Silly Moo

In times of need there are changes indeed, roll up, roll up and witness the first ever farm and fairground hybrid in the country. Destined to be a 'must see' money saving attraction. Why go to the fair, why go to the farm when you can do both at the travelling Funfarmfair.

Love pigs? Then try our coconut sty and send your nuts flying. Simply load your pigs tail with a wooden ball, guide it into position using a wooden board and walking stick then fire! Kapow! In no time at all you will be a pigapult specialist and also have a lovely new pink friend to play with. Prizes include a years free manure, all the pork scratchings you can eat or our special prize of a chance to muck out Matilda, our twenty six ton Gloucestershire Old Spot using only a dining fork.

Prepared to be scared to death with our spooky Goats Train! Witness goat-ly surprises around every corner as your muck cart trundles around our makeshift barn. Cower I fear as Count Dracugoat swoops from above, cover your ears as you approach the bleating of the Goatshees, be physically sick as Frankengoat sprays you with fresh milk, devours everything in sight and poops small marbles that smell of pure evil. Survive all that and you get to see a real poltergoat in action, you never know where the next bleat will come from. Left or right? Or just maybe YOU will be the one that's bleating to get out alive.

On the Goat Train nobody can hear you bleat.

N.B. The Goat Train is manned by real goats, keep all your hands and limbs inside the muck cart at all times unless you want to lose them. Also hold on to any bags containing food, hats, scarves, gloves, watches, small children etc as our spooky goats get very, very hungry indeed.

Say flook to hook a duck and hi to Hook a Hen its 21st Century replacement. A hundred hens are bobbing around in small boats in a water filled feeding trough. All you have to do is hook their boat using our magnetic hooks and reel them safely in. If you find that the hen has an egg then you get to keep it! How cool is that, real hens, real eggs, real fun. It doesn't get more 'hens on' than this, play more than once to win more and you could go home with an omelette!

Forget mirrors, the Hall of Moos is far superior. Inside we have a selection of cows waiting, simply walk down the line until a cow moos. Stop at that cow and read its name for hilarious results. Are you a Fat Cow? Or maybe a Skinny Cow?, did the Ugly Cow moo at YOU? Such fun. Take along the wife, the mother in-law or any of a multitude of people you wish to be appraised. New for 2013 the Irritating Cow and Loud Cow.

N.B. We do offer a mother in-law special service where for an additional £5 you tell us which cow should moo and we'll do the rest.

Lambs love to run around haphazardly, leaping about like little springs. Now you can enjoy in their gambolling too by using our foam rings and gently trying to hoop a lamb. A simple game that will leave you entranced and delighted all at the same time and put you in the right frame of mind for our next attraction.

Real unwashed wool, dyed pink and dipped in sugar. It's the food that keeps on giving, one stick of candy wool will last forever, well, it seems like forever as you suck away all the sweetness inside. Once done you are left with a pile of fresh wool that you can use to knit yourself a nice jumper. Our gift to you.

We do hope you visit soon, for you information here's where we will be over the next few weeks :

28 April - Old McDonalds Farm, Eieio, Andonthatfarm, Hehadapig. EIE IO. tel. 5318008

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Molly Knickerelastics Rubber Pants

Ahh, it was the title that led you here wasn't it you dirty little minx!

For those of you that are new to this blog you probably think it only gets updated every once in a while, recent posts have been somewhat sparse. Normally the blog is updated five days a week with random guff and assorted stuff from my cluttered up attic of a brain but due to a series of events this year I have not been so diligent in keeping the useless banter up. So, from today, normal service will be resumed with a daily dose of weekday randomness.

I'm a weeks time we start the Lost Alice appearances along with the Car Park Picnics, and if you have never seen a car park picnic then stay tuned, we will bring you all the latest smelly car park reports live each week. Whilst you are waiting let's move along shall we?

Anyway, to kick things off with a multitude of blog entries here's a nice blast from the past to get you in the mood and a taster of the strangeness to come; The Pirate Pie Shoppe.

After having his galleon the Sloop Dog confiscated for firing a volley of sixty guns at a canal boat driven by an elderly couple in Norfolk Captn' Cannon Balls fell on hard times. Finally he managed to scrape up enough pieces of eight after pawning his parrot to open up a pie shop. We join Captn' Cannon Balls on the opening day of The Booty Pie.

In walks his first customer, a slim lady obviously wealthy.

'Ahoy me beauty, youre makin' my roger jolly. Can I interest you in a pie, it's chum free me darlin'

'Errr, I'm sorry, I think I'm in the wrong shop, didn't this used to be Molly's Haberdashery?'

'Aye! 'twas landlubber Molly's before, a fine beauty she was. I'd love to drop anchor in her lagoon'

'I beg your pardon?'

'All fresh me beauty, baked by my own fair hands did I. That's a treasure of a chest you have mind you'

'Hmm how crude, ok, what have you got?'

'I'd be 'avin a Salty Dog, a Beef Booty, a selection of Doubloon Rolls and a fine Minced Urchin Pasty'

'What's a Beef Booty? I'm unfamiliar with most of these pies.'

'It be 'avin beef in it.'

'Beef? What's the booty about then?'

'Booty is the other ingredient me beauty. Let me fire me cannon through your porthole.''

'Vile man, What other ingredient?'

Cough, 'Shark n'stuff'

'Shark!'

'Aye, n'stuff'

'What stuff?'

'It be nuthin to concern yourself with me beauty.'

'What stuff?'

Cough, 'Me first mate'

'Why you murderer! Police, police!'

'You'd not be needin' them me beauty, think of it like buried treasure. I never laid a finger on him'

'Then how did he get in the pie?'

'Shark ate him'

'Seriously? You expect me to believe that?'

'Smartly, me lass, he was mendin' me ship and the shark nabbed 'im'

'So what's in the Salty Dog then, dog?'

'Aye, that would be silly, it's Puffin'

'Puffin?'

'Aye, Puffin the cabin boy'

'Another murder! Help! Help!'

'Now don't be gettin' all haulin' keel, it was his suggestion'

'Oh my god, how can it be his suggestion?'

'He suggested he wanted to be captain of me vessel the Sloop Dog me lass'

'You have a boat?'

'Aye, I do me beauty'

'And is it big?'

'Aye, it's a sixty footer, a cannon for each foot and a crew of thirty bloodthirsty scallywags awaitin' adventure.'

'Hmm, do you have any treasure?'

'Alas no lass, but I have a map. It marks the spot of Great Blacklegs haul, booty beyond imaginin'

'That's a nice cutlass you have there.'

'Aye it is that lass'

'What you need is a good scabbard to put it in.'

'Pardon?'

'You heard me, come show me how you bury your treasure me lad'

'Hang on, I'm the pirate here.'

'Aye, let me scrape the barnacles off your rudder'

'Out! This is a respectable pie shop, out!'

'No need to get your yard arm in a twist, fancy going for a blackjack of grog later matey? I've crushed men's skulls between my thighs'

'Out, out, out!'

The lady leaves.

'Disgusting, absolutely disgusting. I'm not having any of that kind of filth in my shop'

In walks the next customer, a middle aged lady.

'Mornin' lass, yes it is a horn pipe in my pocket and i'm pleased to see you, if you want to see me urchins I'll show you a real yard arm to split your booty'

Sadly Captn' Cannon Balls Booty Pie shop closed down several days later after numerous complaints about suggestive behaviour and inappropriate swashbuckling. Further investigations revealed the Captn' to be a figment of the authors warped imagination just before he was fastened in a straight jacket and placed in a padded cell accompanied by the shouts of 'Prepare to be boarded me beauty' and 'I'll smash yer back doors in'. Psychology results still pending provided they can get him to stop typing random blog entries like this one.

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Lost Alice Appearance Dates

Well the Internet is finally installed and we can now achieve speeds of up to a staggering 32kbps placing us firmly in the digital age somewhere around 1992. Honestly, in a speed of smartphones, driverless cars, drones and ten second celebrities you would have thought it would have been an easy matter to get it all connected and fired up. Oh no, 27 days it took and still I have chance to go and make a cup of tea and watch a few programs before Google loads.

So things are a tad slow and I wish I was exaggerating but I'm not so if things take a little more time to appear and we don't seem as responsive to posts as we should be sorry 'bout that. Good news is, we have Lost Alice appearance dates, YAY!

All are welcome at ANY of the events listed below, the opening event at Bluewater will be the first time the entire collection will be on display and will include plenty of exclusive items for this opening show.

Castle Galleries, Bluewater Saturday 26th September 1-4pm

Castle Fine Art, Newcastle Saturday 3rd October 1-4pm

Castle Galleries, Solihull Saturday 10th October 1-4pm

Castle Galleries, Glasgow Saturday 17th October 1-4pm

Castle Fine Art, Edinburgh Sunday 18th October 1-4pm

The Original Art Shop, Hanley Saturday 24th October 12-3pm

Castle Galleries, Meadowhall Saturday 31st October 1-4pm

Castle Galleries, Chester Saturday 7th November 1-4pm

Castle Galleries, Cambridge Saturday 14th November 1-4pm

Castle Fine Art, Manchester Saturday 21st November 1-4pm

Castle Fine Art, Norwich Saturday 28th November 1-4pm

Castle Galleries, Trafford Centre Saturday 5th December 1-4pm

Hopefully many of you will be able to make it to one of the events, there are still a few more to pop in and I'll keep you up to date with those as soon as I get confirmation.

See you there!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Explination

"Lost Alice" was shown for the very first time at an exclusive event held on the 6th-7th September at the ICC in Birmingham. Overwhelming response has been one of the biggest delays in getting all the information and photos ready for you all to see along with an enormous amount of background work but we are racing ahead to try and complete everything on our small Samsung phone with random Internet connection as soon as possible.

Time's like this are incredibly frustrating so I thought I would fill you in a little more on what is happening behind the scenes. Lost Alice is probably the biggest creation over my Impossimal career, not only does it encompass paintings but also lots and lots of background material pulled together over a ten month period to help create the third 'Alice' book. This alone was a major task and we are still adding things and adjusting items to enable us to include the first four chapters in a special 'Lost Alice' brochure at the end of the month. The sculptures in the collection again took nine months to create and manufacture working with several partners in the UK and overseas, a logistical nightmare on occasions that finally paid off with some of the most detailed and complex ones to date, these look to be available again at the end of the month.

All this required a tour to allow collectors to see first hand and in detail the entire collection, around fifteen dates were chosen and galleries appointed over the last two months, again, moving and entire collection around up and down the country took a while to organise but we have managed to pull in a few galleries like Newcastle that we have not visited for five years.

An official release date has been penned in for the 26th September, in two weeks time when a special opening event will occur at Castle Galleries, Bluewater. Everyone, including you! is invited, on the day we will have a multitude of Lost Alice pieces along with marquettes, originals and assorted goodies. We will then start the tour spread over the next three months.

Hopefully the special souvenir brochure will also be available in time with four complete chapters from the new 'Lost Alice' story, this will be added to every month with additional chapters published online. There are fourteen chapters in total making up the book and plans are in place at the end to publish all fourteen chapters with illustrations AND twenty Lost Impossimal stories AND The Making Of Lost Alice in a special commemorative book called 'Lost Alice & Other Tales' pictured above.

So it's all coming albeit not as quickly as we would like but a big thank you for the overwhelming support so far with so many pre-orders hitting the galleries and we can't wait to share it all with you.

Lots of stuff to come we promise with plenty of unusual things, just ask your gallery what the secret is to the bases of the new sculptures, you may be surprised!

Your Handy Viewing Guide

Whilst waiting for Lost Alice to be released this weekend why not enjoy a spot of television with our handy cut-out and keep TV-Guide, I have been assured that quality programs are regularly aired although apparently not in this country.

***** Rating indicates how much to drink before watching. 

* A wee dram, ** Two pints and a Babycham, *** One bottle of Chablis and a Whisky chaser, **** One Tiger Blood, three Jaigermeister slammers, four jelly shots, a bottle of Stolly and a shandy, ***** Go to the supermarket and fill your trolley with as much alcohol as you can, return home and start drinking at 9am in the morning focusing on ten units an hour, by the time the program comes on your will be in the perfect state to enjoy it.

MONDAY

8:00pm BBC 1 The Great British Strip Off ****

Members of the public get to remove clothing in this new program combining cooking and exhibitionism in a game of strip baking. Judged by the Silver Stoat and Baking Goddess Barely Merry, contestants must create three fantastic tarts and remove clothes exotically to the latest dance tracks whilst host Perky Sue utilises the pole in the centre of the tent. 

6:30pm ITV On The Buses (R) **

Hilarious entertainment in this award winning fly on the wall documentary about Stan the bus man. Watch how he ignores bus stops, brakes quickly to topple old ladies and finally removes the upper deck after driving under a low bridge for a dare. WARNING : Contains scenes of a No.45 to Hull that accidentally drives through Mansfield (18+)

TUESDAY

7:00pm BBC 3. Dr Wooooo *****

Dr Wooooo faces his greatest challenge when a shift in the time space continuum places his toilet cubicle time machine in the centre of the Crossroads motel set. Watch as he battles Benny, has a spat with Amy Turtle and falls through the wall of room two only to reveal its all an elaborate set up to hide Crossroads real motive to sell antiques through the guise of Acorn Antiques masterminded by Miss Babs.

WEDNESDAY 

7:00pm until Christmas Day ITV 1, ITV 2, ITV 3 Z-Factor ******************

Prepare yourself for an onslaught of entertainment by watching something else but if you really must watch this episode lasts for four months so make sure you are on a alcohol drip feed. Highlights include sob stories about pet dogs, that's about it really.

9:00pm FILM Masterchef Goes Bananas C4*** & a fruit cake

When Gorden Ramsical enters the kitchen and cooks a triple chocolate candy coated three foot high starfish with whipped cream and cherries Gregg Walnut takes one bite and writhes around the floor in ecstasy for the next 90 minutes before Jon Terroldio stabs Gorden in a jealous rage over the filleting of a stickleback. One to watch!

SATURDAY

10:00am The Keremy Jyle Show BBC2***** 

Wannabe celebrity guests compare teeth and fight with a chance of winning a prize of a full set of dentures courtesy of ChavChops, dentist to the stars.

7:00pm Strictly Come Prancing BBC1***********************************************

Sexy dancing, stunning sets with well known and cherished celebrities is what this show should be all about, instead get ZZZ listers that cavort and floob around a studio to provide embarrassing routines to slip-shoddy music whilst dads look at the skimpy outfits and mums lust after well toned bodies. 

1:00am TEST CARD BBC (Must Watch!)

See if the noughts and crosses competition running since 1967 comes to a thrilling conclusion with clown just one 'nought' away from victory, will this be the night of nights? Highly recommended!

Ten Things To Consider When Moving House

1) Don't move, ever. If you hear the words conveyancing or mortgage then set fire to your pants, poke yourself in the eye or remove hair using pliers, under no circumstances consider moving unless you wish to endure week upon week of relentless pain.

2) Should you find yourself in the unfortunate position of moving then you require a removals company. These range from a small white van man with a dog called Colin (Colin refuses to lift heavy objects) to multinational companies that expect you to pack everything in square boxes so all they do is left for a few grand. We however choose a delightful option, mid range lorries with a rugby team (optional shared shower at the end)

3) Prepare to change address, most companies will provide facilities to do this whilst others will charge you for the privilege of daring to ask to change it. Expect to be charged anywhere up to £37.62 as we were which is a bit steep when you do it yourself on the Internet and some trainee the other end puts a stamp on an envelope to confirm. Unless of course you are changing address from Mansfield and you need to let a Mansfield company know, in that case you have to hand write a letter and post it recorded, they will then stamp it, make a duplicate, countersign it and write you a reply. None of the 'pop in and we will sort it for you' malarkey, you do it our way or no way.

4) Change of landline number. Be prepared to smash you head against the wall for several weeks as you wrestle with phone companies on the availability of the single engineer to come along and flip a switch for you. Apparently it takes a month, even though the phone line is installed, live with a dialling tone and is used by telemarketing companies to phone us at 2am in the morning to sell us PPI claims.

5) Moving day can be stressful, even more so when the chain you are in all get random bits of information that fails to match. It's awfully confusing when one completes and the other fail to get the same message, very soon a joyous day turns into a shambles as you fight over the keys.

6) The weather. Choose a fine day, not the absolutely miserable mother of a day they we ended up with that gave us 24 hours of non stop drizzle and around two tonnes of mud to swish around the house.

7) When buying a house consider a few things we had to take into account, first we are on a flood plane, secondly we are within range of a military shelling area, thirdly we are within range of a gas terminal that we have to register with in case it suddenly blows and they just find our teeth and last but not least check if you are within five metres of one of the last remaining 200 year old Elm trees in England and check that the seven directional tilt on the house is in fact quirky and not critical.

8) When viewing houses avoid places that bottle brown water and ask you to sample it, it's recycled urine as we found out when the tea tasted funny (seriously, it was wee)

9) Again, don't be misled, a swimming pool advertised that the owners bathed naked in and drank champagne actually turned out to be a children's inflatable paddling pool upon inspection.

10) Don't move.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

My Name Is Alice

Well, this is the first blog from the new Impossimal HQ studio and what a few weeks it has been. We still do not have the Internet, estimates is another two weeks so this is being typed and posted from an itsy-bitsy phone on an ever so weak signal from the bottom of the garden. It's no bad thing, although living without the Internet exposes quite a few limitations, no online banking, limited online grocery ordering, sparse photos of cats doing amusing things, the usual kind of thing.

So why the move? Well, for a start both of us working from a ten by ten shed was never going to last, too little space with plenty of colliding chairs and such and also the size of our artwork was severely limited, I really don't know how we have lasted nearly eleven years in such cramped conditions so out goes the shed and in its place a wonderful new studio space that's eleven by eleven. Only kidding, it's at least four times the size and fully insulated, even better it's in the middle of a special nowhere.

To move house we had to endure twelve weeks of upheaval which at times pushed us and at other times pleased us, either way we are here now and the Impossimals are about to make their biggest return yet.

Lost Alice, a collection and tour completed at the same time as moving, we worked from packed boxes, we worked sitting on crates, we did everything we could to make sure the collection had the minimum of upheaval although even that was difficult when we dismatled the old studio and had to work pretty much anywhere we could set up an easel.

This weekend sees the preview launch at the ICC in Birmingham in which galleries up and down the UK get to see the entire collection for the very first time. You will get to see it pretty soon after with little taster posts across the weekend. All this in preparation for the release of the tour dates where you can come along to various galleries and hear the stories, share your Alice enthusiasm and generally have a good time.

I have purposely kept a lot back from this tour and only let you know little snippets so a little more information wouldn't go amiss. To complete the pieces I had to write another Alice book, it will be available in a short abridged form and the full text will be available on our Lost Alice website a little later along with a lot of the background work. Incidentally ALL the Alice maquettes I created for this collection will also be available from the galleries on a first come, first served basis along with several rather detailed oil sketches and six originals. Jayne has also produced two new pieces to accompany the collection, both pretty stunning and unlike her previous work.

So all in all a busy weekend beckons so let me leave it to the Hatter to finish everything off, it's all going to get rather surreal...

The door blew open with such force that Alice tumbled to the floor, an angry roar came from inside and a billow of flame shot out and licked the sky, Alice rose to her feet only to see a world in turmoil through the door, a red land of volcanoes and arid earth, leaping fire pits and billowing smoke was all around and a tumultuous noise poured out.

"Who disturbs my sleep? Who wishes to feel my wrath? Who wishes to taste my fury!" boomed an unknown voice from out of the turmoil almost deafening Alice.

"Time to finish you!" shouted the Hatter quickly drawing out his knife and leaping towards Alice with an evil look in his eye.

"NO!" shouted Alice in horror as the Hatter, his knife raised high landed beside her, eye twirling furiously as he slammed the door shut and wedged his blade in the door frame to keep it closed.

"That was Anger," said the Hatter nonchalantly, "one of the seven deadly sins you left behind dear Alice, another is Sloth, he makes young girls fail to cut their hair."

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Once Upon A Time

Alice was getting very tired sitting looking out of the tall windows watching the rain, drip dropping on the window pane, the slow ticking of the old grandfather clock in the corner adding to the endless monotony. She idly traced the path of one such drip as it travelled on its way. "Why does it always rain on days that end in day?" thought Alice, which rather surprised her as days were always days and a day was a day like any other day. All this rather confused Alice which was also surprising for a lady a little short of half a century who really should know better than to have such fanciful thoughts.

Placed carefully in the window bottom was a small rectangular parcel, quite scruffily wrapped in brown paper with a disused orange marmalade label sealing the folds. On the front it was addressed quite simply to 'ALICE' followed by a thumb print of the finest jam. Alice knew it was jam as it still had a few pips attached.

It had arrived unexpectedly in an unexpected way as unexpected things do that very morning when a tiny knock on the door disturbed Alice from reading her book. It lay on the doorstep with not a soul in view. "Well!" thought Alice to herself. "How rude! They could of at least have said hello!". It was placed in the window bottom for later, Alice didn't have many surprises and wanted this one to last a while longer.

You may remember Alice from her adventures many years ago, you may have even read about them; Alice however refused to believe that she had been on adventures, she even refused to believe in Hatters and Caterpillars and Queens Of Hearts nor Gryphon's or Cats from Cheshire and far. As for Wonderland she spoke no more, in fact the whole imagined episode was becoming a farcical bore.

No, this Alice had lost something.

A special something that even Alice wasn't aware she had lost in the first place.

CONT.

R U Old?

In this fast paced world it's so easy to overlook the signs of ageing. With new pop stars looking like kids and old pop stars acting like them it's all so confusing. Take this handy cut out questionnaire to see if you are old enough to be considered for the scrap heap.

How would you describe your face?

A) Smoove man no wrinklies like I care, YOLO

B) A bit tatty around the edges as it's seen some things I can tell you but overall not bad.

C) It looks like a leathery dinosaur scrotum.

Where do you shop?

A) Online using the latest gadgets, get wiv it doofus it's sick.

B) At the supermarket usually with a list that I rarely follow.

C) At any place that sells substantial amounts of alcohol to get me through the long days where I feel as though I don't fit anymore as it's all so confusing.

Your friends call you Spider-Man, why?

A) Because I'm one buff mutha that's all over you bitch.

B) Maybe they think I'm cool for my age.

C) When you get in the bath you have trouble getting out again.

Are you forgetful?

A) No way, unless I've dropped some dope man, then I'm sky until morning glory.

B) Ocassionally I will walk in a room and forget what I'm doing there, but a guess that's just my age.

C) I can remember what a bus ticket cost in 1975 and how everything was a lot nicer but can't seem to remember my PIN number. I think its 9263 but they tell me never to tell anyone that so I won't apart from that Nigerian Chief that wants to send me some money.

How would you describe Trippin'?

A) Like I be trippin' all over your grill, I flat roofed a crump it was off the hook, just kotch.

B) Oh dear, I hope that isn't anything to do with drugs.

C) A terrible fall I had in Tesco's that dislocated my hip again.

What makes you swear?

A) Hahahaha you du you silly old f@&£3£, gud god yur so fick its fudge.

B) I try not to swear actually, they go a bit too far on television so I turn the sound down.

C) That bloody Mabel shouting BINGO again the lucky cow.

RESULTS

Mostly A's - young

Well done, you are not old but you may be a bit of a knob, it's not your fault though as there is always someone else to blame and if you can't find that there's always Twitter and Facebook you can vent off on. You do not yet know the curse of insomnia.

Mostly B's - 30-40

You were bought up to be a little more respectful but are also tainted by life, computers still remain a mystery to you although your children can run rings around you. Your body is still in working order but it's ready for an MOT next year as bits are starting to need a little help to stay firm.

Mostly C's - 40+ Ancient, really, really ancient.

You are considered over the hill and look on with disdain at an ever increasingly misguided world. The olden days were the best but now you look in the mirror and start to see the laughter lines changing to bitter trenches of disappointment. Your record collection consists of easy listening and the only knobs you see on a television today are not to change the channel but the celebrities and wannabes. Sleep evades you on a regular basis and the noises you used to make during sex are now the same ones you make getting out of bed. Only this morning you have found you can sit on your own testicles and your breasts touch your knees. No longer a 'looker' your have more of a 'look' and can almost hear the steady hum of a mobility scooter entering your life. 

Cheer up, at least slippers feel more comfy the older you get.

Today's quiz has been bought to you by wwww.oldtossers.co.co.uk, tomorrow try our new quiz, fart or follow through, fun for the whole family!

Make Mine A Large One

(Theme tune)

Is it little? is it large?
We don't know so let us ask,
Little or large is such a blast,
Asking comics from the past.

It's the Little Or Large Show!

(Applause and cue laughter)

Is it little or is it large? Our first guests are celebrity legendary comedians Eddie Large and Syd Little who haven't spoken to each other in years. Take a seat and make yourself comfortable and without further ado here's our first conundrum.

Elephants, are they little or large?

Eddie : They make Syd look like a borrower!

Syd : I'd say they are large based solely on the fact that they are the same size as Eddie.

Result : Large

Matchsticks, little or large?

Eddie : Where's Syd, ah there you are, hiding behind the matchstick again? Hahaha.

Syd : If I had a matchstick for everytime you have told a thin or skinny joke about me I'd own Swan Vesta. They are little, unlike big mouth over there.

Eddie : Well, dagnabbit if it ain't a talking stick that looks like a Thunderbird character.

Syd : Eddie, Deputy Dawg impressions went out in the 70's along with Frank Spencer, Mike Yarwood and that hair perm.

Eddie : Why you little £@!?

Syd : Why you large @£?!@&£?!

Unfortunately we will have to cut it there as we escort our special guests out of the studio, who's next?

We are up for a treat folks with legendary little and large comedians The Krankies, give them a warm welcome please as they come on stage avoiding the fighting double act.

(Applause)

Wee Jimmy Krankie : I told you that beanstalk wasn't safe, just go up you said, it'll be fun you said.

Jimmys Dad, Ian : I didn't know it was unsafe until I shook it.

Wee Jimmy Krankie : Well @&£?! Fan-Dabi-Dozi! That the first time you told me you shook it, it's no wonder I fell off you @")£&!, I only managed to get out Fan-Dabi before I hit the ground. It knocked my Crackerjack badge clean off.

Jimmys Dad, Ian : Oh, did I not tell you that before? Bugger.

Wee Jimmy Krankie : That's the last time I'm dressing up like a schoolboy for you again!

Ahem, I think we should leave it there. Quick! security get them out of the building. Sorry about that folks, let's have our final guest for tonight, it's no other than...

(Applause)

...comedy legends Cannon and Ball, rock on Tommy!

Bobby Ball : That's my line!

I'm sorry, welcome to the show.

Bobby Ball : Tommy, he's just stolen my line, I'm going to piggin hit him Tommy!

Tommy Cannon : Calm down Bobby, he didn't mean it.

Bobby Ball : You little liar! He piggin meant it, hold me back Tommy!

Tommy Cannon : It's alright, let's just get on with the show.

Bobby Ball : That'll do for me cocker, I'm still watching him though. I'm dead excited!

Unfortunately folks we have run out of time, see you again next week at the same time for more Little or Large!

Bobby Ball : Deep piggin down, you really hate me don't yer!

No!

Bobby Ball : You piggin liar, I'm going to have him Tommy, hold me back, hold me back. Gerroff Tommy you've got me skin!

(Applause)

(Curtains down)

(Roll Credits)

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