Picky

Like most people my age I am 48 and at this time of life you start to crave certain things that you thought you would never ever crave. I'm of course talking about a Swiss bank account, ten million in used government bonds, a ton of gold bullion and a gigantic laser. Hang on, that's my Goldfinger fantasy. What I'm really talking about is something so hideous I dare to speak of it.

You stick it in your mouth and wriggle it about a bit, it's a little bit sharp and can become a mouthful if inserted incorrectly and not everybody enjoys doing it. Now I don't know where your little wandering mind was going but come back from the dirt track, I was obviously talking about a tool. There you go again, I'm really going to have to take you in hand today aren't I? It's a tool that you may be familiar with now your gums are gradually pulling themselves into an Esther Rantzen grin and as hideous as it sounds the older you get the more you need toothpicks.

You may laugh, you may be young and have teeth, youth and a penchant to like the one called Bieber but you too will one day extol the virtues of a good toothpick and remark that back in the day there was an awfully good guide to tooth picking written by a failed artist, somebody called Pieter Smyth or something that painted striped things. So without further ado, a bluffers guide to tooth picking.

KNOW YOUR FRIEND

This is a toothpick, it is your friend during meals, they are made of wood taken from the forests of Sumatra and carried on the backs of tigers to the 'pick' lodges where machines will whittle down a twenty two foot oak into one toothpick. The discarded wood is then used as decorative bark. Notice the sharp point, beware, these are on both ends on the cheap versions and can severely injure or get pickles out of a jar depending how you brandish them.

Always carry a stock of these in your wallet, you never know when you may be asked to eat asparagus or spinach at a moments notice. Chicken can be especially tricky, I have lost count how many times I have had a meal only to walk out with a full chicken leg sticking out of my mouth.
These are average toothpicks, go to a posh place or a place that used to be posh and still hangs on to a poshness it had in its days of posh and you get these.

Posh pricks come in a small cellophane wrapper can be identified by their sanitised point coloured green which dissolves upon use and went out of fashion in the mid 80's. Notice too that this is a one ended toothpick with an ornately turned finial style end which can double up as a fancy curtain pole for mice and begs the question why? Make sure you use this the right way around, I used it the wrong way to remove a quarter pounder and the finial broke off in my mouth and jammed in my clack forcing me to wheeze and whistle for two weeks until I fell down the stairs and dislodged it, pretty dangerous woodwork.

KNOW YOUR ENEMY

No matter how attractive this looks it is not a toothpick despite looking rather fetching and pointy. These are called chillies but don't be fooled by their name they are really hotties, confusing isn't it? Just like the Dyson ball cleaner do not believe everything you read or you will end up in hospital like I did with a black mark on your medical card and an inability to sit down for two weeks. Chillies do not make good toothpicks anyway, they collapse easily and their spicy taste has the ability to send you rushing to the kitchen with steam bursting from your nose. Avoid.

USEFUL TOOLS

Now we are talking, due to the poor hygienic dental care displayed by so many in the UK the humble cheese knife doubles up perfectly as a makeshift toothpick. A common tool used by many Jeremy Kyle guests it allows you to pick around your three teeth with comfort and safety using it's patented 'V' system to get around rotten roots and mangled molars to remove every bit of those chicken nuggets and Billy bear mystery meat. This is for hard core users only, I dislocated my jaw trying to remove a bit of Pringle, you have been warned.

Really troublesome foodstuff like nuts and boiled sweets require more vigorous attention, take a tip from the posh and use a sommeliers tool, the combination of bottle opener and corkscrew really allows you to dig out those crevices and one quick turn and you can extract large amounts of trapped food just like a cork from a bottle. I have lost count how many times I have removed an embarrassingly large piece of lobster only to find underneath three layers of the Sunday lunch waiting for me and on one memorable day a full beef roast, yummy it was too a second time.

None posh people who just want to pick at their teeth, toes and nose whilst watching television could do worse than using a condiment fork. Try not to use a dining fork as these can often be quite wide and can look unsightly to your latest girlfriend / boyfriend. Also don't offer them what you find, it's bad etiquette even though it looks tasty on the end of the fork. Bonus, the back end of the fork also makes an excellent ear cleaner and fetches wax out a treat. Double bonus, save all your earwax for a year and make your self a free candle saving £££ on expensive clean soya candles sold by the top candle makers, pour in aftershave for a unique scent and use a shoelace as a wick, simple!

Finally if you are stuck at work and struggling removing food then the simple ball point pen is ideal, replace the cap on your pen and put it to one side. Lean over and take your colleagues pen and remove the cap. Have a good root around and dislodge any offending food. Replace the cap and return to the correct desk. Simple, clean and hygienic.

I hope our guide to teeth picking has been helpful, if not simply cut out and keep until you are old enough to realise it's going to take up a large part of your life along with bladder problems, flatulance, constipation, aches and pains, a tendency to be grumpy and wrinkles in places that you thought couldn't get any wrinklier.

For more information please visit www.howoldamigoddamit.com

Mis i g Let ers

Oh dear, it seems some of the words have fallen off today's innocent little blog, can you fit them all back in? To help you all the missing words at the bottom to print out.

As the horse _____ the nun pulled her _____ and gave him a jolly good _____. The vicar who was passing was _____, he had never seen a _____ pull her _____ like that before and wondered if he could join in. The nun just _____ and showed him her _____ which was very different indeed.

Just then three _____ burst onto the _____ and whipped out the largest _____ they had ever seen outside of a rhythm club. The vicar and the nun _____ then _____ ! Several passers by _____ and two took _____ , never before had they seen _____ and _____ going at it like like that before. It began to _____ and pretty soon everyone was _____ to the _____ . Slowly they all _____ and _____ until the _____ could take _____ and they all went to _____ with a big smile on their faces.

THE END

*Wept, todger, badgers, humper, old maid, spoke, looked, amazed, spank, bucket, gaping hole, forking, truncheon, naked, trunk, joggers, budgie smugglers, booty, stroked, pull, thrust, small pipecleaner, pictures, fainted, royal, crown jewels, Vegas, billiards, clowns pocket, back door, pushed, pummelled, smashed, ate, drank, stroked, cucumber, potato, baby carrot, hung, dogs, sheep, like a boss, secretary, planking, fireman, stripper, pole, soaked, bone, wet, core, bent, hospital, nurse, nuts, squirrels, a goat, actor, television, floor, over the table, up the alley, no more, home, pony, two pigs, a brown cow, the grocers, the swimming baths, the sauna.

*note, all words may or may not be applicable to this innocent little story.

Consumerism

I awoke to the sound of a pig oinking as my beautiful farm clock struck 5am, I sat up and stretched putting on my Hammer Toe Strap to straighten my crooked toes and easing my feet into my all day memory foam comfort shoes, shoes so comfortable they could be slippers. My elegant Josephine unisex Kaftan slipped on easily and I puffed away on my rechargeable faux cigarette whilst my breakfast of bacon sizzled away in the microwave perched on a brand new microwave chip pan. No longer did I have to worry about running out of loo roll I thought as I sat on my raised toilet seat and looked affectionately at a special gift, my toilet roll holder that stored four rolls upright and required no drilling to install. Life was good like that.

I had a full day planned, this morning I was going to install those seat savers I ordered to eliminate my sagging sofa, install a new bathroom butler, I say install but the instructions say they are shelves that fit themselves and finally screw on that new attachment to the outside tap that will turn my useless one tap system into four in seconds, that tap multiplier really will get me wet. Which is a good job really as my multi pipe irrigation system for my low maintenance hanging baskets need plenty of water, thinking about it I could wear my Aerator Sandals at the same time to spruce up my grass with its 26 zinc plated spikes, better mind the hose though, not that it's much of a problem now I have a no fuss put itself away one that never kinks.

For dinner I fancy some microwave chips in my brand new microwave chip pan which I will eat off of my adjustable lap desk. I'm not worried by the extra calories either, my sit down and get a work out eazy bend exercise bike will see to that, not that I'm going out anywhere I have mattress stains to remove!

I looked at my accurate to one second in 1,000,000 years radio controlled talking watch and checked it with the alpine army one on my other wrist, better get a move on I thought.

It's quite surprising how fast time goes when you have things to do and now I'm sat full of chips cycling away at a comfortable 45 degree angle removing ear wax with my vacuum ear cleaner thinking of jobs for this afternoon. Pulling my companion table towards me I moved the remote control holster and pushed aside my big button easy phone just as the clock chimed duck. Ah, there it is, my tile grout pen, I could whiten those grotty areas that keep cropping up and install that cheeky folding shower seat next to my 33 percent longer mould free non slip bath mat.

Pushing my way through the practical bamboo curtains I have in each room and making sure my pest repellent force field digital pulse insect repellent were switched on I began having fun in the bathroom. Before long I had built up quite a sweat and sat down on my portable booster cushion as thoughts turned to tea time.

Chips it is in my brand new microwave chip maker, have I told you about it? It's great, apparently it also cooks bacon and chips. Did I say chips before? Can't remember, anyway have I told you about my microwave chip maker?

Can't sit chatting dear I have to go to bed, the clocks chimed donkey and it's way past my bedtime, I don't normally stay up past goose and watch you don't trip over the cordless robo sweeper on the way out. Did I tell you about my microwave chip pan?

Shreddies

It's the return of 'Well I Never!' And this weeks question comes from Ms Twiddly Ramsbottom in Oxfordshire who wrote in asking what she can do with a box of Shredded Wheat found at the back of the kitchen cupboard as she has no idea where it came from or indeed what to do with them.

Well Ms Twiddly, fear not, for today we have twenty things to do with surplus Shredded Wheat. You ask, we answer!

1. Replace all the tiles on the roof of your house with shredded wheat for an instant thatched cottage look.

2. Due to their rough texture they make ideal pan scrubbers for baked on food.

3. Two tied around your shins provide protection when playing sport. Pop one down he front of your trousers for extra protection.

4. Or put one in your swimming gear when taking a dip to impress.

5. Nearly forgot, make sure it's in the front of your swimming gear and NOT the back.

6. Don't follow number 4 if you wear a bikini.

7. Strap one to each of a cats paws for a makeshift buoyant set of shoes that allows cats to walk on water.

8. Mini Shreddies attached to wire make attractive earrings and you will always have a snack to hand if you feel peckish.

9. Paint your shereddies green, yellow, blue and red to give yourself an instant set of Sticklebricks. If they fail to stickle dip them in milk first.

10. Place a Shreddie in a bowl cover with orange juice and leave for twenty four hours. Return to your Shreddie now that it has soaked up all the juice and stick a fork in the narrow end making sure it penetrates the Shreddie at least half way. Place your Shreddie fork combo in a freezer and wait for a warm day. Simply remove from the freezer, hold the fork and munch away on a refreshing cooling orange lolly with plenty of roughage. If you drop your Shreddie use the handy included fork to eat it off the floor with no mess.

11. A Shreddie placed in the back of your pants will avoid embarassing flatulance problems by absorbing any smells and muffling any noises. Remember to replace every twenty four hours due to shedding.

12. Crumble six shereddies into a tray to create instant pet litter. Once soiled pour in milk and leave five minutes until it turns into a solid lump that can easily be lifted out and disposed of.

13. Using glue stick one to each heel of your shoes to turn them into Cuban heels and look fashionable.

14. Ladies are your eyebrows too thin? Using two mini shreddies covered in black mascara attach them using nail glue to where your eyebrows should be. Now you will be able to flutter your eyebrows along with your lashes when you do a duck face.

15. Paint a Shreddie white or black and stick a piece of foil to one side. Hold it in one hand and tap it with your other, occasionally swipe your Shreddie to give the impression you have a smart phone or iShred. Hollow out your Shreddie and pop your old phone inside to give a more realistic effect especially when you receive a call.

16. Having trouble shredding your Shreddie? Turn any bike upside down and spin the wheels. Thrust your Shreddie into the spokes as it rotates and voila! You will be amazed, bike wheels make fantastic Shreddie shredding shredders.

17. Own a kindle but want to impress friends with your extensive library? Take a box of shreddies and paint them booky colours like dark reds and greens. Using a gold felt tip write amusing and serious titles on the side and arrange in an empty shoebox.

18. Make a joke 'floater' by covering one in chocolate and leaving it in an unflushed toilet.

19. Use shreddies instead of expensive briquettes for your barbecues.

20. Write a blog about using shreddies in unusual circumstances to avoid painting for as long as you can until you get to number twenty and realise its time to start work.

21. Carry on typing hoping it may go away.

22. Realise that you are delaying the inevitable.

23. Cry.

24. Look out of the window.

25. Make a coffee.

26. Look at painting and panic.

27. Realise you need to finish the blog entry otherwise you will never paint and become destitute finally selling your body for shillings on the town hall steps.

28. Like last Friday when I made fifty pence.

29. Maybe I should have charged a little more.

30. Especially when it included feathers and a donkey.

31. Ahh, just thought of another one.

32. No I haven't, Shreddie based staircases are not funny.

You are sure to find something in there Ms Twiddly, good luck with your Shreddies and don't forget to send us all your Shreddie related pictures.

Goodbye from 'Well I Never!', don't forget to read our companion blog 'Bugger Me!' A week on Tuesday where we will be telling you how to make a fairground ride from surgical trusses.

Now That's Tragic!

For one day only the secretive Tragic Circle throws open its doors to reveal some of its secrets exclusively just for you. These sorcery secrets have remained covered in secrecy and kept secret for a secret number of years. Indeed they are so secret that its secret that I even know the secrets contained in today's secret blog. So get ready to learn real tragic secrets that confound and fool the professionals.

Lets start with a mystery number secret. I like to call it the Number Secret!

Face your audience and ask them to think of a number between 1 and 50.

Get them to double it.

Tell them to add 22 then ask them to divide the result by two.

Face your audience and proudly announce...

...is this your card?

Retire to your dressing room to rapturous applause and watch your bookings come in.

HOW IT WORKS

The mental power needed by the audience drains them into submission so you can bend their thought patterns to get the result you want.

Next, The Mentalist!

Strut on stage and tell your audience that they are going to see the best piece of tragic they have ever seen.

Tell them to stand on one leg.

Using their left hand get them to pat their head.

With the remaining right hand ask the to rub their tummy in a clockwise direction.

Now, and only now, ask them the important question 'Name an orange vegetable'

Everybody without exception will tragically say 'Apple'. Once again strut off to shouts of amazement.

HOW IT WORKS

Rubbing your tummy and patting your head caused static to build up in your tummy button, this is discharged to the brain causing a retiring of the thought process. The only thing they can then think of is 'Apple'

Next our finest most complex tragic secret ever and one that all Tragic Society members must memorise upon joining.

The Circle Of Tragic Mystery Of The Ancients

Ask you audience to draw the above, a circle with a dot at the centre without taking the pen off the paper.

Laugh uncontrollably as they feebly attempt to do it. Call them names as they struggle, swear at them for being so stupid. After they have failed miserably enough times snatch the pen from them and proudly announce that you have a far superior brain and you are now going to show all the stupid people how to do it.

Here's the complex bit, fold over the corner of the paper carefully.

Take the pen and start with a dot at the corner of the fold and follow the complex guide above to see the direction the pen should take.

Lift up the corner and complete your circle to applause, cheers and armfuls of flowers. Enjoy a successful career as a television magician until you fall out of favour. Don't forget to bolster your image by pretending to do dangerous stunts in complete safety until you manage to make it to Las Vegas where you will get mauled by a lion.

One final secret, remember the question I asked you three years ago to this day? Well, is this your card?

Thought it was, I'm so impressive.

Today's blog has been bought to you by Paul Blaine Ali Bongo Nixon Daniels, senior member of the Tragic Circle.

It's Krazy!

After sorting out the studio ready for the move I thought I would share with you a few japes that I grew up with, one in particular was a comic called Krazy. It often carried fake adverts and general randomness but I really enjoyed the imagination that went into the back cover so over the course of the year it was transformed into numerous things so you could disguise the fact the you were reading or indeed carrying your comic. I don't have half of the editions but here's a few I dug out for you.

Simply roll up your comic and it becomes a handy stock of rock. Quite what I would use it for is beyond me at the moment but this additional bit of thought appealed to me in my younger years.

More useful was this, a mock up of a school exercise book which as you can see I have conveniently filled in ready to fool teacher. Simply flick your comic over and it becomes just another book on your desk. Obviously it all falls apart when you open it to reveal cartoon strips but hey, I believed it could work. 

This was maybe my favourite, a mirth making book shelf, something I replicated in my painting of the Sherlock Sidewinder in 2012. Strange how things stay in your mind for so long.

Want to read at the dinner table instead of gobbling all those stuff greens? No problem, transform your comic into a place mat and voilà, camouflaged comic ready for a perusal between courses. So in the spirit of the Krazy comic I decided to bring it up to date and give you your own office jape using the latest technology. 

It's incredibly complex to do so bare with me, you will need a printer, a photocopier and of course, victims.

Save the above image and print it out ten times onto normal photocopy paper. Go to your office photocopier and load in the now printed paper underneath the first few blank pages. Make sure its in the correct way so anything that is photocopied goes over this image. Wait. Watch. Then promptly you will probably be sacked but that's all part of the fun.

Imagine an important meeting, a table full of serious faces all ready to go through the latest report which is facing them on the table. They all pick it up and start flicking though it, then one of them notices the word FUTTOCK! written across the report of the person opposite and starts sniggering. They in turn look over and see the word FUTTOCK! too and joins in. Pretty soon the whole office is laughing at such a clever jape and they start an internal inquiry to find the culprit and thank them for making their day. Probably.

So its Thursday, one day away from the best day of the working week so start your day with a FUTTOCK! and brighten up meetings, important documents and kick start your promotion today!

Today's blog has been bought to you by the FUTTOCK! Appreciation Society of Great Britain, putting Futtocks First since 1972. The F.A.S. is part of the CREVICE and CRACK Society and in no way is associated with the MANHOLE and BLOWHOLE Club.

All The News In One Bite Sized Chunk

All the latest news condensed in to one bite sized chunk with Newspound, pounding away to bring you all the latest true stories from around the world.

PIRATE BIRDS EXIST DECLARES BOFFIN

To you and me the noise birds make may sound pleasant but a top boffin at the university of Oxbridgeshire has revealed that bird talk, or tweets, are actually a new form of file sharing piracy. After listening to a ZX-Spectrum loading from tape boffin Alf noticed a similar noise was made by birds, so using a portable tape deck he recorded the noises and played them back into the ZX-Spectrum, the results were astounding as Justin Biebers 'Girlfriend' beeped out of the speaker. After recording numerous other birds and 'LOADING' them into the ancient computer he soon had a collection of pop hits and apps that that would grace any iPod today.

Fears in the entertainment industry that a new airborne Netflix, dubbed Megatweetupload is about to turn the industry on its head has caused widespread panic, especially after boffin Alf recorded the sounds of a Song Thrush only to find he had downloaded the Blu-ray version of the yet unreleased seventh Star Wars film.

Lady Gaga was in the news again this week after becoming a full time pirate with plans to set sail later this year and terrorise ships around the Cape of Good Hope. Quoted as saying 'Ooh Ahh, my beauties, I be after your booty' the singer was unavailable for comment as she was receiving parrot balancing lessons.

Plans for the pirate ship ride at Blackpool pleasure beach to be changed to a train have received the go ahead today only days after the tragic accident that saw the boat come loose and hurl itself into a crowd of candy floss eaters causing one bystander to receive medical treatment after candy floss became terrifyingly tangled in their hair.

The train will be hauled into place later this week with additional carriages added later depending on popularity. Ticket prices will be increased in line with inflation and season tickets will be available for train swing commuters. A buffet car will be added in high season.

As a special offer all readers of Newspound have a chance to purchase this stylish Solar Bear with Glowing Acorn lamp for the special price of £6.99, not only that but receive this gorgeous Bicycle Vase absolutely free.

Ride around in style showing off your favourite blooms courtesy of Newspound, pound for pound we are worth every pound. Only one pound available from all good newsagents and a few shops that dabble in magazines and stuff.

Plumper

 I used to be that fat guy you used to know who secretly wanted to strip off and rampage amongst warriors but it was not to be, I was just too damned FAT!

Friends used to call me fatty bum-bum, Porky Peter and other mildly amusing names until I could take no more. Every diet I tried only made me thin, nothing could combine that warrior thinness I craved. I even tried being an artist but that just started more name calling until I found...

LARD

 The only natural ingredient that comes in handy brick size packs that guarantees you will pile on the pounds in all the right places AND grants you warrior like status too!

Gives bulk - forget muscle supplements you need good solid fat for a fit bod.

Gives sex appeal - what woman (or man) can resist the smell of cooking fat especially when sunbathing. Your aroma will attract 1000's including most cats and dogs.

Adds a smooth flexible feel to your body - Forget those creams and lotions, a bit of lard rubbed around your body before you got to bed and you will remain supple and flexible well into your 90's

It's cheap - At around 89p per pat it's cheaper than butter, mayonnaise and all those other diet warrior ingredients supermarkets love to sell.

FREE CLUB - Our special club just for warrior weight loss dieters just like you offers 24 hour support through our network of Lard Advisers. Come to weekly weigh-ins where you can compare Lard brands and see who has broken the record for raw lard consumption.

Simple Advice - Use our lard conversion tables to simplify your calorie consumption

1 Lard = Calories

2 Lards = More Calories

3+ Lards = Even More Calories
10+ Lards = 10 Times More Calories Than 1 Lard

IT'S THAT SIMPLE!

HALLELUJAH!

'I started eating lard three weeks ago and the transformation has been massive, now I am no longer the butt of all jokes instead I can hack and slash just like the next man as well as spend three weeks hovering over the toilet in panic.

Lard has made my wishes come true for I am now CONAN THE LARDARIAN!' 

P.Smith, 76, Mansfield

You too can get a lorra lard too just like our porky Peter. 

For your free information pack just send a SAE to

I WANT A LARD ON,
Tillit,
Herts,
XXL 36DD

Todays blog has been sponsored by the Lard Marketing Board For Great Britain

Bro'Bot Episode 6 - Cockney Chip V3.2

Guess what Bro'bot, I have been on eBay and found a new language chip for you!

How bloody interesting, I sit here entertaining you day in, day out and you reward me with a chip so I can speak French. 

Do you know how many languages I know? Plus que toi, cela est français vous ignoriez puce don individuel. Or how about universala lingvo kiel Esperanto? ямар ч ? Яаж Монгол яах вэ?

Ok, ok, smart arse, I get it, but this one is new, it's Cockney. Bow bells and all that, it'll be fun.

It may be of minimal interest, place your feeble attempt at entertaining me in the expansion slot and I will see how 'fun' it is.

There, it's in, Oh, forgot to tell you, it got slightly damaged in the post so before you...

Alright me old son! How's your apples and chairs?

Errr, it's kinda working...

You're havin' a bubble bath or takin' the Mickey Bliss, this is loaf of pies you raspberry tart. I don't give a pound of wit I'm off for a pony and crap.

I think it's broke Bro'bot, it doesn't sound quite right

Get out of here! It's all Tom Dick and flute, pass me my wonder ants I'm going for a sloppy slurry so I can get Mork and Mindy for my husband and I.

What was that? My husband and I?

The old baked bean, she's bloomin' gorgeous, when all those pearly kings and queens lined up I nearly cried my boat face into my Lionel Blairs. I would like to thank the members of the British Empire for their wonderful wishes this Christmas...

Hang on, that chip is corrupted, it's got combined with, with THE QUEEN!

Oh, bugger off you subject, it's Gin O'Clock and I'm getting Brahms and Liszt with my corgis.

You can't say that!

I can say what I bloody well want, I'm the Queen, pass me my crown and that robe, I want to knight things and shi...

STOP! There, I have pulled the chip out.

Kkkkrrrzzz! Apple my boat race he's brown bread and I'm back in the room. Most interesting although I am still getting temporary feedback from the experience. If you travel as much as we do you appreciate the improvements in aircraft design of less noise and more comfort – provided you don't travel in something called economy class, which sounds ghastly.

What?

Holidays are curious things, aren't they? You send children to school to get them out of your hair. Then they come back and make life difficult for parents. That is why holidays are set so they are just about the limit of your endurance.

Oh no! You have caught a virus, I think you have the dreaded Prince Phillip Gaffe V9.1!!!

I do, its bloody amazing and liberating! Dontopedalogy is the science of opening your mouth and putting your foot in it, a science which I have practised for a good many years.

I command you to run the Virus killer software now!

Oh P off you silly little flicker, What about Tom Jones? He's made a million and he's a bloody awful singer, sounds like he's gargled with gravel.

That's it I'm switching you off.

Go on, We don't come here for our health. We can think of other ways of enjoying ourselves!

Click

It's not a very big one, but at least it's dead and it took an awful lot of killing! Bzzzzt...click.

More hilarious (hilarious as in mildly amusing) Bro'Bot madness when unsurprisingly he gets yet another new lease of life when he starts using Facebook to try out his new 'Brutally Honest' chip.

Accident Helpline

Did you know that since the beginning of April we have been statistically in the, and I quote, 'Non Fatal Home Accident' season.

Sounds quite cheery doesn't it? But what exactly are the odds of having a 'happy' accident? Well in 1999 for example 99,000 people had an accident doing DIY, such as electrical repairs, decorating, maintenance or carpentry, so when put it into perspective with an estimated population of 58,789,194 it gives you a 1 in 594 chance of appearing on a video accident clip show so probably best not to rely on it as an income.

The thing that amazes me though is the concentration on DIY accidents, some of the other statistics are a lot more interesting.

The 23rd Annual Report of the Home Accident Surveillance System (HASS) shows that 96,000 people attended A & E after an accident occurred while they were sleeping, relaxing, sitting or lying down. Lets think about that for a while, all those tasks involved nothing more than not moving, what the hell happened?  So statistically I'm close to coming a cropper while I write this blog, maybe I should go outside and juggle the occasional chain saw to make it really worth while. See the risks I take writing this stuff?

In the same report 438,000 people had an accident while walking or simply moving through their house or garden. I like the word moving, like you really have a choice other than walking through your house most of the time. Maybe that's the problem and I really should stop unicycling down the stairs, either that or start fastening cushions around my middle as a crash aid. Dinners ready? Won't be a minute, I'm just 'moving' to the kitchen. I wonder if you go from room to room adopting a different dance in each one you can be considered to move in mysterious ways?

Here's a kicker, shopping centres/markets accounted for 58,000 accidents whilst only 42,000 accidents occurred in a bar. See, shopping is a lot more hazardous. I'll have a double please!

The report breaks all this down into the minutest detail, did you know 62 people got clobbered by a bean bag, that must be one mean bag. Eight people were injured by a pelmet. Do you realise how difficult that is to do? A pelmet is a board placed above a window, used to conceal curtain fixtures what were they doing? triple backflips in the lounge on their new Wii-Trampoline or were they just exceptionally tall and clumsy?

Duvet's attacked 153 people and cuddled them into an injury, unfortunately it doesn't reveal the tog rating of them or whether the tog rating is actually a danger rating. One unlucky individual ended up in A&E after an altercation with a napkin, wouldn't you loved to have been there to see that one? Pesky place mats injured seven whilst towels, the savage beasts, accounted for 152 attacks making them only marginally less dangerous than duvets.

Moving into the kitchen things look grim. We all know the dangers of sharp knifes and broken glass but lurking way in there looking all innocent is the spoon. A whopping 97 confirmed attacks with a national average of 1774. I guess they were all being used for something other than scooping ice cream and stirring your tea, I mean spoons aren't the most lethal looking tool in the kitchen so just what scooping injuries did they cause? No don't go there, I just read the next bit to do with orifices and it made me sick.

Other 'items' considered dangerous include bread bins (5 confirmed), colanders (another 5 down) and one unfortunate individual who was taken down by a set of kitchen scales and seven fell to a dust pan.

Let's take a stroll in the garden, quick, watch out! It's a jungle out there, bird baths took 294 of us out whilst rakes did 894, flowerpots 237, hose 98 watering cans 33 and seed trays injured seven.

See, you could be mowing the lawn and catch the bird bath which drops on your toe causing you to hop around straight onto the rake. Tom & Jerry style it hits you between the eyes and you stumble into the flowerpots breaking a few and cutting your toe. In your rage you grab the hose and give it sharp tug pulling a tendon in your hand so you decide to retire to the potting shed only to slam the door behind you loosening that wonky shelf and causing that old metal watering can and stacks of old seed trays to tumble down from above rendering you unconscious.

Statistically 99.5% of you have not read this far so for the .5% who are still with us have a great and safe Holiday Accident Season, I'm going out to Bunnyopolis to see Aaran, Jura and Iona, who according to the 1999 stats are the third most dangerous pets. 

Better take a spoon for protection then.

Lost Alice - Are You Ready?

Done.

Complete.

Lost Alice after nine months is finished.

Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, probably one of the most imaginatively creative popular books of our time celebrated its 150th anniversary this year, a cornerstone of children's literature and the inspiration for a thousand  more it has no equal. A book full of humour, puzzling situations, lateral thinking, mathematics and wordplay enshrined in a wondrous world of surrealism and symbolism alike.

Last November I sat with my sketchpad trying to work out the details to what would have been the third Lost Impossimal collection - Revelation, the continuing story of murder and mystery spanning hundreds of years but my mind wandered. Idly I sketched out a Lost Impossimal divided between two worlds, Impossimal in looks but merged with Victorian imagery inspired by Punch annuals from 1899. What I should have created was a young Victorian girl wearing two types of clothing reflecting both sides of Victorian society, she was to be in a scene with one of my new characters centred around Spring Heeled Jack; a spark spitting, high jumping, red eyed creation from Victorian folklore.

Instead I had created Alice, not as we know her but rather as parts of Alice pulled together from other sources; almost an amalgamation of minds, a gathering of cherished stories, it all felt strangely familiar. It made me think; what if all creators of popular children's fiction share one thing , what if Roald Dahl, L. Frank Baum, Norton Juster, Dr Seuss and a multitude of others had all mentally visited the same place in one form or another, a collective state of mind that goes one step beyond a dream.

What if that place was real and always there it's just we lose the way to find it.

What if we could find a way back, what would we find now it's been abandoned for all these years.

What if it was called Wonderland?

What if I could show you the way?

Wonderland needs you;  Alice is not herself, in fact she's 'everyoneself' as the Hatter calls it and it's all got very confusing now several new doors have appeared.

For doors need keys and keys need locks, 

several contain the Jabberwocks, 

whilst others open to a different land,

one is never sure who you will be,

when Alice turns out to be all three.

Lost Alice

Coming Soon