Sausage Roll Wreath? Why Fine Sir, I Shall Take Two!

 Festive season is underway with a popular online shopping channel selling the latest in meatery artistry the Festive Sausage Roll Wreath ready to hang on your door to greet guests with the aroma of coarse ground pork and a crisp flaky shell.

But what else have these masters of meatery created for us this year? Lets find out, FEAST your EYES on this, its enough to make you lick your LIPS!

 Holly Stuffed Bangers - The Ripper

Savour these delicate treats as your favourite pork sword gets the festive makeover with a slightly poisonous injection of holly to perk up your groaning Christmas table. Guests will choke with delight as each bite, bites back with springs of razor sharp holly spiced with a sharp tasting inedible berry in each succulent piece. Tickle their tastebuds, tantalise their tongues and hear them squeal out in pain the next morning from the bathroom, it's a veritable edible hoot!

Only £9.99 + £12.99 P&P

Meat Filled Cracker (Assorted)

One pull and your guests will be delighted as each of this set of six brightly coloured crackers contain a selection of oven roasted mystery meats! Items come ready for instant family fun around the dinner table. No washing up, no clumsy tray to carry in and no carving, place a cracker on each plate then watch with delight as our specially packed explosive charge instantly roasts your meat in a flash, literally! (N.B. Guests must stand twenty feet apart to pull, nasal, ear and eyebrow hair may be singed due to the explosive nature of our crackers) Start your Christmas dinner by pulling a bird, or succulent pork with cracking crackling, the choice and convenience is yours!

Choose....

6 x Roast Chicken

6 x Pork & Crackling

6 x Vegetarian Option (Roast Potato)

6 x I Don't Like My Family Option (Chicken Nuggets & Offal)

or our supreme collection...

6 x Exotic Meats (Brontosaurus, Mammoth and Dragon)

Only £129.01 + FREE P&P!

Minced Pies - Offaly Good

Forget mince pies what you really need is the traditional Minced Pies, it's the real thing! Select cuts of choice pieces our butchers say we must get rid of have been blended in another special blend of special spices to turn what is essentially paupers food into shining examples of selling shoddy produce to gullible fools like you (By you, I mean you over there not the nice people reading this blog). From lips, eyes and arseholes these pies have everything!

No, literally, they have everything. I'm not kidding. You just wait until you are chewing for an hour on a rubbery ring, then you will understand.

Only £14.95 from all good supermarkets!

BONUS - BUY NOW AND  Get a jar of PIG LIPS absolutely free!

All this and more at www.ilovefestivemeats.tv.com.uk.ok.im.ill

Really? You Do Surprise Me For An Idiot

Yes, there is a calendar.

Against overwhelming odds we have managed to shoehorn one in this year with twelve lovely Impossimal months for your perusal. Unfortunately because we don't have massive access to large commercial printing facilities we have used a special online service to produce a really high quality ring bound product that incorporates heavy gauge printing and all the bells and whistles to make it a prestige calendar for 2016.

We will post the link a little later but for now a bit of blatant advertising.

WOW!

PETER & JAYNE SMITH & LOST ALICE

IN

SOLIHULL

AT

CASTLE GALLERIES

when?

SATURDAY 10th OCTOBER

really?

YES

BETWEEN 1-4pm!

am I welcome?

YES

EVERYONE IS WELCOME TO POP ALONG

BRING A FRIEND, BRING A LLAMA,
BRING A JABBERWOCK!

WE REALLY DON'T MIND

BUT MOST OF ALL

BRING YOURSELF!

SEE YOU SATURDAY!

I Speak Your Weight, No Coach Parties Please

As supermarkets have now had time to introduce a new voluntary initiative which was bound to work seeing as its voluntary, involving the voluntary labelling of food for health purposes, even though they haven't agreed on a common design yet it is definitely going to be done sometime next year maybe, today's blog aims to bridge the gap and inform but not finger point at yet another attempt in a balanced way.

Food should be fun, after all we are told that eating carb laden salty ridden breakfast cereals or drinking the equivalent of sixteen cups of sugar in one sitting should have us all skipping to work no matter our body shape or size so with that in mind I can reveal the governments new fun facts traffic light system designed to make food fun and informative.

First of all lets forget all the recommended daily allowances, after all they were created when we had to go out of our cave and bash a few dinosaurs for dinner, chasing a T-Rex all day burned up a lot of energy but there was no television. In today's world we have plenty more to do than chase the odd dinosaur such as sitting at a desk or maybe going to the kitchen to make a sandwich which all burn energy, did you know you burn one calorie every minute doing nothing? Probably. So due to our excessive calorie burning we have less energy, don't chase dinosaurs and so need to eat until we feel full. It all makes sense now doesn't it? 

So as you can see our new pie chart traffic light fun facts tells you what you want to know in a glance. We have used green to tell you it's fine, eat as much as you want, orange indicates that it goes well with chips by identifying salt content in relation to an average bag of chips and we don't use red as it puts people off buying stuff. Fill your trolley safe in the knowledge we have done all the hard work for you.

KNOW YOUR FOOD

Only one of these will make you fat and cost more than any of the others, which is it?

The correct answer of course is C, fruit and vegetables are some of the most expensive products in the supermarket and even worse they come raw and get this, you have to combine them and cook them yourself. But let's delve a little deeper and find out why a humble carrot is fattening. 

It's all to do with the letter C and colour, lets take the, one at a time...

A - Cake - It contains a C at the beginning so is safe to eat in large quantities, it's that healthy that supermarkets place them everywhere around the store to help you select the right cake.

B - Chocolate - It contains a C at the beginning again so handy healthy bars are situated at all supermarket tills for ease, at Christmas you can buy healthy strips of chocolate in yard lengths, these are handy and I recommend one of these to be taken daily as it contains large quantities of calcium, that's milk to me and you, plus chocolate makes you feel happy according to surveys funded by chocolate manufacturers.

C - Carrot - BEWARE Although it starts with a C it's coloured orange as a warning. Carrots come from underground where they are exposed to soil and worms. Would you eat something that had touched a worm? I didn't think so. Rabbits eat them and they have big ears and live underground because they are ashamed, carrots taste a bit like soap too or so I'm told by the microwave food manufacturers who have to use them in their meals after lobbying by 'healthyists'. To prevent you accidentally tasting carrots they recommend you overcook them out of existence in your microwave after they have precooked the hell out of them in the factory. Fruit is also a member of this family and they live with birds in the trees and we have all seen bird poop, Urgh!

D - Ice cream - Double bonus, it contains two C's and comes in a variety of colours and flavours. The benefits of ice cream cannot be denied as it can be served with that other super food, chocolate, giving ice cream a coveted triple CCC rating. Manufacturers make sure they are in handy portion sized tubs and recommend you eat one at each sitting, they can even aid midnight munchies and require no preparation like dirty vegetables.

E - Spam - This is a trick one, at first glance it doesn't fit any categories but think about it, it comes in a can and cans start with C so anything in a can is healthy and you can find such delicacies as jellied chicken, hot dog sausages and even a breakfast!

F - Pizza - This one should be obvious, the addition of cheese, there's that healthy C again, adds calcium whilst the fact that it can be cut into triangles allows for portion control. Pizza is one of the most versatile foods and helps a balanced diet by bringing together carbs in the dough for energy, cheese for healthy bones, tomato sauce for taste and twenty six types of processed meat toppings for protein and vitamins. They may be animal vitamins injected earlier to stimulate meat growth but they never did me any harm. Moo. Pizza should be served with garlic butter bread as garlic has health giving properties and the double carbs washed down with a sugary can of pop is an ideal way to fill up and fit up in one sitting.

WHAT DO I NEED TO DRINK?

Health experts recommend three litres a day of liquid. In real terms that means eight cans of fizzy pop, avoid the sugar free variety as its just flavoured water with very little value for money, go for expensive brands to guarantee you get that sugary hit. Engine oil or a little lard mixed in boiling water helps aid digestion and allows that extra sausage roll to slip down a little easier.

IS MY SHAPE HEALTHY?

Look at the government approved chart and decide on your body shape, use the list below to find out the shocking truth.

1. Absolutely perfect, you bulge in all the right places showing a sustained steady intake of fat, sugar, salt and calorie laden goodies with a disproportional body to head shape. Keep it up!

2. OMG, eat something quick. With little or no fat you will constantly feel cold and your muscle tone will look unattractive to members of the opposite sex. You will be considered a freak and shunned by the public, occasionally you will find like minded people herded into groups at so called gyms. You obviously lack all the daily nutrients required, eat dirty food like vegetables and have no sweet tooth you poor thing. There is hope though, start increasing your chocolate and pork pie intake gradually over the next year and I guarantee in twelve months you will be well on your way to a fuller healthier rounder figure and no longer feel an outsider.

3. Curvaceous and bubbly your favourite food is curlywurlys and quavers, a spot on sweet savoury ratio that should see you into maintaining that attractive figure well into your old age.

4. A quality figure taking a leaf from that peculiar triangular quality street shape. A heavy bottom gives you your own portable sofa and you find you can be comfortable sitting in any situation, especially when eating.

5. Way to go! Top heavy allows for some impressive fashion statements, clothes will hang rather than fit, exactly how designers intended and the extra bulk will strengthen your back while you walk.

6. Beach ball beauty, this seasons celebrity shape celebrating the best in booty. Eat plenty of butter, cheese and of course cream to maintain this sort after figure.

7. You are cock sure of yourself so stand up right and be proud of this seemingly stiff posture, don't go to the gym or take any exercise at all otherwise you will imbalance your unique figure.

Now, to celebrate your new found knowledge you need to give yourself a new name to celebrate, so take your favourite food and add your first pets name to give you your Fit Name.

Today's blog has been bought to you by Health Expert Chips Tiddles, president of the governments Fit Fat Program and Director of Massive Microwave Meals For Schools the leading suppliers of fried food for under fives

I Wear Pantaloons

As a reader of this blog this month we are giving you the chance to buy some of the latest in sheep lambology. If you place an order within the next ten days I will give you a foldaway feed bag on wheels entirely free!

 iBaaBaa - Cordless communication with flock to flock technology. £3

Want to know who's on the other side of the hedge? Screen your friends before you let them into the barn from the safety of your straw bed. Comes complete with panic alarm to alert friends when its going to rain and thus avoid them shrinking in the downpour.

 Ladybaa Tent - Hours of fun. Only 14d in coppers.

Keep you amused for ages, simple to erect even a giddy goat can do it. It has a secret entrance and a door. Hours of fun by going in and out the door again and again. Grass free inside, bring your own.

 Posh Storage Table - Saves Space. £999

Ewes show off to your Baafriend with this exquisite space saving coffee table. No more cluttered fields, simply put everything in this handy storage system which doubles up as a nifty hay rack in emergencies. Sit down and nibble a tuft of grass safe in the knowledge your field is tidy and secure. NB Item made of wood, not suitable for pipe smoking sheep.

 Easy Wear Baaftan - Fashion At Its Most Convenient. £1.29

Flattering Baaftan, one size fits all, even ewe. Perfect for all day wear with its full length flowing style. Versatile and waterproof it feels as light as a feather, ideal for use after being shorn. NB Not for use on farms owned by amorous farmers.

 Electric Grindbaa - Super Tool At An Affordable Price. £1000

Sand, grind, drill or sharpen other farm animals with minimum effort but maximum results. Start up a pedicure business, be the first in your field. Remarkable opportunity. Manufactured with lambs in mind, easy grip, comes with fifty attachments.

64K Lambtop - Surf The Interweb. Wi-Fi enabled. Only 2p!

Using the latest Wi-Field technology surf the Interweb whilst enjoying the sun and that ever so special patch of grass you have found to sit on. Laugh at Cats, find Ram Porn, Post on Farmbook! Comes complete with Webcam for Face to Face Baatime. NB Not weatherproof, needs mains supply, please check with your farmer that its available in your field.

Comfy Cushion - Got a Baaad Back? No More! £83.34

Our support pillow is the perfect end of the day comfort your barn has been crying out for. Be the envy of the pigs and cows as you snuggle down into this pillow resting your aching back after chewing the cud for several hours. Lots of fun. NB May smell after a few days, tumble dry for best results. The pillow that is, not you, it may shrink. You that is not the pillow.

Phone orders taken immediately or visit our website at www.sundaysupersheepshopdirect.baa.co.uk

Knicker My Bocker With A Mahoosive Bid!

Don't forget that this week is your chance to OWN Knickerbockergloria, our Ice Cream eating Ice Dragon raising funds for BREAK! Sponsored by Don and Carole of Bluebird Care Norwich. Knickerbockergloria took a month to create with hundreds of ceramic snowflakes, a see through oil painted centre of favourite ice creams and numerous other additions making a unique Lost Impossimal that has received 1000's of visitors over the Summer.

Reasons To Own Knickerbockergloria

It's for a good cause.

It's raising money for a good cause.

Did I say it's for a good cause?

She is gorgeous.

Makes an ideal talking point and ice breaker at parties.

Will look great mounted on a car bonnet.

Can fly (occasionally and only on the sixty fifth Sunday of December if it's an ice moon)

She talks (to me anyway, I cannot guarantee that she will talk to you but she is rather charming none the less)

You will own the only full size Lost Impossimal in the UK.

You get a free gift.

You get a chance to feature in the magazine Mission Impossimal with Knickerbockergloria.

Not many people own a real dragon.

You can add Dragon Handler to your passport and travel first class everywhere, probably.

PLEASE SIGN ME UP FOR THIS INCREDIBLE DEAL, HOW DO I BID?

Glad you asked, simply click here

http://gogodragons.co.uk/auction/

And bid away, the live auction is tomorrow so do something rash and bid big to win big, you've got to be in it to win it, you know you want to you naughty potential Knicerbockergloria owner!

P.S. You also receive the title Lord and Lady Knickerbocker of Gloriana making you rather posh.

To practice bidding here are a couple of blank areas to scribble down potential bids...

I would love to own Knickerbockergloria and make a bid of £_______

I'd be stupid not to bid, TAKE MY MONEY NOW, I bid £_______

Go big, go bid, Go Knickerbockergloria crazy!!!

http://gogodragons.co.uk/auction/

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Sleep Tight

I have recently started collecting old books from my childhood with a particular fondness for a set of books from the Purnell Sunshine Library and Deans International who published lots of Enid Blyton's books. Just in case you didn't know about Enid Blyton she used to write the most fanciful, whimsical children's books that catapulted children into far off lands on incredible journeys. She also included stories about gollywogs, chain smoking and general casual violence and verbal abuse in the nicest possible way.

I'm shocked.

I found the book above after searching for years, it was a favourite book of short stories, unbeknownst to me it also offered some of the darkest stories to issue from Enid's acid pen too. The opening story is quite cute, a girl who had hiccups but referred to them as 'hee-cups' much to the confusion of a couple of elf like brownies (why she called them brownies I don't know). A simple tale to lure you in to a false sense of bedtime security.

Peter's Penci Box is next, a cautious tale of a boy that lies his hat off everyday until his mother at the end of her wits asks him 'Are you a little coward as well as being mean?' And the teacher joins in with a jolly 'I think you are a very horrid little boy.' Way to go Enid, you stick that knife into the young lad and scar him for life.

Pointing out facts in a rude way was also common in the stories. In 'I'll Do Them Tomorrow' a pixie girl is described as plump, dirty and lazy until a local busybody decided to spy on her until she gets off her fat pixie arse to do a bit of cleaning. Further more in 'He Was Sorry For Himself' a selfish boy falls foul of another couple of menacing brownies this time called reddies that decide to, well, this is what she writes...

"Can we help him a bit - give him more things to feel sorry about? he'd enjoy that. Think how he would grumble and moan if we took his mother away, made him hurt his leg badly and had his bicycle stolen."

And they do! Leaving him in tears. Still, in The Cat With A Feathery Tail a silly moggie tries to fool a group of birds and gets the stuffing kicked out of himself by four cats then gets beaten around the garden by a child. The story ends with everyone singing "The cats getting smacked! Hurrah!"

In Pollys P's & Q's a mother exacts revenge on her daughter by pinning P's & Q's to her everytime she forgets to say please and Thankyou turning her into a human pincushion. In The Broken Gate five yoofs (modern term) ride a gate until breaking point (don't ask) then lie about it apart from one boy who is described as thick. Sulky Susan the target in the next story has a face like a smacked arse and boy, doesn't Enid go on about it. To teach her a lesson it goes all Scrooge style and she sees five other miserable sods which are actually her later in life, scared senseless she never frowns again!

Completely random she chucks in 'A Puzzle Story', wait for this, it's a good one. Basically a gnome searches the gutters and bins for discarded cigarettes, it then teaches children how to make a roll up from the stubs and then goes on to tell you how to make a packet of seven cigarettes from six! The only puzzle I could see is that a small child would have difficulty following Enid's roll up routines, but hey, let the kids smoke I say.

Simple Simon in his story is quite simple, even his mother accuses him of 'Not using your brains or you haven't even got any. I can't make up my mind which.', a lovely mother statement that must have enriched his life no end so he goes on to smash up a box of matches, sit on a pack of butter and generally mess everything up until the story abruptly ends with his mother final words echoing through his ears 'You ought to be ashamed of yourself!' Enid stop short of adding 'You idiot!' But I'm sure she thought them.

So yes, it was an enlightening book once I read it again forty years on and you know I still kind of liked it. Yes it's yesteryear and yes some of the subject matters and language is a bit odd but essentially it teaches respect for adults and adds a bit of fear to do the right thing as a child, not necessarily a bad thing. After all I turned out fine, I even managed to break my smoking habit by the age of seven although I still have a unnatural fear of everything brown.

I'm just about to start another book of Enids that I'm sure will be equally delightful, it's called 'Rolling Smoking Kids For Fun Down The Stairs Whilst Shouting Abuse At Them' it looks frightfully good and even has a crying child on the front.

Magical!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

A Note To Notice About A Notice To Note

A big thank you to Castle Galleries Bluewater and to all the collectors who came along on Saturday to join in the fun as Lost Alice was revealed to the public for the first time at the weekend. As you can see from the photo above the gallery recreated a lovely tea party with a wonderful edible table from 'A Place Of Uncommon Nonsense' complete with playing cards and goodies. The gallery too had plenty of Wonderland touches and the whole appearance went very quickly with many collectors both old and new arriving throughout the four hours.

So a great start which now begins in earnest as the entire collection rolls out across the UK this week. On this coming Saturday the 3rd of October we will be visiting Castle Galleries in Newcastle for a return after an absence of seven years. Come along and join us between 1-4pm, it's free and possibly drink laden making it the ideal venue to meet two ageing artists who tell weird stories and dress like disorganised tarts to make themselves interesting whilst banging on about Wonderland like it's all too real. Oh, there will be the entire collection, originals, maquettes, Jaynes fabulous new Wonderland work and even better, this...

Food will be served by our BBQ cat weather permitting (n.b. BBQ Cat is subject to change and maybe unavailable at the last minute due to the unstable condition of cats performing culinary tasks involving fire and edible meats, especially after last time when a ball of wool rolled by and our cat chef got completely distracted and burned down the beer tent)

So you don't forget, here's a note for your diary...

C#

...and here's a note for your dairy...

Three pints please and a small yoghurt called Colin.

...and here's a note for the dreary...

It rains, it always rains, I'm miserable.

...and a note for your dromedary...

Don't get the hump.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Lost No More.

Website updated, Magazine available, New Lost Impossimal website with beginning chapters online and galleries up and down the country ready.

LOST ALICE

has arrived

See it first this weekend at Castle Galleries, Bluewater this Saturday 26th between 1-4pm and meet us both, we will also be bringing along originals, sketches and maquettes from the releases as well as our usual brand of Impossimalness!

See you soon!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Pumpin' Chuffin'

With Winter just around the corner why not spruce up you house with our new range of home wares and exciting designer furniture? We at Pumpin' Chuffin' Products present our new 2015 collection mixing vintage innovation with cutting edge design.

First up is our latest Steamsofa, the ultimate in personal luxury with heated seats all year round and the ability to move from room to room effortlessly due to its OO gauge railway traction unit so you can chuff away round the house come rain or shine. The chimney stack is completely dismountable and constructed from the finest pig iron. Guaranteed not to empty it's coals unexpectedly our patented chute system is self cleaning and all your coal storage needs is catered for in the handy coal cellar underneath the cushions. All our steam sofas come complete with coke bucket and fire grill. N.B. use in a well ventilated room, purchase optional light attachments for use in tunnels, under the stairs etc.

Why not go for our luxurious Bufferbed with real piston action. Relax in comfort as it pumps away and imagine travelling across Europe on the Orient Express sleeper carriage. The adjustable stack can be made to blow smoke and an optional whistle can be attached for use as an alarm clock or warning. Just one full stoke before bedtime and it will stay warm under the covers all night. With our special rail system it can easily be converted into you very own personal indoor railway system, buffers are included as standard and the underfed storage unit allows you to keep all the shovels and oily rags away from view. Forget water beds for the ultimate in bed action get pumped with steam driven bed rocking indulgence for less than the price of a train ticket to Hull.

Our new kitchen range solves the problem of meat identification, use our handy Dobbin Dishes to separate all your cow, horse and pig products effortlessly. After today's news we will be adding a Mechanically Recovered Residue tray to our range later in the week just for sausages and chicken products so you can enjoy all the slurry in one go.

Using a combination of water and wind the Supa-Sucky roller ball vacuum cleaner will suck like no other. The handy windmill rotates in a light breeze to drive a land drill system contained in the handle far into the ground until it hits the water table. Then the side waterwheel taps into this underground torrent and powers the Supa-Sucky into action. Environmentally friendly using sustainable energy the sucking power is the equivalent of sucking a tennis ball through a hosepipe. Such extreme power requires caution and we recommend you take our 'Vacuum Awareness Course' before purchasing as the Supa-Sucky has been know to rip carpets, curtains and in one occasion the trousers and underpants of a well known celebrity. N.B. the term '...ball vacuum cleaner' refers to the steering system and not the recommended usage you pervert.

The fashion for signs and plaques continues with our House-swear range, attractively framed foul language to spruce up that blank wall. Imagine the surprise and delight when envious neighbours enter your kitchen only to find a three foot framed expletive telling them exactly where to go. Included in our range is a set of blanks so you can be as creative in your insults as you wish.

Finally the ultimate in personal protection, the Hostess Tank Drinks Dispenser and Plate Warmer. Containing a 25mm calibre cannon and undercarriage bomb delivery system this stylish unit keeps all your food warm and safe whilst offering an easy solution to unwanted guests. This time really drop the bomb at the dinner table, threaten other guests with the cannon swivel action and when things start to die down slide back the iron lid to reveal a hidden cocktail bar. Fully remote controlled, it's inbuilt CCTV system allows you to control the Hostess Tank from a safe distance, an intelligent targeting system allows you to take out individual guests effortlessly whilst leaving little collateral damage to the room. Jets can be added for a small charge to allow the Hostess Tank to travel up and down staircases. Poison gas dispenser also available.

We hope you like our new range, see you soon at www.pumpinchuffinproductsltd.sod.it

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

It's True, That Assholes Written Another Blog Entry!

I have made many friends recently since I have moved, many of them I have accidentally bumped into during my short time but they all have one thing in common. I met them all on my staircase.

It may be an unusual place to meet friends but all makes more sense when you find out that my new friends include large spiders, huge moths, assorted wood lice and in one case a three inch long black slug that looked like a liquorice moustache. It all came to a head last night when I bent over to switch on a bedside light and heard a rustle up above, as soon as I turned my head a weird looking grasshopper launched itself from the ceiling ninja style to bounce off my forehead and send me in girlish screams around the top floor. Apparently they have been attracted by the Velux on the staircase and make the massive effort to shin up twenty five feet only to drop on me from a great height, obviously they must get some amusement out of this. "Hey guys! Guess what? I have found this hole, it's up there and it's awesome, a two second free fall into lovely soft hair if you time it right. It made me lol I can tell you and I got a ride around some weird house accompanied by a wailing until I was deposited back outside unharmed! Awesome!" Said the slug to the assorted motley crew of potential Velux jumping candidates.

Living in the country does have its moments. I have already met face to face a badger in the garden when I least expected it, he too didn't expect it and decided that I was indeed blocking his normal nightly stroll. Later that week I made a pheasant jump who in turn made me absolutely squeal when it came flapping out of the undergrowth making a noise like a bust bagpipe, I of course fell into a rose bush. One night a few midges decided to turn me into a human pincushion and gave me fifty two bites in one night, I know, I counted each itchy one.

Just in case you think it's just me Jayne has fared no better, last Friday she inadvertantly cut through the electric cable of the hedge trimmer only days after we installed an RCD circuit for just such event then an hour later stumbled backwards into a wasp hive and was stung relentlessly. Safely back inside Jayne tried to close a window and some random looking insect that looked like it was assembled from other broken insects used a large stinger to pierce her palm so as you see, a grasshopper bouncing off my bonce was just one in a long line of country things to discover.

Chopping logs, emptying poo pits and lighting fires have also played their part and even though everything is more hard work than just flicking the heating on or flushing the toilet it's also a lot more fun.

The blog used to be full of my tribulations regarding DIY stores and supermarkets full of random events and rude staff, not so now, they pretty much don't exist within a fifteen mile radius and instead we have DIY stores called P&Q which amazingly stocks more of everything you need than some of the largest DIY superstores and of course it's more friendly. We now shop local and by local I mean locally owned shops which makes a huge difference to the quality of produce we now get. But you know what is really great about moving? The really, really great thing that I never imagined would happen?

We have hares.

Spindly legged big eared hares at the bottom of our garden that delight in the early morning sun across the fields and that it something I could watch each and every day for the rest of my life.

Must dash, a twenty two legged spider-cricket has just appeared from under the bedclothes carrying my underpants with a wily look in its eye.

Oh my!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Silly Moo

In times of need there are changes indeed, roll up, roll up and witness the first ever farm and fairground hybrid in the country. Destined to be a 'must see' money saving attraction. Why go to the fair, why go to the farm when you can do both at the travelling Funfarmfair.

Love pigs? Then try our coconut sty and send your nuts flying. Simply load your pigs tail with a wooden ball, guide it into position using a wooden board and walking stick then fire! Kapow! In no time at all you will be a pigapult specialist and also have a lovely new pink friend to play with. Prizes include a years free manure, all the pork scratchings you can eat or our special prize of a chance to muck out Matilda, our twenty six ton Gloucestershire Old Spot using only a dining fork.

Prepared to be scared to death with our spooky Goats Train! Witness goat-ly surprises around every corner as your muck cart trundles around our makeshift barn. Cower I fear as Count Dracugoat swoops from above, cover your ears as you approach the bleating of the Goatshees, be physically sick as Frankengoat sprays you with fresh milk, devours everything in sight and poops small marbles that smell of pure evil. Survive all that and you get to see a real poltergoat in action, you never know where the next bleat will come from. Left or right? Or just maybe YOU will be the one that's bleating to get out alive.

On the Goat Train nobody can hear you bleat.

N.B. The Goat Train is manned by real goats, keep all your hands and limbs inside the muck cart at all times unless you want to lose them. Also hold on to any bags containing food, hats, scarves, gloves, watches, small children etc as our spooky goats get very, very hungry indeed.

Say flook to hook a duck and hi to Hook a Hen its 21st Century replacement. A hundred hens are bobbing around in small boats in a water filled feeding trough. All you have to do is hook their boat using our magnetic hooks and reel them safely in. If you find that the hen has an egg then you get to keep it! How cool is that, real hens, real eggs, real fun. It doesn't get more 'hens on' than this, play more than once to win more and you could go home with an omelette!

Forget mirrors, the Hall of Moos is far superior. Inside we have a selection of cows waiting, simply walk down the line until a cow moos. Stop at that cow and read its name for hilarious results. Are you a Fat Cow? Or maybe a Skinny Cow?, did the Ugly Cow moo at YOU? Such fun. Take along the wife, the mother in-law or any of a multitude of people you wish to be appraised. New for 2013 the Irritating Cow and Loud Cow.

N.B. We do offer a mother in-law special service where for an additional £5 you tell us which cow should moo and we'll do the rest.

Lambs love to run around haphazardly, leaping about like little springs. Now you can enjoy in their gambolling too by using our foam rings and gently trying to hoop a lamb. A simple game that will leave you entranced and delighted all at the same time and put you in the right frame of mind for our next attraction.

Real unwashed wool, dyed pink and dipped in sugar. It's the food that keeps on giving, one stick of candy wool will last forever, well, it seems like forever as you suck away all the sweetness inside. Once done you are left with a pile of fresh wool that you can use to knit yourself a nice jumper. Our gift to you.

We do hope you visit soon, for you information here's where we will be over the next few weeks :

28 April - Old McDonalds Farm, Eieio, Andonthatfarm, Hehadapig. EIE IO. tel. 5318008

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Molly Knickerelastics Rubber Pants

Ahh, it was the title that led you here wasn't it you dirty little minx!

For those of you that are new to this blog you probably think it only gets updated every once in a while, recent posts have been somewhat sparse. Normally the blog is updated five days a week with random guff and assorted stuff from my cluttered up attic of a brain but due to a series of events this year I have not been so diligent in keeping the useless banter up. So, from today, normal service will be resumed with a daily dose of weekday randomness.

I'm a weeks time we start the Lost Alice appearances along with the Car Park Picnics, and if you have never seen a car park picnic then stay tuned, we will bring you all the latest smelly car park reports live each week. Whilst you are waiting let's move along shall we?

Anyway, to kick things off with a multitude of blog entries here's a nice blast from the past to get you in the mood and a taster of the strangeness to come; The Pirate Pie Shoppe.

After having his galleon the Sloop Dog confiscated for firing a volley of sixty guns at a canal boat driven by an elderly couple in Norfolk Captn' Cannon Balls fell on hard times. Finally he managed to scrape up enough pieces of eight after pawning his parrot to open up a pie shop. We join Captn' Cannon Balls on the opening day of The Booty Pie.

In walks his first customer, a slim lady obviously wealthy.

'Ahoy me beauty, youre makin' my roger jolly. Can I interest you in a pie, it's chum free me darlin'

'Errr, I'm sorry, I think I'm in the wrong shop, didn't this used to be Molly's Haberdashery?'

'Aye! 'twas landlubber Molly's before, a fine beauty she was. I'd love to drop anchor in her lagoon'

'I beg your pardon?'

'All fresh me beauty, baked by my own fair hands did I. That's a treasure of a chest you have mind you'

'Hmm how crude, ok, what have you got?'

'I'd be 'avin a Salty Dog, a Beef Booty, a selection of Doubloon Rolls and a fine Minced Urchin Pasty'

'What's a Beef Booty? I'm unfamiliar with most of these pies.'

'It be 'avin beef in it.'

'Beef? What's the booty about then?'

'Booty is the other ingredient me beauty. Let me fire me cannon through your porthole.''

'Vile man, What other ingredient?'

Cough, 'Shark n'stuff'

'Shark!'

'Aye, n'stuff'

'What stuff?'

'It be nuthin to concern yourself with me beauty.'

'What stuff?'

Cough, 'Me first mate'

'Why you murderer! Police, police!'

'You'd not be needin' them me beauty, think of it like buried treasure. I never laid a finger on him'

'Then how did he get in the pie?'

'Shark ate him'

'Seriously? You expect me to believe that?'

'Smartly, me lass, he was mendin' me ship and the shark nabbed 'im'

'So what's in the Salty Dog then, dog?'

'Aye, that would be silly, it's Puffin'

'Puffin?'

'Aye, Puffin the cabin boy'

'Another murder! Help! Help!'

'Now don't be gettin' all haulin' keel, it was his suggestion'

'Oh my god, how can it be his suggestion?'

'He suggested he wanted to be captain of me vessel the Sloop Dog me lass'

'You have a boat?'

'Aye, I do me beauty'

'And is it big?'

'Aye, it's a sixty footer, a cannon for each foot and a crew of thirty bloodthirsty scallywags awaitin' adventure.'

'Hmm, do you have any treasure?'

'Alas no lass, but I have a map. It marks the spot of Great Blacklegs haul, booty beyond imaginin'

'That's a nice cutlass you have there.'

'Aye it is that lass'

'What you need is a good scabbard to put it in.'

'Pardon?'

'You heard me, come show me how you bury your treasure me lad'

'Hang on, I'm the pirate here.'

'Aye, let me scrape the barnacles off your rudder'

'Out! This is a respectable pie shop, out!'

'No need to get your yard arm in a twist, fancy going for a blackjack of grog later matey? I've crushed men's skulls between my thighs'

'Out, out, out!'

The lady leaves.

'Disgusting, absolutely disgusting. I'm not having any of that kind of filth in my shop'

In walks the next customer, a middle aged lady.

'Mornin' lass, yes it is a horn pipe in my pocket and i'm pleased to see you, if you want to see me urchins I'll show you a real yard arm to split your booty'

Sadly Captn' Cannon Balls Booty Pie shop closed down several days later after numerous complaints about suggestive behaviour and inappropriate swashbuckling. Further investigations revealed the Captn' to be a figment of the authors warped imagination just before he was fastened in a straight jacket and placed in a padded cell accompanied by the shouts of 'Prepare to be boarded me beauty' and 'I'll smash yer back doors in'. Psychology results still pending provided they can get him to stop typing random blog entries like this one.

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Lost Alice Appearance Dates

Well the Internet is finally installed and we can now achieve speeds of up to a staggering 32kbps placing us firmly in the digital age somewhere around 1992. Honestly, in a speed of smartphones, driverless cars, drones and ten second celebrities you would have thought it would have been an easy matter to get it all connected and fired up. Oh no, 27 days it took and still I have chance to go and make a cup of tea and watch a few programs before Google loads.

So things are a tad slow and I wish I was exaggerating but I'm not so if things take a little more time to appear and we don't seem as responsive to posts as we should be sorry 'bout that. Good news is, we have Lost Alice appearance dates, YAY!

All are welcome at ANY of the events listed below, the opening event at Bluewater will be the first time the entire collection will be on display and will include plenty of exclusive items for this opening show.

Castle Galleries, Bluewater Saturday 26th September 1-4pm

Castle Fine Art, Newcastle Saturday 3rd October 1-4pm

Castle Galleries, Solihull Saturday 10th October 1-4pm

Castle Galleries, Glasgow Saturday 17th October 1-4pm

Castle Fine Art, Edinburgh Sunday 18th October 1-4pm

The Original Art Shop, Hanley Saturday 24th October 12-3pm

Castle Galleries, Meadowhall Saturday 31st October 1-4pm

Castle Galleries, Chester Saturday 7th November 1-4pm

Castle Galleries, Cambridge Saturday 14th November 1-4pm

Castle Fine Art, Manchester Saturday 21st November 1-4pm

Castle Fine Art, Norwich Saturday 28th November 1-4pm

Castle Galleries, Trafford Centre Saturday 5th December 1-4pm

Hopefully many of you will be able to make it to one of the events, there are still a few more to pop in and I'll keep you up to date with those as soon as I get confirmation.

See you there!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals