I Is Posh Innit?

We all could do with brushing up our etiquette skills so this handy guide will help you become the perfect 'Come Dine With Me' guest. At no expense I have enlisted the help of Reginald Oscar Smyth Smyth Ponsonby Wooster Comfy Cushion, a renowned butler to the stars to compile this etiquette bible.

Manners

Maintain the correct posture at all times. Hold onto your cutlery with both elbows on the table so they remain at ninety degrees. Bang them occasionally if the food is not arriving fast enough. All drinks must be slurped, the same goes for soup and spaghetti.

When dining it is acceptable, indeed encouraged by people of a certain social standing to gobble your food as fast as possible, achieve it at greater speed by moving all the food to create a line down the centre of the plate then dispensing of all cutlery pick up the said plate and tip the food into your mouth, eat this with your mouth open at all times. Once complete burp loudly, pass wind if you can and announce that it was indeed fine grub and you will be passing a mountain tomorrow when it gets through your system. This acts as an indicator to your hosts that you are indeed enjoying their food and your manner dictates that you come from a privileged background. 

Seating

Sit down. Anywhere you like, even at the head of the table or next to a guest you have taken a shine too. Talk about medical procedures, illness, religion and sex freely, boast about everything and interrupt other guests as they will find it amusing. Get up and get yourself another drink if you are running dry and feel free to pop in to the kitchen and interfere with the cooking, adding salt if required. Forget napkins, tuck the table cloth into your clothing and wipe your hands on the curtains.

Some Do's for the table

DO spit unwanted food into plant pots, hankies etc.

DO kick other guests under the table.

DO rest your arms on the back of other guests chairs.

Eating

Talk with your mouthful to keep the conversation going. Point at fellow guests with your knife to get your point across and drop the occasional piece of cutlery so you can legitimately get under the table and have a look around. Make sure your elbows hit fellow guests when eating and don't forget to hit them on the back after you tell a raunchy joke.

In between courses it is permissible to pick your teeth or nose, use anything that is at hand, toothpicks, matches and spoons are your friend. Photograph courses and post them on Facebook and Instagram with witty captions like "For what I am about to receive the pigs have just refused" and "lol". If you don't like something make a fuss, hosts like nothing better than a guest that speaks their mind. Don't like turnips? then tell them they have cooked the most awful food you have ever tasted in your life and spit it back out onto your plate.

Food and how to tackle it.

Asparagus - long thin and green you may not be familiar with this, put one up each nostril and scare the host by hiding behind a door if you wish to be flash, otherwise just pick it up and push it in like one long train, it is considered offensive to bite it before it is all inserted. Quiz fellow guests on wether asparagus makes their pee smell and ask for proof.

Cheese - no matter what cheeses are presented always massacre them before other guests by cutting them into small pieces no bigger than 1cm square. Soft cheeses may of course be flattened by using the back of a spoon or a side plate.

Escargots - snails. Flatly refuse to eat snails as they remind you of Brian the Snail from The Magic Roundabout. Have a hissy fit if any other guests eat one and proclaim they have murdered Brian. Stab them in the back of the hand with a fork if they try to eat another.

Fish - if its not fish fingers its not real fish so avoid all 'fresh' fish as imposters. If you must eat fish cover it in brown sauce first to mask the unnatural 'fishy' taste.

Spillages

If you spill red wine immediately take the white wine and throw it over your host for good luck and to further increase your luck throw salt onto the stain and rub it in. Apply brown or red sauce to detract from the awful red wine colour you will leave, a splash of colour never hurt any one.

Drink

Yes please! Champagne corks should be fired off at any fragile objects, breaking ornaments with corks is a skill admired by many so shake any bottles of fizz before opening for maximum force. Guests at the end of a night should be incapable of coherrant speech and walk as if their legs have not been introduced to each other, if this is not the case make sure you have a skin full before dining. Spiking drinks is considered a hoot as is shot gunning.

Useful Dinner Party Phrases

'Nice spread' Polite way to compliment a guest.

'Are you a leg or breast man?' Useful for chicken courses.

'I'll have a bit of dick please' Common phrase for a popular pudding.

'Get your baps out' Use when asking for bread rolls.

'I see you don't do cooking' Use when any course lacks pazazz.

'Quiet everyone, quiet. There's someone at the door' Pleasant way to announce the breaking of wind.

What To Wear

For fancy dress go naked with bits of sand paper over your naughty bits for a unique take on Dick Emery, otherwise go dressed exactly as your host and mock them all night. Hilarious. For evening dress wear what you would wear at home, pyjamas, slippers, nightdress, whatever takes your fancy, for extra points turn up with rollers in your hair and carrying a half drank bottle of scotch. Going to a black tie event? Then do just that, go starkers apart from a black tie, it's expected at these posh do's.

Other Useful Things

Arrive late, slump in all chairs and appear uninterested and yawn if you find somebody boring. Allow your tongue to meet your fork before it enters your mouth. Offer to cut other people's food up if you think they are unable. 

Finally, Conversation and Opening Lines For Winning Topics.

'Did you know it's possible to guess someone's sex with 95% accuracy just by smelling their breath?'

'The average person will pass around 1,100 gallons of urine during their lifetime.'

'I own 16,526 used toilet rolls from around the world, would you like to see them?'

'Touch this. Doctors are baffled but its not contagious I'm told even though its weeping'

'The last time I went to a dinner party I had to be forcibly ejected after projectile vomiting and assaulting the other guests.'

'You would never guess I have been in prison for poisoning would you?'

'Have you ever crouched naked over a mirror?'

Hope this will be some help in your illustrious future, I'm sure there's some hints there that we all can benefit from. Tomorrow how to apologise to all your guests when they return from the hospitals stomach pump room.

Pencil Pusher

Pencils whilst quite useful for drawing, easing our ear wax, nostril cleaning and probing foreign objects that look decidedly unappetising they can also provide hours of amusement in other ways. Maybe 'hours' was stretching it but a few minutes diversion at the very least. Lets start with a jape, tell your friend or colleague that your pencil has been specially developed to write any colour, ask which colour they prefer to see your pencil write.

Voila! The miracle pencil that mysteriously can write any colour! You can add variants to this such as my pencil can write exactly like a pen, after disbelief from your friends simply write 'exactly like a pen'. I'm sure you can come up with many, many more and keep yourself and onlookers amused in post office queues, banks and when signing your name on important documents like last wills and testaments. One for the brave though is announce to a random stranger that you can draw their portrait in five seconds, wait for them to finish saying "no you can't" and "go on then" then simply draw a school cock. Be prepared to run after this pencil jape as most strangers may not see the funny side even though the portrait may be accurate.

Don't you hate it when this happens? Well make the best of a bad job by following this little tutorial 'The Rubber Wrecker'. This one involves a bit of work but it can be left as a joke mine, one to go off unexpected a little later. Simply take the broken lead and put it to one side and find a pencil, preferably someone else's, with a small rubber on the end.

Using a compass point or something sharp (watch your fingers!) poke the rubber it make a small hole.

Carefully insert the piece of lead you saved until you cannot see it then wet the rubber end end rub lightly on a piece of cloth to clean it up. Place the pencil somewhere it will be used.

Then laugh uncontrollably as any attempt to erase causes mayhem. Imagine the fun as your boss takes notes in a meeting only to have his work ruined, hilarious I'm sure. As you can see I have run out of ideas today and possibly if you followed my advice you have got the sack too.

It's never a good idea to do a five second portrait of your boss.

Or maybe it is.

What A Carry On

SCENE ONE

TAKE ONE

Gerald had finally found a job in a the post office in the quiet village of Carryonton. It's his first day and we find him behind the desk waiting for his first customer.

Ting-a-ling went the bell above the door as in walked the vicar. 'Morning Gerald, what a nice morning although this hot weather is making my clothes rub against my thrupney bits. I have an important package to fire through someone's slot can you handle a large one?'
'Ah, vicar, nice to see you, I can see your way-hay fever has started early. Of course I can help, let me see your package.'

'There it is Gerald, it's a fine package isn't it, Have you seen a larger one than this?'

'Can't say I have vicar, it could certainly do some damage if it gets shoved through the wrong hole.'

'Well Gerald, you'd better make sure my package slides carefully into the correct hole, especially if I'm paying for it.'

Ting-a-ling went the bell and they are joined by Mrs Holliby.

'Morning Vicar, morning Gerald, what a fine day it is. The suns shining and I have just seen a pair of great tits, I love birds.'

'I agree Mrs Holliby, nothing like seeing a pair of great tits in the morning to get you going for the day, isn't that right Gerald'

'Certainly is, nothing beats a pair of great tits. What can we do for you Mrs Holliby?'

STOP

Sorry, this is degenerating into double entendre sillyness, it's a blog not a Carry On film. It needs a complete rewrite, think village, think murder, think Miss Marples and try again.

TAKE TWO

We join Gerald, Post Master in the mysterious village of Carryonton, we find him in the post office discussing the latest revelations with Mrs Holliby and the parish Vicar.

'Well I don't know Vicar, they found him last night in a room locked from the inside. He was dead, murdered, the only thing they found was a smashed window. Somebody must have broken in.'

'Broken out Gerald, Mrs Weston said the glass from the window was on the outside so it must have been broken from the inside, how curious.' Said Mrs Holliby, 'What do you think vicar?'

'I thought it was funnier when we all talked about tits.'

STOP, STOP, STOP!

Vicar, you're out, lets run that scene again with just Gerald and Mrs Holliby. Forget the murder lets try a Western.

TAKE THREE

'Well Mrs Holliby, the pony express leaves in three minutes, yawl better be on it before Black Bart rides into town'

'Oh, Gerald, you are a brave sheriff. Let me see your 10 inch pistol.'

'Here it is Mrs Holliby, it's impressive isn't it. Here, let me lift your saddlebags for you.'

'Oh my Gerald, you're SO powerful, you can handle my saddlebags anytime.'

STOP, FOR GOODNESS SAKE STOP IT NOW!

Mrs Holliby, you're out. Just you Gerald, this is your last chance! Think village post office, first day.

TAKE FOUR

Gerald had finally found a job in a the post office in the quiet village of Carryonton. It's his first day and we find him behind the desk waiting for his first customer.

'Titty Tits!'

I give up.

A New Wonder In Wonderland

After nine months, one Knickerbockergloria dragon, a Michelin starred Impossimal night, 36kg of clay, six massive eight foot sets, industrial lighting rigs, 36 maquettes and over 5,000 individually made objects we have reached the final stage and the last painting that make up Lost Alice, this years major Impossimal release pencilled in for September. Originally this years releases were supposed to be part three of the Lost Impossimals - 'Revelation' but really we couldn't ignore the fact that Alice In Wonderland celebrated its 150th birthday this year hence this new collection.

We have both joined forces and sunk so much time into this project yet barely scratched the surface of a brand new Wonderland that will expand to go beyond your wildest dreams into a realm like no other. From the predictable title of 'We're all mad here!' to the unpredictable 'Tweedle Do and Tweedle Don't' the madness has seeped out into the artwork so be prepared to view a different kind of Wonderland; a wonderland twisted and crafted around classic literature mixed with fairy tales through the eyes of a very different Alice.

In preparation Jayne has created twenty bespoke original pieces of Alice and the Queen Of Hearts to accompany my six major oils and we have also designed four new sculptures to sit along side. Nine stand alone original maquettes, nine mounted maquette displays and several complex oil sketches will also be available and the whole thing will be packaged up and moved around the country as we go on tour reaching destinations we haven't covered in a while.

The final piece in the Alice jigsaw though is the hardest...

Between 1853 and 1863 four volumes and seven pages of text went missing from a set of thirteen diaries written by a Charles Lutwidge Dodgson, ripped out and discarded by unknown hands. The whereabouts of the missing pages remain a mystery to this day. Were they destroyed? Or hidden?

You may know Charles better by his pen name, Lewis Carroll.

The missing pages are parts of an unseen Wonderland, each revealing untold tales and further adventures of a girl called Alice. Earlier this year we found one of the pages when we opened up The Secret Pantry, Wonderland is everywhere, you just need to know where to look.

And my role in all this?

I'm writing a third Wonderland book.

So be prepared, it's all going to get rather surreal.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Bung-A-Rung Emergency Kit

In a short series of one, today is part seventy six of Emergency! Your guide to safer living.

How often have you been trapped in a well, needed to reach a cat stuck in a tree, rescue people from a burning building or just wanted to clean those pesky high windows three stories up and only had a newspaper to hand?

 

Well, struggle no more with our step by step guide to the Laddermagic'o'matic, you will be on the first rung in no time and you will never suffer from ladder lacking facilities again.

All you need is newspaper and a bit of sticky tape, or spit if none is available at your location. Place each sheet together as shown in the detailed instructions, beginners may need to be supervised at this stage to get the correct ladder height. Roughly each sheet will give you eight inches of erection and two rungs. In this example we are going to construct a rigid six rung twenty four inch, ideal for reaching those top cupboards.

Roll your ladder into a relatively loose roll, too tight and you will have trouble with your erection, too slack and your ladder will not maintain its erection.

To add your rungs slightly flatten your tube and cut out this rung shape, you may use a template if required to get accurate rungage.

Bend your ladder as shown in the above directions, keeping it pointed away from you at all times. Clear away small children and pets before erecting. Depending on your initial preparation and how many sheets you used its quite possible to suddenly get a twenty footer that may require two people.

Insert your finger in the exposed ladder tube and gently pull, do this both sides in equal measures until your first rung appears.

You should now have something like this, further working the ladder with more tugging will expose more rungs, pull until you can pull no more. You will know when you are nearly done as the ladder will start to go rigid.

It really is that easy, you can now see we have been left with a perfectly safe, strong ladder for everyday needs. I used this to easily climb over a shoe box, you can use yours to change that aerial, mend that broken roof tile or even let it help with all your decorating needs! *

*Paper ladders are for professionals only and will not replace the paper scaffolding shown previously. Maximum weight restrictions apply, if unsure use our toilet roll version for extra stability. Paper ladders are not recommended for ages 0-76, those over 76 do so at their own risk and must not overreach the ladders safety distance. Always use a stable surface to mount your ladder and avoid rain, fire and wind. Using different sheets of newspaper within the same ladder will generate weak points and is not recommended.

All Is Revealed!

When I was only four I took up the Important role of becoming the youngest ever secret agent, a fact I can now share after forty three years of secrecy. In my guise as an agent I worked for two agencies, Fireball and Warlord, both deep undercover operations that taught me new skills as a young recruit. By the age of six I was wearing dinner jackets, sipping cocktails and indulging in my new found hobby of smoking. It was only a mistimed accident whilst abseiling from the top of mount Etna after destroying yet another not so secret base that I retired aged eight.

The mission went according to plan, I had infiltrated the base disguised as a shark, which gave me difficulties as not many sharks are to be seen climbing volcanoes so in hind sight it was a poor choice, still, I managed to convince the guards I was here for the newly installed shark pool underneath the trapdoor floor. After being caught whilst changing into another outfit, this time an inflatable Sumo suit, I was put in a badly guarded cell with all my gadgets still intact. Using my banana cosh attached to my left shoe I subdued the one unarmed guard and made my way deeper into FORMASHGETSMASH lair until I found the evil device. A loudspeaker that was poised to endlessly play 'Hey Jude' to the world unless a ransom was paid of £1,000,000.1p in old money.

I will never forget the sound as the explosions ripped apart the loudspeaker just as it reached 'Take a sad song and make it better' which coincidentally exactly what I was doing by destroying it. I swear till this day I almost heard Sir Paul shout 'Nooooooooooo....' to the tune of Mull of Kintyre as bits of the Hey Jude single flew over my head. Apparently it took Sir Paul over thirty years to find all the pieces and put them together to unleash his revenge at the Olympics.

Abseiling away I realised that I had forgotten to destroy the secret cache of Barry Manilows that was being used as an evil backup plan. Operation Cocacabanadrama could devastate society and my mind suddenly drifted to this problem as I accidentally let go and mistimed my fall crushing a young goat herder (sorry!) and sliding 1000 feet down the mountain side on the back of a startled Elk. My failure to destroy the cache was my last mission and another more experienced agent aged nine was sent in instead.

So now, many years later I'm allowed to write up my memoirs. From the evil Punch Your Judy scheme that used exploding sandcastles as a summer sabotage to the equally devious Man of Ice's idea to make all ice cream taste like cabbage and thus bring down the worlds Ice cream stock prices so he could dominate the untainted ice cream market, I was the agent that stopped all these deeds which is exactly the reason why you never heard of them before. A secret you see, that's how they work.

In my new book 'Moonraking Golden Guns Whilst Playing Octopussy at the Casino Royale' I will reveal more on my double agent life and just why I would never take a drink from a six fingered giant with three nipples and metal teeth or indeed use a toilet on a stationary train. Only .99p from bargain bins worldwide.

I'll Show You Mine!

WHATS ON

ABC Cinema

Star Warts (PG) 12.40 2.30 7.40 - Classic sci-fi skin complaint surgery in space. 'This is not the wart you are looking for.'

The Terminator (X) 1.20 5.23 - The trials and tribulations of a railway announcer as he cancels several trains in a row much to the disgust of travellers. Contains strong language and the William Tell Overture being farted over the tanoy.

Filthy Smut (XXX) 1.50 2.50 3.50 4.50 - Wonderful children's film sequel to the popular Smutty Filth (XXX)

Odeon Cinema

Lassie Does Dallas (u) 7.50 9.20 10.26 - Naughty Lassie makes a naughty movie, excellent family film.

Alice Through The Drinking Glass (PG) 6.20 12.32 - After a rough night out Alice wakes up in a mysterious land ruled by an evil Queen, follow Alice's adventures as she fights a raging hangover, samples casual drug use from labelled bottles, hallucinates and talks to cats.

All night XXX movies TUES 11.30 - 5.30 Confessions of a Text Maniac, Confessions of a Tupperware Seller, Confessions of a Confessional Confessor, Confessions of a Lamb, Confessions of a Ewe, Confessions of a Sea Urchin.

CLASSIFIEDS

For hire Bouncy Castle, fun for all the family with our inflatable Roy Castle. £10 per day, no shoes or scissors please.

For hire Extreme Clowns, sword swallowing, bed of nails, hanging from hooks, ideal for children's parties.

The BGs, tribute band, no connection to The Be G's or The Bee G's or The Bee Ge's or The Be Ge's or The Beeee Geeee's or The Beeeeeeeeeee Geeeeeeeeee's or The B Geeeee's or The Beee Geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee's or The B's or The G's £10 per song, teeth extra. Full wigs and beard experience.

FOR SALE

Wig, light brown, slight fire damage £23 o.n.o

Two pelicans, comes with free flamingo, must go to a good home. Selling due to acquiring several tigers and a giraffe. £10 Contact Gerald, Flat 23, Mandella Hi-Rise, Cricklewood.

Brucie, entertainer of sorts. Buyer beware, prone to spontaneous tap dancing and singing, requires re-wigging on top. Will split. £1.26

Rod Stewart record 'I Am Sailing' £125, will consider swap for Terry Wogans 'Floral Dance' or anything by Keith Chegwin.

Flatulance bucket, amplifies flatulance sound x10, a miracle of modern science and a must have gadget. Enable to project the sound up to one mile in good conditions. From low rasps to dog howlers, full broadcasting ability with optional wifi to upload your sounds. £25 o.n.o. Used. Soiled.

PERSONAL

Fruity Mr Kipling looking for a French Fancy Tart that Bakes well. Custard Creme a speciality, will consider Bourbons or Wagon Wheels.

Miss Two Wrongs looking for that Mr Right, no other names acceptable, want to make Two Wrongs Right.

Cupboard lover looking for sexy sideboard to open drawers, if door sticks, pull to open.

JOBS

Henchmen required, excellent benefits, full health insurance, uniform, own gun. Contact SMERSH, Crab Key, Old Volcano.

We are hiring! Like fairy tales? Have expensive tastes? Want two houses absolutely free or even a cheap council house in central London? Then why not become a local MP, hours to suit.

Bargains Galore!

SCISSORSPOON 2000

Straight from the studio that bought you Skewer Slippers comes the latest must have labour saving gadget, Scissorspoon 2000, the space age gadget that allows you to eat and snip at the same time. With its special 'spoon' simulators combined with the slicing action of its twin blades it will make short work of paper, pasta and slugs whilst feeding two spoonfuls a snip. Rated as rank by the Whattheflipisit Poll over 99% of people in our survey placed this device above breathing. (Poll taken in our office asking Derek the only member of staff and using the question 'Do you still want a job here?') For only £99.99 you can own this collectible cutlery and for a limited time only we will give you this free!

C-Rain Predictor (tm)

Our patented C-Rain(tm) Predictor Chart. Using the latest Catalogical Barometer you can now see the likely hood of it raining cats every single day. With its easy to read layout you will know accurately to expect everything from kitten showers to full blown tabby torrents. Why, you can even laugh as your neighbours unexpectedly get caught out and end up under a pile of pussies. For further enjoyment of this free gift we also recommend you purchase our Brollybounce to deflect falling cats and our unique Hooverminx to clean up all those strays left over in the garden after a heavy downpour.

Rated 10/10 in a category of one by Whattheflipisthat.co.uk.com.org.biz.xxx you really cannot get any better than this and it's FREE!

BARRYBOOMBOX

As a special bonus to readers of this blog we will also throw in the Barry Manilow Radio, bop to Barry all day long at the Copacabana, sipping Manilows in your white linen trousers and sandals. From jingles to jives, from smooches to smooth grooves Barry has it all covered so you too can get that party started and be the talk of the town. The Barryboombox, only from Ronkaterrible, your one stop shop for everything you need and nothing you want.

Oh Dreary Me...A New Low In Blogging

Auntie Dreary is the advice column of Dreary Cushion, the agony aunt for the popular publication Soft Furnishing And Psychology TV Guide, a weekly magazine devoted to all things psychologically comfy.

Dear Dreary,

I have recently noticed an object looking like a six foot bean bag on my settee that refuses to go away. It's really started to annoy me as its always there when I come home from work, it never moves, occasionally it grunts and worst of all it's now started to demand food and steal the remote control. What is it Dreary and what can I do to get rid of it?

Concerned of Dulwich

Don't worry dear, it's a common problem, there is even a special name for it, your six foot badly stuffed beanbag is called a husband. Unfortunately they are quite stubborn and take some shifting, other unfortunate sufferers of this problem, called wives, often swap tips on husband removal and you should seek their advice. Withdrawing food and water will get them to move occasionally but only as far as the kitchen, my best advice to you is to get a nice little flowery throw and whilst its sleeping cover it up.

Dear Dreary,

My best friend has suggested I get a tattoo on my bottom to make me more desirable, I however have doubts, I don't want the small person from Fantasy Island drawn on my nether regions and much prefer a butterfly, how do I tell my friend I didn't like Fantasy Island?

Big Butt Bertha from Brum

Calm down dear don't get all in a lather, you are forgetting that he also played Nick Nack in the James Bond film, Man With A Golden Gun so having Tattoo on your bottom is actually quite cool, you could even use your ample arse as a pretend cave so Tattoo could be peering into it or out of it depending how much pain you wish to endure. As for your friend buy yourself a nice little throw and every time she mentions Tattoo or Nick Nack simply cover her with it.

Dear Dreary,

I have several cushions on my bed that match my feature wall, should I buy a throw for the end of the bed to match?

J.Oke of Tunbridge Wells Knitting Circle

No,No,No dear, your problem is your bedroom and its lack of use. I recommend a healthy dose of man action to restore your confidence. If that's a problem then visit those nice people at Sann Hummers, they have some excellent ways to bring back the spicy things in life and pretty soon you will be swinging from the lampshades. Next time don't be afraid to talk about sex dear, it's quite natural you know.

Dear Dreary,

The spark has gone out of my marriage, my husband dresses up in my clothes even when I'm in the house and leers at passersby from the bedroom window whilst shouting obscenities. I'm at my wits end, what can I do? Should I leave him or seek professional help?

Desperate House Pet of Pontefract

It's perfectly fine to dress windows with pelmets and curtains when you have more than six cushions on your furniture. Maybe a nice woolly rug would distract from your décor, alternatively buy yourself a nice little throw and some doilies for the backs of the sofa. One large cushion surrounded by six others can make a dramatic centre piece in any living room. Be bold with colour dear and you will feel better in no time at all. 

Dear Dreary,

I am repairing my car and need a single 2mm sprocket grub screw but only have a 3mm grimble clip and a piece of rubber tubing, will it work as a replacement?

Mike Canic of Garage

If you shave a little off the grimble clip you will find the rubber tubing can be attached perfectly. I take it you have a Ford Mustard V2 judging from the use of a 2mm sprocket so on that basis, yes it will work. Just make sure you have a 6mm crocket anti clockwise spring to hold it all in place and everything will be fine.

If you wish to receive professional advice from Dreary Cushion then comment below on this blogs Facebook entry or alternatively write your problem on a ten pound note and post it down the back of the sofa.

Bye bye Dreary fans! 

Sexy Sun Fun!

SPECIAL REPORT from our Sun correspondent Kit-E-Kat

Now the sun has made its annual appearance and summer is well underway to give us a total of two days enjoyment before rolling thunderstorms spoil the fun I thought I would join in with all the news reports and remind you of how bad the sun is and how to not expire should you heaven forbid start to enjoy it.

REMEMBER

Although you can tell the time by the sun most people cannot even see the numbers when they look at it. To help always use a triple mirror system with a magnifying glass to deflect the sunlight onto a specially prepared crumble surface (a slice of bread) that has been prepared beforehand with the addition of a clock face. As the reflected light hits it will reveal little to the untrained eye but experts assure us that it will indeed show the time as mostly being wasted in such a futile way.

The sun is bright, garish, hard to look at and will make you hot under the collar, instead buy another newspaper altogether.

Simulate heat stroke by turning on your oven and leaving the door open. Shut all the doors and windows in the kitchen and wear several jumpers, eventually you will 'succumb' to the effects and collapse pleasingly onto the floor.

Don't forget to wear highly innapropriate clothing that barely covers the flabby bits of your anatomy.

Useful words to say during this unusual weather event are 'I like it hot but not this hot!', 'Put it away you will scare the kids.', 'I don't know how they stand it this hot abroad with all that foreign food, give me rain and egg and chips any day of the week.', 'It wasn't that brown this morning!' and for all the northern folk 'I'm staying indoors, I can't be bothered with all this sun.'

Cooking oil makes a useful substitute for sun cream with the added bonus that you will 'sizzle' in the sun and smell of chips. Place strips of bacon on your tummy when sunbathing for a treat when you finish.

Recreate the seaside in your back garden by sitting on a towel semi naked, filling your egg sandwiches with sand, building small sandcastles and getting a dog to urinate on them. Just like what happened to me in the 70's when a bloody big dog came and destroyed two turrets with a torrent of wee whilst I sat there crying into my bucket and unearthing a buried turd with my spade but I'm over that now.

Get a dog to wee on something handmade for that same crushing feeling I had in the 70's

Did I mention weeing dogs and crushed dreams?

Make a ton of money by becoming an ice cream vendor and selling '99's for £2.50 with only a quarter of a flake sticking out and a paltry whip of ice cream in a miniature cone.

Pretend you're an artist by moaning how hot the studio is as an excuse to avoid 'working' using the term 'work' as loosely as possible whilst trying to convince everyone around you that being arty is full time work when in reality being arty is 10% art 90% self crushing under confidence masquerading as pretentiousness to avoid detection using small things as the weather to throw an arty moment avoiding doing your job thus gaining an excuse to write a mildly amusing blog.

Wear a Kiss Me Quick hat to work for instant respect especially if you are a doctor or policeman.

Buy an invisible dog lead and harass people in the street.

Buy a dog and no lead to allow it to harass people hands free.

More white dog poo appears during sunny weather, please note, it is not chalk and should not be used as such. Another memory that fails to erase itself; just thinking about it conjures up the smell of the 'chalk' breaking as I scrawled on the pavement in the 70's.

Also avoid small black bags that have self inflated, they do not contain 'treasure' especially if found discarded on paths and in parks. NEVER EVER poke them with a stick if fully inflated unless you intend burning your clothes later and scrubbing yourself down with Dettol as I had to in the 70's

Never ever refer back to the endless summer of '77 unless you want to be classed as a boring old fart.

The Summer of '77 was awesome, we had back to back sun for weeks on end and there was no X-Factor.

Bored of the Sun? Simply wait for fourteen hours in the same spot and voila, it will disappear.

Sunday is not a sunny day as it suggests, it's more of a restricted shopping day that normally disappoints the unwary. In olden days nothing used to open on a Sunday and we all had to sit together for a big meal and make conversation about how great it would be if everything opened on a Sunday before watching Bullseye on television wondering what on earth they were going to do with a twin engined speedboat on a terrace street.

Enjoy the sunny weather!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Carpet Crumpet

Sifting through some old blog entries I wondered what I was doing this day in 2012, alas I found my answer with this blog entry from the vaults...

Shopping for a bargain off cut in carpet emporiums is a daunting proposition. Firstly you have oodles of options, colour, pattern, short pile, shag, nylon, wool, the list is endless and secondly you have to enter through a door way that is festooned with balloons and garlands like you are going there for a party. There was so much celebratory material outside I half expected to be met by Coco the carpet clown and shown the recently carpeted bouncy castle whilst children run excitedly through tubes of carpet caves eating carpet cakes.

OK, that was a bit over the top I'll admit but really why are carpet places always festooned in such gaiety? I checked, there was not a sale on, it was not a anniversary for anything at the store and it wasn't anybody's birthday. It is and will forever remain a mystery.

Grippers, that's what I want to talk about. How lethal are they? Taking up our old carpet revealed a multitude of sins as it became apparent it should have been replaced many, many years before. Part of the carpet was wedged under the door way on a particularly gripping bit of floor. Extracting carpet from the jaws of these booby traps requires a deft touch, a touch I fail to have and inexplicably at some point I know I will catch a part of my anatomy on them. Strips of wood nailed to the floor, each with fifty small angled spikes is like something from the middle ages to stop mounted troops, why on earth are they there for carpets?, surely carpets don't have a habit of running away when your not looking so have to be pinned down. I know, I know, they stop the carpet moving, still don't like them.

As usual the carpet wouldn't budge from under the door frame, cutting it out wasn't an option as we needed the new carpet to fit perfectly and not have a tuft of green between that and the hallway. Tug. Tug. No movement. Maybe a new tactic, a forty five degree tug.

It worked, I say worked in its loosest terms as the carpet tore away from the strip with a ripping sound catapulting me backwards bottom first into the corner. That is where I found the gripper as it tore into my cheeks like a fish hook. If you have ever tried to get up from a gripper injury you will find how hard it is. The spikes point towards the wall so you are left with two choices, either retreat more towards the wall to ease them off which in my case was going to be difficult seeing as my backside was already pinned there or secondly grit your teeth and stand rather quickly ignoring any ripping sounds and sharp pain.

I chose the latter and I now have a nice row of 'teeth' marks in my bottom. 

Try explaining that one at the swimming baths.