Record Review Of The Week

 Morning pop pickers, here's our latest countdown of those MUST HAVE albums released this week!

 Wow, do I really want to party with some 'stuff' with these guys? OK it's Swedish but they look German and they may be a great combo despite the wigs, suits, gold , half beards, pose, voice etc but don't call us we'll call you.

Never.

Ever.

 I don't know about the atmosphere in this one but shouldn't that be bad clown, sad summer? About the only atmosphere I would like him to be in would be one with a severe lack of oxygen. Do you know 'Somewhere Over The Rainbow' Mr Sad Clown? You do? Well go away and sing there instead.

Songs for gay dogs? How quaint! Released in 1963 you can still buy this on Amazon for £10 if you are that desperate. Alternatively you could rip off your own ears, either will give you the same pain.

If I had requested a serial killer yes, my request would have been filled. Looking like a cross between Magnum P.I. and the Yorkshire Ripper he would be the last person I would invite to a party. You would find him outside, half naked sat in a bush with a small tool kit and balaclava for company no doubt. Maybe the album should have been called 'Ken - Says You're Next'

Another dog related cover, with another dog bothering crooner who has a way with the ladies. Look how entranced they are, unfortunately moments after this photograph was taken he lost his finger to the poodle and was last seen trailing around half his trousers as he jumped over the fence. Apparently he hit a note only dogs can hear that turns them into slavering balls of fury. If you find a copy of this anywhere play at your own peril, either that or get a cat instead. N.B. WARNING - This record has not been tested on cats, do so at your own peril.

Nice getup Mike, where did you get the lovely snuggie and matching tousled second hand wool top? I love the way it clashes with your hair. Don't tell me, you have matching red shoes too. Last seen receiving a Glasgow Kiss before being buried under thousands of bottles after overstepping the mark and playing 'Braveheart' with his own special lyrics taken from the 'Songs for Gay Dogs' album.

 Yes they are Freddie and you killed them, they listened to your record. Nice photo by the way, graveside album covers always go down well with the ladies especially with white shoes and vampire style hair.

Needless to say his first royalties cheque from 1964 arrived in the post. Yesterday. He made sixpence. Anyway how do we know he's a postman apart from the uniform? He might be an imposter. Then again.

Remember the guys from the first cover, well here's a closeup should you need a new target to put on your dartboard. I think that should read 'Stuff The Party', which coincidentally is what all the party goers thought as soon as this record came on. Track one 'Das Boot' was a duffer and remains the highpoint of this lengthy album. 'Achtung, Das Ziege' (Caution The Goat), a song about a goat suffering depression after serving under Stalin who goes on to become leader of the Communist Party eventually getting stuck halfway down a cliff after a revolution over hay bales caused him to eat a stack of carrots destined for the Tsar. A catchy tune it is not.

The final track 'Bier, Wurst und Kohl machen mich wie ein Esel in Berlin Rinde' or 'Beer, Sausage and Cabbage make me bark like a donkey in Berlin' consists of the sounds of drinking and eating for ten minutes before a single note signifies a chorus of burps and hee-haws that lasts a further five. Needless to say it's always a hit at funerals.

Thankyou for joining me today for the latest record reviews, I have been DJ Tonedeaf and you have been listening to JaZZNaff FM.

Oribarmy

Many people are turning to the ancient art of paper folding to replace disappointing television as entertainment. It's quite easy to do and to get you on your way here's a few easy projects to make some stunning paper sculptures. All you need a a piece of paper similar to the above. Please don't choose paper size larger than six foot, it requires two people to fold and a steamroller for the creases.

So lets start with a simple napkin fold. Take the paper and fold it in half, place your foot on the right corner and twist the left flap towards your ankle. Turn the paper over and fold in half, push your finger through the middle and open out to display.

Voila, an attractive napkin display for all your dinner parties. Next something a little more complex, the last days of Pompeii.

Take a new piece of paper and holding one corner roll a tube at an angle. Place your fist in one end and open your fingers to unfurl it a little. Stand upright on the table to display.

The you have it, a stunning volcano with optional paper lava flow. You can just imagine the screams of terror as this this disgorged its contents. Anyway why doesn't the earth deflate when this happens? I'd imagine its like a good fart only more lethal.

Take another piece of paper and this time cleverly fold it corner to corner, can you see what it is yet? Twist the left side around the back of your neck and pull your coat over your head. Place your left leg in, your left leg out, do the hokey kokey and shake it all about. You should the have a...

Beautiful elephant fit for any parade. Keeping with the theme of animals I like to make one of my favourites and decorate them to give away as gifts. Rabbits made from paper are essentially ears, body and tails. Grab yourself yet again another piece of paper, I recommend Bockingford Limited Linen 27365g paper, when folded you get not only a paper rabbit but it also weighs the same adding to the realism.

Fold all the corners to the middle, holding up your middle finger place the paper squarely on top and make your other hand form the universal finger and thumb 'OK' sign. Place this over your middle finger and vigorously move it up and down as if your are shaking a bottle. That actually had nothing to do with the model I just wanted to feed my imagination with such mental images. Anyway, fold A into B pulling flap C over D as shown on these instructions - A+B-C/D. Finally unfurl and pull up the ears.

Hardly distinguishable from the real thing is it? Notice the detail I the tail and ears, truly stunning.

Finally a free standing structure to leave on your bosses desk for a surprise. It's called the Erect Lighthouse, a slim structure rounded at the top nestled on two large boulders, you can almost hear the crashing of the sea.

Take another bit of paper only this time cup your hands like you are holding two tennis balls. Scrunch them together to create the rocks, finally place your hand between the rocks and pull up, as if by magic your lighthouse will magically erect.

Your final piece should look like this, feel free to decorate it in any fashion and place it somewhere prominent to tell everybody you know how to Oribarmy.

Hand Dat Do Wishes

Somewhere out in Alibaabaa land is the Mystical Can Of Pledges, a magical can that once pressed cleans wooden furniture and causes the genie of the can to appear to the lucky holder, today that lucky person is you.

"Welcome, I am the genie of the Pledge Can and you the holder are my master and I grant you three wishes, I'm also hard of hearing so you will have to shout up a little. What is your first wish my new master?"

"Oh, wow! is this for real? I know, I always wanted to try this. I wish for an never ending amount of wishes!"

"Your wish is my command master. Here are your ever bending mounts for dishes. An unusual request as I can only imagine you have a limited amount of dishes to display but there you go."

"No! Not dishes, I wished for wishes you stupid genie are you really that deaf or something? I want my wish back."

"No can do I'm afraid, speak up a little I'm a tad deaf. You have two wishes left, maybe you would like some dishes to go with your bendy mounts?"

"Right, listen very carefully. ARE YOU READY?"

"No need to shout master. Yes, I am ready, wish away."

"I would like to wish for... Got it so far?"

"Yes, loud and clear master."

"A wish a day for the rest of my life."

"Your wish is my command. A dish, a tray and a vest for my wife. Shazam!"

"Noooo! You stupid, stupid flippin genie, I wish you could hear properly I only have one wish left."

"That's not quite true, you have no wishes left master and suddenly I can hear you quite clearly, by the way did you hear that pin drop a second ago?"

"Bugger."

Playa School

And now on BBC One we have Play School which makes a welcome return after an absence of 28 years with its new updated format in accordance with today's programming guidelines of children growing up with a hypnotic bombardment of programs and formats that are ineffective communicators and rely on rudeness and general unpleasantness to get a point across as the notion of good taste and respect stands derelict by the wayside. Adults are depicted as clueless fools and the latest technology pulls peer groups together as the family unit dissolves at a much earlier age and social technology wreaks havoc on many relationships. Enjoy!

Warning : Contains flashing images, strong language, drug and alcohol use and scenes of an upsetting nature.

Ding, ding, ding!

Here's a house, here's a door. Windows 1,2,3,4, ready to knock? Turn the lock - It's goddam play school you motherflicking yard apes. Get down, it's hammer time.

It feels good, when you know you're down
A super fly homeboy from play town
And I'm known as such
And this a beat you mothers cannot touch

I told you, playboy
(You can't touch this)
Yeah, that's how we play and you know
(You can't touch this)

So Humpty wave your hands in the air
Hamble bust a few moves over there
Jemima run your fingers through your hair
Move, slide your rump
Big Ted and little ted are going to do the bump, bump, bump

Break it down
Stop, hammer time.

Yo kiddies, stop all ya sexting, all ya texting and all ya bawling and pay yers attention. This be play school and for all you noobs it about to get happnin'

We yawl know you ain't got an attention span, we yawl know its about you so today we are gonna tell you how to backchat with a few simple words whilst we pretend to be a diva.

Stand like this with your hands on your hips, that's right, like a bitch. Now raise your hand, I know yawl don't know your left from your right so just put your hand up. That's right, raise a finger and show them crumblies your hand, then repeat after me.

'Oh my god, I ain't your bitch!'

Good, now try 'You never tell me anyfink!' and throw in a few 'innits' or 'likes' and then say 'Duh, like that's gonna happen"

Now let's practice the sulk walk, that's the bomb, it's the knife through your crumblies hearts.

Look them in the eye and say 'I hate you', hold that glare 1,2,3 and drop your shoulders, turn around and walk out slamming the door.

Wasn't that fun?

Let's visit Brian and see what's through the windows today, better be bitchin!

Will it be the round window? The square window? Or the arch window?

C'mon, make your minds up you doofus, which one shall we break today?

We are going to break the round window with Humpty. Come on Humpty, sit still whilst I kick you through it.

*crash*

Let's see what's through the broken glass...

Today we are going to visit a crack house and see how crystal meth is made, may even score some crank. After that last time me and Humpty visited that cat house we were on some real shiitake, when we donged that skin party we was wired man.

*short film*

Welcome back, it's time for Floella to read us a story.

Sit down and shut the flick up, you gonna ear a tale and it's amazeballs so head up and clam it.

It's called 'The Voice' and if any of you muthas shout out or dis this speak I'll be down on you like a schizzle storm.

"You lay in bed, everything is quiet when from downstairs you hear your dad calling you. 'Emily, Emily!' It calls, 'Come down here Emily'

Quietly you step out of your room and stand at the top of the stairs.

Just as you are about to take the first step a voice comes from your parents room 'Don't go down there Emily, I heard it too' says your dad.

Thanks Floella let's go back to Brian

Let's end today's program with a few new bitchin' words, got a problem with the teach? Call her a ho'

Let's use it in a sentence.

'Yo ho' I ain't got no pencil'

'Ho' you be like 99 problems, see what I'm sayin' biatch?

No let's learn to swagger, that's it walk along like you got a full diaper, carry that attitude for max respect. Yolo.

C'mon, join in you Hamble bitch, that's it get it on with Jemima, grind that booty up and down whilst I get my swerve on. Hang on, Big Ted, Little Ted, let's get this pole in place we gonna have a party.

That's it, work it girls I'm gonna make it rain on yawls. We be snortin' Crystal and doin' lines all nite getting our bitch on with Humpty and the crew.

That's it from Play School we' be back tomoroz wid bling, bling, bang, bang and a whole heap of toddler trouble. Keep that grill smilin'

Respect.

NEXT

Hectors House, in this updated episode Hector goes on a rampage with a 9mm after tripping over a garden rake. Contains flashing images, extreme violence and a few fu**s.

Oooh, It's A Girl!

Really? Did I really look like that in the 70's? Unfortunately yes, bowl cut and all. Delving back into my childhood as part of the process to bring the Impossimal version of Alice In Wonderland alive. It's always a hard but necessary step looking back when creating Impossimals to retain the quirky naivety in my paintings. My childhoodwas a world that lacked designer labels, massive high street chains, computers, mobile phones, even the television only had three channels and didn't start broadcasting until around 10:30am on the BBC a whilst ITV ran schools programmes until midday. In short, it lacked many things we now take for granted which also meant that many experiences also created more focused memories. Take phonecalls for example, today they are part and parcel of mobile life that more often than not we don't think about but way back then phone calls were a considered move that required in most cases the finding of a phone box and a handful of 2p's to avoid the dreaded pips in the vain hope that the person on the other end was actually near the phone. More awkward perhaps but certainly more memorable.

So each of my paintings have layers of memories hidden in them from my many years on this planet; one such memory that popped into my head yesterday was of a schools program vaguely remembered that centred around a short poem so prompted me to add a small painted addition to a stream of red hot tea pouring from a pink teapot. It was a beautiful pea green boat carrying the owl and the pussycat, a small detail that you would miss quite easily as it's less than 1cm in size but I know it's there and it waits to be found by others, a memory captured and passed on like all the best memories are.

Anyway the photos triggered a bit of 'how did I get here?' type of feeling so off I went flicking through the years to find out...

Some memories are a little more painful including my long hair that often promoted me being branded a 'girl' but I quickly realised that the best way to tackle with being a little different is to think differently which led to some unique opportunities along the way in an area of the country that expected most young school leavers to go directly from school to work in the local pits.

The first was training to be an architect / surveyor. Here I am still looking girl like setting up a tripod to survey part of a new inner ring road somewhere around 1986. Not a glamorous job and I could be often found on site in a small hut with a frozen toilet and a toaster for heat. I enjoyed it but it was not for me, creatively it was a bit stale but I did learn many useful skills from the people I worked with such as how to complete the cream cake challenge; eat twenty cream cakes and finish with an 'Elephants Foot' possibly the largest cream cake ever and how to 'pounce' people which involved using a dusting powder very much like chalk and balancing it above a door so the next person to enter got a head full of the stuff so all was not wasted. Oh, and I learned how to draw circles and curves freehand on fear of getting my knuckles rapped and a passion for numerical problems and puzzles.

I ended up eventually a few years later in a fashion design department using one of the first CAD systems to enter the UK, the Nagata 3000. It was the age of Commodore Amiga and Atari ST so to get my hands on a state of the art system like this was incredible. Even more fortunate was the decision by the company I worked for to start licensing products. This was relatively unheard of in 1989, the first licensor we worked with was Disney who at this stage was also very new to the licensing game and supplied cartoon images hand drawn directly from the cartoon artists that worked on the films. Quickly the company amassed over 400 hand drawn and inked originals that were worth over £40,000 that sadly were thrown away in a misguided move by the company many years later unaware of just what they had.

Rather than be a CAD artist I tried to be a designer and applied for a design job at the same company and learned my first true lesson from the formidable owner Roy, that shaped my future.

'Learn colour and composition and by the way you haven't got the job.'

That was it, it was that simple. I went back to the CAD system and spent sixteen years learning just that eventually running a team of graphic designers using seven different CAD systems to produce a variety of licensed products from over a hundred licensees in one of the biggest design studios outside of London. So after working with Teletubbies, The Simpsons, Thomas The Tank, Mr Men, Warner Brothers, Lucasfilms, DC Comics, BBC and just about every other conceivable popular character or brand and producing over 30,000 designs I thought it was time again to look to the future. The photo above by the way is from a popular children's program called 'You And Me' / 'Playbus' they featured the company I worked for and unfortunately me as part of the 'People At Work' on the programme. I even did the voice over until a stuffed hen called the Why Bird returned on screen and muscled me out.

Anyway...

In 2005 I had a wife, mortgage, car loan and numerous other expenses so I did the most illogical thing, I packed in my job of sixteen years and sent an email to fine art publishers Washington Green at 8:30pm one April night.

Ten years later I'm sat writing this blog wondering how did it all go so quick and flicking through photos to write today's blog.

Memories.

We have them, make them and savour them, occasionally like today it's also nice to share them.

This is WHY bird - My BBC Childrens Television ruiner, avoid at all costs!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Let's Go Birding

Have trouble identifying our common garden birds? Then guess no more with our cut out and keep handy guide to birds 'Birding' the companion guide to a similar sounding publication for dogs.

The Wheelsparrow

Immediately recognisable with its eight spoke all terrain twin wheels it can be often found trundling around the garden helping other birds move pots and large amounts of soil. It's wings can be extended to provide temporary handles and / or garden tool holders.

The Robbin

Thieving little birds that will peck a circular entry point through any window and bypass security systems with their miniature size to steal and thieve any shiny objects. A team of Robbins were used to drill the five foot tunnel used in the bank holiday robbery at Hatton Gardens a few weeks ago. Witnesses describe birds still flying around at the scene many days after, pigeons were used as lookouts. Probably.

The Cookoo

If you smell a barbecue or the whiff of bacon then it probably means you have a Cookoo in the garden. They like nothing more than a quick fry up when they land. Unfortunately Cookoo's are notoriously bossy and unpredictable and treat every garden as their personal kitchen often tweet swearing and throwing around garden ornaments. Listen out for their distinctive call of 'getoutofmykitchenyoucantcookandyouarenotainsleyharriotyoumasterchefwannabe'

The Bearded Tit

Unfortunately these are becoming more common on our streets, often opinionated and self centred they will make sure any birds in the area know exactly who they are. Secretly they are very insecure but will quite happily bore any passing bird to death by reciting the full history of a favoured subject such as the history of all the meals served in the Star Trek films often spoken in Elvish. If you see one flying it's not actually flying, it's using Jedi levitation.

Great Tit

With a penchant to destroy washing lines and television aerials this oversized bird has all the hallmarks of the Bearded Tit but hides it all behind a jolly outward appearance and the ability to bounce upon landing. Often dresses in disguises to blend in or assumes being obnoxious will win friends. Other birds stay well away and learn to keep wings and legs away from a Great Tit when they are eating as they consume anything not nailed down. See Posh Pigeon for more details.

The Kingfisher

Perennial bore that likes to spend large amounts of time dipping a piece of string in the water to tempt passing fish only then to attack them with a large wooden truncheon. Often they will be found sat at the edge of a garden pond discussing the virtues of a large fumble wool fly as opposed to a neon coated triple solar bob flytrap with other Kingfishers. Smells of fish.

Duckface

If you see a quick flash of light coming from your garden then I'm afraid you have a Duckface one of the most socially unaware birds to visit our gardens today. Constantly needs approval from other birds and will pester them for approval, often spouting random tweets for attention. The strange appearance of this bird has led to an explosion of 'Duckface' copycats on the Internet, most of them more hideous than the real plumped lipped bird we know and love today. See also Selfridge the Self Aware Partridge.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Burt Dangerous - Professional Arse At Your Service

Burt Dangerous, swarve, sophisticated and from Blighty out to root out the evil in this world. From his secret store cupboard deep in Croyden Burt receives a phonecall...

'That was the commissioner Burt, he has an extremely dangerous job for you that requires your 'special' skills for King and Country' said Flambert, Burt's trusty batsman.

'What ridiculously dangerous but exciting job that makes me look sexy has the commissioner found for me now Flambert? Is it as deliciously suicidal as chasing the flamboyant sailor last week and ending up in a barrel? Or is it as sinister as the gaudy glory hole of Grantham that found me butt naked and wedged up to a chair?'

'Its worse than that Burt, it's a cocky flicker who thinks he knows everything about the Pullman 2654 to Crewe and we all know there's nothing worse than a know it all trainspotter, especially as you are president of the Trainspotters Federation of Ace Holes. 

Go and put him right Burt, tell him the Pullman 2654 doesn't go from Crewe, that should sort him out.'

'Oi, you! Do you know who's patch you are train spotting on you shunter head?'

'I was only looking for a Pullman 2654 gov'nor, give a guy a break!'

'Take that! There will be no more Pullman spotting for you today you flicker!'

'Oooofff! Ok, ok, I'm off, you win!'

'Well that went well Burt, the commissioner has called to congratulate you but also has another request. We have a suspicious man asking about Hillman Imps, a potential car enthusiast and he has asked you to take them out for him. Old car enthusiasts must be eradicated before we are all driving around in Robin Reliants and eating egg sandwiches beside the road. Don't spare the rod Burt, he also has information regarding a masochistic stamp collecting meeting going on in Surrey, see what you can find out.'

'Will do, they won't know what hit them!'

Thwack! Pow! Crash! Tinkle tinkle...

'No more slowing traffic down for you on your way to your Impish club, get a decent car you crumblie!'

'Well, he didn't reveal much but I did find his secret stash of Frey Bentos pies that he had secluded at the bottom of his garden. Hey, what's this hidden under the tins?'

'This is it Flambert, the note revealed that if I pull this chain three times the toilet flushes in number ten, that's the signal for the masochistic stamp collectors to meet. For that I need to go in disguise so I don't stand out, avert thine eyes, I'm going native!'

'Ooooh Bert you make me spooge.'

'Damn lucky I had my leopard undercrackers on and not my elephant trunk boxers. What's that I spy down there? It can't be? It's Shaft of the Jungle, it looks like he's making his way to the meeting.'

'Hi Shaft, what's happenin' my dog, is that a snake or are you just pleased to see me?'

'Yo Burt, righteous greets, I be after a good spanking and heard this was the place.'

'You heard wrong Shafter old buddy, it's spanking all right but mixed with a dangerous stamp collecting ring, you're best out of it, these things can get rather... sticky, but I've got it licked.'

'Oh. Bugger.'

'Why do you take my place bwana?'

'I have a secret weapon, once they start spanking my eroticism will explode destroying their ring forever and possibly me in the resultant sexplosion'

'Isn't that a bit strong for a daily blog that's supposed to be about art, I mean all this talk about sexplosions and spanking is a bit far fetched isn't it?'

'Not really Shaft, it's a well known fact that art is pain and pain is spanking and spanking is art, now get the bloody mask on and flick off, my arse is humming for a drumming.'

'Make sure you get a safe distance away, when I go off I don't want to be responsible for your swift but enjoyable death at the hands of my exploding rear.'

'Bye Burt, enjoy?'

'I will Shaft, I most definitely will.'

'Here they come!'

*SPANK

'More, more!'

*SPANK SPANK SPANK

'Come on you losers, put your back into it, that's it take a run up big boy!'

*KERSPANK!!!! SPLOOOOM!!!!

'Burt was a good man, perverted as hell but a good man. Went out with a bang splat and not many people can say that.'

'Tosser more like Sarge.'

'You can say that again, hehehe!'

THE END

Or is it?

Mystical Balls

Let me once more look into my balls to see the future..

Several full moons this year are falling on the cusp of Scorpios elbow and enters Libras twelfth house which will call forth a large pink hovering pig that will float aimlessly above Milton Keynes before spontaneously combusting and showering five counties with free bacon. A half moon in July in conjunction with a Plutos Uranus square to Mars gives a distinct possibility of rain at some point in the month and I will even go as far to pinpoint it's location as somewhere in Scotland.

In April an ascending  New Moon hints at the possibility of a celebration accompanied by eggs, I cannot predict this exactly as I'm out on a limb with this but it will involve chocolate and a partial lunar eclipse shows two large ears and a fluffy tail. Only time will tell if I am correct on this one. July is interesting, I see five 'hoops' after studying Aquarius in a trine to Mars, the planetary picture is positive but I see little in the way of gold coming to the UK.

In August Virgo hits an all time high and it is revealed that Big Ben is actually Thunderbird 6, controlled by puppets in the adjoining Westminster. There will be a popular uprising and the puppets will be packed into Big Ben and launched high into the sky where, like a firework, they will explode. It will also be the month of Early Chrimbodosso where mysteriously large tins of Quality Street will appear in supermarkets throughout the land.

September will be a moonless month and revelations will appear to support claims that Roly, the dog from Eastenders first episode was actually Michael Flatley, a claim supported by the story line when Roly trampled (tapped danced more like) over Arthur Fowlers prized leeks in a bid to show off. It will also be revealed that cheese can now be made without animals using old socks and bits of melted recycled plastic, something they have been doing for years and the real reason for recycling bins.

December, I see nothing special about December at all.

Octomembersaur is a new month that will be introduced in 2013 to cope with the revelation that mathematicians have still not agreed to adding in the leap second. Calculated back through time we are now in the age of the dinosaurs and require a new month of 40,000 years to bring us back in line. New fashions will include stone clubs, square wheels and of course the iCave, a dwelling hewn out of solid rock.

Your Lucky Lottery Numbers Are - 12,25,23,35,38,39
All are guaranteed to come up!!!!*

*At some point, in some lottery and not in this order, use of these numbers forms a contract between me and you. All winnings above £1 must be shared with me.

So all in all 2012 looks to be an exciting year!**

**Predictions may vary from ones given and I predict they may even be completely different, which as a prediction is a pretty accurate prediction so my predictions are of course valid.

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Master Minder

Arthur Daley here, Your modern entrepreneur is constantly gazing into the crystal ball of opportunity so have a gander at my latest money maker, a quiz show. Get anything wrong and I'll send Terry round to push you down the apple and pears.

Your chosen subject is answering questions using a song title, lets begin.

Q. What was Fergie, The Duchess Of York known as and by whom?

A. Queen and 'Fat Bottomed Girls'

Q. In the popular book Fifty Shades Of Grey what happens in the red room?

A. Meat Loaf and 'I'd do anything for love (But I won't do that)'

Q. You discover a small insect in the bath, what is it?

A. Beatles and 'She Came In Through The Bathroom Window'

Q. In fiscal policy describe the current euro situation in three words.

A. Europe and 'The Final Countdown'

Q. In the bible what chapter did Moses appear in and what could he not do?

A. Genesis and 'I Can't Dance'

That's it for this round, now for the general knowledge round where you supply a question to my answer.

A. Chimp Scissors.

Q. What do you call scissors for cutting chest hair?

A. A Clowns Pocket.

Q. Where would a clown put his hankie?

A. No.

Q. Is there a way to scratch a scratch card without scratching it?

A. A Blowhole.

Q. If you eat a curry followed by pizza and six pints of lager what do you get?

Finally for a bonus point fill in the blanks using just one word.

------- is good for you although you can get wet handling it and a slippery one is difficult to hold on to. ------- come in all sizes, from the disappointing to the oh my god variety, size though makes no difference to your enjoyment unless of course you are trying to please a lot of people at once.

The correct answer was of course 'fish'

You have scored 0/0

Want to buy a new motor?

I have just the one for you, only one lady owner.

Stripper Pole

Come and join us tomorrow Saturday 25th April at Castle Galleries, Leeds between 1-4pm for an arty farty extravaganza where we will prance around talking Impossimals completely NAKED whilst gyrating up and down our portable stripper pole.

OK, maybe not naked BUT there will be plenty of Impossimals, drink flowing from specially imported fifty foot wine fountains held aloft by an army of muscled, tanned men and an entire troup of dancing sheep signing to Elton John. The strippers will be on stage at 2pm just after the knife juggler and a seven course dinner will be served at 3:30pm promptly.

You will find a large selection of shops have opened their doors in celebration of our appearance then shut them in our face when they realise who we are. Rumours of us being banned from Leeds City center on grounds that we bring the area down is completely founded in truth. Of course we will be bringing our own packed lunch of a bottle of wine in a brown paper bag as usual and feel free to hunt us down in the carpark as we tuck into our carpark picnic just like the guy last year who videoed us and uploaded it to YouTube under the heading 'look at these nutters! Hahahaha!'

Jayne and I will be singing power ballads on air guitars and miming to Nikki Minaj before reading a passage from our latest book 'Peter And Jayne Go Wild At Butlins', part of our reading with shame series. Of course we will also be available to chat and sign things, although no buttocks, we never got over the pen slipping last time. We will also be continuing our record breaking attempt and trying to beat the fifty two people we managed to cram in the galleries viewing room when we last visited.

So come along, it's completely free and we don't bite anymore.

You can't get better than that!

N.B. Peter and Jayne will be appearing tomorrow at Castle Galleries, Leeds between 1-4pm and all are welcome, additional entertainment is subject to availability, expense and general silliness.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Potato!

Verily forsooth, tis the day of the George, slayer of dragons and purveyor of white and red underwear but just how much do you know about old George and potatoes?

St George's real name is Arthur Crimblecock and the dragon he fought was called Mary Mangle, his mother in law who he saw off with a well placed aim when a potato hit her squarely in the mouth shutting her up indefinitely.

George once married a Marris Piper.

In 1970 St George set up St George Ltd PLC and opened hundreds of public houses around the country called George And The Dragon and installed formidable landlords and ladies who would chuck you out at closing time and refuse happy hours on the grounds that drinking is a serious matter. A downturn of trading in the 90's when pubs went 'family friendly' and turned beer gardens to play areas forced George to sell off his pub chain to Wetherspoons, a non dragon fighting public house chain that supplies pies and pints to the masses.

George had a liking for potatoes.

St George joins St Bungle the patron saint of DIY accidents and St Zippy the patron saint of loud, obnoxious people you wish had a zip to form the holy trinity of patron saints called a Rainbow. Rod, Jane and Freddy contrary to popular belief was actually a set of instructions.

During the great fire of London in 1666 St George whilst gathering his possessions to flee the city decided to leave behind his favourite potatoes wrapping them in silver foil to avoid damage. When he returned to the glowing embers of his house the next day his distress was tempered by the discovery that he had accidentally invented the humble baked potato. In his diary he wrote 'House destroyed, all my worldly possessions burnt beyond repair. On the bright side created an excellent new snack I shall call a baked potato and open up a business selling such a new discovery, it shall be called Potato'U'Like. It can be served with lashings of gruel and lemon posset.'

In 1667 Londons first Potato'U'Like caught fire when a batch of potatoes reached critical mass and exploded scattering red hot mash over several miles. Several potatoes were catapulted into random areas of London, due to their unexploded nature they are still regarded as a hazard today if discovered during building works. St George was found walking around dazed and confused after the explosion uttering the words 'Your not supposed to blow the bloody doors off!' Words made famous many years later when the worlds biggest potato heist was dramatised for television in 'The King Edward Job'

When St George saw his first ever King Edward potato it resembled an overgrown prune, he described it in his diary...'King Edwards? looks more like King Kongs!'

St George was the first person to survive going over Niagra Falls in a hollowed out potato. The Pentland Squire was particularly ideal to be hollowed out having a tough outer skin and a firm middle making it ideal for chips or indeed makeshift boats.

He also had an obsession with potatoes.

Potato slippers never really did take off, after several wearings the public complained of mashed toes so they were taken off the market and replaced with our now common training shoes made from hardened potato skins in large factories worldwide.

St George always loved potatoes.

As with his wishes when St George died after being crushed under two tonne of New potatoes foolishly stacked he was placed in a baking tray and covered with SMASH to resemble a large Shepherds Pie. We don't know why, he was just funny like that.

FUN FACT FOR TODAY

St George loved potatoes.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals