Your Handy Viewing Guide

Whilst waiting for Lost Alice to be released this weekend why not enjoy a spot of television with our handy cut-out and keep TV-Guide, I have been assured that quality programs are regularly aired although apparently not in this country.

***** Rating indicates how much to drink before watching. 

* A wee dram, ** Two pints and a Babycham, *** One bottle of Chablis and a Whisky chaser, **** One Tiger Blood, three Jaigermeister slammers, four jelly shots, a bottle of Stolly and a shandy, ***** Go to the supermarket and fill your trolley with as much alcohol as you can, return home and start drinking at 9am in the morning focusing on ten units an hour, by the time the program comes on your will be in the perfect state to enjoy it.

MONDAY

8:00pm BBC 1 The Great British Strip Off ****

Members of the public get to remove clothing in this new program combining cooking and exhibitionism in a game of strip baking. Judged by the Silver Stoat and Baking Goddess Barely Merry, contestants must create three fantastic tarts and remove clothes exotically to the latest dance tracks whilst host Perky Sue utilises the pole in the centre of the tent. 

6:30pm ITV On The Buses (R) **

Hilarious entertainment in this award winning fly on the wall documentary about Stan the bus man. Watch how he ignores bus stops, brakes quickly to topple old ladies and finally removes the upper deck after driving under a low bridge for a dare. WARNING : Contains scenes of a No.45 to Hull that accidentally drives through Mansfield (18+)

TUESDAY

7:00pm BBC 3. Dr Wooooo *****

Dr Wooooo faces his greatest challenge when a shift in the time space continuum places his toilet cubicle time machine in the centre of the Crossroads motel set. Watch as he battles Benny, has a spat with Amy Turtle and falls through the wall of room two only to reveal its all an elaborate set up to hide Crossroads real motive to sell antiques through the guise of Acorn Antiques masterminded by Miss Babs.

WEDNESDAY 

7:00pm until Christmas Day ITV 1, ITV 2, ITV 3 Z-Factor ******************

Prepare yourself for an onslaught of entertainment by watching something else but if you really must watch this episode lasts for four months so make sure you are on a alcohol drip feed. Highlights include sob stories about pet dogs, that's about it really.

9:00pm FILM Masterchef Goes Bananas C4*** & a fruit cake

When Gorden Ramsical enters the kitchen and cooks a triple chocolate candy coated three foot high starfish with whipped cream and cherries Gregg Walnut takes one bite and writhes around the floor in ecstasy for the next 90 minutes before Jon Terroldio stabs Gorden in a jealous rage over the filleting of a stickleback. One to watch!

SATURDAY

10:00am The Keremy Jyle Show BBC2***** 

Wannabe celebrity guests compare teeth and fight with a chance of winning a prize of a full set of dentures courtesy of ChavChops, dentist to the stars.

7:00pm Strictly Come Prancing BBC1***********************************************

Sexy dancing, stunning sets with well known and cherished celebrities is what this show should be all about, instead get ZZZ listers that cavort and floob around a studio to provide embarrassing routines to slip-shoddy music whilst dads look at the skimpy outfits and mums lust after well toned bodies. 

1:00am TEST CARD BBC (Must Watch!)

See if the noughts and crosses competition running since 1967 comes to a thrilling conclusion with clown just one 'nought' away from victory, will this be the night of nights? Highly recommended!

Ten Things To Consider When Moving House

1) Don't move, ever. If you hear the words conveyancing or mortgage then set fire to your pants, poke yourself in the eye or remove hair using pliers, under no circumstances consider moving unless you wish to endure week upon week of relentless pain.

2) Should you find yourself in the unfortunate position of moving then you require a removals company. These range from a small white van man with a dog called Colin (Colin refuses to lift heavy objects) to multinational companies that expect you to pack everything in square boxes so all they do is left for a few grand. We however choose a delightful option, mid range lorries with a rugby team (optional shared shower at the end)

3) Prepare to change address, most companies will provide facilities to do this whilst others will charge you for the privilege of daring to ask to change it. Expect to be charged anywhere up to £37.62 as we were which is a bit steep when you do it yourself on the Internet and some trainee the other end puts a stamp on an envelope to confirm. Unless of course you are changing address from Mansfield and you need to let a Mansfield company know, in that case you have to hand write a letter and post it recorded, they will then stamp it, make a duplicate, countersign it and write you a reply. None of the 'pop in and we will sort it for you' malarkey, you do it our way or no way.

4) Change of landline number. Be prepared to smash you head against the wall for several weeks as you wrestle with phone companies on the availability of the single engineer to come along and flip a switch for you. Apparently it takes a month, even though the phone line is installed, live with a dialling tone and is used by telemarketing companies to phone us at 2am in the morning to sell us PPI claims.

5) Moving day can be stressful, even more so when the chain you are in all get random bits of information that fails to match. It's awfully confusing when one completes and the other fail to get the same message, very soon a joyous day turns into a shambles as you fight over the keys.

6) The weather. Choose a fine day, not the absolutely miserable mother of a day they we ended up with that gave us 24 hours of non stop drizzle and around two tonnes of mud to swish around the house.

7) When buying a house consider a few things we had to take into account, first we are on a flood plane, secondly we are within range of a military shelling area, thirdly we are within range of a gas terminal that we have to register with in case it suddenly blows and they just find our teeth and last but not least check if you are within five metres of one of the last remaining 200 year old Elm trees in England and check that the seven directional tilt on the house is in fact quirky and not critical.

8) When viewing houses avoid places that bottle brown water and ask you to sample it, it's recycled urine as we found out when the tea tasted funny (seriously, it was wee)

9) Again, don't be misled, a swimming pool advertised that the owners bathed naked in and drank champagne actually turned out to be a children's inflatable paddling pool upon inspection.

10) Don't move.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

My Name Is Alice

Well, this is the first blog from the new Impossimal HQ studio and what a few weeks it has been. We still do not have the Internet, estimates is another two weeks so this is being typed and posted from an itsy-bitsy phone on an ever so weak signal from the bottom of the garden. It's no bad thing, although living without the Internet exposes quite a few limitations, no online banking, limited online grocery ordering, sparse photos of cats doing amusing things, the usual kind of thing.

So why the move? Well, for a start both of us working from a ten by ten shed was never going to last, too little space with plenty of colliding chairs and such and also the size of our artwork was severely limited, I really don't know how we have lasted nearly eleven years in such cramped conditions so out goes the shed and in its place a wonderful new studio space that's eleven by eleven. Only kidding, it's at least four times the size and fully insulated, even better it's in the middle of a special nowhere.

To move house we had to endure twelve weeks of upheaval which at times pushed us and at other times pleased us, either way we are here now and the Impossimals are about to make their biggest return yet.

Lost Alice, a collection and tour completed at the same time as moving, we worked from packed boxes, we worked sitting on crates, we did everything we could to make sure the collection had the minimum of upheaval although even that was difficult when we dismatled the old studio and had to work pretty much anywhere we could set up an easel.

This weekend sees the preview launch at the ICC in Birmingham in which galleries up and down the UK get to see the entire collection for the very first time. You will get to see it pretty soon after with little taster posts across the weekend. All this in preparation for the release of the tour dates where you can come along to various galleries and hear the stories, share your Alice enthusiasm and generally have a good time.

I have purposely kept a lot back from this tour and only let you know little snippets so a little more information wouldn't go amiss. To complete the pieces I had to write another Alice book, it will be available in a short abridged form and the full text will be available on our Lost Alice website a little later along with a lot of the background work. Incidentally ALL the Alice maquettes I created for this collection will also be available from the galleries on a first come, first served basis along with several rather detailed oil sketches and six originals. Jayne has also produced two new pieces to accompany the collection, both pretty stunning and unlike her previous work.

So all in all a busy weekend beckons so let me leave it to the Hatter to finish everything off, it's all going to get rather surreal...

The door blew open with such force that Alice tumbled to the floor, an angry roar came from inside and a billow of flame shot out and licked the sky, Alice rose to her feet only to see a world in turmoil through the door, a red land of volcanoes and arid earth, leaping fire pits and billowing smoke was all around and a tumultuous noise poured out.

"Who disturbs my sleep? Who wishes to feel my wrath? Who wishes to taste my fury!" boomed an unknown voice from out of the turmoil almost deafening Alice.

"Time to finish you!" shouted the Hatter quickly drawing out his knife and leaping towards Alice with an evil look in his eye.

"NO!" shouted Alice in horror as the Hatter, his knife raised high landed beside her, eye twirling furiously as he slammed the door shut and wedged his blade in the door frame to keep it closed.

"That was Anger," said the Hatter nonchalantly, "one of the seven deadly sins you left behind dear Alice, another is Sloth, he makes young girls fail to cut their hair."

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Once Upon A Time

Alice was getting very tired sitting looking out of the tall windows watching the rain, drip dropping on the window pane, the slow ticking of the old grandfather clock in the corner adding to the endless monotony. She idly traced the path of one such drip as it travelled on its way. "Why does it always rain on days that end in day?" thought Alice, which rather surprised her as days were always days and a day was a day like any other day. All this rather confused Alice which was also surprising for a lady a little short of half a century who really should know better than to have such fanciful thoughts.

Placed carefully in the window bottom was a small rectangular parcel, quite scruffily wrapped in brown paper with a disused orange marmalade label sealing the folds. On the front it was addressed quite simply to 'ALICE' followed by a thumb print of the finest jam. Alice knew it was jam as it still had a few pips attached.

It had arrived unexpectedly in an unexpected way as unexpected things do that very morning when a tiny knock on the door disturbed Alice from reading her book. It lay on the doorstep with not a soul in view. "Well!" thought Alice to herself. "How rude! They could of at least have said hello!". It was placed in the window bottom for later, Alice didn't have many surprises and wanted this one to last a while longer.

You may remember Alice from her adventures many years ago, you may have even read about them; Alice however refused to believe that she had been on adventures, she even refused to believe in Hatters and Caterpillars and Queens Of Hearts nor Gryphon's or Cats from Cheshire and far. As for Wonderland she spoke no more, in fact the whole imagined episode was becoming a farcical bore.

No, this Alice had lost something.

A special something that even Alice wasn't aware she had lost in the first place.

CONT.

R U Old?

In this fast paced world it's so easy to overlook the signs of ageing. With new pop stars looking like kids and old pop stars acting like them it's all so confusing. Take this handy cut out questionnaire to see if you are old enough to be considered for the scrap heap.

How would you describe your face?

A) Smoove man no wrinklies like I care, YOLO

B) A bit tatty around the edges as it's seen some things I can tell you but overall not bad.

C) It looks like a leathery dinosaur scrotum.

Where do you shop?

A) Online using the latest gadgets, get wiv it doofus it's sick.

B) At the supermarket usually with a list that I rarely follow.

C) At any place that sells substantial amounts of alcohol to get me through the long days where I feel as though I don't fit anymore as it's all so confusing.

Your friends call you Spider-Man, why?

A) Because I'm one buff mutha that's all over you bitch.

B) Maybe they think I'm cool for my age.

C) When you get in the bath you have trouble getting out again.

Are you forgetful?

A) No way, unless I've dropped some dope man, then I'm sky until morning glory.

B) Ocassionally I will walk in a room and forget what I'm doing there, but a guess that's just my age.

C) I can remember what a bus ticket cost in 1975 and how everything was a lot nicer but can't seem to remember my PIN number. I think its 9263 but they tell me never to tell anyone that so I won't apart from that Nigerian Chief that wants to send me some money.

How would you describe Trippin'?

A) Like I be trippin' all over your grill, I flat roofed a crump it was off the hook, just kotch.

B) Oh dear, I hope that isn't anything to do with drugs.

C) A terrible fall I had in Tesco's that dislocated my hip again.

What makes you swear?

A) Hahahaha you du you silly old f@&£3£, gud god yur so fick its fudge.

B) I try not to swear actually, they go a bit too far on television so I turn the sound down.

C) That bloody Mabel shouting BINGO again the lucky cow.

RESULTS

Mostly A's - young

Well done, you are not old but you may be a bit of a knob, it's not your fault though as there is always someone else to blame and if you can't find that there's always Twitter and Facebook you can vent off on. You do not yet know the curse of insomnia.

Mostly B's - 30-40

You were bought up to be a little more respectful but are also tainted by life, computers still remain a mystery to you although your children can run rings around you. Your body is still in working order but it's ready for an MOT next year as bits are starting to need a little help to stay firm.

Mostly C's - 40+ Ancient, really, really ancient.

You are considered over the hill and look on with disdain at an ever increasingly misguided world. The olden days were the best but now you look in the mirror and start to see the laughter lines changing to bitter trenches of disappointment. Your record collection consists of easy listening and the only knobs you see on a television today are not to change the channel but the celebrities and wannabes. Sleep evades you on a regular basis and the noises you used to make during sex are now the same ones you make getting out of bed. Only this morning you have found you can sit on your own testicles and your breasts touch your knees. No longer a 'looker' your have more of a 'look' and can almost hear the steady hum of a mobility scooter entering your life. 

Cheer up, at least slippers feel more comfy the older you get.

Today's quiz has been bought to you by wwww.oldtossers.co.co.uk, tomorrow try our new quiz, fart or follow through, fun for the whole family!

Make Mine A Large One

(Theme tune)

Is it little? is it large?
We don't know so let us ask,
Little or large is such a blast,
Asking comics from the past.

It's the Little Or Large Show!

(Applause and cue laughter)

Is it little or is it large? Our first guests are celebrity legendary comedians Eddie Large and Syd Little who haven't spoken to each other in years. Take a seat and make yourself comfortable and without further ado here's our first conundrum.

Elephants, are they little or large?

Eddie : They make Syd look like a borrower!

Syd : I'd say they are large based solely on the fact that they are the same size as Eddie.

Result : Large

Matchsticks, little or large?

Eddie : Where's Syd, ah there you are, hiding behind the matchstick again? Hahaha.

Syd : If I had a matchstick for everytime you have told a thin or skinny joke about me I'd own Swan Vesta. They are little, unlike big mouth over there.

Eddie : Well, dagnabbit if it ain't a talking stick that looks like a Thunderbird character.

Syd : Eddie, Deputy Dawg impressions went out in the 70's along with Frank Spencer, Mike Yarwood and that hair perm.

Eddie : Why you little £@!?

Syd : Why you large @£?!@&£?!

Unfortunately we will have to cut it there as we escort our special guests out of the studio, who's next?

We are up for a treat folks with legendary little and large comedians The Krankies, give them a warm welcome please as they come on stage avoiding the fighting double act.

(Applause)

Wee Jimmy Krankie : I told you that beanstalk wasn't safe, just go up you said, it'll be fun you said.

Jimmys Dad, Ian : I didn't know it was unsafe until I shook it.

Wee Jimmy Krankie : Well @&£?! Fan-Dabi-Dozi! That the first time you told me you shook it, it's no wonder I fell off you @")£&!, I only managed to get out Fan-Dabi before I hit the ground. It knocked my Crackerjack badge clean off.

Jimmys Dad, Ian : Oh, did I not tell you that before? Bugger.

Wee Jimmy Krankie : That's the last time I'm dressing up like a schoolboy for you again!

Ahem, I think we should leave it there. Quick! security get them out of the building. Sorry about that folks, let's have our final guest for tonight, it's no other than...

(Applause)

...comedy legends Cannon and Ball, rock on Tommy!

Bobby Ball : That's my line!

I'm sorry, welcome to the show.

Bobby Ball : Tommy, he's just stolen my line, I'm going to piggin hit him Tommy!

Tommy Cannon : Calm down Bobby, he didn't mean it.

Bobby Ball : You little liar! He piggin meant it, hold me back Tommy!

Tommy Cannon : It's alright, let's just get on with the show.

Bobby Ball : That'll do for me cocker, I'm still watching him though. I'm dead excited!

Unfortunately folks we have run out of time, see you again next week at the same time for more Little or Large!

Bobby Ball : Deep piggin down, you really hate me don't yer!

No!

Bobby Ball : You piggin liar, I'm going to have him Tommy, hold me back, hold me back. Gerroff Tommy you've got me skin!

(Applause)

(Curtains down)

(Roll Credits)

Todays blog has been desperately bought to you by Crap Blog Entries Ltd purveyors of crap blogs since 1763

Move

You may have noticed that there has been little or scant posting of the blog and Impossimal stuff recently, it's not that I have been remiss it's all down to the fact that Impossimal HQ is relocating which unfortunately occurred at the same time as we lost Iona, one of our quirky three continental giant rabbits who live at Bunnyopolis.

So Bunnyopolis 2 begins, this time in a more countrified setting where Aaran and Jura can spend the rest of their days enjoying a little easy living. As you can imagine combining the loss of such a character with a large upheaval and countless other minor and major hiccups has been quite something, however we are within days of bringing everything to a conclusion and finishing the relocation just in time for Lost Alice, this years major release.

In a way the move is very befitting, our new HQ shares the same age as Alice In Wonderlands creator and indeed includes a garden swing and rabbit hole, it's in this new place that I will finish writing Lost Alice just in time for it's first showing at the beginning of September.

We will be travelling up and down the country with the tour; from Glasgow to Sheffield, from Manchester to Newcastle, Lost Alice and indeed both of us will be making an appearance along with many new stories to be told.

New beginnings, new artwork, new stories and new Alice.

We can't wait!

Mary, Mary Why So Sweary?

It's Monday and you're already sat at work bored, what do you do? Well, you could make your very own Sweary Mary Bobbins, all the fun of Mary Poppins combined with the latest crazy for crafting and swearing.

For this you will need :

An old fashioned Bobbin, a match stick, a toothpick or thin piece of wood twice as long as a matchstick, an elastic or hair band, two pieces of blu-tak and of course a brolly combined with your own potty mouth. N.B. Don't use a full size brolly, the gear ratio of your Mary Bobbins can only pull at around 126bhp. Yes, I know there's a pipe cleaner there too, I thought I might need it.

Thread the band through the middle of the bobbin and secure with half a matchstick one side and your longer piece of wood the other. The longer piece will act as the thrust, the shorter this is the faster it will go unless of course it's that short it cannot reach the table.

Secure the shorter end using blu-tak and rotate the larger piece until the band in the middle starts to twist. Keep twisting until you can go no further and the band is tight with tension and Mary is ready to go.

Now very carefully attach your brolly to the longer piece of wood using blu-tak making sure you pin it down as shown, we don't want Mary flying off the handle just yet.

When you a ready shout 'nut sack' and follow it with a tirade of naughty words as you let go, see how many you can shout before Mary Bobbins is spent. You can see in the above picture when I tried it it shot off with such power it crashed through the front door and raced up the street. So apologies to the neighbours for running up the street half naked chasing a speeding bobbin and shouting obscenities again this morning, I don't think they got over the last time, although to be fair I was fully naked then.

For added authenticity you can improvise, here I have added a small matchbox musical instrument that plays 'A Spoonful Of Sugar' and of course a spoon for said sugar, the amount of fun is literally endless!

I'm off to wind it up again and see if I can break my record of sixty two swears, tomorrow we will make a Harry Hill Helicopter out of a boiled egg, a rubber band, two lolly sticks and a pair of glasses.

Believe It Or Not, It's All True!

Did you know that MC Hammer invented flipflops? In 1967 MC Hammer was making breakfast when he accidentally dropped a waffle onto the floor of his luxury apartment. As he was barefooted at the time he stepped on the waffle which stuck to the base of his foot because of the maple syrup that covered it. In his surprise he lost grip of a rasher of bacon and this too fell but draped over toes and onto his waffle shoe effectively joining them together. As he stepped around his kitchen the resulting flip flop sound please him and he realised he had invented some funky new footwear. MC Hammer went on to release 'Hammer Time' with its catchy 'Can't Touch This' and voluminous trouser to raise funds for his flipflop business. It worked and flipflops became the trendiest beach wear around.

MC Hammer once bumped into pop hasbeen Chico and when a passing fan spotted them and asked what the time was it turned into carnage.

 

THAT'S INCREDIBLE!

Bruce Lee once punched Chuck Norris so hard that the resultant blast created the Ngorongoro crater in Tanzania and caused dormant DNA to form into a hundred different species of butterfly.

 

THAT'S INCREDIBLE!

Justin Bieber was once carried by his minder all the way around the world after he found a stone in his shoe and refused to remove it but that's nothing compared to celebrity pouter Nikki Minaj who once purchased two Fabergé Eggs at a whopping £45 million each to stuff down her pants for the ultimate back rack.

THAT'S INCREDIBLE!

Des'O'Connor loves Christmas so much that he celebrates it everyday and dresses up as Santa Claus each and every night. Des starts the day with a smoked salmon Xmas breakfast and follows it up with a full cooked dinner in front of the television. He has an extensive collection of Queens Christmas Day messages recorded on solid gold VHS tapes which he watches from 3pm until bedtime. The only day he doesn't celebrate Christmas is on Christmas Day itself, he celebrates Easter instead and gorges himself on Creme eggs.

THAT'S INCREDIBLE!

In 1881 radio two presenter Chris Evans was a young man who decided to experiment not the gaseous properties of the humble brussel. Using his extensive knowledge of plant husbandry he managed to grow the ultimate wind giving brussel sprout which he nicknamed the 'Little Boy'. Fearing ridicule he borrowed a small island in Indonesia from his friend Richard Branson to test out his discovery. There he cooked the brussel over an open camp fire causing it to crackle and pop as noxious fumes poured out of the brussel that could be seen for miles around.

On the morning of August 26th, 1883 Chris Evans started his initial tests and popped in a small piece of the miracle brussel. It tasted exactly like a normal brussel, disappointed he popped in the remains and bent over to put out the fire.

The resulting blast was the loudest ever recorded in history. Reports from London 3,600 miles away recorded a large rasping sound ending in a high pitched whistle, multicoloured sunsets and an overpowering smell that lingered for two months as Chris's flatulence blew with a force equivalent to 200 megatons of TNT. It destroyed Richard Branson's small island of Krakatoa, created twenty six separate tsunamis and left Chris's designer trousers in tatters. He was later found aimlessly walking in circles muttering to himself and smelling of rotting vegetables.

Many years later Chris joined the BBC but was forced to confess to his island destruction after breaking down on Desert Island Discs.

NOW THAT'S INCREDIBLE!

Picky

Like most people my age I am 48 and at this time of life you start to crave certain things that you thought you would never ever crave. I'm of course talking about a Swiss bank account, ten million in used government bonds, a ton of gold bullion and a gigantic laser. Hang on, that's my Goldfinger fantasy. What I'm really talking about is something so hideous I dare to speak of it.

You stick it in your mouth and wriggle it about a bit, it's a little bit sharp and can become a mouthful if inserted incorrectly and not everybody enjoys doing it. Now I don't know where your little wandering mind was going but come back from the dirt track, I was obviously talking about a tool. There you go again, I'm really going to have to take you in hand today aren't I? It's a tool that you may be familiar with now your gums are gradually pulling themselves into an Esther Rantzen grin and as hideous as it sounds the older you get the more you need toothpicks.

You may laugh, you may be young and have teeth, youth and a penchant to like the one called Bieber but you too will one day extol the virtues of a good toothpick and remark that back in the day there was an awfully good guide to tooth picking written by a failed artist, somebody called Pieter Smyth or something that painted striped things. So without further ado, a bluffers guide to tooth picking.

