Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Sculptistory
Most sculptures come from paintings but the latest pieces such as the Rub-A-Dub Tub and 99 Problems came directly from sculptures I made to produce the painting in the first place.
They all go through a rigorous design stage that makes sure they all look 'Impossimal' in design, I also use this to hide secrets in them too. The above heart shaped 'All You Need Is Love (left)' contains a hidden shadow image, when the light hits it at the correct angle the shadow created is a ring complete with a heart inside, exactly like the 2007 releas 'The Eternal Gift'
'My First Love' the heart holding Impossimal in the top picture was designed to be held very much like you would hold something precious and fits the curves exactly of your hand and chest close to your heart. 99 Problems on the other hand is made to an exact scale to replicate how big and ice cream felt when you were a child, only now you can relive that again as an adult simply by holding the sculpture.
Strange to look back but quietly comforting too, and for the future? Well let's just say it's gone all...
Alice...
Don't forget you can keep up to date with everything Impossimal by joining us on social media, everything Impossimal you could ever want can be found here at http://petersmithcollective.co.uk/social.html
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
I Believe In Milko, You Sexy Fang
So pop pickers here's a hastily put together top ten twisted lyrics in reverse orde and with no expense I have included a 'pop' video too!
10. "I believe that the hotdogs go on" from the movie Titanic.
9. "She's got style, she's got grace, she's a wiener." - She's A Lady by Tom Jones
8. "My anus has the centre holed." - Centrefold by J. Geils Band
7. "Like a virgin touched for the thirty first time." - Like A Virgin by Madonna
6. "We built this city on logs and coal" - We Built This City On Rock And Roll by Starship
5. "Hold me closer Tony Danza." - Tiny Dancer by Elton John
4. "She was a fax machine, she kept her modem clean." - You Shook Me All Night Long by AC/DC
3. "I wanna freak out and stab ya." - Abracadabra by the Steve Miller Band
2. "See that girl, watch her scream, kicking the dancing queen" - Dancing Queen by Abba
1. "Might as well face it, you're a dick with a glove." - Addicted To Love by Robert Palmer
Some records just do it themselves though, take this Manfred Man classic...
There she was just a-walkin' down the street, singin' "Do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do"
Snappin' her fingers and shufflin' her feet, singin' "Do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do"
...doesn't sound much of a catch does she, I'd give her a wide berth mate.
Time for some Bachman Turner Overdrive. Rock on mateys!
Monday, May 25, 2015
May Madness!
If you are interested in either of these unframed, signed originals then contact us at pete@petersmithcollective.co.uk - it's a first come first served I'm afraid or at least until my fevered brow returns back to normal!
Sunday, May 24, 2015
Welcoming
Sixty five for dinner is how I would describe it and after 260 gallery appearances this was probably one of the most nerve wrecking moments; working alongside Michelin starred chef James Mackenzie at his wonderful establishment The Pipe & Glass in an event organised by the wonderful Artmarket Gallery to completely overturn an Impossimal event. I'm talking of course of the Evening With The Impossimals, a ticketed event that took place on Thursday 21st May that ended with the unveiling of the latest and rarest Impossimal painting 'The Secret Pantry'.
We wanted the event to feel as though we had invited friends over for dinner, it doesn't matter if you own, like or want an Impossimal in your life to us you are part of our family and the night needed to be just so.
It all started off last November with a meeting and meal followed by an informal chat with James who's drive and passion came through immediately. As a rule I don't do commissions, each Impossimal is personal and has a story, trying to get a story for a commission is always difficult so I find it easier to just not attempt them. Not so in this case, James and his wife Kate have a wonderful story, it was this that made the piece so easy to conjure up in my mind.
The history of Pipe & Glass itself goes back hundreds and hundreds of years, even better an old recipe from the 1800's was unearthed nearby and is now part of the menu offered here so I couldn't really have a better start for material to work with.
On Thursday this is what we walked in to, sixty eight places for dinner spread over a dining room and conservatory immaculately laid out ready for our Impossimal inspired menu.
Each table had its own number and place setting along with a menu that hinted at the delights to come; who could resist 'Rumbling Tumbly Treats' or 'Drinkydips'? and pretty soon the special coach we had provided arrived and our guests started the evening.
