Humbuggery

Scrooge was on to a good thing, don't let the jollity of the season spoil your Christmas being miserly and rude, simply follow our several step guide to holding on to all those hard earned pennies this season and maintaining that grumpy demeanor.

Never ever throw away your candles, even when they have burnt down to the absolute bottom they can still give a few seconds of light and heat out for Bob Cratchit to stay another few hours on Christmas Eve.

Be awkward, the more awkward you are in general the more people will leave you alone to count your money this year. Gatherings of friends and family promotes happiness, stamp on this by provoking arguments although come Christmas Day tea time they should pretty much have started themselves.

Ask to take away any fat left over from the goose or turkey from any unpleasant gathering you are invited to. Burnt coal dipped in fat has a new lease of life and will warm your room and provide a pleasant cooking smell to boot.

Keep several chamber pots full to the brim with effluent, should a gaggle of carol singers turn up unexpectedly simply tip the contents from the first floor window onto their cheery heads. Don't forget to shout first so they look up open mouthed.

If by chance you get three ghosts appear on Christmas Eve who want to show you the past, present and future just ignore them, they only want to fill you with regret and remorse. Instead make Bob Cratchit work through the night of Christmas Eve until dawn that way you avoid any spirit intervention.

Say no to mistletoe. It cold and flu season so slap anyone who comes near you and chastise them to keep all their sniffles to themselves. And it's poisoness.

Tell any child you encounter that Santa is not real and lecture them on the evils of believing in anything other than the pursuit of wealth at the expense of others.

When counting pennies it is advisable to stack them in columns of ten, that way when transferring them to your safety deposit boxes you can easily see if any fall short or have been pilfered by that scheming Bob Cratchit. If you notice a discrepancy remind him of what you did to Tiny Tim by placing a crutch and a small cap next to his desk.

Remind people that everytime a bell rings a fairy loses it's wings.

If on Christmas morning you awake to a fresh coating of snow outside and you look out of the window to see a young scamp walking along, remember that big prize turkey in the butchers shop and fling open your window wide. Shout down to the young scamp and say 'Boy! I said boy! Does the butcher still have any turkeys left in his window?' When our young scamp replies 'Why yes sir!' simply add 'Well tell him not to buy so many next time, it's a terrible waste' and slam the window shut.

Remember to include the words 'Bah Humbug!' In most sentences although avoid using this in sweet shops as you may inadvertantly spend a penny buying boiled sweets.

Reminisce about how succulent Tiny Tim was once he had been basted and roasted.

Avoid using any door knockers shaped like a face and eating bread and cheese before bedtime.

Sack Bob Cratchit on Christmas Eve and reinstate him on a zero hour contract at lower pay providing he works Christmas Day.

Bah Humbug!

 

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Are You Huff Enuff?

I am the Huff but you can call me The Huff. You may know me as the all singing, dancing, beach rescuing, crime fighting, leather jacket filled with lights, singing on top of the Berlin wall type of guy but really, I'm down to earth....

...and so will you be bought down to earth with a bang if you follow my advice and visit the LAST APPEARANCE of 2014 for Peter & Jayne Smith. Feel worried, stressed? Need a little light entertainment? Want to laugh at somebody more unfortunate in life? Then meeting Peter & Jayne this Saturday 6th December is just the ticket! They will be at the Original Art Shop in Derby between 12-3pm (you may catch them before wandering around the pound shops though or if you arrive around 10am they will be sat in the carpark eating out of Tupperware)

All welcome for your last chance to WIN BIG and find a golden hare!

Let the Huff repeat that for you, Meet Peter & Jayne this Saturday 6th December in Derby at the swish Original Art Shop between 12-3pm, all welcome just stroll right in for festive fun, I know I will be there!

Yours Lavishly

The Huff*

*NB The Huff cannot guarantee that the Huff will attend, should the Huff fail to make the event Peter has been instructed to show you his baubles.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Ultimate Wrapper*

Get down and wrap like the kids with our groovy guide to professional wrapping. Schizzle!

1. Find nice attractive paper and place on floor.
2. Roll out paper so it's flat.
3. Re-roll out the paper because you forgot to place something on it to stay rolled out.
4. Re-roll out paper because the roll of sellotape wasn't heavy enough to hold it down.
5. Curse.
6. With all four corners pinned down with things from the kitchen cupboard place present in centre.
7. Forgot to mention, cut the paper to correct estimated size first, now go back to no.1
8. Remove the tin of soup that is holding down one corner and pull it over the present.
9. Mend tear in paper where the weight of other tin of soup caused the paper to rip.
10. Remove second tin you should have removed before.
11. Re-roll out paper that has curled up again and kneel on it.
12. You removed the wrong tin, not the one to your left but the one on the right, that's it, that one.
13. Take the now unpinned edge of the paper and pull over present
14. Repair holes in paper where it has ripped on the corners of the present.
15. Carefully pull out a piece of sellotape whilst holding paper in place.
16. Try that again this time with the scissors in reach and remove bits of tape that accidentally stuck to the paper repairing any holes made along the way.
17. Carefully pull out sellotape whilst holding paper in place, hold tape in mouth while you use the scissor to cut required length.
18. Find your medical box and put something on you freshly cut lip.
19. Try again, only this time, I forgot to add this previously so sorry about that, pre-cut your sellotape and stick it somewhere in strips ready to use.
20. Remove fluff from sellotape, the armchair was not a good idea to stick it to until you needed it.
21. Stick first edge down carefully.
22. Just remembered this too, you should have released the other side of the paper so the two meet across the present. How did I forget that? Back to step 1 I'm afraid, only this time do step 2-13 for the other side too.
23. Get into a blind rage and throw present and sellotape across the room.
24. Retrieve both items and calm down dear, it's only Christmas.
25. Have large drink, I'm not talking about tea either.
26. Try to focus and try steps 1-22 again remembering to do steps 2-13 twice.
27. Not twice, once. You have already done them, doing it twice would mean you release three sides and then you are in trouble.
28. Not easy wrapping is it. Let's start again and forget steps 1-27
29. Get present.
30. Buy a bag bigger than present.
31. Put present in bag and give to recipient.
32. Swear that this is the last time your messing about at Christmas, eat twice your body weight in food during Christmas dinner and get blind drunk before the Queens speech.
33. Sleep in chair.
34. Suddenly wake up and salute as you hear the National Anthem then slump back down and doze.
33. Wake up at 4pm with a distended stomach, reach to your left and polish off that box of chocolates that have been teasing you cheekily all day.
34. 4:03pm feel hungry and wobble your way into the kitchen looking for Christmas fayre.
35. Return back to your seat with a plate piled high with enough food to last a week.
36. Watch James Bond film on TV for 28th time.
37. Denounce Christmas television as rubbish and announce you prefer Boxing Day anyway and you can't see what all the fuss is about.
38. Eat more chocolate, drink more drink.
39. Repeat 38 until 40 is achieved.
40. Wobble around the room and with the breath of a thousand breweries declare your love for everyone, even the cat.
41. Repeat stages 32-40 on Boxing Day and New Years Eve, deleting unnecessary bits accordingly
and putting the emphasis on more drink for New Years.
42. Return to work in January declaring that Christmas was rubbish.
43. January 5th join Gym.
44. July 5th, realise you have been paying for gym membership for six months without ever visiting it.
45. August 15th, Look in shops for the first signs of Christmas.
46. August 20th, you see a large box of Quality Street and get excited.
47. In September swear you will be more organised this year and it will be the best yet.
48. December 24th, rush around like an idiot through throngs of crowds swiping anything within grasp as presents.
49. Go to no.1 and start wrapping.
50. Explain for the rest of the year why you bought an iRon instead of an iPad and console children when they unwrapped a packet of Brussels instead of Moshi Monsters.
51. Repeat everything until you are old and you can sit back and let somebody do all of it.

*only handy for gifts that are perfectly square, using precut paper and wrapped by a professional. Not recommended for any other shape or cats. Guidelines only, no responsibility for individual interpretation or quality of Christmas suggested.

Lidl Donkey

In 1977 I received a book for Christmas, it was called 'The Making of The Goodies Disaster Movie' a surreal bit of work written by the Goodies. Graham Garden, Bill Oddie and Tim Brooke-Taylor who wrote and played the Goodies on television was surreal entertainment at its best and helped shaped my skewed view on the world at a very early age. To give you an idea on just how clever some of their work was here's a fictitious cast list for a version of White Christmas taken from the book...

OPENING SCENE

Emma Dreaming
Arthur White
Chris Muss
Jess Likedy
Juan Swee
Hugh Sterno

Wendy Treetops-Glissen
Ann Chilled-Wren
Liz Anne
"Two Ears" Laybelle
Cindy Snow

SCENE TWO

Emma Dreaming
Arthur White
Chris Musswit
Avery Criss
Miss Carr
Dai Wright

Mayor Dazeby
Mary-Ann Bright
Anna-May Hall-York-Rhys
Mrs B White

Seeing as we are rambling on about alternative words why not try a few of these this Christmas to liven up those carols, you never know you might get a few more bob!

While shepherds watched their soaps by night,
All watching ITV,
The angel of the Lord came down,
And switched to BBC.

Lidl donkey, Lidl donkey,
On the cheap road,
Got to keep on flogging onwards,
With your bargain load.

Good King Wenceslas looked out
For the van of Stephen,
He had ordered pizza out,
Deep pan, crisp and even.
Brightly shone the moon that night
Over Marks and Spencers,
'Stephen you're late' said the king,
then he knocked him senseless.

We three kings of Leicester Square
Selling ladies underwear,
So fantastic, no elastic,
Only tuppence a pair.

O'Star of wonder, star of light,
Santa caught his pants alight,
Hit the Ceiling, started screaming
O'It was the perfect flight.

I thought I would have a go with this takeaway Cliff classic...

The burger is King, the Carollers sing,
The old has passed, the fast food will win.
Dreams of fanta, dreams of wings,
Fingers greasy, faces will grow.

Christmas time, Misery and Whine,
Children eating cheesburger grime,
With royales on the flamer and bacon for thee,
A poor substitute for dinner we see.

A time unforgiving, a time for heaving,
Shove down the quarterpounder and fries for ever after,
Ours for the bellyaching, just follow the McMaster.
A time for lusting, not believing,

Violent night, bowely night

A time for misgiving, a time for sweating,
A standard of living that will be worth forgetting.
Christmas means shove down every last piece,
So open wide and swallow your grease.

It's a start, I wonder what other lyrics I can massacre?

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Satsuma Santa

Thinking of gifts this year? Thinking of saving money and keeping healthy over this fattening period? Then look no further as Satsuma Santa is here to save you.

Save £££'s by avoiding expensive plastic toys by instead looking for marrows and turnips, these make excellent imagination toys for children especially if gifted with a large carving knife to produce intricate carvings and macabre scenes. Imagine the delight on little johnny's face as he opens his first set of three kitchen knives, he almost knows what's coming next when he sees the long fat shape under a tree. 'Could it be! Could it be a marrow!' shouts Johnny, 'Yes it could!' you all shout back as excited as he is! Watch as Johnny plunges the knife in and slashes away at the wrapping, you sit back and smile.

N.B. Carving knives are not suitable for the under 18's, excessive knife/marrow exposure may lead to serial tendencies in later life starting with mummy and daddy.

Replace fattening sweets with assorted peas, brussels and kidney beans dipped in a heart warming bovril dip, place in the fridge to harden then wrap sweet like in brightly coloured paper. The meat and veg texture will delight. For a festive addition sprinkle on cinnamon before consuming.

Take one carrot of about 12-15cm and chop off the greenery at the top, choose a nice 8mm drill bit and carefully drill into the top about 3cm leaving a small hole then wrap it up. Its the gift that keeps on giving, a healthy pen topper that doesn't mind being chewed!

For sentimental gifts use extra wrapping paper and place layers of onion skins in between, the addition tears of the gift receiver will add to the overall emotional effect.

Place baked potatoes wrapped in silver foil under your Christmas tree, if your festive lights fail and the resulting fire burns your house down you will have a comforting snack left in the ashes.

Take one big cabbage and sellotape two large parsnips to it, one either side to simulate legs and place in an oven for two hours for a vegetarian alternative to turkey.

Hollow out several watermelons of varying sizes making sure the bottom remains intact, place hole side down and arrange in a semi-circle. Use celery sticks to hit them for a pleasing drum sound. Hollow turnips make good bass sounds whilst dropping peas on a metal tray creates a cymbal ambience. The whole drum-veg kit can be dissembled in seconds for wrapping, storage or to make a pleasant soup.

I hope this has given us inspiration to have a Satsuma Santa Christmas, more money saving tips later in the month!

Such Fun!

Look closely at the above picture, notice anything odd? Well it's a boring picture of two ovens only you may notice a bit of green inbetween and an inch long piece of greenery in the top glass portion. I have highlighted them to help.

It's actually part of my 'Let's throw random stuff at Mr Smith' day when a quick blast of the microwave on a few asparagus sticks led to one inexplicably rolling down the tray and into a small gap so it became wedged firmly between the outer glass and the inner glass. Opening the door part of the stalk was chopped away hence the debris underneath. It stood mocking me, it was like one of those tricks where a magician throws a card at a window and it appears on the inside only this time I did the trick and I haven't the foggiest how to do it again. Or how to get it out for that matter.

HOW?

No, really, I mean how? I run my fingers underneath but could feel no gap, nor could I see one. A bit of a prod with a satay stick and still I was none the wiser. This is silly I thought to myself, there must be a way to get it in there so on that premise thought I would try and do the same thing again so I could work out what happened.

Well something happened, it got taller as the new bit of asparagus gave it an extra shove through the nonexistent gap so now I had a couple of inches waving back to me and a second piece of asparagus somewhere in cooker limbo.

Roll back two hours and you will find myself and Jayne just entering a small cafe for a coffee, it's a regular haunt and our favourite seats had just become available so in we swept and sat down. 'Two coffees please and a nice farmhouse scone' what a treat!

'Did you see Turner? I didn't know what to make of it, I once had an introduction to art by the council and it was run by somebody awfully well known in the art world that once exhibited locally. I'm sure you know who they are, they paint landscapes.'

'Was it dear old Emma Truffington-Snithe? She once did a watercolour of the old mill, she's classically trained you know but struggles even though she is incredibly well known.'

'No dear, I don't think so, this talented young lady was specially selected to make a ceramic ring piece for lady Snottingsbury Ponce, she showed me her ring piece mouldings, they were quite exquisite. She's well known in the art world you know.'

Err maah gaaad! Out of all the places to stop and have a coffee, out of all the times we could have done this we had ended up next to two elderly ladies that enjoyed nothing else but spout off about art, who they had met and how well known in the art world they were, how to critique art and generally chatting about not respecting anybody or anything that hadn't come out of the RA because as they gleefully put it It's not worth respecting as it's normally created by philistines and amateurs with delusions of grandeur, not to mention they are mostly commoners without education.' I sat listening, it was hard not too such was the volume and it was most saddening to hear such stilted views. Anyway I got up and pulled their chairs from under them sending them crashing to the floor before pouring coffee in their handbags, adding a wee spot of milk and asking 'one sugar or two'

'It's for the RA darlings, I'm doing a performance piece' I added. They thanked me profusely for including them and I gave them my name as Tracey Emin. Balance returned we exited with a practiced arty flourish.

Actually I sat there and shook my head and thought about dinner instead...

So two hours later I was fishing around in a non arty way trying to work out how to get asparagus out of an oven. I opened and closed the door in puzzlement, placing my fingers just about where the asparagus disappeared I slowly closed the door.

'Owwww!! Jayne! Jayne! It bit me!' The door had indeed got a bite, just about three quarters shut a gap appeared under the hinges which was small enough to let things escape but also suddenly snaps shut again. I expected to see a row of finger ends behind the glass as I pulled free my sore paw instead with the gap found I continued to waste my life by working out how to remove the glass or at least create some kind of tool to help fetch it all out, it was either that or watch the asparagus decompose over the next month everytime I warm up a cup of hot chocolate.

See, days can be so instructive, insulting and interesting and I have to still get that dam asparagus out of its glass prison so on that note and in the spirit of today I'm also off to try and lose carrots down the back of the fridge and to trap my head in the pedal bin, such fun!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Wrong, Just Wrong

 Ahh, lovely vintage tree decorations from the supermarket, how sweet! What do we have in this fine selection?

Oh, wow, a little present wrapped in a bow, it's SOOO cute, can help but think it looks a little like something else, don't worry it will come to me.

 A full sack, Santa has been very generous this year although I'm not quite sure what the brown thing is yet...

 Cats at Christmas and he even has a nice flower attached, where's his tail gone? Somethings not quite right but I can't put my finger on it...

Teddies! Yay! Teddy is having a cuddly, at least that's what I think he is doing...

Woooooooeeeeeewoooooo!!!!

You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension - a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. You're moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. You've just crossed over into the Twikelight Zone.

They were just a set of vintage looking decorations until their true meaning of Christmas is revealed to be far from festive in this weeks Twikelight Zone...

 'NO! NO!!!! Don't put me in the box, anything but the box!'

'GET IN, I shall set the meat grinder to fine mince, you won't feel a thing...'

 'Hey! This is your disgusting tail not mine! And why is there glitter on it?'

 'Hey Mabel, guess what? We have been sent gift wrapped poo again like last year.'

 'Hey baby, do you want to play with my presents?'

Sorry if all this has been a bit weird but it all started when I saw this picture of the Kardashians celebrating Thanksgiving so please forgive my mental state.

He's Behind You!

Hi guys and gals, my name is Peter Crimblecock and I am an actor. How do you know I'm an actor? Well, I will tell you I'm an actor at every opportunity. I was voted the critics choice for my role as a tea bag in Ken Barlows front room 'fancy a brew' scene, a role discribed as mouth-wateringly tepid and dippable. Recently I have been filming my latest role as 'man crossing road' in News At Ten a role I expect will be nominated for TV Quicky award as most popular man crossing street in News At Ten.

Aside from the fact that I have a sexy body and I'm an actor I am also very versatile and can suit any mood. Looking for a sultry sexbomb for your latest flick? Then meet Dick Pencil, my sensual alter ego...

Dick by name dick by nature ladies, check out the guns and tats, I'm so smooth I often slip out of my own clothes unexpectedly. Ideally I would love to star in your romantic comedy or chick flick. Previous experience includes chief stroker on Love's Quarter Pounder and plumber in Pipecleaners On The Go. If you are looking for a more masculine acting experience then how about when I become...

Tommy Rambo, the gun toting magician who just wants to get a trick right. I remember one scene from the film Tommy VII where I took on Debbie McGee and the entire Russian army using nothing but a toothpick, a cane that turns into flowers and a soft toy called Colin after finding out diminutive Paul Daniels had stole my trick. Don't make me angry, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry, whooooaahhhh!!!! Ali Bongo! Take that!! Ratatatatatatat!!!! Hey presto! You mothers won't take me alive!!!!

Sorry about that, once I start acting a roll I find it hard to GET DOWN YOU MOTHERS!!!! come out of it.

If you prefer I can become the perfect Prince Charming...

I have more smarm that you could ever stomach so I'm ideal for panto. Critics have often said that when I'm on stage they haven't enjoyed themselves so much in ages, the fact that they stayed at home is a minor point and I'm not going to quibble. Other rolls include ill dog in Downton Abbey (that golden retriever suit was a little uncomfortable) and Bruce Forsyths stunt wig in Strictly. I'm currently appearing as Simon Cowells tight trousers and have just finished playing Paddington Bear in the latest movie where my role was to make Paddington as unlike the real Paddington Bear as much as I could, something I have been very proud of pulling off.

I also do my own stunts, in Hong Kong Chop Suey Fooey I played agent 009 and decimated the Crazy 67 gang using only a toilet chain as a weapon such are my skills. I can also run and slide on my knees after extensive practice at weddings. My extraordinary skills were once bought into play for a scene in Teletubbies where I was required to drop kick Noo Noo from six paces and one inch punch Po in the LaLa's. The ensuing battle through the night garden was so violent that Rosie and Jim sustained massive injuries when Peppa Pig took exception to their narrow boat and attacked it with a squeaky hammer. I finished with a roundhouse kick that took out Dora The Explorer for good.

Peter Crimblecock is available NOW, all roles considered. Book for Christmas and get a packet of wine gums absolutely FREE

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

SNOW - Know The Facts

Snow is actually dandruff. High winds from the Gulf Stream blow through the hair of millions of people lifting the dandruff to new heights before depositing it around the world during winter. The worst case of 'druff' fall occurred in 1965 when England was bought to a standstill with druff drifts of over twenty two feet high, that's bigger than a double decker bus! Hair conditioner was applied to roads and lorries were fitted with combs to help clear the major routes.

The coldest place on earth is surprisingly in the Sahara desert, during night time the temperatures can plummet as much as 300 degrees. It has been known for explorers to be unprepared for these extremes and can be often found as ice statues the next morning even on the hottest days.

Did you know if you feed cows ice cubes they will automatically dispense ice cream from their udders? Make them eat strawberrys too and they will give you raspberry ripple! Amazing!

If you spell 'snow' backwards you get a word that means gullible.

Did you know we have over a hundred ways to describe snow? Bloody snow, f@&£ snow, sh@&!? snow and possibly 97 other variants many unprintable.

Snow when frozen is called snice, ice when frozen is called frice, if snice and frice happens at the same time you get egg frice snice which is number 22 at your local takeaway.

If you sit too long in the snow you will get snow balls.

Snow is the ultimate diet food, each ounce of snow contains no calories and no fat. Several slimming companies endorse the use of snow in your diet and some even thoughtfully include it in your frozen meals making them extra healthy. Be sin free and nibble on an icicle instead of that calorie laden carrot.

The Snowman is a popular cartoon and book based on a snowman that creepily comes alive, steals false teeth and abducts a boy in the dark of the night who after realising his crimes then disappears leaving behind only his clothes.

The Snowdog is another tale about dead dogs to lift the spirit.

Father Christmas on the other hand is about a grumpy fat bloke that likes dressing up.

If you took all the icecream in the world and made one large 99 out of it you would be crushed under the weight of the accompanying flake unless of course you live in 2014 where your flake will look like a small shrivelled dog turd and be no more than 2cm in length.

Strap ice lollies to the soles of your shoes for instant 'ice' skates in any weather.

Strap ice lollies to your knees and elbows to recreate tobogganing by getting on all fours at the top of a hill.

Cannon balls rolled in snow and fired from a cannon make pleasant seasonal artillery gifts for enemy soldiers.

Snow can be used instead of carbon footprint increasing polystyrene to protect expensive electronic gifts this Christmas when wrapping.

Keep everyone festive this December by replacing words with festive equivalents. 'Do I snow you?', 'Yule regret that!', 'What a load of baubles the weather is, I told you it would reindeer.', 'I'm into witchcraft, I worship Santa.'

Be careful when you shake snow globes as they work like snow callers and you are effectively inviting a localised snowstorm to your area.

Christmas is so popular that 34% of people think we should have it every year.

Yellow snow tastes like lemonade, brown snow is chocolate, you are only warned not to eat it because supermarkets want you to carry on buying their own brands.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Stamp Club

The first rule of stamp club is if you lick it you stick it, stamps are cool and if anybody tells you otherwise show them your collection of stamps depicting fruit flies from the Maldives and they will soon eat their words. Stamps open up the world like nothing else, forget that new fangled interweb, stamps allow you to communicate DIRECTLY with people from around the world. It's the future and with postage prices set to rise to £24.64 for a first class letter and deliveries restricted to odd numbered days there has never been a better time to hoard stamps. Let me show YOU how INTERESTING they can be.

I thought this would draw gasps, amazing isn't it? Not only do we have a full set of men holding fish but we also have the Super Shunter collection featuring favourite chuff-chuffs from history. What other hobby allows you to combine fishing and train spotting in one enjoyable collection? Nothing, NOTHING compares to stamp collecting, it's almost too exciting for words and easily beats my other pastime of organising my nasal hair and toe clipping collection.

Certainly collections, can, how can I say? Be a bit frisky and borderline PORNOGRAPHIC in nature. You have been warned! This small collection pictured above is often passed under the table in BROWN PAPER BAGS at special Postal Porn meetings organised by local enthusiasts.

Some collections though are absolutely disgusting and any member found to have the above stamps showing RAMPANT MELONS and SUGGESTIVE CUCUMBERS will be immediately banned for six months. Any member caught LICKING this collection will immediately be banned for life.

Ahem, anyway in today's celebrity led culture what could be more apt than a series of celebrity stamps.

Nikki Minaj makes an ideal Stamplebrity with these two stunning photographs taken from her recent tour, the older generation might however prefer a collection of classic entertainers.

Tommy Cooper is always a favourite, as you can see there is something for EVERYONE!

Some countries specialise in badly drawn animals and have special diamond envelopes to match their peculiar diamond stamps. In fact even hats, windows, doors and every imaginable thing in Mongolia is triangular, even houses!

Stamps can be valuable too, did you know a 1st class stamp purchased in 2011 would have only cost you 46p, these stamps are now changing hands in 2014 at 62p!!! That's a whopping 35% increase in your investment and you don't get that at your bank!

You do however have to be aware of the pitfalls of stamp collecting. Recently I found I had a Penny Black in my collection, black stamps are mistakes, stamps should be colourful and gay. I found this stamp particularly awful and trimmed off its perforations to make it look more attractive but it didn't work. So if you have a Penny Black in your collection just like me throw it away, it's worthless, invest in the new Nikki Minaj ones, I guarantee you will be on to a winner!

Today's blog has been bought to you by Stanley 'Stamp' Gibbons Post Office Share Price Booster Ltd, helping you to help us run a better service by having a silly slot at the post office that resembles out dated sorting machine slots and not your letterbox so we can fart around with letter and parcel prices so you don't know if you are coming or going.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Lady Gaga's Baublemoose's Spam Box

Hi, I'm well known singer Lady Gaga Baublemoose and my box is stuffed, full to the brim, tightly packed and it's getting fuller by the day so I thought I would share a few with you from my extensive and roomy spam box.

As you can see, I'm incredibly rich...

UNITED NATIONS DEVELOPMENT PROGRAMME
UN FOUNDATION SCHEME 2014

This is to notify you that you have been appointed as one of the recipients of a Cash Grant/Donation for your personal and community development. You were selected among the beneficiaries to receive the sum of GBP 6,500,000.00as developmental aid from the UN Foundation. Contact UNDP Secretary-Mrs. Patricia OBrien. You will be required to proceed with the acquisition of the “Release Approval Document” which has been subsidized to US$390.

I have instructed them to take the $390 out of the GBP 6,500,000 and forward me the change but I know what I am going to spend it on as some nice person sent me several links to the winning lottery numbers this week, they absolutely GUARANTEE it and I know it's genuine as they used Brian Blessed speak, i.e. SHOUTY CAPITALS, in fact Brian Blessed is the human version of CAPS-LOCK. Just think of it, the line GORDON'S ALIVE! would have been such a let down if it was simply Gordon's alive. It's like a disappointment isn't it? Gordon's alive? What have we got to do to get rid of that stupid muscled moronic and extremely annoying football player with the crap hair? Send war rocket Ajax to bring back his body.

Where was I, ah...

3 words that make her horney, The trick is 100% rejection proof..... And it's compltely undetectable. Which means you'll never get "caught" using this... And you'll never get shot-down or embaressed.

Well sonny, you have really EMBARRASSED yourself there haven't you?  Spelling not a strong point or were you too busy 'not getting caught' with your three word hornathon? Thank's for the tip Austin Powers I think I will pass on that.

Another e-mail?

Your bedroom is about to become a zoo My husband grew 3 inches and now I brag about him like never before!

Actually I think its a circus or sideshow you are after, any three inch gentleman would surely be better suited on display for the paying public. You could make him live in a dolls house for example, or make a boat out of a margarine tub, the fun could literally be endless.

Monday i was a size 40 - Today I'm a 35, My name is Sarah - we met once before, but I dropped over 20lbs in under one week. 

Wow, well done Sarah, I can't quite recollect you but its fantastic you have managed to reverse the ageing process and returned back to your thirties. Please tell me your secret! I once dropped over 20lbs in one day with a giraffe that was SO big I bet they got it at the sewerage plant before I had finished with it.

Challenge yourself - Be and Adventurer by choosing from our universal library of cool plans for any skill level.

"My kids asked Santa for this gift and were jumping for joy when they opened it under the tree".
- Andrea from Colorado

Every plan is detailed so you never miss a step. The instructions are colorful and easy to follow.

An email selling plans? What type of plans? Evil plans? One to build a frikkin' laser? How do you open a plan under a tree exactly and how do you wrap a plan that is essentially a wrapper in itself? You say it's colourful but HOW colourful? I have so many questions please furnish me with more details regarding your unique unknown plans.

His erection gave me goosebumps, all I did was give him these common items from my house and he got erect for the whole weekend.

How novel, buildings can be so interesting. Could you please send me further details of your excellent builder, he sounds amazing that he can erect anything from household items. Can you ask him what he can do with a toilet brush, several cumquat's and a small Henry Hoover?

Ave, ave my friend
I am proud of everything i achieved but I think that everything
the best in my future including meeting a person I will be happy with
 I want to find a man to share my life with, to have mutual sex interests and help him in everything.
Hope we can connect soon

Ave

Stan Dolly

I don't know what to say, Stan Dolly is a most unusual name and I am intrigued, please send me your details and a photo so we can connect soon. Here's mine...

Ave Mon Amie! Avec a vous a don a diddle I doh! Xxx

Meet A Loon

Depending on how you did in yesterday's loon test you may wish to pop by Castle Galleries in Nottingham this coming Saturday 22nd between 1-4pm to meet two professional buffoons Peter & Jayne Smith who will be on show and without restraints for several hours. Come to stare, point, poke or generally prod but please this time no time travellers, (just because you used two different doors to get in the gallery doesn't make you Dr Who) or indeed balaclava masked criminals.

Also while we are talking about this please no stuffed sharks, harmonica playing or off duty mascots that decide to gatecrash for the attention, it's doesn't look good when we have to manhandle a seven foot parrot in a T-Shirt that says 'Squawk If You Shine' out of the gallery because they were walking around patting people on the head like in 2010.

All welcome (with the above exceptions, oh, and people that cut my head out of brochures to stick on lights switches so they can 'turn me on' and tell me as if it's the most perfectly normal thing in the world to do. Oh my!) at this free event that will feature plenty of Impossimally Impossimals along with the new range of sculpture and several originals to boot.

Today's blog has been bought to you by Shameless Plugs Ltd, See you Saturday where it's nearly your last chance to find golden hares and a chance to win big!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

It's Lunacy!

Scrabble, pill pot, cucumber, are you a closet loon? Or are you an intolerant creation of today's society? And if so how do you wibble know? Take Mr Loons handy quibble rhubarb how loony are you quiz to find out!

How It Works

You score 1 point for every A answer, 2 for a B and any comfortable amount for a C, you can also score yourself for a D even thought there are no D answers.

1) You do not have the right change for a carpark ticket machine, do you...

A) Politely ask another carpark customer if they could change a £5 note.

B) Get really annoyed and drop kick the ticket machine before finding the nearest fire extinguisher and spraying passersby with foam shouting 'How's that for sixpence!'.

C) You remove your left shoe and eat it before pulling a large saveloy from your inside pocket which you proceed to roll across the carpark using just your nose.

2) A bottle top is extremely stiff and refuses to budge, do you...

A) Run the end of the bottle under the warm tap and try again using a towel for grip.

B) Get a large hammer and smash the top off the bottle.

C) You hold the bottle in your arms and sing the bottle loosener song which goes like this whilst dancing around the room...

'Little bottle long and square how tight is your top I do dispair!

Please release your grip on my favourite sip as my unicorn requires regular maintenance from a selection of beverages inspired by the phases of the moon.

Once I drink I start to think of lollypops and sausages floating on a bed of beans, of candy bacon and salty queens, of chocolate eggs and bendy legs covered in a sauce made of clothes pegs.

So little bottle long and square, release and share your wonderful juice as I love my drink as long as it's not puce.'

You then place your hands firmly on the bottle top and do the twist, like you did last summer.

3) Sitting on the bus you miss your bus stop, what do you do?

A) Wait patiently for the next stop and walk.

B) Shout profanities and slap the back of the head of the person in front of you before ripping out the seat and chucking it through the window.

C) Pretend to be Noah and only allow people to leave the bus two by two whilst encouraging a singsong of the popular tune 'Wheels On The Giraffe'

'The wheels on the giraffe go up and down, up and down, up and down.

The doors on the giraffe go la, la, de, bop, poot, la, la, de, bop, poot, la, la, ,de, bop, poot.

The trapdoor on the giraffe goes flumpitydiddlyplop-plop as the donkey drops through it.

The donkey in the giraffe goes moo, moo, moo.

The cow in the donkey in the giraffe goes oink, oink, oink.

All day long'

4) You sit reading a blog entry about being a loon, do you?

A) Think 'this is utter rubbish, how does he find the time to write such crap' and do something more worthwhile of your time.

B) Get extremely angry at the sheer waste of time you spent reading this and make plans to meet the author this weekend at Castle Galleries on Saturday in Nottingham so you can tell them just what you think of them before you stamp on their feet and eat cod bites infront of them.

C) Agree with the bit about unicorn maintenance but add that you will need a cat ratchet to adjust unicorns properly.

How did you do?

Less than 4

Sorry, but you are absolutely bonkers you mad loony loon! It's people like you that are loony, keep it up you will go far! Half naked exploding penguins with Anne Widecome riding a pig naked, oops, this isn't google search is it?

Between 4 and 7.8273654772

Whoa! You are perfectly normal and have all the same anger issues that we generate in today's society, you will go far! Try finding your perfect job like auditioning for X-Factor or appear on Jeremy Kyle, well done!

Greater than 1216216 but less than 17266 divided by 536, is your card the number Queen of Hearts?

Really you need to be a bit different, stop being such a boring sheep, go and do something INTERESTING for a change.

How did you do?

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

NOm's

I have learnt two new words a few days ago, cod bites. Up until now my life has remained unenlightened with this wonderful food stuff capable of turning a mouth into a sordid mixture of fish, spit and teeth and I must say it's changed my life.

Shopping, love it or hate it supermarket shopping at some time in our lives occurs. It's always a never ending battle with its stupid aisles and puzzling offers; Banana's 45p each or two for a pound, you know the type of thing one that prays on our busy lifestyle to empty our pockets. My biggest problem though is at the checkout as I always seem to draw some kind of unwanted attention. If I buy more than one bottle of wine you can bet some smart donkey will quip 'Avin' a party?' To which the correct reply is of course 'Indeed, I hear you are moving away from the area.' Unfortunately I tend not to use that one as a punch in the mouth is often the result so instead I smile thinly and resist the urge to pull out their tonsils through their nose.

It just happened I was in one such queue on Sunday, oh, before I start may I congratulate the gentleman that walked in front of us as we left House Of Fraser in Wolverhampton on the way to our appearance at the weekend, it really was the loudest and fiercest fart I have ever heard and probably the first time I had seen one make somebody 'hurry up' with a brief lift whilst parting my hair and filling my clothes with a odour I can only describe as bad eggs in a jar of pickled herring. Well played, also a thankyou to the gentleman on the phone that decided to call us 'fook@&g @anchors and address his friend on the other end of his phonecall as a c@&! whilst using two fingers to gangsta me.

Where was I? Ah, the checkout. It was a small queue, behind was a family and in front a bloke. I say bloke because he bloked if that made sense. He had bought his entire lunch from the hot buffet bar along with a packet of crisps and a can of fizzy beverage. Now I know life can be extremely busy and rushing about is what most people do but really is there any need for using the conveyor belt as a picnic table? Seriously, all the food stuff was laid out opened on the belt whilst the lady in front was served. A sip of coke, a nibble at the cheese and onion crisps and a bit of the roast chicken leg, he was clearly having a ball. I don't ooze blokeyness so I'm always at a disadvantage in these situations, should I congratulate him on being so manly and allowing grease stains to run along the conveyor belt or should I have congratulated him when he accidentally dropped the packet of crisps on top of my shopping? As he picked out the crisps from my apples my stomach turned as I noticed the ring of grease around his lips and a piece of chicken wedged between his teeth. Hideous. Needless to say he took one look at me and that was it, he sneered, he was superior and I was a non-blokey so he decided to show off his blokeyness to me as certain men do when they meet a non blokey type of person.

Why do I always get them? I already had rampant farting and abuse from Mr Pottymouth on Saturday and now on Sunday I have suddenly become a plaything from a man ape of a bloke that wanted to show how unblokey I was by feeding himself in front of me. Licking his lips he turned back to the conveyor belt and opened the remaining grease packet. Looking me squarely in the eye he pulled out a handful of the contents and mashed them into his mouth with his big fists, just like a giant would in a fairytale to show how horrid they are.

That was it, I was scarred for life, his mouth had turned into a turgid masticating mess of chicken bits, saliva, grease and horrors of all horrors this new foodstuff; cod bites. Chomping and slopping away he bent over to me and opened his mouth really wide and slowly mushed its contents around with his tongue. It was probably the most disgusting unasked for thing I have ever seen. He was obviously proud of it and burst out laughing showering me with fish bits and spittle. I stood shocked, why would anybody do that? I thought back through my life and couldn't remember a single episode where I filled my mouth with fishy meat and showed it off to strangers before blowing small chunks at them. I ended up with a fine spray of fluid over my face and small white pieces of cod decorating my shirt, I was so glad my mouth wasn't open at the time or I would be joining him in his snack. He nearly got a 'right back at you' when my stomach lurched and I was nearly lavishly sick over him but I managed somehow to hold it all in.

He finished all his items by the time he had got to the till and simply paid for all the empty packets and cans then left them and walked off leaving me to clear them up before I could continue shopping.

'You stink, can I smell fish?' Said Jayne when I got home.

'You can, but if you smell my face you can smell chicken too!' I replied jauntily and with that I passed out completely.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Socially Speaking

Before the blog gets back to it's random self tomorrow just a bit of an update on things at Impossimal HQ. Our website is having yet another update with lots of social media addons which we have grouped conveniently for the moment on one page, accessible via the red 'press me' button so over the course of the next few weeks expect things to change a little as we implement all the new stuff and Pinterest compatible art.

It's going to be an exciting 2015; new Impossimals have just been delivered to our publisher and work is well under way on Revelations, the next instalment of the Lost Impossimals which this time are bigger and grander in scale than ever before. Again, a special area on our website will be given to follow the progress throughout next year and a future announcement will tie in the Lost Impossimals with an extremely special event indeed...

So a bit of a damp squib of a blog today but if you feel like poking around one of our new bits so to speak then visit www.petersmithcollective.co.uk and press the read button.

Go on, you know you want to!

Back to the fun tomorrow, in the meantime here's a picture for your amusement.

That. Is a duck.

You Must Be Mad

I didn't really think a week later I would still be building the first Lost Impossimal set but here I am still with loads of work to go into the piece. It's been made entirely out of scraps, wire, cardboard and clay and everything is handmade even down to the March hares guillotine and the little iced buns.

Alice in the world of the Lost Impossimals has unfortunately realised that there is indeed two worlds of Wonderland and as she moves from one to another Alice changes. You can see part of her has altered as she leans across the table into a world of madness and her hair and clothing change. You will get a more dramatic effect as I put in the background and the lights, the entire landscape will be torn in two. Alice on the right will exist in a safe make believe world whilst the left will show a topsy turvy house with flying furniture and tableware. I'm absolutely loving making all the different items, I can wait to start some of the other pieces.

The entire scene when finished will be photographed and form the basis for the painting. For such a large amount of work I really can't see me destroying it like the previous Lost Impossimals scenes so instead it's going to be secured down and covered with a hard coating to preserve it and will more than likely feature at a future exhibition and will probably be offered for sale some time in the future.

A full feature length story is also being written to accompany the project; a story that will come together with twelve others to make a small book of short tales that expands on the opening Bloodline stories and unravels more of the mysteries of the Lost Impossimals.

Just the beginning of the journey, just remember a mind is a wonderful thing to lose.

Oh, nearly forgot! We are at Castle Galleries, Wolverhampton tomorrow Saturday 15th between 1-4pm, if you're passing pop in and say hello, we would love to see you!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals