out at closing time and refuse happy hours on the grounds that drinking is a serious matter. A downturn of trading in the 90's when pubs went 'family friendly' and turned beer gardens to play areas forced George to sell off his pub chain to Wetherspoons, a non dragon fighting public house chain that supplies pies and pints to the masses.

George had a liking for potatoes.

St George joins St Bungle the patron saint of DIY accidents and St Zippy the patron saint of loud, obnoxious people you wish had a zip to form the holy trinity of patron saints called a Rainbow. Rod, Jane and Freddy contrary to popular belief was actually a set of instructions.

During the great fire of London in 1666 St George whilst gathering his possessions to flee the city decided to leave behind his favourite potatoes wrapping them in silver foil to avoid damage. When he returned to the glowing embers of his house the next day his distress was tempered by the discovery that he had accidentally invented the humble baked potato. In his diary he wrote 'House destroyed, all my worldly possessions burnt beyond repair. On the bright side created an excellent new snack I shall call a baked potato and open up a business selling such a new discovery, it shall be called Potato'U'Like. It can be served with lashings of gruel and lemon posset.'

In 1667 Londons first Potato'U'Like caught fire when a batch of potatoes reached critical mass and exploded scattering red hot mash over several miles. Several potatoes were catapulted into random areas of London, due to their unexploded nature they are still regarded as a hazard today if discovered during building works. St George was found walking around dazed and confused after the explosion uttering the words 'Your not supposed to blow the bloody doors off!' Words made famous many years later when the worlds biggest potato heist was dramatised for television in 'The King Edward Job'

When St George saw his first ever King Edward potato it resembled an overgrown prune, he described it in his diary...'King Edwards? looks more like King Kongs!'

St George was the first person to survive going over Niagra Falls in a hollowed out potato. The Pentland Squire was particularly ideal to be hollowed out having a tough outer skin and a firm middle making it ideal for chips or indeed makeshift boats.

He also had an obsession with potatoes.

Potato slippers never really did take off, after several wearings the public complained of mashed toes so they were taken off the market and replaced with our now common training shoes made from hardened potato skins in large factories worldwide.

St George always loved potatoes.

As with his wishes when St George died after being crushed under two tonne of New potatoes foolishly stacked he was placed in a baking tray and covered with SMASH to resemble a large Shepherds Pie. We don't know why, he was just funny like that.

FUN FACT FOR TODAY

St George loved potatoes.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Nessie Spotted!

My name is Arthur Pembleton and eager Nessie hunter. After the recent photos of this elusive creature I thought it was time to open my archives and join in the discussion. The Loch Ness monster; Fact or Fiction?

After many years tracking old Nessie I can finally answer that question. Fact. Nessie is as real as you and I. To back up this startling statement here's definitive proof; photos I have taken. They are not blurry, not amateur just professional shots taken during my Nessie hunts, let me convince you that we have a Jurassic Park right under our noses.

My first shot was taken in 1974, I had just been strolling down the sea front after spending a good few hours in local hostelry. I was steadying myself on the handrails near Blackpool Tower when out of the gloom I spotted something not resembling a turd. It bobbed along the top of the crashing waves and had a stench one could not describe. I had no camera, come to think of it I only had one shoe too, but that was no hindrance. Quickly I pushed a passport photograph booth and angled it towards the sea, feeding in 2p's like they were going out of fashion the booth kicked into life and took this photo. Unfortunately the flash scared off the creature but not before I had captured Nessie's first foray out of Scotland. I was hooked. The local police though would not allow me to use this photo or my story as defence when charging me with criminal damage to a coin operated photography booth so my Nessie photo never saw the light of day until now.

My second sighting was in 1982 and coincided with stumbling out of the Dog and Duck across from the house of William Shakespeare in Stratford Upon Avon. I couldn't believe my eyes for there in the middle of the street was Nessie, chasing a dog! Two women looked on distraught from the house, luckily I managed to knock a Japanese tourist to the floor and grab his camera taking this remarkable picture in the process before it ate the dog and slithered away past BardsRUs and into the gift shop. I pursued the creature only to be arrested, again a conspiracy by the police did not allow me to use this photo as my defence and I spent two painful years in a small cell with a large chap called Jeffery Hardstaff. I now claim disability allowance after refusing to pick up a bar of soap.

My final sighting in 1989 was the most dramatic. I was sat on the bank of the Thames in London finishing an eight pack of White Lightening when I heard and almighty splash. Looking up I didn't see anything at first until my eyesight stopped seeing double and I gasped. For there not thirty feet in front of me was Nessie herself admiring Big Ben and smoking a pipe! I ran around screaming eventually punching a tourist to the floor and grabbed the camera, this picture is the star of my collection, the first picture I was allowed to use in my assault defence. Unfortunately my picture was discredited saying it had been to a photo shop but I can assure you I have never been to a photo shop in my life this is a 100% bonafide shot of Nessie and more convincing than the one I saw yesterday in the news.

So as you can see its all true, Nessie exists. Maybe next time you can join me on my next excursion as I try to find Nessie's secret hideaway behind Tesco's using only a box of twenty four cans of lager and a bottle of 20/20.

The truth is out there.

What Time Is It?

Are you from the future? How would you know if you are? Take our brand new time travelling quiz to find out. Are you Dr Who or Dr WTF? Do you own a hover board? Have you ever walked in on yourself on the toilet?

1. The answer is a burning ring of fire, what is it referring to?

A) A song that I used to like when we still had milkmen, we bought things with thrupenny bits and shops were shut on Sundays. 

B) Last week when I nearly turned myself inside out screaming in pain after eating a particularly large madras with extra chilli and had to apply ointment to third degree burns and mend the toilet.

C) The destruction of Krudigan 7, the largest interplanetary civilisation that was destroyed in 3152 by an explosion from a space pig that collided with the sun. A resulting blast that created new life forms including one evolved from mice that could only squeak the word 'plunge'

2. You realise after leaving the house that you have left the kettle on the stove, what do you do?

A) Return home because I can't walk very far nowadays and make my self a cuppa then listen to the radio just in case Arthur Askey is on or maybe Vera Lynn. I love a bit of Glen Miller I do, reminds me of a knee trembler I had one time just as the bombs started dropping...

B) Ignore it because this is the twenty second century and electric kettles have auto switch off, nobody uses kettles and stove combos anymore, microwaves, its the future. Pass me my microwave dinner, I'm starvin'

C) Panic and materialise in 1724 just as the first kettle was being invented, smash up the prototype and repeat until kettles no longer appear in history and tea fails to secure a mass market appeal. Go home and use your Intellibrew to construct a mug of coffee from reconstituted beans from the Mayan Empire in 253AD

3. What is your favourite television program?

A) Ooo, I do like a bit of Clark Gable or Laurel and Hardy, have they made a new series? I'd love to see them again, them and Champion The Wonder Horse. I wonder if Shirley Temple is on tonight at the flicks?

B) Dunno, television program's are rubbish nowadays, what with Game Of Breaking Bad and Y-Factor, its a bit like X-Factor but more pants but at least I get to sit and eat more whilst I moan.

C) I love to watch Spacebabyxxx In Eastenders, the storyline with the mutant cat that destroyed Drairy Barlows hairdo still cracks me up, I don't mind a bit of Strictly Come Zero G, although I still can't recognise any celebrities. Big Brother XXXXXVVVVVVII was quite good, the idea to drop the BB house and its occupants into a supernova was inspired, beats the vote and ejection they used to use with the catapult.

4. What's your scariest moment?

A) Once, when I was making a cup of tea the phone rang. Fair made me jump that did, I nearly scalded myself, after that I disconnected the phone because let's face it nobody rings me anyway and it frightens me. I mean voices from a bit of plastic, its just not right I tell you.

B) There was that time that I needed to go really, really bad, it was touch and go that I'd make it in time. I was drunk so fumbled with the lock, when all of a sudden my stomach gave a lurch, it was coming. I shot through the door and rushed upstairs before exploding in a torrent as I sat barely having chance to remove my trousers. Neighbours banged on the wall, dogs howled, children wept although I don't remember making too much noise. I later received a bill from the local sewerage company after three employees passed out as they cleaned one of the pumps and they found my underpants.

C) It was 1066 and I stood next to King Harold as a barrage of arrows came our way, 'duck' I said 'they will have somebodys eye out'. Harold looked up and uttered 'Where?' and the rest is history. Scary thing is that it could have been me!

5. Is your first name Doctor and your surname Who?

A) Mr Doctor is Jock McTavish and he looks after my lumbago and stiff hips. I'm good for my age you know, look at my teeth.

B) I don't need no doctor, this is puppy fat that's all. A good burger never did me any harm as did none of this chocolate or chips or cereal or lard.

C) Only when I have had a drink in Lapaloosaka on planet Wibble IX, you should have seen the Gwatagaarg's face when I smashed the Kessel Run in under two parsecs. 'Who you'? he said, I said 'Me not who, you not who too!'. How we laughed. I then pressed the airlock button and turned him inside out arsehole first.

HOW DID YOU DO?

Mostly A's - Sorry, you are not a time traveller, your are a time ditherer and spend most of your time wondering where time as gone as you were sure it wasn't this time five minutes ago.

Mostly B's - Sorry, you are a time waster and spend most of your time eating, drinking and watching rubbish whilst surrounding yourself with labour saving devices.

Mostly C's - Sorry, you are a time traveller, no, really, I'm sorry you are because you can go back in time and rewrite this quiz so it says you are a time traveller. You could even change this bit to say something about HENS TEETH ARE THE BEES KNEES that will not make sense to anyone.

Clip Clop

I'm Dixie Normous owner and stylist at Trotting Clippers an exclusive hair studio in the heart of Mansfield. We offer competitive clips, comfortable clops and styles you wouldn't believe, we are stylists to the stars and are the first to offer the 'Rip Strip' the excruciating painful way to have a perfect bikini line using superglue and an old dish cloth.

This is Liberace Sweet Cheeks our top stylist, he's most famous for working along side John Wayne during his film career.

As you can see he has produced some stunning designs. Over the years from our shop in Mansfield, just down from the old Tesco's and up two flights of stairs, pop the light on and climb the step ladder in the attic and your there, we have built up a roster of famous barnets sculptured to perfection here at Trotting Cloppers.

After many years of practice we came up with the Justin, here shown on our current model. We came up with this now famous hairstyle for no other than Roger Moore who needed something to accompany his massive eyebrows.

Doesn't he look stunning! Roger loved this hairstyle so much he bequeathed it to the entire music industry and is paraded today by some of the biggest or smallest stars depending on which way you look at it. Although we don't hold it responsible for writing inappropriate comments in visitor books or indeed anything to do with monkeys.

Our biggest claim to fame is the restyling for George Lucas of the entire Star Wars cast, underneath all that makeup for the very first time we can reveal the real look of Star Wars.

In my new book Star Wars - Beneath The Helmets I show you stunning photos taken on set a few of which are shown here.

Darth had a serious problem, he was worried he wasn't going to be taken seriously when threatening to destroy the Rebel Alliance and decided what he needed was a new look. We suggested this lovely blond sweep, not quite Farrah Fawcet but subtle enough to give Darth a whole new image and boy did he feel fabulous. Feel the force of this baby, this will light up your sabre. Hubba Hubba!

Peter Cushion, ever the joker decided on this outlandish style, a style mirrored by Katy Perry many years later after we showed her this photo just last week when she popped in to say hello as she did her weekly shop at Lidl. Apparently they are doing three tins for two in their hotdog range Katy informed us. Peter would sashay onto set in a long red dress before donning his working gear and acting up a storm. Way to go Peter, what a diva!

Han was more of a problem, we needed him to look macho, tactile, vulnerable and sexy all at the same time so we crossed a 'Justin' with an 'Owen' to give him his own 'Hans Off' style. Just look at that pout, work it baby!

In my next book Raiders Of The Lost Wig I will reveal more insider secrets when I tell you all about the outlandish requests of Indiana Jones, some will make your toes curl. Here's a sneak preview of what was really under Indianas hat during filming...

Finally we offer a pet grooming service, should your pet require a Petwig or would like a 'Justin' to pop on down. No fur too big or small, prices from £2.45 for a short back and sides to £5.64 for a full Lady Gaga.

Yay! Trotting Clippers, because you're worth it!

 

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals