Posh Poo

With society on the brink of a moralistic collapse it's time to set things straight with Proper Etiquette, our bi-monthly course in how to talk real proper and do stuff correctly. In today's episode we tackle the thorny issue of public toilets.

Public Conveniences - Use Them Or Not?

When you have got to go you have go to go so unfortunately you will occasionally be in a position where they are unavoidable but a few handy pointers will help you tackle them like a native.

1) Remember, they are public toilets so do not take in reading material even if you are going for a leg numbing session. Instead read what you find in the cubicle, maybe an old discarded cigarette packet or the list of phone numbers offering you a good trembling, all make excellent browsing material without the need to carry a small paperback in your pocket for toilet time.

2) Keep the noise down. There is nothing worse than listening to somebody announcing when the train leaves the station and smashes into the buffers. Instead if you need to make some noise choose an animal according to the severity of your load. For example mooing like a cow is good for a 5mb download but for 10mb hot dogs dropped in the sea you need to to choose something a bit more manly like a walrus. Giraffes are good for long neckers whilst frogs are useful for any surprises. Roaring like a lion is only for the kings of the throne and should only be used when its stuck sideways. Loo Zooing as its called is now quite common so feel free to experiment with different animals out of your comfort zone.

3) Be flexible with hand driers. They are incredibly useful and fun, not only do they dry hands but if you are using one with a rotating head point it up and place your face in the blast. It's just like parachuting without the risk, apart from a healthy injection of germs, but hey, germs are good for you. If you take a few ping pong balls in with you you can load them in before you press start. Try to bounce them into urinals and cubicles, place stickers on each denoting score and keep a running total for extra fun.

If its a Dyson air blade it's advisable not to dip anything else in them other than your hands no matter how tempting. The have been known to remove objects with ease. Also no hand standing if your drier does not rotate, instead take a length of flexible tubing to attach that can be safely tucked into your trousers for a stimulating warm sensation.

4) Be aware of others. You may leave the door open at home but it's not the norm in public. Equally, opening the door as someone passes to tell them 'Give me a few minutes mate, I've got a barrow load to shift' is also frowned upon. The correct greeting upon flinging open a door whilst your seated is 'Want this one? I've warmed it up.'. Really the only time you can leave your door open is if your watching if your starter has arrived.

5) If all the cubicles are taken don't suffer in silence. Rattling all the doors will hasten any sitters, to really speed them up stand as close to the cubicle as you can so your shoes pop underneath the door, then make small scratching sounds with your nails before gripping the top of the door as though you are about to pull yourself up. They will be up and out before you know it.

6) The public is quite used to attention seeking after watching program's like Got Talent and that other wretched thing so join in the fun. Play The Voice game, upon entering any public toilet see if you can break wind in an impressive way to make four people turn around, variations of this game can be played on the bus, in a library or even during a wedding service. Toilet train is another game but for this you will need to be in an end cubicle. Unhook the toilet roll and holding onto one end roll it across the floor and under the other cubicles. See how many cubicle carriages you can roll it through before it either hits a sitter or other object.

Trendy people are turning to a new phenomenon, Boom Boxing. The idea is that the cubicle is your recording studio and you have been asked to produce the biggest splash you can. Participants are not allowed to drop foreign objects into the toilet so it's all about height, targeting and trajectory. Players have been known to take in furniture and even small step ladders to increase the solid boom. Scores are awarded by how many people are stopped in their tracks upon hearing the sound.

7) That's about it really, just remember the simple rule mirror, signal, manoeuvre upon exiting and check for excess baggage in the glove box, nobody thanks a toilet snail with its white tissue trail. Tomorrow urinal handstands and dealing with pizza deliveries to your cubicle.

Get Ready To ROAR!

On Sunday get ready to greet our GoGoDragon 'Knickerbockergloria' sponsored by Bluebird Care as she arrives at her special VIP place outside the Apple Store in the Chappelfields complex, Norwich. With footfall of over 20,000 people a day she will be hard to ignore!

Taking over six weeks to complete she was created using a variety of techniques; acrylic and oil paint for her body, ceramics for her snowflake wings and a hard wearing glitter coat covered in resin to finish off, she even has several scoops of ice cream placed in the curve of her tail, again made out of clay and resin finished. Her central freezer unit was first created as a miniature model so we could see both sides of it and the same effect was then transferred to her body. Simply stand on one side and look through at all the ice creams, go to her opposite side and you see an accurate view back as if she was really in 3D. Incredible fun to do and lots of hidden things to discover in her painting and decoration should you get chance to see her in all her glory.

Dragon trail maps are already available online and off line and thousands are expected to hunt them all down over the next three months in a dragon frenzy. Knickerbockergloria also features in a special dragon sticker book and postcard souvenir collection available from many locations throughout Norwich.

Knickerbockergloria is indeed a special dragon; she's an ice cream dragon who lives under Mariners Hill in Blakeney, Norfolk just behind the ice cream parlour. To celebrate her association with ice cream you will be able to buy a special Knickerbockergloria ice cream creation from Ronaldo Ices, just look for their special ice cream barrows. The sale of each Knickerbockergloria ice cream contributes directly to the Break charity and is extremely yummy too!

Knickerbockergloria has a few secrets of her own, if you have a NFC enabled phone simply scan her body for secret NFC activation areas to learn more about her story and see if you can identify all her hidden ice creams, some familiar others taken from history.

WIN WIN WIN!!!!!

Now the fun bit WE want YOU to VISIT Knickerbockergloria and do something for us, HAVE YOUR PHOTO TAKEN with her and ROAR!!!!! at the same time! The best photo at the end of the three months WINS the original Knickerbockergloria OIL PAINTING signed by both of us worth £1000!!!!

HOW TO GET YOUR PHOTO OF KNICKERBOCKERGLORIA TO US

Post on Facebook and tag us or Knickerbockergloria

Or

Post on Twitter and include @impossimal or @sapphire1dragon

Or

Post on Instagram and hashtag #impossimal

Or

Post of the World Of Impossimals Facebook page

Or

Simply send your photo to pete@petersmithcollective.co.uk

It's that simple!

1. Find Knickerbockergloria

2. Take a photo of you ROARING with her

3. Send it to us or tag us

4. Cross your fingers!

The more creative the better but don't worry we will take every photo into account and include the best later on in the year as part of the Mission Impossimal magazine release!

Knickerbockergloria will appear on the 21st June, go find her and good luck!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Your Horoscope For Today

The mists are clearing, the spirit world has spoken, I Ali Umbongo have spoken and the heavens have shown the celestial path and the gherkin of foretelling has sweet and sour predictions. Using careful study of the universe and no guessing whatsoever let the miracle begin...

Aries - A varied day ahead, you will be chased by a tribe of head hunters down the high street only to find a pound coin in the doorway that you use to hide. Boa constrictors will play some part in a chance meeting with your future partner in crime. Together you will mastermind a bungled bank job and receive a life sentence for using the word piano inappropriately.

Taurus - Your bull headedness will increase, by tea time you will have horns and a swishy tail. Avoid china shops, red items and gaily dressed individuals with pointy hats and swords. Oh, and circular arenas. Maybe a good time for a nose piercing.

Gemini - Now is the chance to expand your waistline. Being a twin theoretically means you have two stomachs and twice the metabolism so trough away guilt free safe in the knowledge that your spiritual twin will be taking all those calorie hits! I also predict that at some point today you will read this with your eyes open proving that all this is true. Believe my green gherkin hide, I tell the truth!

Cancer - A chance encounter with a vacuum cleaner and a donkey will catapult you on to next weeks X-Factor where you will be laughed at mercilessly as you try to sing Little Donkey in the style of Jay-Z. Miraculously after spilling the beans about your childhood upbringing full of deprivation and tales of living for years in a bin you get to go to boot camp. You then find out the real use for a donkey and a vacuum cleaner and it will take another thirty years of therapy to remove the mental scars of Tommy Walsh.

Leo - You will be petted by passersby until you remove somebody's arm outside Greggs. After this you will need a lion down to get over it.

Virgo - Waking this morning from the dream you had last night of eating the worlds biggest marshmallow you will find your pillow has disappeared. Virgo is gentle and delicate and prefers to stand back and analyse before stepping in, you prefer the company of goats and the colour of hiccups, which of course is Burple.

Libra - With a star sign that sounds like a cheap alcoholic drink you are probably need a quick 'nip' to get you through the day. I don't blame you really, today is a shocker. I f you could see what I could see, my god it's really is going to be bad. Shockanory is one way to describe it. Good luck!

Impossimal -  You are a gentle person living in a gentle world, the fact that you have a rotund body, stripes, a long nose and no mouth pose no problems and you are perfectly capable of handling important items like macaroons, hearts and rabbits.

Scorpio - Today is nude day for all Scorpio star signs so shed those clothes and march proudly into work wearing nothing but your birthday suit. Be careful though if your occupation uses power tools, or hot water. Firemen and Policemen may, as a sign of their position, wear a helmet. However if you are a doctor you must remain naked and greet your patients with the words 'Lovely to get the air round my flue, how can I help you?'

Sagittarius - After an early start your day your commute to work will involve several wilder beasts, a dachshund called Derek and a twenty seven piece orchestra. The works photocopier will only photocopy body parts which you will then send to Mystic Gherkin, PO Box 53536, Astral Plane 25, The Universe, for my perusal. Oh my! Please excuse the shaky typing.

Capricorn - Your guaranteed winning lucky lotto numbers are 23,14,17,1,2,9. *Guaranteed to win!! (*may take 52 million draws over many centuries but at some point they will win, you saw it here first!) The most gullible of star signs you will eventually work out why dogs can't look up and why putting your finger in your ear when you swallow will cause your other ear to pop. Also beware, if you place your finger in your belly button and turn anti clockwise your bottom will fall off.

Aquarius - You will be banned from the swimming baths for urinating in the water after being caught by the attendant. Next time don't do it from the side, wait until you get in. Further embarrassment will occur when you mistakenly ask at the hairdressers for a pullet rather than a mullet and up looking like a cock.

Pisces - Now is the time to take on a new challenge and become Le Petomane a professional flatulist - bottom wind performer to the stars. Amaze and shock your friends in equal measures as you skilfully recreate the bombardment of Port Arthur, a buzz saw, popping corks and the sound of a creaking door. End your performance by blowing out a candle from ten feet away with careful control.

The mists have fallen and the Mystic Gherkin is silent once again. Placed in its esteemed position at the back of the kitchen cupboard it will return to predict when Christmas will occur (sometime around the 25th of December) and the outcome of the world record attempt to place an elephant on a matchstick whilst it's balanced on Mr T's nose.

CLASSIFIEDS

Anne Ole Joike - Singer, book for stag, club, parties. Own teeth.

B.D. Biddlesworth - Victorian Dad, hire for children's parties. Makes sure children are seen and not heard. Specialities include balloon bursting, castor oil tasting and spanking. Comes complete with cane.

Emma Dreaming & Arthur White - Ideal for Xmas parties, for additional fee Chris Muss will attend to make a trio. Pixie dress optional extra.

Crap presenter required for old BBC car show, no time wasters or Chris Evans please. 

Sunday 21st June, Knickerbockergloria appears outside the Apple store in Chappelfields, Norwich for a game of ROAR, more details soon! @sapphire1dragon. #gogodragons2015 

Well, That Was Unexpected

Cue the mysterious dancing girl and weird music it's that time again to enter the unknown with Stories Of The Unexpected, the more unexpected than tales of the unexpected which you never expected that they could get more unexpected.

THE BOX

Thirty long years he had been saving, thirty years of hard times, thirty years of living the life of a pauper, lonely and miserable but he had to have it. The little box in the pawn brokers window didn't look particularly attractive, indeed, it's mahogany exterior decorated with several silver flowers adorning the side looked quite ordinary. The lid was a combination of copper and bronze, carefully etched with the same decorative flowers held in place by two small hinges. The box was locked, a sign next to the box simply said 'key missing, contents unknown' but the cost of owning this small insignificant box was out of proportion.

He knew the box. Putting his hand in his pocket he pulled out a small gold key which glinted in the morning sun, multi faceted it's bow was also shaped just like the flowers decoration allowing a delicate touch when turning it in the lock. How he had imagined this day, finally being able to call it his own, finally turning the key on the box that would change his life forever.

As he approached the pawn brokers door he paused, savouring the moment, remembering the hardships he had endured, friends he had lost, enemies he had gained and now his pursuit was almost over. He turned the handle and pushed open the door.

A gigantic wave hit him full in the face followed by a pirate ship with full rigging as the entire Pacific Ocean poured through the door. He was found dead next to a small dolphin with half an urchin up his nose.

LAST BUS

Dashing down the street he saw the bus pull away, the last bus of the night had gone. 'Damn!' said David as he looked at his watch, it had left early leaving him a three mile walk in darkness. The batteries in his phone dwindled and expired as he started to dial making a miserable night more miserable indeed.

Still, the walk would do him good he thought to himself. It had been a difficult night, the argument had gone badly and they had both parted with hasty words and emotional wounds that would take time to heal. Concentrating putting one foot in front of the other he trudged away endlessly replaying the argument in his head. He never noticed the bus stationary in the road ahead until he was almost upon it. It stood quietly it's lights a beacon in the darkness it's engine stilled, its seats empty.
'Wha?' said David, suddenly stirred into life. He slowed down as he approached the back of the bus, it was empty that was obvious but there was something else about it, a peculiar smell that reminded him of something. Something he had smelt before, now what was it, there, that's it, a perfume. He remembered smelling it earlier that evening, that smell, it was her perfume.

He climbed aboard, the smell was getting stronger. Where was it coming from? Where was everybody? It smelt stronger upstairs, with each step it became more powerful, almost overpowering as he reached the top and froze. Seated at the front of the bus was a figure, from the back he could see it had long flowing golden ringlets of hair. Ringlets of hair just like Judith! Judith, who he had left crying into those ringlets less than an hour ago. 'Judith?' he said as he slowly approached the figure. 'Judith is that you?' The smell by now was intoxicating, he reached out and touched the figures shoulder...

The figure immediately spun around just as a elephant in fancy dress crashed through the roof of the bus flattening David.

BUCKET LIST

The field had been ploughed a thousand times that he could do it like clockwork, it was only as he turned around the plough that he noticed his last run had unearthed an object that reflected light back into his cab. It was not unusual, things had been found in the field before, a few coins, pottery, stuff like that so as he climbed down it was more of an inconvenience than a chance to make a discovery.

There in one of the furrows was a bucket, not just any bucket, this bucket looked brand new. 'Strange' he thought, 'Didn't see that when I drove down, looks new too.' He bent over to pick the bucket up. He couldn't no matter how hard he tugged or pulled. The bucket was seemingly fixed to the floor or extraordinarily heavy. 'Well if that ain't the darnedest thing ever!'. Nothing would budge it, nothing except my tractor he thought. He looped the chain over the bucket handle and attached it to the tractor. Back in the cab he started the engine and began to steadily pull away, as the chain became more taught a disturbance came from the bushes when out stepped a moustached duck with a stick of dynamite and blew up the farmer with his tractor.

Thank you for watching Stories Of The Unexpected, remember the unexpected always happens unexpectedly usually when it's unexpected. Don't unexpect to have nightmares!

*May Contain Fantasy Ballcocks

I recently purchased a small portable radiator for the studio to help with Jayne's ceramic work; it's a simple affair, you plug it I and it gets warm, not hot, just warm so you could put your hand in it all day and not get burnt. Hey, you can even kick it over and it's safe and there are no nasty places to insert objects to cause injury. So I was quite surprised when I read the instructions.

The appliance apparently is not to be used by persons with reduced mental capacity, physical injuries or sensory deprivation. Sounds a bit harsh, basically if you're hungover it's a no, no then. I mean, what type of reduced mental capacity are we thinking of? Does that mean if you have forgot where you have put the car keys you cannot switch it on? It carries on too; lack of experience and knowledge is also listed as a reason not to flick the switch unless, get this, unless you have been trained by a person responsible for your safety. I agree in principle that I may need looking after at some point, or every day as Jayne would say but I think it stretches the point a bit to have a trained safety specialist on hand to turn a flipping dial on a £19.95 heater that gets no warmer than a buttered crumpet.

Still, it seems to be a trend, I happen to catch an advert the other day for a product, I forget what it was but it's something like a toilet fresher or something but it was animated and featured lots of fairy tale stuff. Splashed across the bottom was a disclaimer. 'Product advertised features Fairy Tale dramatisation' 

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought it was real when that unicorn flew out of the toilet and Rapunzel used her hair to clean the lavatory bowl. I'll certainly think twice when I sit down now just in case i accidentally crush the Borrowers and I'll certainly be sure to shoo away Billy Goat Gruff from the U-bend first before I settle down for a good crap.

Honestly! I must go now, there's Pinocchio waving his nose to me from the garden and I must join him as we are going to Cinderella's ball where she has got some safety glass slippers for me to try providing I agree to the disclaimer for glass slipper tomfoolery. Here's my pumpkin radiator coach now pulled by six mice dressed as butlers all carrying bottles of demestos.

*Today's blog features fairy tale dramatisation and reference to alcohol. Contains infrequent innuendo's, slightly amusing sentences and sometimes facts. We do not endorse cleaning any toilet with your own hair or the wearing of glass slippers, especially when under the influence of alcohol. This disclaimer is not for people with reduced little fingers, if your little finger is littler than your middle finger then please find a suitably digitally trained individual to train you to read this disclaimer. Hickory dickory dock, the mice ran up the clock, the clock struck one and the others got away with minor injuries and just where in Humpy Dumpty does it say he was an egg?

Lost & Found

With only six weeks left I'm pushing time to complete what I set out to do last November and finish a body of work that goes way beyond anything I have attempted before. Two of the pieces have taken me six months to complete, the remaining four need to be done by the end of July and I'm feeling the pressure.

Bloodlines, the last Lost Impossimal collection was a mammoth task, with numerous models and props used to create the scenes, Lost Alice is that times ten. So far I have built a six foot long tea party, an eight and a half foot rabbit hole and parts of Wonderland normally not seen before including a completely bonkers Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee piece that uses hammers to make a point. Over a thousand pieces of sculpture has been created to populate the scenes and each character has its own maquette for reference with four being selected to transform into full sculptures as part of the tour.

So yes, it's a major job but one I'm thoroughly enjoying along the way. Jayne has joined me on this journey helping to create a lot of the background material and indeed designing and creating two special pieces herself which will run along side the releases in the galleries.

Gallery appearances are being sorted as we speak and we should get chance to visit some of the galleries we have not returned to for a number of years. All exciting stuff and it all starts in September when the madness of Alice meets the Impossimals for what promises to be a memorable collection of the surreal!

Oh, and before I forget there is just one other bit of news; the Impossimals are currently in Las Vegas. Just why and what they are doing there will be revealed shortly...

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Holiday Companion

I am Travel-Tron, your handy app to help you on your world travels in our International multicultural world. I detect that you are in England and I have adjusted my common phrases to help you. Please find my helpful suggestions to situations you may find in the countries you will visit.
Spain

'Vine aquí para una cerveza y una pelea y me he quedado sin cervezas'

I came here for a beer and a fight and I'm all out of beers.

'Disculpe señor, hay un toro en mi habitación con un sombrero de pequeña'

Excuse me sir, there is a bull in my room wearing a small hat.

'La última cosa que recuerdo es cantar como Doris Day y correr desnudo por el vestíbulo, ¿podría decirme cómo llegar al baño más cercano como me temo que puedo lanzar'

The last thing I remember is singing like Doris Day and running naked through the foyer, could you please direct me to the nearest toilet as I fear I may hurl

I detect you are about to embark to Brazil, here are some useful Portuguese phrases, it may be useful to copy them out on small cards to hold up as you will have difficulty saying them with your northern accent.

Brazil
Me gustaría informar que he perdido mi peine durante los disparos, gritos y sirenas afuera de mi puerta anoche antes de ser degradado por varios hombres enmascarados que me ataban a la cama y saquearon mi equipaje. He tenido ese hombre peine y el niño, si alguien se lo da en por favor me informen inmediatamente.

I would like to report I have lost my comb during the gunfire, screams and sirens outside my door last night before it was broken down by several masked men who tied me to the bed and ransacked my luggage. I have had that comb man and boy, if anybody hands it in please inform me immediately.

¿Sabes Copacabana de Barry Manilow, oigo su una melodía pegadiza.

Do you know Copacabana by Barry Manilow, I hear its a catchy tune.

Haga el favor de liberar mis bolas, que escuece.

Will you please release my balls, it smarts.

Usted es un hombre!

You are a man!

According to your Facebook posts we have automatically linked to this app we see you are about to go to Skegness, here's some traditional translations for you to try on the locals.

Skegness

Alrate yoof, note rammel in skeggy

Are you alright young man? There's nothing rubbish in Skegness.

Avin a piddle up jitty

Relieving oneself in a small alleyway

Other words you may find useful

Snap - food, lunch, Blubber - to cry or weep, Mash - to brew as in 'mash a cup of tea'. Not to be tried south of Birmingham as you will end up with a mug full of potato.

Usefull terms to remember when visiting Willy Wonka's factory.

A Tummyscrummy

A delightful piece of confection that makes your stomach sing

The Wangfoodle Room

A place where Foodle is created by several Wangs who knit Foodle from candy floss and liquorice laces.

Tastetinglingtonguetiedstrawberrychocbomb

Wonka's latest invention the Tastetinglingtonguetiedstrawberrychocbomb, a sugar coated almond sized sweet that tastes of strawberry which then melts away to an ice cream coating still frozen before the heat of your tongue activates the chocolate center which then explodes coating the inside of your mouth with some of the most fantastic chocolate you have ever tasted.


VISITING BRITAIN

You require a license to own a dog. Black and white canines such as border collies have cheaper licenses than their colour counterparts whilst any dog under four inches is free of licensing but must be declared 'off road' using form DVF 5142.

Libraries are are the only areas in the UK that allow the public breaking of wind and are thus kept quiet for that purpose. Particularly loud emissions can sometimes be applauded but please refrain from using language such as 'How's about that then?' to gain extra attention.

Inside each red postbox is a postman. If you require a stamp or need to post a letter you must address the occupant of the postbox directly by talking through the slot provided.

The currency in the UK is the British Pound so shopkeepers and restaurants will be more than happy to accept one pound of vegetable as payment, some may even encourage certain greenery. Burger joints for example will only accept payment in pounds of gherkins whilst banks like large deposits of bananas. It is not uncommon to pay taxi drivers in pounds of grapes.

Expect rain.

Due to the inclement weather all umbrellas are shared so should it rain and you see an unattended brolly feel free to take it. Some shops even have displays ready for the taking and make ideal places to find an umbrella in an amusing colour.

It is customary to queue in the United Kingdom. If you start at the back and gradually push people out of the way you are considered a true citizen, however if you immediately push in at the front you are considered a member of the upper class and will be applauded and people may want to shake your hand.

Whilst using the roads in the United Kingdom it is required by law to carry certain items in your car for an emergency. The following items are :

A torch, preferably one similar to the Olympic torch of which many can be found on eBay.

Six eggs and one chicken.

Twenty garden gnomes. Any less is considered a serious offence, statutory sentences for under twenty gnomes start at a year in prison for each gnome under the required amount.

A football signed by a premier footballer.

A flask of tea and crumpets.

A travelling rug.

One Carry On Film DVD

A Corgi called Colin.

Public transport is provided but It's often more handy to use the special public transport stopping places to board. Look for sets of lights that change colour, they can normally found at busy junctions. A green light means no boarding, amber informs you to get ready. When red shows all vehicles stop to allow passengers to board or exit the vehicle. Simply choose your vehicle, pull open the door and occupy the nearest seat for your journey. Instruct your driver to your destination and add the words 'Now! Or there's going to be trouble' to be whisked away swiftly and enjoy your ride.

Stately homes are just that, homes for the state and so can be occupied for free. They even come fully furnished with all the mod cons although you may have to share it with paying guests called 'visitors'.

To blend in with British society you need to be a follower of fashion. Current trends include duck lips and massive back racks both achieved by large injections of Botox. The wearing of white Y-Fronts, white socks and black shoes with nothing else but a bowler hat is considered the highest fashion in the land for both sexes.

Visitors looking for love may attract the opposite sex by standing in a public place shouting out some romantic prose at passers by. Current romantic literature to shout out in public is 50 Shades of Grey.

Thankyou for using Travel-Tron, further country translation packs are available at 0.69p each. Just added Sweary Mary for four letter fun in any language, buy two and get Slur Translator absolutely free, decipher any language no matter how drunk they are.

Proper Speak Liek Posh Peple

Welcome to the University Of Proper English, we aim to educate our students in the principles of using the correct grandma and how to avoid embarrassing shiitake from over enthusiastic spell chequers.

During our six week coarse you will lean how to spot mistakes as they happened. From spelling errors to languish difficulties our tutors will expertly use simple tech niches to a void pot and tail problems.

LESSON ONE

Highlight the problem areas in this paragraph.

As she mowed his grass he bought out the flowers. They were in pots and ready to plant in the ground now the soil was conditioned with shovels of fresh top soil. He popped his loam into the freshly dug hole before planting the flowers.

This should be quite easy, the above paragraph is nearly all incorrect, of coarse it should really reed, after the correct spell cheque has bean applied like this;

As she moaned, his ass bough tight then flowed. There were inputs and ready to punt the grind now the oil was condoned with shuttles of fresh tit oil. He dropped his load into the freakish bunghole before planning the flow hers.

LESS ONE TWO

Fill in the miss zing word.

A) She f___s like a barn door in a storm.

B) I helped my uncle J__k off a horse.

C) My c__k is the size of a saveloy.

How did you do?

A) the young lady is obviously prone to worrying, the correct word is FLAPS, she flaps like a barn door in a storm.

B) As the uncle is Scottish and has trouble dismounting from equines the correct answer is JOCK, I helped my uncle Jock off a horse.

C) Being facially challenged the gentleman is referring to his nose, or CONK as it can be called. My conk is the size of a saveloy.

LESSON TREE

Sometimes it is useful to use short abbreviations to get a massage a cross, watt do these mean?

A) Lol

B) Rotfl

C) Yolo

D) Thx

E) xxx

AN SWEARS

Were you right?

A) Lol - Languish our linguine, a term used in Italian restraints to describe past her.

B) Rotfl - Really out to find love, an endearing term used between couples.

C) Yolo - Yes, outlaw leftover onions. Used by vegetable activists to get a point across about wastage.

D) Thx - To hear xylophones. Sufferers of xylophonitus or stylophonitus use the term to describe their eternal suffering of a background noise featuring disturbing tones often produced by a bearded man. Sufferers can also be prone to Glockenspielinotion, the fear of four wheeled glockenspiels.

E) xxx - No,no,no! Or Wrong, wrong,wrong! A negative term used to inform someone if they are incorrect.

LEASON FORE

What are they?

A) Pushing Sucker

B) Dog Mermaids

C) Spinny Windies

ANNE SWEARS

A) A vacuum cleaner

B) Seals

C) Electric Fans

Now that you half sampled our land gauge coarse you can apply on line at www.werds4pleasuring.com with our sceptical starting offer of only £49.99 per month.

Apply two day and receive our math metrics coarse abs lute lay three.

No moor milkshakes, no pour spilling, comes whiff a sat his faction garden tea or your monkey Bach.

Are Friends Electric?

Many, many years ago not too long after I had passed my test we decided on a little jaunt out into the countryside in our second hand motor, a small blue Metro. Ok,ok I know it was probably the crappiest car around being nothing more than a tin bath on wheels but it had several things you would find missing from a car today. Firstly it had a manual choke, or a handbag holder as some people would wittily call it and secondly it had wind down windows complete with little handle.

I loved wind down windows. Notice I said 'loved' because one incident made me unlove them so much on our countryside jaunt that fine day. We had visited a local attraction, had a lovely day so decided to take a nice leisurely route through winding country roads. Up hill and down dale we travelled breathing in the fresh air as our wishes and dreams ran through our uncluttered mind. The windows were down, the weather was warm and I imagine I smelled the distinct aroma of jasmine drifting through my nostrils.

Actually my nose then did a somersault, it suddenly changed to pig muck and I plummeted back to reality with a fantastical nasal assault from the passing fields. Wow, it really was strong but it was one of those smells that if you immediately shut the windows it would just linger and fight the small air blower in the car for space so we did the wisest thing and kept the windows fully open to allow it to dissipate quickly.

So imagine my surprise when we rounded a bend and ploughed into a brown curtain draped across the road. I say brown curtain, what it actually turned out to be was muck from a muck spreader that was merrily spewing out from a tractor trailer funnel that had not been turned off as the tractor turned in the field.

Oh my.

'Shut the windows! Shut the windows!!!' I screamed to Jayne and we both lunged for the handles. Jayne was quicker and whipped hers up in an instant, I however had to steer the car and wind at the same time which was fine until it approached the top of the window and made a clunk sound firmly dropping the window back down to fully open.

I still hear today the slopping noise as the effluent hit the bonnet, I still recoil as the muck shot through the window plastering my right side in an obnoxious gloop of farmyard glory. I was sick, very sick to add to the smell, texture and flavour for you see my mouth had been open in an incredulous look of someone that had just seen a cow jump over the moon and had been filled accordingly. Globules stuck from my ear, a brown tidal mark hung around my neck and my lap contained what looked like a fresh turd.

Occasionally I have nightmares about this, I wake up in the middle of the night pushing invisible things from my lap and retching uncontrollably, it was probably one of the most singularly disgusting things I have ever had happen to me and believe me, I talk from decades of experience.

That is why I like electric windows, uncluttered and they shoot up in an instant. So imagine my surprise this week when I had a new nightmare after taking years to get over this particular incident. I shall tell you more about it in due course but all I shall say is would you drink a cup of tea made out of your own urine?

More to the point what would you do if you were offered it by strangers to drink THEIR tea made out of THEIR urine?

I'll tell you more as soon as I finish therapy.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Grinding For Fun And Profit

Recently we bought a mini mixer/chopper for the kitchen, it wasn't expensive but it promised to do everything we needed which in our case was to primarily blitz garlic and ginger or tomato into a workable pulp. It looked the part but after using it several times it had a few drawbacks. Firstly it had a ridiculous mechanism that had to be locked in place to work. The bowl had to be twisted in, the blade inserted and locked followed by the lid which again had to be twisted into the correct position. That's three safety devices to ensure you don't lose your fingers and end up with a useless dibber instead.

I understand where they are coming from but please do we really have to have a lengthy set of things to do before you can operate it? How about just including the device in the lid, a much more simpler method and I'm sure as safe as the other two. Anyway the point is that after only four or five times the safety mechanism broke rendering it useless. Natch.

Let's go back to my childhood, in the 70's kitchen devices were made to be lethal, forget safety, it didn't exist, kitchen appliances felt dangerous, felt professional and felt well built too. We had chippers that required a whack of a fist to drive a spud through a square cutter, electric knives that doubled up as power saws and mandolins without finger guards. Even out of the kitchen some of the gadgets that could be bought included a glass cutter to turn beer bottles into ashtrays, a do it yourself barber kit that comprised of a comb that you loaded with razor blades, I remember one occasion at the local market where a stall had gathered quite a crowd as a chap threw tomatoes into the air only to slice them in half ninja style with one of the most wickedest looking kitchen knives I had ever seen' I'm sure it was called a Rambo Bread Blade or something like that. He then went on to tackle cutting a shoe in two and slicing a metal tin and a piece of wood. Boy were these things lethal. Fortunately I didn't have enough pocket money at the time or I might have turned out a knife wielding psycho killer instead that chipped his victims and turned them into novelty ashtrays. Safety? What safety?

The photo above is one of those lethal devices that we still own, and the reason for still owning such a grubby piece of equipment? It works, no faff, no setting up, just plug in and go. Admittedly you can run it without the lid on exposing its lethal blades and the wiring leaves a lot to be desired but after 30 years it still works, chops and does exactly what it should without breaking down. So yesterday I decided to test it out a little and tried a few random things.

Peanuts grind down fine into a nice mushy paste whilst coffee grounds, if you leave the lid off, require a mop and bucket and possibly a stepladder to clean up afterwards. Ice makes a pleasant grinder sound whilst raw meat gives a zombie film sound effect. Bic pens splinter and coat the inside blue, bit difficult to clean after that but on I ventured with frozen peas and plastic soldiers.

See all ready throwing aside safety I was having more fun, so if you are looking for any kitchen appliances and want to fun up your kitchen duties with an electrical version of risk ditch all those fancy safe goods and raid your charity shops and flea markets. Be scared of your microwave with a crack in the door, throw items from a distance into the rotating blade chopper without a lid and see if you can poke your finger in and out of the egg beater whilst it's rotating, I did and I can hold all three fingers I the air to prove what fun I had.

*Suggestions are for fun only unless you wish to lose limbs, fingers, eyesight or relish a visit to A&E every mealtime. I am a trained grinding professional and all the grinding of unusual items was done with the appropriate safety devices in place, basically I dropped stuff in and ran then cleaned up afterwards. If anyone finds my other fingers pop them in the post and mail them to Found Fingerbobs, Limb-B-Gone, PO Box 736.

Doing anything special this Saturday 6th June?

Doing anything special this Saturday 6th June?

Would you like to be an Ambassador for the Impossimals and attend a fabulous night of entertainment acting as our representatives whilst offering yours and our support for a great charity?

Eat wonderful food, enjoy top class entertainment and take part in a great auction at a top five star location and to take away a wonderful goody bag on leaving worth £££'s

Due to other commitments we are unable to attend the Mariposa Ball this year but would love YOU to attend in our place, can you fill our shoes at the Savoy in Manchester this Saturday night!

You do?

Then contact either below for a surprise and more details about the night and why this is a wonderful event to become part of, last years was an absolute blast for us, this year it could be YOU!

Contact

https://www.facebook.com/CCEMClarkCoates

or email us - directors@sayinggoodbye.org

NOW!

Orange-U-Tang

UN-INTELLIBOT

Post your questions below for an immediate answer.

Q. WHY DO WE HAVE BONES?

I mean really, why do we have bones jelly doesn't have bones and that stands up so do bananas. I know there's something hard in my skin but it's not bones. I'm confused.

Rainbow Duckface (14)

A. You are right, we don't really have bones it's all made up by the medical industry so they can sell plaster casts. Ignore the media hype regarding bones we are actually supported inside with an exoskeleton made of adamantium. Your nails are actually very thin slithers of this stuff which is why they can be painted just like a car bonnet. Besides if you didn't have this metal skeleton we wouldn't need doors and the door industry would collapse because we could slide under them.

Q. IF YOU HAVE TWINS DOES IT TAKE TWICE AS LONG?

You know, it's nine months like for one is it eighteen for two or longer?

Unicorn Donkykonk Smith (15 3/4)

A. Twins only occur if you eat a lot of Twixes, as you know they come in identical pairs too. The length of time changes according to how many Twixes you have eaten during your life time, a special formula is used to gauge the 'twin time' before being born.

Amount of Twixes x age + Mars bars consumed / Malteasers = Days until twins are born

Simple once you know, more formulas exist for boys and girls which again is all down to confectionary.

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Hang on, stop this blog. I'm sat here trying to enjoy an orange whilst I type and I couldn't be having any more trouble if I was trying to peel a bowling ball.

The skin is so tight I can hardly get my fingers to it only to remove a piece no bigger than my small nail each time. When I do remove something bigger my fingers start to hurt from the strain. I'm not kidding with this, I have eaten lots of oranges, big ones, small ones, pipless and so full of pips it's like eating a sack of orange flavoured marbles but this one really is the toughest mother orange I have ever had the misfortune to peel.

So I attacked the orange quite viciously but still it's unwielding, this is blogging at its best, live orange peeling, it's that cutting edge it's off the scale. The picture above is eight minutes into the peeling, I'm halfway through and my fingers are hurting. Every little piece is like loosening Sellotape from a roll when you keep losing the end.

Ten full minutes of my life gone peeling a satsuma, hang on folks it doesn't get any more rock'n'roll than this, I couldn't be having more fun right now if I was cleaning the toilet with my head. There's juice everywhere, the whole thing is under so much pressure that the slightest puncture issues forth an orange fountain and gives out a little whistle.

The crummiest thing is that the second skin underneath, the horrible, bitter, flakey pithy skin is still there and has to be peeled off each piece. The centre is even harder to get out, each side has the centre pushed in like a belly button so I can get no finger purchase and had to resort to a compass.

Well that went bleeding well. Twelve minutes later a knackered pithy orange with puncture wounds, the centre still refuses to come out and as you take each segment it decides to rip into pieces. Don't know why I bother, give me a bag of pork scratchings instead.

Then you get eat it; it's that sour that excuse my English it turns your arsehole inside out. This is the sour train from sour town that visited pith station on the way, it's also the first time I have stuck my tongue out enough to touch the end of my nose whilst retching and clenching, something I never thought possible until today. I swear i saw the end of the universe as my eyes rolled back and my sphincter clapped in panic.

It's unedible and binnable, in fact I have come up with a recipe for it.

Orange a la Blasted

Try to peel and lightly toss in the bin.

So if you see a new batch of oranges available in Tesco's that look perfect, tight skinned and deliciously juicy, beware unless you want the fruit version of occupational and electro shock therapy rolled into one I suggest you stick with a banana or indeed those pork scratchings I talked about earlier.

I'm off to scrape the taste out of my mouth with the toilet brush, oh, and push my tongue back in.

Sculptistory

I often forget that a lot of collectors of the Impossimals don't realise that I also produce sculptures on a semi regular basis. This is a selection from over the last ten years, along with this are Lost Impossimal sculptures, Smithy's World Cup home and away Impossimals and the metal rings from 2007. Quite a collection!

Most sculptures come from paintings but the latest pieces such as the Rub-A-Dub Tub and 99 Problems came directly from sculptures I made to produce the painting in the first place.

They all go through a rigorous design stage that makes sure they all look 'Impossimal' in design, I also use this to hide secrets in them too. The above heart shaped 'All You Need Is Love (left)' contains a hidden shadow image, when the light hits it at the correct angle the shadow created is a ring complete with a heart inside, exactly like the 2007 releas 'The Eternal Gift'

'My First Love' the heart holding Impossimal in the top picture was designed to be held very much like you would hold something precious and fits the curves exactly of your hand and chest close to your heart. 99 Problems on the other hand is made to an exact scale to replicate how big and ice cream felt when you were a child, only now you can relive that again as an adult simply by holding the sculpture.

Strange to look back but quietly comforting too, and for the future? Well let's just say it's gone all...

Alice...

Don't forget you can keep up to date with everything Impossimal by joining us on social media, everything Impossimal you could ever want can be found here at http://petersmithcollective.co.uk/social.html

I Believe In Milko, You Sexy Fang

Have you ever been singing to a song only to realise in front of friends that all this time you have been singing the wrong lyrics? I believe in molecules, where you from you sexy thing stood in for Hot Chocolates I believe in miracles for many a year until one fateful I'll get my coat night. It seems as though it's not just me though as a quick look around the internet has thrown up tons more, some far worse than a molecule error.

So pop pickers here's a hastily put together top ten twisted lyrics in reverse orde and with no expense I have included a 'pop' video too!

10. "I believe that the hotdogs go on" from the movie Titanic.

9. "She's got style, she's got grace, she's a wiener." - She's A Lady by Tom Jones

8. "My anus has the centre holed." - Centrefold by J. Geils Band

7. "Like a virgin touched for the thirty first time." - Like A Virgin by Madonna

6. "We built this city on logs and coal" - We Built This City On Rock And Roll by Starship

5. "Hold me closer Tony Danza." - Tiny Dancer by Elton John

4. "She was a fax machine, she kept her modem clean." - You Shook Me All Night Long by AC/DC

3. "I wanna freak out and stab ya." - Abracadabra by the Steve Miller Band

2. "See that girl, watch her scream, kicking the dancing queen" - Dancing Queen by Abba

1. "Might as well face it, you're a dick with a glove." - Addicted To Love by Robert Palmer

Some records just do it themselves though, take this Manfred Man classic...

There she was just a-walkin' down the street, singin' "Do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do" 

Snappin' her fingers and shufflin' her feet, singin' "Do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do" 

...doesn't sound much of a catch does she, I'd give her a wide berth mate.

Time for some Bachman Turner Overdrive. Rock on mateys! 

May Madness!

As part of a bit of May madness I have decided to clear out sections of the studio to make room for all the latest Alice paintings so whilst my brain is in this feverish state of dizzy excitement I'm offering these two personal paintings up to find a new home.

If you would like something quite unusual then these probably fit the bill; both were painted to build up my knowledge of capturing different surfaces and textures, metal, water and gloss on one and glass, smoke, skin and fire on the other.

 'Snow White' 

Oil On Board / 12'' x 12''

 'The King Is Dead, Long Live The King'

Oil On Board / 24'' x 15''

If you are interested in either of these unframed, signed originals then contact us at pete@petersmithcollective.co.uk - it's a first come first served I'm afraid or at least until my fevered brow returns back to normal!