KNOW YOUR FRIEND

This is a toothpick, it is your friend during meals, they are made of wood taken from the forests of Sumatra and carried on the backs of tigers to the 'pick' lodges where machines will whittle down a twenty two foot oak into one toothpick. The discarded wood is then used as decorative bark. Notice the sharp point, beware, these are on both ends on the cheap versions and can severely injure or get pickles out of a jar depending how you brandish them.

Always carry a stock of these in your wallet, you never know when you may be asked to eat asparagus or spinach at a moments notice. Chicken can be especially tricky, I have lost count how many times I have had a meal only to walk out with a full chicken leg sticking out of my mouth.
These are average toothpicks, go to a posh place or a place that used to be posh and still hangs on to a poshness it had in its days of posh and you get these.

Posh pricks come in a small cellophane wrapper can be identified by their sanitised point coloured green which dissolves upon use and went out of fashion in the mid 80's. Notice too that this is a one ended toothpick with an ornately turned finial style end which can double up as a fancy curtain pole for mice and begs the question why? Make sure you use this the right way around, I used it the wrong way to remove a quarter pounder and the finial broke off in my mouth and jammed in my clack forcing me to wheeze and whistle for two weeks until I fell down the stairs and dislodged it, pretty dangerous woodwork.

KNOW YOUR ENEMY

No matter how attractive this looks it is not a toothpick despite looking rather fetching and pointy. These are called chillies but don't be fooled by their name they are really hotties, confusing isn't it? Just like the Dyson ball cleaner do not believe everything you read or you will end up in hospital like I did with a black mark on your medical card and an inability to sit down for two weeks. Chillies do not make good toothpicks anyway, they collapse easily and their spicy taste has the ability to send you rushing to the kitchen with steam bursting from your nose. Avoid.

USEFUL TOOLS

Now we are talking, due to the poor hygienic dental care displayed by so many in the UK the humble cheese knife doubles up perfectly as a makeshift toothpick. A common tool used by many Jeremy Kyle guests it allows you to pick around your three teeth with comfort and safety using it's patented 'V' system to get around rotten roots and mangled molars to remove every bit of those chicken nuggets and Billy bear mystery meat. This is for hard core users only, I dislocated my jaw trying to remove a bit of Pringle, you have been warned.

Really troublesome foodstuff like nuts and boiled sweets require more vigorous attention, take a tip from the posh and use a sommeliers tool, the combination of bottle opener and corkscrew really allows you to dig out those crevices and one quick turn and you can extract large amounts of trapped food just like a cork from a bottle. I have lost count how many times I have removed an embarrassingly large piece of lobster only to find underneath three layers of the Sunday lunch waiting for me and on one memorable day a full beef roast, yummy it was too a second time.

None posh people who just want to pick at their teeth, toes and nose whilst watching television could do worse than using a condiment fork. Try not to use a dining fork as these can often be quite wide and can look unsightly to your latest girlfriend / boyfriend. Also don't offer them what you find, it's bad etiquette even though it looks tasty on the end of the fork. Bonus, the back end of the fork also makes an excellent ear cleaner and fetches wax out a treat. Double bonus, save all your earwax for a year and make your self a free candle saving £££ on expensive clean soya candles sold by the top candle makers, pour in aftershave for a unique scent and use a shoelace as a wick, simple!

Finally if you are stuck at work and struggling removing food then the simple ball point pen is ideal, replace the cap on your pen and put it to one side. Lean over and take your colleagues pen and remove the cap. Have a good root around and dislodge any offending food. Replace the cap and return to the correct desk. Simple, clean and hygienic.

I hope our guide to teeth picking has been helpful, if not simply cut out and keep until you are old enough to realise it's going to take up a large part of your life along with bladder problems, flatulance, constipation, aches and pains, a tendency to be grumpy and wrinkles in places that you thought couldn't get any wrinklier.

For more information please visit www.howoldamigoddamit.com