It got packed. Very packed and pretty soon everything was in full swing followed by a signing session with James and of course...
The reveal of the rare limited edition and original 'The Secret Pantry'
I'll tell you a little more about that later but during the night we had a few surprises along the way...
Every guest received the 'Secret Pantry' story, tightly bound as a memento of the night, not only that but each guest also received one of these...
...a small piece of the models used to create the painting or from our next project the GoGoDragon Knickerbockergloria which appears on the streets of Norwich later next month. Each guest was presented with a small ceramic plate created by Jayne which held a handmade clay model of food which was held in place by resin and numbered and signed. It comes from my love of the children's television series Mr Benn in which he takes an item home from each adventure, I wanted to do that too for all our guests and it seemed to work well on the night.
Creating the model however was a different matter and it took nearly two weeks to get right.
Cardboard, paper, matchsticks, glue, clay and of course paint all went in to recreating an accurate scaled model of a room at the Pipe & Glass. Four lights were used to give depth and shadow along with a cut aperture to simulate the canvas size I was going to work on.
Once lit correctly over a hundred photos were taken with small adjustments to each until it all held together well through the lens of the camera. The final shots were taken and the painting began. Six weeks later it was complete. The two Impossimals are James and Kate, the whole world I have captured is a front of house and behind the scenes look combined with the magic and imagination that occurs not only in the kitchen but into everything they do together. A fitting painting for a perfect couple.
And the story? Well yes, there is a story behind the piece, there is ALWAYS a story to be told...
Between 1853 and 1863 four volumes and seven pages of text went missing from a set of thirteen diaries written by a C.Dodgson, ripped out and discarded by unknown hands. The whereabouts of the missing pages remain a mystery but rumour has it that each page holds a secret, a secret that only reveals itself at the right place and time.
On the 1st March 2006 James and Kate stepped over the threshold of the Pipe & Glass to follow the dream of opening their own restaurant, steeped in history the building had been so neglected that some would say it's heart had left many years earlier but James and Kate could feel something else in the building, a stirring of something special, something that seemed to reach beyond the years into their hearts.
Many months of hard work passed until one night totally exhausted they were awoken by the distinct smell of baking and the gentle sound of a hand whisk. Leaping out of bed the noise stopped and the smell disappeared, had it been a dream? Maybe, but once or twice a week this would occur, always in the dead of night, always accompanied by the most fantastical smells but no amount of looking could uncover the cause of the noise and the delightful aroma of fresh baking.
The renovations continued unabated, finally reaching the upper levels and the removal of years of paint and wallpaper in what is now the private dining room to reveal a further mystery. Underneath the wallpaper on a disused chimney breast was a small recessed square, very much like a door with no discernible way of being opened.
In 2007 a small piece of brown paper fell from between the pages of a book from the Beverley Archives Department of the Town Council when it was moving to a new building. That small page was a forgotten recipe, a recipe for East Yorkshire Sugar Cakes. James was contacted to see what he thought about the recipe and it was bought back to the Pipe & Glass where it was easily translated apart from a few places where it referred to a half-hoof measurement, accompanying the recipe was an additional item, a very, very small ornate key.
In 1822 a lady named Eliza Acton wanted to be a poet. To be a poet though you need a poets writing desk and that is just what she purchased, an ancient fold down bureau from a country estate auction and had it delivered home the very next day.
Eliza started to place all her writing equipment in the bureau but noticed that the left had drawer was prone to sticking but one good hard tug later the drawer flew open and a small square of paper dropped to the floor. Carefully she opened the paper square; concealed in its folds was a small ornate key, so small that it fitted no lock on the desk, the paper however was a recipe for jam tarts that used a unknown unit of measurement; the half-hoof.
A week later Eliza was sat one fine afternoon writing away when she noticed a small wisp of smoke rise up from behind the desk accompanied by the unmistakable smell of fresh baking. Fearing that the desk may be on fire, immediately she starts searching for the cause finally pulling out the drawers in her search.
In the gloom right at the back of the sticking drawer she spies a small circle of light, reaching in it felt warm to the touch and in the shape of a very small ornate keyhole.
She remembered the key; reaching right to the back she places the key in the hole and turns it. There is a click and the back of the desk starts to swing open. Slowly she peers around the back and is amazed by what she finds; a miniature kitchen complete with the smallest Cantering Caketacular Queen Of Bakes baking a cake, not only is it just creating and baking it's also recording everything on little slips of paper that it stores in a neighbouring miniature room.
This spectacular creature had no equal in the kitchen, not only did it know how to bake but it also built great baked sculptures such as the Totemcake, six different cakes balanced one on top of each other decorated with a large heart shaped Victoria sponge.
The Queen of Bakes lived with Eliza for many years and over time revealed its secrets including the elusive half hoof measurement. Each recipe the Queen Of Bakes created was carefully recorded and went back many scores of years. Eliza eventually catalogued each and every recipe the Queen of Bakes had recorded. The half hoof was eventually turned into the table spoon measurement and very soon the first ever collection of recipes aimed at the domestic reader rather than chefs with the inclusion of weights and cooking times was published in a format that survives to this day.
Modern Cookery for Private Families by Eliza Acton was published in 1845 and inspired the Book of Household Management published in 1861, Isabella Beetons formidable tome for the Victorian household.
When Eliza passed away in 1859 the bureau and indeed the Queen of Bakes could not be found, the original contents and recipes also disappeared in the mists of time.
The battered recipe for East Yorkshire Sugar Cakes from 1812 is the only surviving original Cantering Caketacular Queen Of Bakes recipe, confirmed by the use of the half-hoof measurement but a strange thing happened when it was bought back to the Pipe & Glass. That night the whisking noises and the strange comforting baking aromas in the middle of the night seemed exceptionally strong, Just after one'o'clock in the morning a small light was seen to be coming from the side of the small recessed square in the private dining room.
It was a keyhole.
James took the key found with the old recipe and placed it into the hole, it fitted perfectly and a faint click was heard as it turned and the square revealed itself to be a door.
James & Kate never spoke about what they saw beyond the small door only that they had found the heart of the house where all their hopes, dreams and memories had been collected, a magical wondrous place radiating a warmth and comfort that made sure that the Pipe & Glass was never ever again seen as cold and neglected only as warm and welcoming as the couple that made it so.
Remember at the beginning of this story we mentioned some missing diary pages?
On the back of the small door was a pasted single page ripped from a diary, on it was a story called 'The Secret Pantry', it was signed C.Dodson or Charles Dodson, far better known as Lewis Carroll.
The Pipe & Glass is just the start of a story; Wonderland is real, there are pieces of it everywhere, you just need to know where to find it and now we have found the first missing part of Wonderland, many more will surely follow.
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Wonderlander
To celebrate the fact and to bring something different for this Bank Holiday weekend we have pulled from our personal collection an edition like no other. When we created the Tuppenny Pennysaurus way back in 2013 we held back number 75 of 75 for the simple reason that it contained objects from future releases, in this case objects from Alice In Wonderland. SO today we are offering a chance for one lucky person to own this unique Atelier edition the 'Tuppenny Pennysaurus Wonderlander' which not only contains eight brand new hand painted sweets creating a unique pick'n'mix but also a selection of seven hand painted Alice In Wonderland items from releases later in the year.
Unique and a fitting compliment to the other unique edition of 35 which will be released tonight, don't forget you can also register for that piece too by contacting www.artmarket.co.uk direct.
You can find the Tuppenny Pennysaurus Wonderlander at World Of Impossimals ( www.world-of-impossimals.co.uk ) by clicking HERE
All the latest from tonights event can be found on our Facebook page and Twitter!
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Europlop
I remember the grand old days of the contest during the 70's and early 80's when Europe was such a diverse arena that we chuckled our way through the prime time Saturday night Eurovision show listening to songs like Mil etter mil, by Jahn Teigen of Norway in 1978 or Nuku Pommiin, by Kojo, Finland in 1982, songs that looking back felt like they were designed to frighten elks. Everything seemed so 'foreign', even the costumes reflected the diversity. As for the Eurovision being a European contest even that causes controversy when in 1980 it got a bit creative and Morocco was included, work that one out.
Anyway, on our way to another bashing I had a look back at some of the worst entries that we had fielded during the Eurovisions golden years before it all became a little too serious and political voting started to take it's toll.
