I Ain't Afraid Of No Toast!

CASE NUMBER 435 - DOUBLE TROUBLE

The first we knew of the event was when the Toastbusters hotline rang. A full soft white farmhouse slice apparition had appeared at an undisclosed location, they are terrifying at the best of times but this had a new twist, it was in the shape of Elvis. Witnesses say moments before they glimpsed a power cord snaking around the corner and feared it might be the beginnings of a Toastergiest infestation.

We climbed into Breville One, the official Toastbusters vehicle and loaded our biggest toasting fork and our toastergiest pack.

Specially developed our toastergiest pack contained everything needed for taking down bread based apparitions and Toastergiests. Tongs allows us to keep a safe distance, a wide spatula for crumb capture, a tomato shaped timer so we know when a toastergiest is about to burn and finally a small cheese knife. Actually that last item is just for us, we do like a bit of cheese and Toastbusting is hungry work indeed.

We arrived at the scene, a kitchen in a typical house but the evidence was quite clear, a white bread Elvis, classic Toastergiest grade one activity was still there. Carefully using the spatula we placed it in our click'n'lock lunchbox, specially created to hold sandwich spirits, although not many people know that and use them to keep food fresh, a waste really, they are precision storage units and must not be operated by untrained individuals.

Just then we heard a noise behind us...

A cup had mysteriously appeared on a nearby cupboard, it wasn't there moments ago, at least we don't think it was there, not that we really noticed as another noise made us turn back to where Elvis was found, amazingly our Toastergiest had another trick up its sleeve.

Tea cup lining or as we in the trade call it Teatoplasmic activity, a mild version of Parabiscuit activity. For it to show this amount of Toastergiest activity it must be close.

'There, it's here!, quick!' I yelled as the Toastergiest whipped around a corner. 'Get it before it disappears or worse starts Toastoplasmic Ejection!'

In hot pursuit we chased it up and down the stairs and readied our tongs for a full frontal assault. When all of a sudden it disappeared leaving behind a trail of untoasted medium white in its wake.

It obviously wanted us to follow. Slowly we crept around the house following the bread based path until we had found our way into the hallway. We heard a 'plink' and several white shapes flew past our heads missing by inches. 'Toastoplasmic ejection! watch out one of those things could cause a nasty scuff!' Squares of bread were now furiously flying at us from the lounge, one lethal looking Warburton half and half toastie cruised past at lightening speed taking out our cups of tea.

I stuck the camera around the corner and fired off a quick snap for the records, the Toastergiest was in full ejection activity.

Whipping its flex furiously slice after slice whistled through the air, how much more can we take? Using the spatula as a shield we decided to charge the Toastergiest, if we could jam the tongs in the toasting slots we would have a chance of disabling its defences, only then could we deal with it using our Hoovervax Dust Bag Cyclones, specially developed vacuum cleaners that when the streams are combined create enough suck to strip bark off a tree.

We rushed forward, tongs extended under the merciless assault of a thick crust battering.

It was a trap! Hidden behind the sofa was one of the most feared apparitions, a dreaded Binshee. With a terrible howl that we will never forget it disgorged its entire contents in our direction foiling our attempt and scaring the bejeebers out of us at the same time.

We didn't mean to run but let's be fair, would you want to tackle the fearsome combination of a Toastergiest and Binshee under an assault of crusties?

The case was closed the very next day when the occupant of the property decided they had had enough of Bakernormal activity and asked me not to disclose their location. So on that cheery note if you find a bread Elvis or suddenly find a cup in an odd place, beware, you coud have a Toastergiest.

You have been warned.

Don't have nightmares.

Shoo Me

Free shampoo, free notepad and pencil, free soap, all these pale into insignificance when you enter a hotel room and find a shoe mitt. Shoe mitts are the holy grail of hotel freebies, forget the emergency sewing kit, put aside the complimentary shower cap, shoe mitts are probably the most useful of all the non essential fluff you going to get.

For a start they clean shoes. I know that is obvious but they really are good at doing just that, you even get to slip your hand in the mitt so you can give them a good rub. They really come into their own though when you use them for jobs they were not designed for...

Got a smartphone or PDA? Yes? Shoe mitts make excellent screen cleaners and in some cases are large enough for you to slip your hardware inside to give you a free handy dust cover.

Don't want to lose jewellery in your suitcase? Pop your items in the shoe mitt pouch and not only will it keep them safe it will also buff them up a little too.

They make excellent finger dusters for those hard to reach places such as the top of door frames and awkward light fittings.

Cut a lemon in half, pop it inside the mitt and squeeze. et viola, instant lemon juice minus all the pips.

Got a cold? Use a shoe mitt as an emergency handkerchief, they are soft enough to soothe your nose and tough enough to take the punishment of a good sneeze.

They make excellent sleeping bags for mice and with the addition of a shoelace handle they can also transform into a makeshift shopping bag for cats.

In a culinary emergency assert your authority with the shoe mitts instant chefs hat. Ideal for that f*!?! Gordon Ramsey moment.

During Summer (in the UK I'm referring to the 3rd July, between 1:45pm and 2:12pm, other places may experience a different Summer) use the mitt to apply sun cream without getting your hands all sticky.

In Winter a pair of mitts make excellent mittens, double them up for extra warmth.

Got loads of shoe mitts? Wear them all at the same time to give you a free oven glove.

New potatoes can be safely carried in this miniature potato sack.

Staple one to your favourite armchair to give a pocket for your favourite remote control ensuring you never lose it again.

Attach one to your belt for a wallet scabbard. Bystanders will be amazed as you whip out your wallet just like a sword to pay for that mocha latte frappé double chocalotta large coffee with cream.

Save them for Halloween and hand them out filled with sweets to trick or treaters, after the contents have been scoffed the mitt will ensure they never have dirty shoes again, it's the gift that keeps on giving.

Shoe mitts make excellent shark repellents, I wear mine constantly at home and have never been bitten by a shark yet.

So the next time you are in a hotel room cherish the shoe mitt, save them, use them, you never know when you will need one.

DISCLAIMER - All shoe mitt suggestions should only be carried out by a shoe mitt expert grade one, purple belt. Amateur shoe mitt devotees should just stick to shoe mitt recommended duties for safety reasons. Shoe mitts are not designed to replace boats, edible items and/or people no matter how many eyes you draw on them. Shoe mitts come in various sizes, always choose your shoe mitt carefully to avoid disappointment. Never use shoe mitts to apply make-up or to feed lions. Never leave a shoe mitt unattended after midnight and never EVER feed them popcorn.

This blog has been sponsored by the Save-a-Mitt Foundation, your donation of £6152 a day could save a starving family of Shoe Mitts from a fate worse than buffing. For details of sponsoring a shoe mitt family call 08912-MITTSAVENOW-9861 and ready your credit card.

Knock, Knock, Who's There?

Knock, Knock, Knock... ding!

I picked up the intercom and answered (I know it sounds pretentious but I have this in the studio, it lights up because I wear headphones to paint and can't hear the front door)

'Hi Sir, I'm not selling anything' then why are you here I thought?

'I'm here to check if you have received your grant. I'm not selling anything' I'll be the judge of that young man. I'm often suspicious of these things after a friend of mine brought a set of hankies from a doorstep salesman only to find that the hankies were in fact old knickers trimmed to shape. On the same note I remember another weird event when we discovered a gardener in the front garden trimming our bushes so to speak, only we didn't have a gardener (still don't, I trim my own bush) but he demanded payment for snipping a few things off without our permission so I speak from experience when I said to our doorstop dandy 'I'm not interested thankyou'

'But I need to check you have claimed so I can tick you off our sales list.'
Oops, schoolboy error I think, 'I'm really not interested now thank you very much'

'Ba*tard'

An efficient response that I'm sure was not in his official training manual and he sauntered away in his luminous unmarked jacket with his dodgy I.D. It got me thinking on how much of this you encounter daily and put up with. Now, what I would have liked to have done is chase his ass up and down the street before pushing his clipboard sideways in any suitable orifice for insulting me in my own home but what I did instead is that typical British thing of accepting it. I'm not always like that though but you do find that if you rise to every occasion that life soon becomes a little jaded. Instead I like to have a little fun in these situations.

A few weeks ago I was in a well known supermarket that sounds similar to the fictional Lesco's, when at the checkout I found I was the gooseberry in a three way discussion that was occurring whilst I was being served. I don't mind a bit of chat but this was full on 'I'm not paying attention to you whilst I serve you' chat. Items were rang through twice and I spent most of the time looking at the back of a head. SO I decided to retaliate, at suitable moments I joined in with their private conversation. 'Ooo, did you really, sounds shocking, tell me more', 'was the goat OK?', 'Did you finally get the handcuffs off the dog?'. It works too, as soon as they feel they have been rumbled they become the insulted and the shutters come down. The remaining items are then processes under a steely smouldering gaze.

So today if you get any of this malarkey going off, and there is a lot of it, join in, it's fun and you end up smiling instead of walking away feeling a little insulted. Now where's that clipboard? I have a door knocker to sort out...

Posh Poo

With society on the brink of a moralistic collapse it's time to set things straight with Proper Etiquette, our bi-monthly course in how to talk real proper and do stuff correctly. In today's episode we tackle the thorny issue of public toilets.

Public Conveniences - Use Them Or Not?

When you have got to go you have go to go so unfortunately you will occasionally be in a position where they are unavoidable but a few handy pointers will help you tackle them like a native.

1) Remember, they are public toilets so do not take in reading material even if you are going for a leg numbing session. Instead read what you find in the cubicle, maybe an old discarded cigarette packet or the list of phone numbers offering you a good trembling, all make excellent browsing material without the need to carry a small paperback in your pocket for toilet time.

2) Keep the noise down. There is nothing worse than listening to somebody announcing when the train leaves the station and smashes into the buffers. Instead if you need to make some noise choose an animal according to the severity of your load. For example mooing like a cow is good for a 5mb download but for 10mb hot dogs dropped in the sea you need to to choose something a bit more manly like a walrus. Giraffes are good for long neckers whilst frogs are useful for any surprises. Roaring like a lion is only for the kings of the throne and should only be used when its stuck sideways. Loo Zooing as its called is now quite common so feel free to experiment with different animals out of your comfort zone.

3) Be flexible with hand driers. They are incredibly useful and fun, not only do they dry hands but if you are using one with a rotating head point it up and place your face in the blast. It's just like parachuting without the risk, apart from a healthy injection of germs, but hey, germs are good for you. If you take a few ping pong balls in with you you can load them in before you press start. Try to bounce them into urinals and cubicles, place stickers on each denoting score and keep a running total for extra fun.

If its a Dyson air blade it's advisable not to dip anything else in them other than your hands no matter how tempting. The have been known to remove objects with ease. Also no hand standing if your drier does not rotate, instead take a length of flexible tubing to attach that can be safely tucked into your trousers for a stimulating warm sensation.

4) Be aware of others. You may leave the door open at home but it's not the norm in public. Equally, opening the door as someone passes to tell them 'Give me a few minutes mate, I've got a barrow load to shift' is also frowned upon. The correct greeting upon flinging open a door whilst your seated is 'Want this one? I've warmed it up.'. Really the only time you can leave your door open is if your watching if your starter has arrived.

5) If all the cubicles are taken don't suffer in silence. Rattling all the doors will hasten any sitters, to really speed them up stand as close to the cubicle as you can so your shoes pop underneath the door, then make small scratching sounds with your nails before gripping the top of the door as though you are about to pull yourself up. They will be up and out before you know it.

6) The public is quite used to attention seeking after watching program's like Got Talent and that other wretched thing so join in the fun. Play The Voice game, upon entering any public toilet see if you can break wind in an impressive way to make four people turn around, variations of this game can be played on the bus, in a library or even during a wedding service. Toilet train is another game but for this you will need to be in an end cubicle. Unhook the toilet roll and holding onto one end roll it across the floor and under the other cubicles. See how many cubicle carriages you can roll it through before it either hits a sitter or other object.

Trendy people are turning to a new phenomenon, Boom Boxing. The idea is that the cubicle is your recording studio and you have been asked to produce the biggest splash you can. Participants are not allowed to drop foreign objects into the toilet so it's all about height, targeting and trajectory. Players have been known to take in furniture and even small step ladders to increase the solid boom. Scores are awarded by how many people are stopped in their tracks upon hearing the sound.

7) That's about it really, just remember the simple rule mirror, signal, manoeuvre upon exiting and check for excess baggage in the glove box, nobody thanks a toilet snail with its white tissue trail. Tomorrow urinal handstands and dealing with pizza deliveries to your cubicle.

Get Ready To ROAR!

On Sunday get ready to greet our GoGoDragon 'Knickerbockergloria' sponsored by Bluebird Care as she arrives at her special VIP place outside the Apple Store in the Chappelfields complex, Norwich. With footfall of over 20,000 people a day she will be hard to ignore!

Taking over six weeks to complete she was created using a variety of techniques; acrylic and oil paint for her body, ceramics for her snowflake wings and a hard wearing glitter coat covered in resin to finish off, she even has several scoops of ice cream placed in the curve of her tail, again made out of clay and resin finished. Her central freezer unit was first created as a miniature model so we could see both sides of it and the same effect was then transferred to her body. Simply stand on one side and look through at all the ice creams, go to her opposite side and you see an accurate view back as if she was really in 3D. Incredible fun to do and lots of hidden things to discover in her painting and decoration should you get chance to see her in all her glory.

Dragon trail maps are already available online and off line and thousands are expected to hunt them all down over the next three months in a dragon frenzy. Knickerbockergloria also features in a special dragon sticker book and postcard souvenir collection available from many locations throughout Norwich.

Knickerbockergloria is indeed a special dragon; she's an ice cream dragon who lives under Mariners Hill in Blakeney, Norfolk just behind the ice cream parlour. To celebrate her association with ice cream you will be able to buy a special Knickerbockergloria ice cream creation from Ronaldo Ices, just look for their special ice cream barrows. The sale of each Knickerbockergloria ice cream contributes directly to the Break charity and is extremely yummy too!

Knickerbockergloria has a few secrets of her own, if you have a NFC enabled phone simply scan her body for secret NFC activation areas to learn more about her story and see if you can identify all her hidden ice creams, some familiar others taken from history.

WIN WIN WIN!!!!!

Now the fun bit WE want YOU to VISIT Knickerbockergloria and do something for us, HAVE YOUR PHOTO TAKEN with her and ROAR!!!!! at the same time! The best photo at the end of the three months WINS the original Knickerbockergloria OIL PAINTING signed by both of us worth £1000!!!!

HOW TO GET YOUR PHOTO OF KNICKERBOCKERGLORIA TO US

Post on Facebook and tag us or Knickerbockergloria

Or

Post on Twitter and include @impossimal or @sapphire1dragon

Or

Post on Instagram and hashtag #impossimal

Or

Post of the World Of Impossimals Facebook page

Or

Simply send your photo to pete@petersmithcollective.co.uk

It's that simple!

1. Find Knickerbockergloria

2. Take a photo of you ROARING with her

3. Send it to us or tag us

4. Cross your fingers!

The more creative the better but don't worry we will take every photo into account and include the best later on in the year as part of the Mission Impossimal magazine release!

Knickerbockergloria will appear on the 21st June, go find her and good luck!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Your Horoscope For Today

The mists are clearing, the spirit world has spoken, I Ali Umbongo have spoken and the heavens have shown the celestial path and the gherkin of foretelling has sweet and sour predictions. Using careful study of the universe and no guessing whatsoever let the miracle begin...

Aries - A varied day ahead, you will be chased by a tribe of head hunters down the high street only to find a pound coin in the doorway that you use to hide. Boa constrictors will play some part in a chance meeting with your future partner in crime. Together you will mastermind a bungled bank job and receive a life sentence for using the word piano inappropriately.

Taurus - Your bull headedness will increase, by tea time you will have horns and a swishy tail. Avoid china shops, red items and gaily dressed individuals with pointy hats and swords. Oh, and circular arenas. Maybe a good time for a nose piercing.

Gemini - Now is the chance to expand your waistline. Being a twin theoretically means you have two stomachs and twice the metabolism so trough away guilt free safe in the knowledge that your spiritual twin will be taking all those calorie hits! I also predict that at some point today you will read this with your eyes open proving that all this is true. Believe my green gherkin hide, I tell the truth!

Cancer - A chance encounter with a vacuum cleaner and a donkey will catapult you on to next weeks X-Factor where you will be laughed at mercilessly as you try to sing Little Donkey in the style of Jay-Z. Miraculously after spilling the beans about your childhood upbringing full of deprivation and tales of living for years in a bin you get to go to boot camp. You then find out the real use for a donkey and a vacuum cleaner and it will take another thirty years of therapy to remove the mental scars of Tommy Walsh.

Leo - You will be petted by passersby until you remove somebody's arm outside Greggs. After this you will need a lion down to get over it.

Virgo - Waking this morning from the dream you had last night of eating the worlds biggest marshmallow you will find your pillow has disappeared. Virgo is gentle and delicate and prefers to stand back and analyse before stepping in, you prefer the company of goats and the colour of hiccups, which of course is Burple.

Libra - With a star sign that sounds like a cheap alcoholic drink you are probably need a quick 'nip' to get you through the day. I don't blame you really, today is a shocker. I f you could see what I could see, my god it's really is going to be bad. Shockanory is one way to describe it. Good luck!

Impossimal -  You are a gentle person living in a gentle world, the fact that you have a rotund body, stripes, a long nose and no mouth pose no problems and you are perfectly capable of handling important items like macaroons, hearts and rabbits.

Scorpio - Today is nude day for all Scorpio star signs so shed those clothes and march proudly into work wearing nothing but your birthday suit. Be careful though if your occupation uses power tools, or hot water. Firemen and Policemen may, as a sign of their position, wear a helmet. However if you are a doctor you must remain naked and greet your patients with the words 'Lovely to get the air round my flue, how can I help you?'

Sagittarius - After an early start your day your commute to work will involve several wilder beasts, a dachshund called Derek and a twenty seven piece orchestra. The works photocopier will only photocopy body parts which you will then send to Mystic Gherkin, PO Box 53536, Astral Plane 25, The Universe, for my perusal. Oh my! Please excuse the shaky typing.

Capricorn - Your guaranteed winning lucky lotto numbers are 23,14,17,1,2,9. *Guaranteed to win!! (*may take 52 million draws over many centuries but at some point they will win, you saw it here first!) The most gullible of star signs you will eventually work out why dogs can't look up and why putting your finger in your ear when you swallow will cause your other ear to pop. Also beware, if you place your finger in your belly button and turn anti clockwise your bottom will fall off.

Aquarius - You will be banned from the swimming baths for urinating in the water after being caught by the attendant. Next time don't do it from the side, wait until you get in. Further embarrassment will occur when you mistakenly ask at the hairdressers for a pullet rather than a mullet and up looking like a cock.

Pisces - Now is the time to take on a new challenge and become Le Petomane a professional flatulist - bottom wind performer to the stars. Amaze and shock your friends in equal measures as you skilfully recreate the bombardment of Port Arthur, a buzz saw, popping corks and the sound of a creaking door. End your performance by blowing out a candle from ten feet away with careful control.

The mists have fallen and the Mystic Gherkin is silent once again. Placed in its esteemed position at the back of the kitchen cupboard it will return to predict when Christmas will occur (sometime around the 25th of December) and the outcome of the world record attempt to place an elephant on a matchstick whilst it's balanced on Mr T's nose.

CLASSIFIEDS

Anne Ole Joike - Singer, book for stag, club, parties. Own teeth.

B.D. Biddlesworth - Victorian Dad, hire for children's parties. Makes sure children are seen and not heard. Specialities include balloon bursting, castor oil tasting and spanking. Comes complete with cane.

Emma Dreaming & Arthur White - Ideal for Xmas parties, for additional fee Chris Muss will attend to make a trio. Pixie dress optional extra.

Crap presenter required for old BBC car show, no time wasters or Chris Evans please. 

Sunday 21st June, Knickerbockergloria appears outside the Apple store in Chappelfields, Norwich for a game of ROAR, more details soon! @sapphire1dragon. #gogodragons2015 

Well, That Was Unexpected

Cue the mysterious dancing girl and weird music it's that time again to enter the unknown with Stories Of The Unexpected, the more unexpected than tales of the unexpected which you never expected that they could get more unexpected.

THE BOX

Thirty long years he had been saving, thirty years of hard times, thirty years of living the life of a pauper, lonely and miserable but he had to have it. The little box in the pawn brokers window didn't look particularly attractive, indeed, it's mahogany exterior decorated with several silver flowers adorning the side looked quite ordinary. The lid was a combination of copper and bronze, carefully etched with the same decorative flowers held in place by two small hinges. The box was locked, a sign next to the box simply said 'key missing, contents unknown' but the cost of owning this small insignificant box was out of proportion.

He knew the box. Putting his hand in his pocket he pulled out a small gold key which glinted in the morning sun, multi faceted it's bow was also shaped just like the flowers decoration allowing a delicate touch when turning it in the lock. How he had imagined this day, finally being able to call it his own, finally turning the key on the box that would change his life forever.

As he approached the pawn brokers door he paused, savouring the moment, remembering the hardships he had endured, friends he had lost, enemies he had gained and now his pursuit was almost over. He turned the handle and pushed open the door.

A gigantic wave hit him full in the face followed by a pirate ship with full rigging as the entire Pacific Ocean poured through the door. He was found dead next to a small dolphin with half an urchin up his nose.

LAST BUS

Dashing down the street he saw the bus pull away, the last bus of the night had gone. 'Damn!' said David as he looked at his watch, it had left early leaving him a three mile walk in darkness. The batteries in his phone dwindled and expired as he started to dial making a miserable night more miserable indeed.

Still, the walk would do him good he thought to himself. It had been a difficult night, the argument had gone badly and they had both parted with hasty words and emotional wounds that would take time to heal. Concentrating putting one foot in front of the other he trudged away endlessly replaying the argument in his head. He never noticed the bus stationary in the road ahead until he was almost upon it. It stood quietly it's lights a beacon in the darkness it's engine stilled, its seats empty.
'Wha?' said David, suddenly stirred into life. He slowed down as he approached the back of the bus, it was empty that was obvious but there was something else about it, a peculiar smell that reminded him of something. Something he had smelt before, now what was it, there, that's it, a perfume. He remembered smelling it earlier that evening, that smell, it was her perfume.

He climbed aboard, the smell was getting stronger. Where was it coming from? Where was everybody? It smelt stronger upstairs, with each step it became more powerful, almost overpowering as he reached the top and froze. Seated at the front of the bus was a figure, from the back he could see it had long flowing golden ringlets of hair. Ringlets of hair just like Judith! Judith, who he had left crying into those ringlets less than an hour ago. 'Judith?' he said as he slowly approached the figure. 'Judith is that you?' The smell by now was intoxicating, he reached out and touched the figures shoulder...

The figure immediately spun around just as a elephant in fancy dress crashed through the roof of the bus flattening David.

BUCKET LIST

The field had been ploughed a thousand times that he could do it like clockwork, it was only as he turned around the plough that he noticed his last run had unearthed an object that reflected light back into his cab. It was not unusual, things had been found in the field before, a few coins, pottery, stuff like that so as he climbed down it was more of an inconvenience than a chance to make a discovery.

There in one of the furrows was a bucket, not just any bucket, this bucket looked brand new. 'Strange' he thought, 'Didn't see that when I drove down, looks new too.' He bent over to pick the bucket up. He couldn't no matter how hard he tugged or pulled. The bucket was seemingly fixed to the floor or extraordinarily heavy. 'Well if that ain't the darnedest thing ever!'. Nothing would budge it, nothing except my tractor he thought. He looped the chain over the bucket handle and attached it to the tractor. Back in the cab he started the engine and began to steadily pull away, as the chain became more taught a disturbance came from the bushes when out stepped a moustached duck with a stick of dynamite and blew up the farmer with his tractor.

Thank you for watching Stories Of The Unexpected, remember the unexpected always happens unexpectedly usually when it's unexpected. Don't unexpect to have nightmares!

*May Contain Fantasy Ballcocks

I recently purchased a small portable radiator for the studio to help with Jayne's ceramic work; it's a simple affair, you plug it I and it gets warm, not hot, just warm so you could put your hand in it all day and not get burnt. Hey, you can even kick it over and it's safe and there are no nasty places to insert objects to cause injury. So I was quite surprised when I read the instructions.

The appliance apparently is not to be used by persons with reduced mental capacity, physical injuries or sensory deprivation. Sounds a bit harsh, basically if you're hungover it's a no, no then. I mean, what type of reduced mental capacity are we thinking of? Does that mean if you have forgot where you have put the car keys you cannot switch it on? It carries on too; lack of experience and knowledge is also listed as a reason not to flick the switch unless, get this, unless you have been trained by a person responsible for your safety. I agree in principle that I may need looking after at some point, or every day as Jayne would say but I think it stretches the point a bit to have a trained safety specialist on hand to turn a flipping dial on a £19.95 heater that gets no warmer than a buttered crumpet.

Still, it seems to be a trend, I happen to catch an advert the other day for a product, I forget what it was but it's something like a toilet fresher or something but it was animated and featured lots of fairy tale stuff. Splashed across the bottom was a disclaimer. 'Product advertised features Fairy Tale dramatisation' 

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought it was real when that unicorn flew out of the toilet and Rapunzel used her hair to clean the lavatory bowl. I'll certainly think twice when I sit down now just in case i accidentally crush the Borrowers and I'll certainly be sure to shoo away Billy Goat Gruff from the U-bend first before I settle down for a good crap.

Honestly! I must go now, there's Pinocchio waving his nose to me from the garden and I must join him as we are going to Cinderella's ball where she has got some safety glass slippers for me to try providing I agree to the disclaimer for glass slipper tomfoolery. Here's my pumpkin radiator coach now pulled by six mice dressed as butlers all carrying bottles of demestos.

*Today's blog features fairy tale dramatisation and reference to alcohol. Contains infrequent innuendo's, slightly amusing sentences and sometimes facts. We do not endorse cleaning any toilet with your own hair or the wearing of glass slippers, especially when under the influence of alcohol. This disclaimer is not for people with reduced little fingers, if your little finger is littler than your middle finger then please find a suitably digitally trained individual to train you to read this disclaimer. Hickory dickory dock, the mice ran up the clock, the clock struck one and the others got away with minor injuries and just where in Humpy Dumpty does it say he was an egg?

Lost & Found

With only six weeks left I'm pushing time to complete what I set out to do last November and finish a body of work that goes way beyond anything I have attempted before. Two of the pieces have taken me six months to complete, the remaining four need to be done by the end of July and I'm feeling the pressure.

Bloodlines, the last Lost Impossimal collection was a mammoth task, with numerous models and props used to create the scenes, Lost Alice is that times ten. So far I have built a six foot long tea party, an eight and a half foot rabbit hole and parts of Wonderland normally not seen before including a completely bonkers Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee piece that uses hammers to make a point. Over a thousand pieces of sculpture has been created to populate the scenes and each character has its own maquette for reference with four being selected to transform into full sculptures as part of the tour.

So yes, it's a major job but one I'm thoroughly enjoying along the way. Jayne has joined me on this journey helping to create a lot of the background material and indeed designing and creating two special pieces herself which will run along side the releases in the galleries.

Gallery appearances are being sorted as we speak and we should get chance to visit some of the galleries we have not returned to for a number of years. All exciting stuff and it all starts in September when the madness of Alice meets the Impossimals for what promises to be a memorable collection of the surreal!

Oh, and before I forget there is just one other bit of news; the Impossimals are currently in Las Vegas. Just why and what they are doing there will be revealed shortly...

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Holiday Companion

I am Travel-Tron, your handy app to help you on your world travels in our International multicultural world. I detect that you are in England and I have adjusted my common phrases to help you. Please find my helpful suggestions to situations you may find in the countries you will visit.
Spain

'Vine aquí para una cerveza y una pelea y me he quedado sin cervezas'

I came here for a beer and a fight and I'm all out of beers.

'Disculpe señor, hay un toro en mi habitación con un sombrero de pequeña'

Excuse me sir, there is a bull in my room wearing a small hat.

'La última cosa que recuerdo es cantar como Doris Day y correr desnudo por el vestíbulo, ¿podría decirme cómo llegar al baño más cercano como me temo que puedo lanzar'

The last thing I remember is singing like Doris Day and running naked through the foyer, could you please direct me to the nearest toilet as I fear I may hurl

I detect you are about to embark to Brazil, here are some useful Portuguese phrases, it may be useful to copy them out on small cards to hold up as you will have difficulty saying them with your northern accent.

Brazil
Me gustaría informar que he perdido mi peine durante los disparos, gritos y sirenas afuera de mi puerta anoche antes de ser degradado por varios hombres enmascarados que me ataban a la cama y saquearon mi equipaje. He tenido ese hombre peine y el niño, si alguien se lo da en por favor me informen inmediatamente.

I would like to report I have lost my comb during the gunfire, screams and sirens outside my door last night before it was broken down by several masked men who tied me to the bed and ransacked my luggage. I have had that comb man and boy, if anybody hands it in please inform me immediately.

¿Sabes Copacabana de Barry Manilow, oigo su una melodía pegadiza.

Do you know Copacabana by Barry Manilow, I hear its a catchy tune.

Haga el favor de liberar mis bolas, que escuece.

Will you please release my balls, it smarts.

Usted es un hombre!

You are a man!

According to your Facebook posts we have automatically linked to this app we see you are about to go to Skegness, here's some traditional translations for you to try on the locals.

Skegness

Alrate yoof, note rammel in skeggy

Are you alright young man? There's nothing rubbish in Skegness.

Avin a piddle up jitty

Relieving oneself in a small alleyway

Other words you may find useful

Snap - food, lunch, Blubber - to cry or weep, Mash - to brew as in 'mash a cup of tea'. Not to be tried south of Birmingham as you will end up with a mug full of potato.

Usefull terms to remember when visiting Willy Wonka's factory.

A Tummyscrummy

A delightful piece of confection that makes your stomach sing

The Wangfoodle Room

A place where Foodle is created by several Wangs who knit Foodle from candy floss and liquorice laces.

Tastetinglingtonguetiedstrawberrychocbomb

Wonka's latest invention the Tastetinglingtonguetiedstrawberrychocbomb, a sugar coated almond sized sweet that tastes of strawberry which then melts away to an ice cream coating still frozen before the heat of your tongue activates the chocolate center which then explodes coating the inside of your mouth with some of the most fantastic chocolate you have ever tasted.


VISITING BRITAIN

You require a license to own a dog. Black and white canines such as border collies have cheaper licenses than their colour counterparts whilst any dog under four inches is free of licensing but must be declared 'off road' using form DVF 5142.

Libraries are are the only areas in the UK that allow the public breaking of wind and are thus kept quiet for that purpose. Particularly loud emissions can sometimes be applauded but please refrain from using language such as 'How's about that then?' to gain extra attention.

Inside each red postbox is a postman. If you require a stamp or need to post a letter you must address the occupant of the postbox directly by talking through the slot provided.

The currency in the UK is the British Pound so shopkeepers and restaurants will be more than happy to accept one pound of vegetable as payment, some may even encourage certain greenery. Burger joints for example will only accept payment in pounds of gherkins whilst banks like large deposits of bananas. It is not uncommon to pay taxi drivers in pounds of grapes.

Expect rain.

Due to the inclement weather all umbrellas are shared so should it rain and you see an unattended brolly feel free to take it. Some shops even have displays ready for the taking and make ideal places to find an umbrella in an amusing colour.

