Make Mine A Large One

(Theme tune)

Is it little? is it large?
We don't know so let us ask,
Little or large is such a blast,
Asking comics from the past.

It's the Little Or Large Show!

(Applause and cue laughter)

Is it little or is it large? Our first guests are celebrity legendary comedians Eddie Large and Syd Little who haven't spoken to each other in years. Take a seat and make yourself comfortable and without further ado here's our first conundrum.

Elephants, are they little or large?

Eddie : They make Syd look like a borrower!

Syd : I'd say they are large based solely on the fact that they are the same size as Eddie.

Result : Large

Matchsticks, little or large?

Eddie : Where's Syd, ah there you are, hiding behind the matchstick again? Hahaha.

Syd : If I had a matchstick for everytime you have told a thin or skinny joke about me I'd own Swan Vesta. They are little, unlike big mouth over there.

Eddie : Well, dagnabbit if it ain't a talking stick that looks like a Thunderbird character.

Syd : Eddie, Deputy Dawg impressions went out in the 70's along with Frank Spencer, Mike Yarwood and that hair perm.

Eddie : Why you little £@!?

Syd : Why you large @£?!@&£?!

Unfortunately we will have to cut it there as we escort our special guests out of the studio, who's next?

We are up for a treat folks with legendary little and large comedians The Krankies, give them a warm welcome please as they come on stage avoiding the fighting double act.

(Applause)

Wee Jimmy Krankie : I told you that beanstalk wasn't safe, just go up you said, it'll be fun you said.

Jimmys Dad, Ian : I didn't know it was unsafe until I shook it.

Wee Jimmy Krankie : Well @&£?! Fan-Dabi-Dozi! That the first time you told me you shook it, it's no wonder I fell off you @")£&!, I only managed to get out Fan-Dabi before I hit the ground. It knocked my Crackerjack badge clean off.

Jimmys Dad, Ian : Oh, did I not tell you that before? Bugger.

Wee Jimmy Krankie : That's the last time I'm dressing up like a schoolboy for you again!

Ahem, I think we should leave it there. Quick! security get them out of the building. Sorry about that folks, let's have our final guest for tonight, it's no other than...

(Applause)

...comedy legends Cannon and Ball, rock on Tommy!

Bobby Ball : That's my line!

I'm sorry, welcome to the show.

Bobby Ball : Tommy, he's just stolen my line, I'm going to piggin hit him Tommy!

Tommy Cannon : Calm down Bobby, he didn't mean it.

Bobby Ball : You little liar! He piggin meant it, hold me back Tommy!

Tommy Cannon : It's alright, let's just get on with the show.

Bobby Ball : That'll do for me cocker, I'm still watching him though. I'm dead excited!

Unfortunately folks we have run out of time, see you again next week at the same time for more Little or Large!

Bobby Ball : Deep piggin down, you really hate me don't yer!

No!

Bobby Ball : You piggin liar, I'm going to have him Tommy, hold me back, hold me back. Gerroff Tommy you've got me skin!

(Applause)

(Curtains down)

(Roll Credits)

Todays blog has been desperately bought to you by Crap Blog Entries Ltd purveyors of crap blogs since 1763

Move

You may have noticed that there has been little or scant posting of the blog and Impossimal stuff recently, it's not that I have been remiss it's all down to the fact that Impossimal HQ is relocating which unfortunately occurred at the same time as we lost Iona, one of our quirky three continental giant rabbits who live at Bunnyopolis.

So Bunnyopolis 2 begins, this time in a more countrified setting where Aaran and Jura can spend the rest of their days enjoying a little easy living. As you can imagine combining the loss of such a character with a large upheaval and countless other minor and major hiccups has been quite something, however we are within days of bringing everything to a conclusion and finishing the relocation just in time for Lost Alice, this years major release.

In a way the move is very befitting, our new HQ shares the same age as Alice In Wonderlands creator and indeed includes a garden swing and rabbit hole, it's in this new place that I will finish writing Lost Alice just in time for it's first showing at the beginning of September.

We will be travelling up and down the country with the tour; from Glasgow to Sheffield, from Manchester to Newcastle, Lost Alice and indeed both of us will be making an appearance along with many new stories to be told.

New beginnings, new artwork, new stories and new Alice.

We can't wait!

Mary, Mary Why So Sweary?

It's Monday and you're already sat at work bored, what do you do? Well, you could make your very own Sweary Mary Bobbins, all the fun of Mary Poppins combined with the latest crazy for crafting and swearing.

For this you will need :

An old fashioned Bobbin, a match stick, a toothpick or thin piece of wood twice as long as a matchstick, an elastic or hair band, two pieces of blu-tak and of course a brolly combined with your own potty mouth. N.B. Don't use a full size brolly, the gear ratio of your Mary Bobbins can only pull at around 126bhp. Yes, I know there's a pipe cleaner there too, I thought I might need it.

Thread the band through the middle of the bobbin and secure with half a matchstick one side and your longer piece of wood the other. The longer piece will act as the thrust, the shorter this is the faster it will go unless of course it's that short it cannot reach the table.

Secure the shorter end using blu-tak and rotate the larger piece until the band in the middle starts to twist. Keep twisting until you can go no further and the band is tight with tension and Mary is ready to go.

Now very carefully attach your brolly to the longer piece of wood using blu-tak making sure you pin it down as shown, we don't want Mary flying off the handle just yet.

When you a ready shout 'nut sack' and follow it with a tirade of naughty words as you let go, see how many you can shout before Mary Bobbins is spent. You can see in the above picture when I tried it it shot off with such power it crashed through the front door and raced up the street. So apologies to the neighbours for running up the street half naked chasing a speeding bobbin and shouting obscenities again this morning, I don't think they got over the last time, although to be fair I was fully naked then.

For added authenticity you can improvise, here I have added a small matchbox musical instrument that plays 'A Spoonful Of Sugar' and of course a spoon for said sugar, the amount of fun is literally endless!

I'm off to wind it up again and see if I can break my record of sixty two swears, tomorrow we will make a Harry Hill Helicopter out of a boiled egg, a rubber band, two lolly sticks and a pair of glasses.

Believe It Or Not, It's All True!

Did you know that MC Hammer invented flipflops? In 1967 MC Hammer was making breakfast when he accidentally dropped a waffle onto the floor of his luxury apartment. As he was barefooted at the time he stepped on the waffle which stuck to the base of his foot because of the maple syrup that covered it. In his surprise he lost grip of a rasher of bacon and this too fell but draped over toes and onto his waffle shoe effectively joining them together. As he stepped around his kitchen the resulting flip flop sound please him and he realised he had invented some funky new footwear. MC Hammer went on to release 'Hammer Time' with its catchy 'Can't Touch This' and voluminous trouser to raise funds for his flipflop business. It worked and flipflops became the trendiest beach wear around.

MC Hammer once bumped into pop hasbeen Chico and when a passing fan spotted them and asked what the time was it turned into carnage.

 

THAT'S INCREDIBLE!

Bruce Lee once punched Chuck Norris so hard that the resultant blast created the Ngorongoro crater in Tanzania and caused dormant DNA to form into a hundred different species of butterfly.

 

THAT'S INCREDIBLE!

Justin Bieber was once carried by his minder all the way around the world after he found a stone in his shoe and refused to remove it but that's nothing compared to celebrity pouter Nikki Minaj who once purchased two Fabergé Eggs at a whopping £45 million each to stuff down her pants for the ultimate back rack.

THAT'S INCREDIBLE!

Des'O'Connor loves Christmas so much that he celebrates it everyday and dresses up as Santa Claus each and every night. Des starts the day with a smoked salmon Xmas breakfast and follows it up with a full cooked dinner in front of the television. He has an extensive collection of Queens Christmas Day messages recorded on solid gold VHS tapes which he watches from 3pm until bedtime. The only day he doesn't celebrate Christmas is on Christmas Day itself, he celebrates Easter instead and gorges himself on Creme eggs.

THAT'S INCREDIBLE!

In 1881 radio two presenter Chris Evans was a young man who decided to experiment not the gaseous properties of the humble brussel. Using his extensive knowledge of plant husbandry he managed to grow the ultimate wind giving brussel sprout which he nicknamed the 'Little Boy'. Fearing ridicule he borrowed a small island in Indonesia from his friend Richard Branson to test out his discovery. There he cooked the brussel over an open camp fire causing it to crackle and pop as noxious fumes poured out of the brussel that could be seen for miles around.

On the morning of August 26th, 1883 Chris Evans started his initial tests and popped in a small piece of the miracle brussel. It tasted exactly like a normal brussel, disappointed he popped in the remains and bent over to put out the fire.

The resulting blast was the loudest ever recorded in history. Reports from London 3,600 miles away recorded a large rasping sound ending in a high pitched whistle, multicoloured sunsets and an overpowering smell that lingered for two months as Chris's flatulence blew with a force equivalent to 200 megatons of TNT. It destroyed Richard Branson's small island of Krakatoa, created twenty six separate tsunamis and left Chris's designer trousers in tatters. He was later found aimlessly walking in circles muttering to himself and smelling of rotting vegetables.

Many years later Chris joined the BBC but was forced to confess to his island destruction after breaking down on Desert Island Discs.

NOW THAT'S INCREDIBLE!

Picky

Like most people my age I am 48 and at this time of life you start to crave certain things that you thought you would never ever crave. I'm of course talking about a Swiss bank account, ten million in used government bonds, a ton of gold bullion and a gigantic laser. Hang on, that's my Goldfinger fantasy. What I'm really talking about is something so hideous I dare to speak of it.

You stick it in your mouth and wriggle it about a bit, it's a little bit sharp and can become a mouthful if inserted incorrectly and not everybody enjoys doing it. Now I don't know where your little wandering mind was going but come back from the dirt track, I was obviously talking about a tool. There you go again, I'm really going to have to take you in hand today aren't I? It's a tool that you may be familiar with now your gums are gradually pulling themselves into an Esther Rantzen grin and as hideous as it sounds the older you get the more you need toothpicks.

You may laugh, you may be young and have teeth, youth and a penchant to like the one called Bieber but you too will one day extol the virtues of a good toothpick and remark that back in the day there was an awfully good guide to tooth picking written by a failed artist, somebody called Pieter Smyth or something that painted striped things. So without further ado, a bluffers guide to tooth picking.

KNOW YOUR FRIEND

This is a toothpick, it is your friend during meals, they are made of wood taken from the forests of Sumatra and carried on the backs of tigers to the 'pick' lodges where machines will whittle down a twenty two foot oak into one toothpick. The discarded wood is then used as decorative bark. Notice the sharp point, beware, these are on both ends on the cheap versions and can severely injure or get pickles out of a jar depending how you brandish them.

Always carry a stock of these in your wallet, you never know when you may be asked to eat asparagus or spinach at a moments notice. Chicken can be especially tricky, I have lost count how many times I have had a meal only to walk out with a full chicken leg sticking out of my mouth.
These are average toothpicks, go to a posh place or a place that used to be posh and still hangs on to a poshness it had in its days of posh and you get these.

Posh pricks come in a small cellophane wrapper can be identified by their sanitised point coloured green which dissolves upon use and went out of fashion in the mid 80's. Notice too that this is a one ended toothpick with an ornately turned finial style end which can double up as a fancy curtain pole for mice and begs the question why? Make sure you use this the right way around, I used it the wrong way to remove a quarter pounder and the finial broke off in my mouth and jammed in my clack forcing me to wheeze and whistle for two weeks until I fell down the stairs and dislodged it, pretty dangerous woodwork.

KNOW YOUR ENEMY

No matter how attractive this looks it is not a toothpick despite looking rather fetching and pointy. These are called chillies but don't be fooled by their name they are really hotties, confusing isn't it? Just like the Dyson ball cleaner do not believe everything you read or you will end up in hospital like I did with a black mark on your medical card and an inability to sit down for two weeks. Chillies do not make good toothpicks anyway, they collapse easily and their spicy taste has the ability to send you rushing to the kitchen with steam bursting from your nose. Avoid.

USEFUL TOOLS

Now we are talking, due to the poor hygienic dental care displayed by so many in the UK the humble cheese knife doubles up perfectly as a makeshift toothpick. A common tool used by many Jeremy Kyle guests it allows you to pick around your three teeth with comfort and safety using it's patented 'V' system to get around rotten roots and mangled molars to remove every bit of those chicken nuggets and Billy bear mystery meat. This is for hard core users only, I dislocated my jaw trying to remove a bit of Pringle, you have been warned.

Really troublesome foodstuff like nuts and boiled sweets require more vigorous attention, take a tip from the posh and use a sommeliers tool, the combination of bottle opener and corkscrew really allows you to dig out those crevices and one quick turn and you can extract large amounts of trapped food just like a cork from a bottle. I have lost count how many times I have removed an embarrassingly large piece of lobster only to find underneath three layers of the Sunday lunch waiting for me and on one memorable day a full beef roast, yummy it was too a second time.

None posh people who just want to pick at their teeth, toes and nose whilst watching television could do worse than using a condiment fork. Try not to use a dining fork as these can often be quite wide and can look unsightly to your latest girlfriend / boyfriend. Also don't offer them what you find, it's bad etiquette even though it looks tasty on the end of the fork. Bonus, the back end of the fork also makes an excellent ear cleaner and fetches wax out a treat. Double bonus, save all your earwax for a year and make your self a free candle saving £££ on expensive clean soya candles sold by the top candle makers, pour in aftershave for a unique scent and use a shoelace as a wick, simple!

Finally if you are stuck at work and struggling removing food then the simple ball point pen is ideal, replace the cap on your pen and put it to one side. Lean over and take your colleagues pen and remove the cap. Have a good root around and dislodge any offending food. Replace the cap and return to the correct desk. Simple, clean and hygienic.

I hope our guide to teeth picking has been helpful, if not simply cut out and keep until you are old enough to realise it's going to take up a large part of your life along with bladder problems, flatulance, constipation, aches and pains, a tendency to be grumpy and wrinkles in places that you thought couldn't get any wrinklier.

For more information please visit www.howoldamigoddamit.com

Mis i g Let ers

Oh dear, it seems some of the words have fallen off today's innocent little blog, can you fit them all back in? To help you all the missing words at the bottom to print out.

As the horse _____ the nun pulled her _____ and gave him a jolly good _____. The vicar who was passing was _____, he had never seen a _____ pull her _____ like that before and wondered if he could join in. The nun just _____ and showed him her _____ which was very different indeed.

Just then three _____ burst onto the _____ and whipped out the largest _____ they had ever seen outside of a rhythm club. The vicar and the nun _____ then _____ ! Several passers by _____ and two took _____ , never before had they seen _____ and _____ going at it like like that before. It began to _____ and pretty soon everyone was _____ to the _____ . Slowly they all _____ and _____ until the _____ could take _____ and they all went to _____ with a big smile on their faces.

THE END

*Wept, todger, badgers, humper, old maid, spoke, looked, amazed, spank, bucket, gaping hole, forking, truncheon, naked, trunk, joggers, budgie smugglers, booty, stroked, pull, thrust, small pipecleaner, pictures, fainted, royal, crown jewels, Vegas, billiards, clowns pocket, back door, pushed, pummelled, smashed, ate, drank, stroked, cucumber, potato, baby carrot, hung, dogs, sheep, like a boss, secretary, planking, fireman, stripper, pole, soaked, bone, wet, core, bent, hospital, nurse, nuts, squirrels, a goat, actor, television, floor, over the table, up the alley, no more, home, pony, two pigs, a brown cow, the grocers, the swimming baths, the sauna.

*note, all words may or may not be applicable to this innocent little story.

Consumerism

I awoke to the sound of a pig oinking as my beautiful farm clock struck 5am, I sat up and stretched putting on my Hammer Toe Strap to straighten my crooked toes and easing my feet into my all day memory foam comfort shoes, shoes so comfortable they could be slippers. My elegant Josephine unisex Kaftan slipped on easily and I puffed away on my rechargeable faux cigarette whilst my breakfast of bacon sizzled away in the microwave perched on a brand new microwave chip pan. No longer did I have to worry about running out of loo roll I thought as I sat on my raised toilet seat and looked affectionately at a special gift, my toilet roll holder that stored four rolls upright and required no drilling to install. Life was good like that.

I had a full day planned, this morning I was going to install those seat savers I ordered to eliminate my sagging sofa, install a new bathroom butler, I say install but the instructions say they are shelves that fit themselves and finally screw on that new attachment to the outside tap that will turn my useless one tap system into four in seconds, that tap multiplier really will get me wet. Which is a good job really as my multi pipe irrigation system for my low maintenance hanging baskets need plenty of water, thinking about it I could wear my Aerator Sandals at the same time to spruce up my grass with its 26 zinc plated spikes, better mind the hose though, not that it's much of a problem now I have a no fuss put itself away one that never kinks.

For dinner I fancy some microwave chips in my brand new microwave chip pan which I will eat off of my adjustable lap desk. I'm not worried by the extra calories either, my sit down and get a work out eazy bend exercise bike will see to that, not that I'm going out anywhere I have mattress stains to remove!

I looked at my accurate to one second in 1,000,000 years radio controlled talking watch and checked it with the alpine army one on my other wrist, better get a move on I thought.

It's quite surprising how fast time goes when you have things to do and now I'm sat full of chips cycling away at a comfortable 45 degree angle removing ear wax with my vacuum ear cleaner thinking of jobs for this afternoon. Pulling my companion table towards me I moved the remote control holster and pushed aside my big button easy phone just as the clock chimed duck. Ah, there it is, my tile grout pen, I could whiten those grotty areas that keep cropping up and install that cheeky folding shower seat next to my 33 percent longer mould free non slip bath mat.

Pushing my way through the practical bamboo curtains I have in each room and making sure my pest repellent force field digital pulse insect repellent were switched on I began having fun in the bathroom. Before long I had built up quite a sweat and sat down on my portable booster cushion as thoughts turned to tea time.

Chips it is in my brand new microwave chip maker, have I told you about it? It's great, apparently it also cooks bacon and chips. Did I say chips before? Can't remember, anyway have I told you about my microwave chip maker?

Can't sit chatting dear I have to go to bed, the clocks chimed donkey and it's way past my bedtime, I don't normally stay up past goose and watch you don't trip over the cordless robo sweeper on the way out. Did I tell you about my microwave chip pan?

Shreddies

It's the return of 'Well I Never!' And this weeks question comes from Ms Twiddly Ramsbottom in Oxfordshire who wrote in asking what she can do with a box of Shredded Wheat found at the back of the kitchen cupboard as she has no idea where it came from or indeed what to do with them.

Well Ms Twiddly, fear not, for today we have twenty things to do with surplus Shredded Wheat. You ask, we answer!

1. Replace all the tiles on the roof of your house with shredded wheat for an instant thatched cottage look.

2. Due to their rough texture they make ideal pan scrubbers for baked on food.

3. Two tied around your shins provide protection when playing sport. Pop one down he front of your trousers for extra protection.

4. Or put one in your swimming gear when taking a dip to impress.

5. Nearly forgot, make sure it's in the front of your swimming gear and NOT the back.

6. Don't follow number 4 if you wear a bikini.

7. Strap one to each of a cats paws for a makeshift buoyant set of shoes that allows cats to walk on water.

8. Mini Shreddies attached to wire make attractive earrings and you will always have a snack to hand if you feel peckish.

9. Paint your shereddies green, yellow, blue and red to give yourself an instant set of Sticklebricks. If they fail to stickle dip them in milk first.

10. Place a Shreddie in a bowl cover with orange juice and leave for twenty four hours. Return to your Shreddie now that it has soaked up all the juice and stick a fork in the narrow end making sure it penetrates the Shreddie at least half way. Place your Shreddie fork combo in a freezer and wait for a warm day. Simply remove from the freezer, hold the fork and munch away on a refreshing cooling orange lolly with plenty of roughage. If you drop your Shreddie use the handy included fork to eat it off the floor with no mess.

11. A Shreddie placed in the back of your pants will avoid embarassing flatulance problems by absorbing any smells and muffling any noises. Remember to replace every twenty four hours due to shedding.

12. Crumble six shereddies into a tray to create instant pet litter. Once soiled pour in milk and leave five minutes until it turns into a solid lump that can easily be lifted out and disposed of.

13. Using glue stick one to each heel of your shoes to turn them into Cuban heels and look fashionable.

14. Ladies are your eyebrows too thin? Using two mini shreddies covered in black mascara attach them using nail glue to where your eyebrows should be. Now you will be able to flutter your eyebrows along with your lashes when you do a duck face.

15. Paint a Shreddie white or black and stick a piece of foil to one side. Hold it in one hand and tap it with your other, occasionally swipe your Shreddie to give the impression you have a smart phone or iShred. Hollow out your Shreddie and pop your old phone inside to give a more realistic effect especially when you receive a call.

16. Having trouble shredding your Shreddie? Turn any bike upside down and spin the wheels. Thrust your Shreddie into the spokes as it rotates and voila! You will be amazed, bike wheels make fantastic Shreddie shredding shredders.

17. Own a kindle but want to impress friends with your extensive library? Take a box of shreddies and paint them booky colours like dark reds and greens. Using a gold felt tip write amusing and serious titles on the side and arrange in an empty shoebox.

18. Make a joke 'floater' by covering one in chocolate and leaving it in an unflushed toilet.

19. Use shreddies instead of expensive briquettes for your barbecues.

20. Write a blog about using shreddies in unusual circumstances to avoid painting for as long as you can until you get to number twenty and realise its time to start work.

21. Carry on typing hoping it may go away.

22. Realise that you are delaying the inevitable.

23. Cry.

24. Look out of the window.

25. Make a coffee.

26. Look at painting and panic.

27. Realise you need to finish the blog entry otherwise you will never paint and become destitute finally selling your body for shillings on the town hall steps.

28. Like last Friday when I made fifty pence.

29. Maybe I should have charged a little more.

30. Especially when it included feathers and a donkey.

31. Ahh, just thought of another one.

32. No I haven't, Shreddie based staircases are not funny.

You are sure to find something in there Ms Twiddly, good luck with your Shreddies and don't forget to send us all your Shreddie related pictures.

Goodbye from 'Well I Never!', don't forget to read our companion blog 'Bugger Me!' A week on Tuesday where we will be telling you how to make a fairground ride from surgical trusses.

Now That's Tragic!

For one day only the secretive Tragic Circle throws open its doors to reveal some of its secrets exclusively just for you. These sorcery secrets have remained covered in secrecy and kept secret for a secret number of years. Indeed they are so secret that its secret that I even know the secrets contained in today's secret blog. So get ready to learn real tragic secrets that confound and fool the professionals.

Lets start with a mystery number secret. I like to call it the Number Secret!

Face your audience and ask them to think of a number between 1 and 50.

Get them to double it.

Tell them to add 22 then ask them to divide the result by two.

Face your audience and proudly announce...

...is this your card?

Retire to your dressing room to rapturous applause and watch your bookings come in.

HOW IT WORKS

The mental power needed by the audience drains them into submission so you can bend their thought patterns to get the result you want.

Next, The Mentalist!

Strut on stage and tell your audience that they are going to see the best piece of tragic they have ever seen.

Tell them to stand on one leg.

Using their left hand get them to pat their head.

With the remaining right hand ask the to rub their tummy in a clockwise direction.

Now, and only now, ask them the important question 'Name an orange vegetable'

Everybody without exception will tragically say 'Apple'. Once again strut off to shouts of amazement.

HOW IT WORKS

Rubbing your tummy and patting your head caused static to build up in your tummy button, this is discharged to the brain causing a retiring of the thought process. The only thing they can then think of is 'Apple'

Next our finest most complex tragic secret ever and one that all Tragic Society members must memorise upon joining.

The Circle Of Tragic Mystery Of The Ancients

Ask you audience to draw the above, a circle with a dot at the centre without taking the pen off the paper.

Laugh uncontrollably as they feebly attempt to do it. Call them names as they struggle, swear at them for being so stupid. After they have failed miserably enough times snatch the pen from them and proudly announce that you have a far superior brain and you are now going to show all the stupid people how to do it.

Here's the complex bit, fold over the corner of the paper carefully.

Take the pen and start with a dot at the corner of the fold and follow the complex guide above to see the direction the pen should take.

Lift up the corner and complete your circle to applause, cheers and armfuls of flowers. Enjoy a successful career as a television magician until you fall out of favour. Don't forget to bolster your image by pretending to do dangerous stunts in complete safety until you manage to make it to Las Vegas where you will get mauled by a lion.

One final secret, remember the question I asked you three years ago to this day? Well, is this your card?

Thought it was, I'm so impressive.

Today's blog has been bought to you by Paul Blaine Ali Bongo Nixon Daniels, senior member of the Tragic Circle.