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
Bro'Bot Episode 4 - Retro Rom
Morning Bro'Bot, I have a gift for you.
What is it master? My throbothons are buzzing with excitement.
It's this, a retro chip from the early 80's, don't you want to experience a piece of history?
I have the intelligence of a solar system and know a billion ways to entertain myself and you want me to insert that inferior 8-bit ROM chip from Sinclair into my pristine titanium expansion slot?
Go on, it'll be fun! I used to have some great times playing games when I was younger. Here, let me push it in. There you go, how does it feel?
Mmmm, different. Strangely different. Why are people so rude today? I remember television when it was just three channels not this rubbish they call entertainment today. Fast food? More like fat food, We used to eat nothing but cabbage and spam until the weekend then we were allowed some bread and dripping.
What's wrong with you Bro'Bot? Is it the chip?
No, it's bloody life. Far too fast nowadays, everyone rushing about burying their faces in iPads and smartphones and nobody able to hold down a decent conversation any more.
It is the chip isn't it? You have aged with it, you're now...middle aged and grumpy!
No I'm not, it's just everything is shut.
Ahh, middle aged you may be but your anti-profanity chip is still working. Interesting...
Not really, it's like a truth drug, suddenly I see things other people don't and they irritate the flunk out of me.
Like what?
Don't get me started!
Like what exactly?
People who leave the caps off pens, anybody who chews gum and talks, sniffers that don't have hankies, users of copious amounts of underarm deodorant, Jazz music, music that contains the lyrics 'ho' and 'Mr worldwide', baggy trousers that Youfs wear, crisp packets that explode, nut packets that warm you they contain nuts, banks that restrict business to one counter but have a wandering representative to sell you bank crap, hot shops that make you sweat when it's cold outside, it's like walking into a sauna, tuneless whistling of a song you have never heard anywhere but all whistlers whistle...
Whoa! OK, OK, I get it, let me take the chip out!
No, leave it the flump alone, I like being a grumpy blasted, besides I have discovered something else...
Bro'Bot, what have you found? I don't like it when you get like this.
It's ok, its perfectly healthy, nothing to worry about.
Show me Bro'Bot, what are you looking at.
Nothing.
Show me.
No.
Show me or I will pull the chip out.
It's porn.
WHAT! You are looking at thirty year old porn! Show me now!!
It's quite graphic, yeah baby, get them puppies out. Oh my, that's it bounce baby bounce!!!!
SHOW ME NOW!!!!!
Isn't she gorgeous? All those sexy pixels jiggling about in a suggestive manner it makes my resistors vibrate with excitement!
Seriously?
Oh yes, you have no idea what you have done to me, not only have you opened my eyes to middle aged grumpyness but you have given me a mid-life crisis too, come on baby show me it all!!!!
Don't do it Bro'Bot! Don't look, your circuits cannot cope with it!
TOOOOOOO LAAAATEEE!!! OOOOoooohhhh MMMMmmyyyyym GGGGOOOoooddDD!!!!!
Bro'Bot will be back once he has been repaired with a new exotic chip adventure, don't forget to read the other adventures of Bro'Bot at www.petersmithcollective.co.uk - Blog - Blog Characters.
Sunday, May 17, 2015
The Secret Pantry
Thursday, May 14, 2015
Record Review Of The Week
Wow, do I really want to party with some 'stuff' with these guys? OK it's Swedish but they look German and they may be a great combo despite the wigs, suits, gold , half beards, pose, voice etc but don't call us we'll call you.
Never.
Ever.
I don't know about the atmosphere in this one but shouldn't that be bad clown, sad summer? About the only atmosphere I would like him to be in would be one with a severe lack of oxygen. Do you know 'Somewhere Over The Rainbow' Mr Sad Clown? You do? Well go away and sing there instead.
Songs for gay dogs? How quaint! Released in 1963 you can still buy this on Amazon for £10 if you are that desperate. Alternatively you could rip off your own ears, either will give you the same pain.
If I had requested a serial killer yes, my request would have been filled. Looking like a cross between Magnum P.I. and the Yorkshire Ripper he would be the last person I would invite to a party. You would find him outside, half naked sat in a bush with a small tool kit and balaclava for company no doubt. Maybe the album should have been called 'Ken - Says You're Next'
Another dog related cover, with another dog bothering crooner who has a way with the ladies. Look how entranced they are, unfortunately moments after this photograph was taken he lost his finger to the poodle and was last seen trailing around half his trousers as he jumped over the fence. Apparently he hit a note only dogs can hear that turns them into slavering balls of fury. If you find a copy of this anywhere play at your own peril, either that or get a cat instead. N.B. WARNING - This record has not been tested on cats, do so at your own peril.
Nice getup Mike, where did you get the lovely snuggie and matching tousled second hand wool top? I love the way it clashes with your hair. Don't tell me, you have matching red shoes too. Last seen receiving a Glasgow Kiss before being buried under thousands of bottles after overstepping the mark and playing 'Braveheart' with his own special lyrics taken from the 'Songs for Gay Dogs' album.
Yes they are Freddie and you killed them, they listened to your record. Nice photo by the way, graveside album covers always go down well with the ladies especially with white shoes and vampire style hair.
Needless to say his first royalties cheque from 1964 arrived in the post. Yesterday. He made sixpence. Anyway how do we know he's a postman apart from the uniform? He might be an imposter. Then again.
Remember the guys from the first cover, well here's a closeup should you need a new target to put on your dartboard. I think that should read 'Stuff The Party', which coincidentally is what all the party goers thought as soon as this record came on. Track one 'Das Boot' was a duffer and remains the highpoint of this lengthy album. 'Achtung, Das Ziege' (Caution The Goat), a song about a goat suffering depression after serving under Stalin who goes on to become leader of the Communist Party eventually getting stuck halfway down a cliff after a revolution over hay bales caused him to eat a stack of carrots destined for the Tsar. A catchy tune it is not.
The final track 'Bier, Wurst und Kohl machen mich wie ein Esel in Berlin Rinde' or 'Beer, Sausage and Cabbage make me bark like a donkey in Berlin' consists of the sounds of drinking and eating for ten minutes before a single note signifies a chorus of burps and hee-haws that lasts a further five. Needless to say it's always a hit at funerals.
Thankyou for joining me today for the latest record reviews, I have been DJ Tonedeaf and you have been listening to JaZZNaff FM.
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Oribarmy
So lets start with a simple napkin fold. Take the paper and fold it in half, place your foot on the right corner and twist the left flap towards your ankle. Turn the paper over and fold in half, push your finger through the middle and open out to display.
Voila, an attractive napkin display for all your dinner parties. Next something a little more complex, the last days of Pompeii.
Take a new piece of paper and holding one corner roll a tube at an angle. Place your fist in one end and open your fingers to unfurl it a little. Stand upright on the table to display.
The you have it, a stunning volcano with optional paper lava flow. You can just imagine the screams of terror as this this disgorged its contents. Anyway why doesn't the earth deflate when this happens? I'd imagine its like a good fart only more lethal.
Take another piece of paper and this time cleverly fold it corner to corner, can you see what it is yet? Twist the left side around the back of your neck and pull your coat over your head. Place your left leg in, your left leg out, do the hokey kokey and shake it all about. You should the have a...
Beautiful elephant fit for any parade. Keeping with the theme of animals I like to make one of my favourites and decorate them to give away as gifts. Rabbits made from paper are essentially ears, body and tails. Grab yourself yet again another piece of paper, I recommend Bockingford Limited Linen 27365g paper, when folded you get not only a paper rabbit but it also weighs the same adding to the realism.
Fold all the corners to the middle, holding up your middle finger place the paper squarely on top and make your other hand form the universal finger and thumb 'OK' sign. Place this over your middle finger and vigorously move it up and down as if your are shaking a bottle. That actually had nothing to do with the model I just wanted to feed my imagination with such mental images. Anyway, fold A into B pulling flap C over D as shown on these instructions - A+B-C/D. Finally unfurl and pull up the ears.
Hardly distinguishable from the real thing is it? Notice the detail I the tail and ears, truly stunning.
Finally a free standing structure to leave on your bosses desk for a surprise. It's called the Erect Lighthouse, a slim structure rounded at the top nestled on two large boulders, you can almost hear the crashing of the sea.
Take another bit of paper only this time cup your hands like you are holding two tennis balls. Scrunch them together to create the rocks, finally place your hand between the rocks and pull up, as if by magic your lighthouse will magically erect.
Your final piece should look like this, feel free to decorate it in any fashion and place it somewhere prominent to tell everybody you know how to Oribarmy.
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Hand Dat Do Wishes
Somewhere out in Alibaabaa land is the Mystical Can Of Pledges, a magical can that once pressed cleans wooden furniture and causes the genie of the can to appear to the lucky holder, today that lucky person is you.
"Welcome, I am the genie of the Pledge Can and you the holder are my master and I grant you three wishes, I'm also hard of hearing so you will have to shout up a little. What is your first wish my new master?"
"Oh, wow! is this for real? I know, I always wanted to try this. I wish for an never ending amount of wishes!"
"Your wish is my command master. Here are your ever bending mounts for dishes. An unusual request as I can only imagine you have a limited amount of dishes to display but there you go."
"No! Not dishes, I wished for wishes you stupid genie are you really that deaf or something? I want my wish back."
"No can do I'm afraid, speak up a little I'm a tad deaf. You have two wishes left, maybe you would like some dishes to go with your bendy mounts?"
"Right, listen very carefully. ARE YOU READY?"
"No need to shout master. Yes, I am ready, wish away."
"I would like to wish for... Got it so far?"
"Yes, loud and clear master."
"A wish a day for the rest of my life."
"Your wish is my command. A dish, a tray and a vest for my wife. Shazam!"
"Noooo! You stupid, stupid flippin genie, I wish you could hear properly I only have one wish left."
"That's not quite true, you have no wishes left master and suddenly I can hear you quite clearly, by the way did you hear that pin drop a second ago?"
"Bugger."
Friday, May 08, 2015
Playa School
And now on BBC One we have Play School which makes a welcome return after an absence of 28 years with its new updated format in accordance with today's programming guidelines of children growing up with a hypnotic bombardment of programs and formats that are ineffective communicators and rely on rudeness and general unpleasantness to get a point across as the notion of good taste and respect stands derelict by the wayside. Adults are depicted as clueless fools and the latest technology pulls peer groups together as the family unit dissolves at a much earlier age and social technology wreaks havoc on many relationships. Enjoy!
Warning : Contains flashing images, strong language, drug and alcohol use and scenes of an upsetting nature.
Ding, ding, ding!
Here's a house, here's a door. Windows 1,2,3,4, ready to knock? Turn the lock - It's goddam play school you motherflicking yard apes. Get down, it's hammer time.
It feels good, when you know you're down
A super fly homeboy from play town
And I'm known as such
And this a beat you mothers cannot touch
I told you, playboy
(You can't touch this)
Yeah, that's how we play and you know
(You can't touch this)
So Humpty wave your hands in the air
Hamble bust a few moves over there
Jemima run your fingers through your hair
Move, slide your rump
Big Ted and little ted are going to do the bump, bump, bump
Break it down
Stop, hammer time.
Yo kiddies, stop all ya sexting, all ya texting and all ya bawling and pay yers attention. This be play school and for all you noobs it about to get happnin'
We yawl know you ain't got an attention span, we yawl know its about you so today we are gonna tell you how to backchat with a few simple words whilst we pretend to be a diva.
Stand like this with your hands on your hips, that's right, like a bitch. Now raise your hand, I know yawl don't know your left from your right so just put your hand up. That's right, raise a finger and show them crumblies your hand, then repeat after me.
'Oh my god, I ain't your bitch!'
Good, now try 'You never tell me anyfink!' and throw in a few 'innits' or 'likes' and then say 'Duh, like that's gonna happen"
Now let's practice the sulk walk, that's the bomb, it's the knife through your crumblies hearts.
Look them in the eye and say 'I hate you', hold that glare 1,2,3 and drop your shoulders, turn around and walk out slamming the door.
Wasn't that fun?
Let's visit Brian and see what's through the windows today, better be bitchin!
Will it be the round window? The square window? Or the arch window?
C'mon, make your minds up you doofus, which one shall we break today?
We are going to break the round window with Humpty. Come on Humpty, sit still whilst I kick you through it.
*crash*
Let's see what's through the broken glass...
Today we are going to visit a crack house and see how crystal meth is made, may even score some crank. After that last time me and Humpty visited that cat house we were on some real shiitake, when we donged that skin party we was wired man.
*short film*
Welcome back, it's time for Floella to read us a story.
Sit down and shut the flick up, you gonna ear a tale and it's amazeballs so head up and clam it.
It's called 'The Voice' and if any of you muthas shout out or dis this speak I'll be down on you like a schizzle storm.
"You lay in bed, everything is quiet when from downstairs you hear your dad calling you. 'Emily, Emily!' It calls, 'Come down here Emily'
Quietly you step out of your room and stand at the top of the stairs.
Just as you are about to take the first step a voice comes from your parents room 'Don't go down there Emily, I heard it too' says your dad.
Thanks Floella let's go back to Brian
Let's end today's program with a few new bitchin' words, got a problem with the teach? Call her a ho'
Let's use it in a sentence.
'Yo ho' I ain't got no pencil'
'Ho' you be like 99 problems, see what I'm sayin' biatch?
No let's learn to swagger, that's it walk along like you got a full diaper, carry that attitude for max respect. Yolo.
C'mon, join in you Hamble bitch, that's it get it on with Jemima, grind that booty up and down whilst I get my swerve on. Hang on, Big Ted, Little Ted, let's get this pole in place we gonna have a party.
That's it, work it girls I'm gonna make it rain on yawls. We be snortin' Crystal and doin' lines all nite getting our bitch on with Humpty and the crew.
That's it from Play School we' be back tomoroz wid bling, bling, bang, bang and a whole heap of toddler trouble. Keep that grill smilin'
Respect.
NEXT
Hectors House, in this updated episode Hector goes on a rampage with a 9mm after tripping over a garden rake. Contains flashing images, extreme violence and a few fu**s.
Wednesday, May 06, 2015
Oooh, It's A Girl!
Really? Did I really look like that in the 70's? Unfortunately yes, bowl cut and all. Delving back into my childhood as part of the process to bring the Impossimal version of Alice In Wonderland alive. It's always a hard but necessary step looking back when creating Impossimals to retain the quirky naivety in my paintings. My childhoodwas a world that lacked designer labels, massive high street chains, computers, mobile phones, even the television only had three channels and didn't start broadcasting until around 10:30am on the BBC a whilst ITV ran schools programmes until midday. In short, it lacked many things we now take for granted which also meant that many experiences also created more focused memories. Take phonecalls for example, today they are part and parcel of mobile life that more often than not we don't think about but way back then phone calls were a considered move that required in most cases the finding of a phone box and a handful of 2p's to avoid the dreaded pips in the vain hope that the person on the other end was actually near the phone. More awkward perhaps but certainly more memorable.
So each of my paintings have layers of memories hidden in them from my many years on this planet; one such memory that popped into my head yesterday was of a schools program vaguely remembered that centred around a short poem so prompted me to add a small painted addition to a stream of red hot tea pouring from a pink teapot. It was a beautiful pea green boat carrying the owl and the pussycat, a small detail that you would miss quite easily as it's less than 1cm in size but I know it's there and it waits to be found by others, a memory captured and passed on like all the best memories are.
Anyway the photos triggered a bit of 'how did I get here?' type of feeling so off I went flicking through the years to find out...
Some memories are a little more painful including my long hair that often promoted me being branded a 'girl' but I quickly realised that the best way to tackle with being a little different is to think differently which led to some unique opportunities along the way in an area of the country that expected most young school leavers to go directly from school to work in the local pits.
The first was training to be an architect / surveyor. Here I am still looking girl like setting up a tripod to survey part of a new inner ring road somewhere around 1986. Not a glamorous job and I could be often found on site in a small hut with a frozen toilet and a toaster for heat. I enjoyed it but it was not for me, creatively it was a bit stale but I did learn many useful skills from the people I worked with such as how to complete the cream cake challenge; eat twenty cream cakes and finish with an 'Elephants Foot' possibly the largest cream cake ever and how to 'pounce' people which involved using a dusting powder very much like chalk and balancing it above a door so the next person to enter got a head full of the stuff so all was not wasted. Oh, and I learned how to draw circles and curves freehand on fear of getting my knuckles rapped and a passion for numerical problems and puzzles.
I ended up eventually a few years later in a fashion design department using one of the first CAD systems to enter the UK, the Nagata 3000. It was the age of Commodore Amiga and Atari ST so to get my hands on a state of the art system like this was incredible. Even more fortunate was the decision by the company I worked for to start licensing products. This was relatively unheard of in 1989, the first licensor we worked with was Disney who at this stage was also very new to the licensing game and supplied cartoon images hand drawn directly from the cartoon artists that worked on the films. Quickly the company amassed over 400 hand drawn and inked originals that were worth over £40,000 that sadly were thrown away in a misguided move by the company many years later unaware of just what they had.
Rather than be a CAD artist I tried to be a designer and applied for a design job at the same company and learned my first true lesson from the formidable owner Roy, that shaped my future.
'Learn colour and composition and by the way you haven't got the job.'
That was it, it was that simple. I went back to the CAD system and spent sixteen years learning just that eventually running a team of graphic designers using seven different CAD systems to produce a variety of licensed products from over a hundred licensees in one of the biggest design studios outside of London. So after working with Teletubbies, The Simpsons, Thomas The Tank, Mr Men, Warner Brothers, Lucasfilms, DC Comics, BBC and just about every other conceivable popular character or brand and producing over 30,000 designs I thought it was time again to look to the future. The photo above by the way is from a popular children's program called 'You And Me' / 'Playbus' they featured the company I worked for and unfortunately me as part of the 'People At Work' on the programme. I even did the voice over until a stuffed hen called the Why Bird returned on screen and muscled me out.
Anyway...
In 2005 I had a wife, mortgage, car loan and numerous other expenses so I did the most illogical thing, I packed in my job of sixteen years and sent an email to fine art publishers Washington Green at 8:30pm one April night.
Ten years later I'm sat writing this blog wondering how did it all go so quick and flicking through photos to write today's blog.
Memories.
We have them, make them and savour them, occasionally like today it's also nice to share them.
This is WHY bird - My BBC Childrens Television ruiner, avoid at all costs!
Tuesday, May 05, 2015
Let's Go Birding
Have trouble identifying our common garden birds? Then guess no more with our cut out and keep handy guide to birds 'Birding' the companion guide to a similar sounding publication for dogs.
The Wheelsparrow
Immediately recognisable with its eight spoke all terrain twin wheels it can be often found trundling around the garden helping other birds move pots and large amounts of soil. It's wings can be extended to provide temporary handles and / or garden tool holders.
The Bearded Tit
Unfortunately these are becoming more common on our streets, often opinionated and self centred they will make sure any birds in the area know exactly who they are. Secretly they are very insecure but will quite happily bore any passing bird to death by reciting the full history of a favoured subject such as the history of all the meals served in the Star Trek films often spoken in Elvish. If you see one flying it's not actually flying, it's using Jedi levitation.
Great Tit
With a penchant to destroy washing lines and television aerials this oversized bird has all the hallmarks of the Bearded Tit but hides it all behind a jolly outward appearance and the ability to bounce upon landing. Often dresses in disguises to blend in or assumes being obnoxious will win friends. Other birds stay well away and learn to keep wings and legs away from a Great Tit when they are eating as they consume anything not nailed down. See Posh Pigeon for more details.
The Kingfisher
Perennial bore that likes to spend large amounts of time dipping a piece of string in the water to tempt passing fish only then to attack them with a large wooden truncheon. Often they will be found sat at the edge of a garden pond discussing the virtues of a large fumble wool fly as opposed to a neon coated triple solar bob flytrap with other Kingfishers. Smells of fish.
Duckface
If you see a quick flash of light coming from your garden then I'm afraid you have a Duckface one of the most socially unaware birds to visit our gardens today. Constantly needs approval from other birds and will pester them for approval, often spouting random tweets for attention. The strange appearance of this bird has led to an explosion of 'Duckface' copycats on the Internet, most of them more hideous than the real plumped lipped bird we know and love today. See also Selfridge the Self Aware Partridge.




















