It is customary to queue in the United Kingdom. If you start at the back and gradually push people out of the way you are considered a true citizen, however if you immediately push in at the front you are considered a member of the upper class and will be applauded and people may want to shake your hand.

Whilst using the roads in the United Kingdom it is required by law to carry certain items in your car for an emergency. The following items are :

A torch, preferably one similar to the Olympic torch of which many can be found on eBay.

Six eggs and one chicken.

Twenty garden gnomes. Any less is considered a serious offence, statutory sentences for under twenty gnomes start at a year in prison for each gnome under the required amount.

A football signed by a premier footballer.

A flask of tea and crumpets.

A travelling rug.

One Carry On Film DVD

A Corgi called Colin.

Public transport is provided but It's often more handy to use the special public transport stopping places to board. Look for sets of lights that change colour, they can normally found at busy junctions. A green light means no boarding, amber informs you to get ready. When red shows all vehicles stop to allow passengers to board or exit the vehicle. Simply choose your vehicle, pull open the door and occupy the nearest seat for your journey. Instruct your driver to your destination and add the words 'Now! Or there's going to be trouble' to be whisked away swiftly and enjoy your ride.

Stately homes are just that, homes for the state and so can be occupied for free. They even come fully furnished with all the mod cons although you may have to share it with paying guests called 'visitors'.

To blend in with British society you need to be a follower of fashion. Current trends include duck lips and massive back racks both achieved by large injections of Botox. The wearing of white Y-Fronts, white socks and black shoes with nothing else but a bowler hat is considered the highest fashion in the land for both sexes.

Visitors looking for love may attract the opposite sex by standing in a public place shouting out some romantic prose at passers by. Current romantic literature to shout out in public is 50 Shades of Grey.

Thankyou for using Travel-Tron, further country translation packs are available at 0.69p each. Just added Sweary Mary for four letter fun in any language, buy two and get Slur Translator absolutely free, decipher any language no matter how drunk they are.

Proper Speak Liek Posh Peple

Welcome to the University Of Proper English, we aim to educate our students in the principles of using the correct grandma and how to avoid embarrassing shiitake from over enthusiastic spell chequers.

During our six week coarse you will lean how to spot mistakes as they happened. From spelling errors to languish difficulties our tutors will expertly use simple tech niches to a void pot and tail problems.

LESSON ONE

Highlight the problem areas in this paragraph.

As she mowed his grass he bought out the flowers. They were in pots and ready to plant in the ground now the soil was conditioned with shovels of fresh top soil. He popped his loam into the freshly dug hole before planting the flowers.

This should be quite easy, the above paragraph is nearly all incorrect, of coarse it should really reed, after the correct spell cheque has bean applied like this;

As she moaned, his ass bough tight then flowed. There were inputs and ready to punt the grind now the oil was condoned with shuttles of fresh tit oil. He dropped his load into the freakish bunghole before planning the flow hers.

LESS ONE TWO

Fill in the miss zing word.

A) She f___s like a barn door in a storm.

B) I helped my uncle J__k off a horse.

C) My c__k is the size of a saveloy.

How did you do?

A) the young lady is obviously prone to worrying, the correct word is FLAPS, she flaps like a barn door in a storm.

B) As the uncle is Scottish and has trouble dismounting from equines the correct answer is JOCK, I helped my uncle Jock off a horse.

C) Being facially challenged the gentleman is referring to his nose, or CONK as it can be called. My conk is the size of a saveloy.

LESSON TREE

Sometimes it is useful to use short abbreviations to get a massage a cross, watt do these mean?

A) Lol

B) Rotfl

C) Yolo

D) Thx

E) xxx

AN SWEARS

Were you right?

A) Lol - Languish our linguine, a term used in Italian restraints to describe past her.

B) Rotfl - Really out to find love, an endearing term used between couples.

C) Yolo - Yes, outlaw leftover onions. Used by vegetable activists to get a point across about wastage.

D) Thx - To hear xylophones. Sufferers of xylophonitus or stylophonitus use the term to describe their eternal suffering of a background noise featuring disturbing tones often produced by a bearded man. Sufferers can also be prone to Glockenspielinotion, the fear of four wheeled glockenspiels.

E) xxx - No,no,no! Or Wrong, wrong,wrong! A negative term used to inform someone if they are incorrect.

LEASON FORE

What are they?

A) Pushing Sucker

B) Dog Mermaids

C) Spinny Windies

ANNE SWEARS

A) A vacuum cleaner

B) Seals

C) Electric Fans

Now that you half sampled our land gauge coarse you can apply on line at www.werds4pleasuring.com with our sceptical starting offer of only £49.99 per month.

Apply two day and receive our math metrics coarse abs lute lay three.

No moor milkshakes, no pour spilling, comes whiff a sat his faction garden tea or your monkey Bach.

Are Friends Electric?

Many, many years ago not too long after I had passed my test we decided on a little jaunt out into the countryside in our second hand motor, a small blue Metro. Ok,ok I know it was probably the crappiest car around being nothing more than a tin bath on wheels but it had several things you would find missing from a car today. Firstly it had a manual choke, or a handbag holder as some people would wittily call it and secondly it had wind down windows complete with little handle.

I loved wind down windows. Notice I said 'loved' because one incident made me unlove them so much on our countryside jaunt that fine day. We had visited a local attraction, had a lovely day so decided to take a nice leisurely route through winding country roads. Up hill and down dale we travelled breathing in the fresh air as our wishes and dreams ran through our uncluttered mind. The windows were down, the weather was warm and I imagine I smelled the distinct aroma of jasmine drifting through my nostrils.

Actually my nose then did a somersault, it suddenly changed to pig muck and I plummeted back to reality with a fantastical nasal assault from the passing fields. Wow, it really was strong but it was one of those smells that if you immediately shut the windows it would just linger and fight the small air blower in the car for space so we did the wisest thing and kept the windows fully open to allow it to dissipate quickly.

So imagine my surprise when we rounded a bend and ploughed into a brown curtain draped across the road. I say brown curtain, what it actually turned out to be was muck from a muck spreader that was merrily spewing out from a tractor trailer funnel that had not been turned off as the tractor turned in the field.

Oh my.

'Shut the windows! Shut the windows!!!' I screamed to Jayne and we both lunged for the handles. Jayne was quicker and whipped hers up in an instant, I however had to steer the car and wind at the same time which was fine until it approached the top of the window and made a clunk sound firmly dropping the window back down to fully open.

I still hear today the slopping noise as the effluent hit the bonnet, I still recoil as the muck shot through the window plastering my right side in an obnoxious gloop of farmyard glory. I was sick, very sick to add to the smell, texture and flavour for you see my mouth had been open in an incredulous look of someone that had just seen a cow jump over the moon and had been filled accordingly. Globules stuck from my ear, a brown tidal mark hung around my neck and my lap contained what looked like a fresh turd.

Occasionally I have nightmares about this, I wake up in the middle of the night pushing invisible things from my lap and retching uncontrollably, it was probably one of the most singularly disgusting things I have ever had happen to me and believe me, I talk from decades of experience.

That is why I like electric windows, uncluttered and they shoot up in an instant. So imagine my surprise this week when I had a new nightmare after taking years to get over this particular incident. I shall tell you more about it in due course but all I shall say is would you drink a cup of tea made out of your own urine?

More to the point what would you do if you were offered it by strangers to drink THEIR tea made out of THEIR urine?

I'll tell you more as soon as I finish therapy.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Grinding For Fun And Profit

Recently we bought a mini mixer/chopper for the kitchen, it wasn't expensive but it promised to do everything we needed which in our case was to primarily blitz garlic and ginger or tomato into a workable pulp. It looked the part but after using it several times it had a few drawbacks. Firstly it had a ridiculous mechanism that had to be locked in place to work. The bowl had to be twisted in, the blade inserted and locked followed by the lid which again had to be twisted into the correct position. That's three safety devices to ensure you don't lose your fingers and end up with a useless dibber instead.

I understand where they are coming from but please do we really have to have a lengthy set of things to do before you can operate it? How about just including the device in the lid, a much more simpler method and I'm sure as safe as the other two. Anyway the point is that after only four or five times the safety mechanism broke rendering it useless. Natch.

Let's go back to my childhood, in the 70's kitchen devices were made to be lethal, forget safety, it didn't exist, kitchen appliances felt dangerous, felt professional and felt well built too. We had chippers that required a whack of a fist to drive a spud through a square cutter, electric knives that doubled up as power saws and mandolins without finger guards. Even out of the kitchen some of the gadgets that could be bought included a glass cutter to turn beer bottles into ashtrays, a do it yourself barber kit that comprised of a comb that you loaded with razor blades, I remember one occasion at the local market where a stall had gathered quite a crowd as a chap threw tomatoes into the air only to slice them in half ninja style with one of the most wickedest looking kitchen knives I had ever seen' I'm sure it was called a Rambo Bread Blade or something like that. He then went on to tackle cutting a shoe in two and slicing a metal tin and a piece of wood. Boy were these things lethal. Fortunately I didn't have enough pocket money at the time or I might have turned out a knife wielding psycho killer instead that chipped his victims and turned them into novelty ashtrays. Safety? What safety?

The photo above is one of those lethal devices that we still own, and the reason for still owning such a grubby piece of equipment? It works, no faff, no setting up, just plug in and go. Admittedly you can run it without the lid on exposing its lethal blades and the wiring leaves a lot to be desired but after 30 years it still works, chops and does exactly what it should without breaking down. So yesterday I decided to test it out a little and tried a few random things.

Peanuts grind down fine into a nice mushy paste whilst coffee grounds, if you leave the lid off, require a mop and bucket and possibly a stepladder to clean up afterwards. Ice makes a pleasant grinder sound whilst raw meat gives a zombie film sound effect. Bic pens splinter and coat the inside blue, bit difficult to clean after that but on I ventured with frozen peas and plastic soldiers.

See all ready throwing aside safety I was having more fun, so if you are looking for any kitchen appliances and want to fun up your kitchen duties with an electrical version of risk ditch all those fancy safe goods and raid your charity shops and flea markets. Be scared of your microwave with a crack in the door, throw items from a distance into the rotating blade chopper without a lid and see if you can poke your finger in and out of the egg beater whilst it's rotating, I did and I can hold all three fingers I the air to prove what fun I had.

*Suggestions are for fun only unless you wish to lose limbs, fingers, eyesight or relish a visit to A&E every mealtime. I am a trained grinding professional and all the grinding of unusual items was done with the appropriate safety devices in place, basically I dropped stuff in and ran then cleaned up afterwards. If anyone finds my other fingers pop them in the post and mail them to Found Fingerbobs, Limb-B-Gone, PO Box 736.