Peter Picked A Pickled Pencil

Pencils whilst quite useful for drawing, easing our ear wax, nostril cleaning and probing foreign objects that look decidedly unappetising they can also provide hours of amusement in other ways. Maybe 'hours' was stretching it but a few minutes diversion at the very least. Lets start with a jape, tell your friend or colleague that your pencil has been specially developed to write any colour, ask which colour they prefer to see your pencil write.

Voila! The miracle pencil that mysteriously can write any colour! You can add variants to this such as my pencil can write exactly like a pen, after disbelief from your friends simply write 'exactly like a pen'. I'm sure you can come up with many, many more and keep yourself and onlookers amused in post office queues, banks and when signing your name on important documents like last wills and testaments. One for the brave though is announce to a random stranger that you can draw their portrait in five seconds, wait for them to finish saying "no you can't" and "go on then" then simply draw a school cock. Be prepared to run after this pencil jape as most strangers may not see the funny side even though the portrait may be accurate.

Don't you hate it when this happens? Well make the best of a bad job by following this little tutorial 'The Rubber Wrecker'. This one involves a bit of work but it can be left as a joke mine, one to go off unexpected a little later. Simply take the broken lead and put it to one side and find a pencil, preferably someone else's, with a small rubber on the end.

Using a compass point or something sharp (watch your fingers!) poke the rubber it make a small hole.

Carefully insert the piece of lead you saved until you cannot see it then wet the rubber end and rub lightly on a piece of cloth to clean it up. Place the pencil somewhere it will be used.

Then laugh uncontrollably as any attempt to erase causes mayhem. Imagine the fun as your boss takes notes in a meeting only to have his work ruined, hilarious I'm sure. As you can see I have run out of ideas today and possibly if you followed my advice you have got the sack too.

It's never a good idea to do a five second portrait of your boss.

Or maybe it is.

'The Dark Side' - One Man's Story Of A Broken Toaster

Blackpool 1975, taken with an instant Polaroid camera by an unknown person at our guest house, which if I remember correctly was run by a very strict lady who placed us on the top floor in the attic and had to share a bathroom with all the other occupants, still, Blackpool in the 70's was the only place in the UK to visit Ripleys Believe It Or Not and sneak into the anatomical exhibition at the waxworks. Today's blog is not about Blackpool or even about the seaside, it's actually about something completely different but related...

1977, the Summer of Star Wars promised a lot to a ten year old. Hover cars, light sabres, black leather suits with restrictive breathing equipment and of course holograms of distressed princesses. So imagine my delight when at the end of 1978 I attended a special University Christmas lecture whilst I was studying the thermal dynamics of space time continuum technology during the Viking period, actually that's not quite true, it was the Roman period.

During the lecture the professor said he had a surprise for us and mentioned Star Wars sending the juvenile audience into mock lightsabre fights and wookie calls. What would it be? A blaster? Maybe he was going to ask us all to take shots at him whilst he deflected them with a real lightsabre, or even better he was going to give us all free R2D2's to take home. Expectations were high I can tell you.

When he left the theatre to fetch his Star Wars prop the lights dimmed, they even played a bit of the music to build it up, not that we needed it. 200 expectant eleven year olds plunged in darkness to the music of Star Wars was probably a bit of a mistake in hindsight as all 200 decided under the cover of darkness to try and occupy just the front row of seats.

A single spot light came on and the professor returned with something hidden under a cloth, as the music ended he pulled the cloth away and we were all left speechless looking at a box with an apple in it. I really don't know how he didn't get beaten to a pulp within seconds but he obviously expected this so did something rather unexpected, he told a member of the audience to take the apple.

Of course they couldn't even though it was before their very eyes, it was after all a hologram. Holograms had been around a while but this was the first ever experience for most people outside of a lab. Of course you now see them everywhere, on credit cards, toys etc but to a eleven year old in 1978 it was futuristic technology. After being wowed with the hologram we were then treated to a laser display and an old theatre trick of creating a ghost on stage using an angled piece of glass and a mirror. Fascinating stuff to me once I had got over the disappointment of not being able to have a personal light sabre and to hack off limbs at a whim.

Holograms stuck with me, the ability using lasers to capture an image in 3D on a 2D material was mindblowing, so imagine my surprise when in 1984 I found myself again, and god knows why, in Blackpool stood outside a new attraction, a hologram exhibition. Well, I was amazed, hundreds of holograms to look and be astounded by, even better though you could buy your own. So, this was my first, a very small hologram of a dartboard and two darts, stunningly realistic if you don't see colours like a dog otherwise slightly entertaining, but I wanted more so my next purchase was more exciting.

A coloured hologram, the detail on this is quite incredible, you can even see the air bubbles in the plastic and moving it around you get a real sense of space. And that's where it stops, in todays world of entertainment at your fingertips, movies on demand, 3D television, microwave meals and spray on cheese, holograms have become rather forgotten and mainstream but they offered at the time a hope that one day you would own your own light sabre and be allowed to hack limbs off willy-nilly. I patiently wait.

I even have a list.

Close Encounters Of The Twerking Kind

Today I have invited Arthur Brain founder of the Bureau Understanding Foreign Flight Objects Of Non-terrestrial Subjects or BUFFOONS for short to tell us about his latest extra-testicle phenomenon. So Arthur, just what is a UFO?

'UFO's are unidentified frying objects, such as burnt bacon or frazzled sausages mysteriously flying through the air. We have some particularly good examples of fritters flying in formation over Big Ben. One of our members once photographed a scorched beef burger landing in the car park of Asda, passersby were astounded and two women fainted as it was joined by a hash brown and an overcooked chippolata.'

Ahem, we may have crossed purposes here Arthur, I was talking about the alien type of UFO, you know the ones that look like light fittings or dustbin lids thrown in to the air and photographed badly.

'I thought you invited me to talk about my close encounter with a full English breakfast that cornered me on the sea front in Skegness?'

No Arthur.

'Oh, that's a pity. I did see a UFO once though?'

Yes? tell us about it.

It was about six o'clock sometime in the seventies and I was watching the television when suddenly everything went black, even the television only to be replaced by a mysterious globe spinning ominously with the words BBC 1 written underneath it, I remember it clearly as I nearly dropped my biscuit in my tea. It was only on for an instant then the screen went black again and a booming voice shouted SPACE, THE FINAL FRONTIER and an enormous UFO flew straight at me. I dropped scalding tea on my lap and fell off the sofa, Muriel, my wife screamed and ran from the room. Scrambling around the back of the sofa I lay there for thirty minutes listening to the aliens in my living room, I could only make out certain words like Scottiekirk and Spork but I'm sure they did say 'We Come In Peace' but that I believe was just a ruse to get me to come up from behind the curtain where I had managed to scramble to after my sofa position became compromised. Here, let me draw you what I saw...'

'See, a UFO, not very often you get such detail in a drawing, I was a draughtsman did you know so I know detail. In fact I was so shaken that the very next day armed with a camera I was determined to capture them on film. Around midday I was making a jam sandwich when I glanced out of the window and froze, there hanging in the air was an enormous cigar shaped UFO, watching me spread the butter. Grabbing my camera I managed to get a quick shot of it before it whooshed away. I have never shown this to anyone before as I believe it would change the worlds opinions on UFOs for ever.'

Well readers it looks like we have an exclusive on our hands, for the first time in print a genuine certified UFO photo, unedited and possibly the finest UFO ever captured on film.

Wow! That's amazing Arthur, it's like just hanging there. You can even make out some markings on the side, it looks like eiprahS, obviously some strange star dialect. What happened next?

'I finished buttering and ate my sandwich.'

No, what happened after that?

'Oh, I see, well here's the thing, I returned to the sitting room and flicked on the television to see if the news had reported my mysterious object and guess what?'

What?

'Aliens had taken over my television again.'

Really? How did you know?

They looked strange and pink if I remember and they spoke in a kind of whistle. I was mesmerised, they had me under some kind of tractor ray beam and I watched them experimenting with things from our world then as suddenly as they came they disappeared and the newsreader Richard Baker came on but didn't mention my flying cigar shaped object or indeed my pink aliens. Here, give me the pen I will draw one for you...'

Double wow! You heard it here first folks, aliens and UFO's do exist, watch the skies!

Tomorrow we explore the mysteries of the deep with Jaques Custardo and hear the frightening story of the time he wrestled with the Loch Ness Monster only to have the fight broken up by an underwater Kraken. Epic stuff I'm sure.

Xmas Crimble Yuletide Advert Time For Sentimentality

Crimbo Cats Festive Survey

Chrismastide, Noel, nativity, call it what you will Christmas is here to stay along with all the latest nostalgic tear jerking adverts so we asked members of the celebrity obsessed public to tell us what their best Christmas spelling is and these are the results.

"I fink it means to me everyfing is shiny and like that's why I call it Crimble time. It's the stuff of jeezus and Maori wid da likkle donkey in da shed, innit? I mean if day r gunna ave it evry year why don't they tell us? This fanta bloke is ace but I don't know wat a chimney is. Is it like a long chin?" said a typical yoof yesterday.

"My dear I think you will find its actually Yuletide, Christmas is so common and don't even get me started with Xmas. Xmas is so, so, Peter Smith, he's as common as they come you know. Yuletide felicitations to you all!"

A.N.Arsehole, Notts

"I like Xmas, it's like a quick way to write and is a real boon when writing Christmas cards. Of course it sounds as if you couldn't be bothered and yes it may come across as lazy but hey, it's Xmas, were all in misery so get over it." 

Mr Crimble Claus, N.Pole

"Personally I prefer the season of Noel when we celebrate all things about that plumb bearded chap Noel Edmunds. I remember his Noel Edmunds House Party, the one with Mr Blobby, oh, he was such a great character. A great big pink thing with spots, or was that something I went to the doctors with? I dunno, anyway Noel is great and my first choice at this time of year."

N.Edmunds, Crinkly Bottom.

"I was always taught that it was pronounced Chrissymissymussytime to go along with the seasons, after all what else would go with Winterfrinterchillywilly and Bonfireywiry Night?"

That bloke off the television that makes rude phonecalls and gets let off to make millions of pounds more.

"Wibble poot, floooomffhh, pop, pop, booomph."

Po.

"Mr name is Noddy Holder and I like to call this time of year 'ker-ching!!' after the sound my royalty cheque makes at the bank after 'Merry Christmas Everybody' has been played 1,253,273 times."

Mr N.Holder 1976

"My name is Mariah and this Christmas I fancy something different to you."

Mariah Couldn't Carey, Hull

"My name is George Michael and I want my heart back even though you tore it apart."

George "It's not the only thing you tore" Michael

"Quite frankly I wish it could be Christmas every day" said Roy Wood.

"Really I hate Christmas, my name is Mary Berry and I often get confused with Merry. That sponge dear is over baked, what do you think Paul?"

"I think it's an ok bake Mary, not one of their best. Did you prove the dough correctly before putting it in the oven Cliff?"

"Hey Mary, you're a Livin' Doll want to go on a Summer Holiday and get away from all this Mistletoe and Wine?"

We had to cut our survey short as we started to be surrounded by ex-Christmas song celebrities and it was blocking the doorway to Greggs, more results tomorrow when we ask Showadywady and The Bay City Rollers what they really think of striped curtains in a bedroom.

Christmas Is Coming (10p O.N.O) No Time Wasters

It's November and the Christmas cheer is filling the shops with festive fun in the form of tortuous music and gaudy baubles so lets start early with a scrimpers guide to Christmas for less than 10p, probably. 

Impress family and friends with your thriftiness and thrill them all with special time saving gift tags, the ultimate Christmas tree using our handy planner and save £££ on crackers by simply making your own.

First up is this ornate gift tag cleverly using TXT SPK to appeal to youngsters (for all you oldies out there the above text speak actually says 'This is for you, a special gift from myself to a special friend). No more writing out personal messages, no boring Merry Christmas Grandad, enter the twenty second century and simply print out the above as many times as necessary and attach them to your gifts. It saves time, money and sentimentality when all you are interested in is what you're going to get. Occasionally you may get problems if the gifts get mixed up but hey, maybe Auntie Mabel wanted underarm hair removal cream, she could certainly do with it on her moustache. 

Planning a perfect Christmas tree is never easy so why not use our handy chart. Simply print it out the same size as your tree and you can lay it down on a flat surface and try out different combinations safely and effectively before hanging it all on the tree. Avoid disputes, solve bauble position problems and work out the best way to trail tinsel. When happy with the layout use string to divide your actual tree into squares just like our grid and stand back shouting coordinates to your family as you hand them the decorations. Great fun and can be used year after year, no batteries required!

The price of mince pies and shots of brandy has skyrocketed this year so leaving a free plate out for Santa is a little foolhardy, he's fat enough and possibly on the verge of some serious medical conditions so help Santa out with this 3D imitation Santa treat for Christmas Eve. Santa will be thrilled, two, yes, two mince pies, a shot of the good stuff and of course a carrot for Rudolph, who after being picked on by the other reindeer's you are now reinforcing his isolation from the rest of the group by only giving him a present. Fool children and adults alike by simply chucking the printout in the bin as soon as everyone goes to bed and replacing in with a real plate.

Do you prepare yourself for PP's on Christmas Day? PP stands for p*** poor and are last minute, unfathomable gifts that make you gasp in their awfulness. Often wrapped in the gaudiest of paper these shockers often cause major fights over the Christmas dinner as you continue to show your displeasure at getting a pair of slippers instead of a new convertible or private jet. Well, no more, now you can grimace and mouth abuse in secret with this handy grin on a stick. Simply hold this in front of your face for the duration of Christmas Day to fool everyone into thinking its the greatest Christmas ever.

Now for the ultimate cracker to pull look no further than the all-in-one Charade Cracker, a powerhouse of entertainment. For this you will need the following :

A Toilet Roll, kitchen roll, charades (write out your favourite movie or book title), a small dog lead (string), a toy dog (in this case an elegantly fashioned toy dog made from sturdy paper), a bang and of course a hat.

Simply make a toy dog, fold a small bit of paper to save money and embarrassment into a hat that fits on your finger, write BANG on a piece of card and stuff it all inside the toilet roll along with the string and secret charade.

It should look like this, use the remaining kitchen roll to stuff both ends. Place them around the table on Christmas Day and after dinner you can 'pull' them. The noiseless bang avoids worrying pets, the small hat nobody can wear avoids embarrassment, the winner of the pull gets a cherished toy dog which they can attach a lead to and 'walk' around the table and finally there is a charade for the winner to act out. My suggestion is you clear the table and get them to perform it on the table top in front of all your guests for the ultimate in table top games. I remember one year when auntie Maud's charade was 'Three Men and a Donkey'. After climbing on the dining room table, great granddad Bertie was rushed off with heart palpitations when she acted out the naked donkey scene and paramedics took two hours to extract her from the broken hostess trolley she used as a makeshift prop. It took a further three house to remove the crackers. 

Good times.

So that's it for part one of the perfect thrifty Christmas, tomorrow how to cook dinner using free ingredients from dustbins and skips and of course how to jar jellied leftovers for friends, its the gift that keeps on giving. 

Cheer up, it'll soon be Christmas and we will all be in misery.

Halloween Special

Not ONE but TWO spooky LOST ALICE appearances this week in an UNPRECEDENTED series of FORTUNATE events that are ALL FREE and open TO ALL!!!

Join us both with LOST ALICE at Trident Galleries, 1 Allandale Road, Stoneygate, Leicester, LE2 2DA between 6-9pm this FRIDAY 30th for MUSIC, FOOD, DRINK, FUN, FROLICS and of course NAKED LINE DANCING absolutely free. Want more details? Either turn up on the night or phone 01162 745333 for a good time!

Secondly we are at CASTLE GALLERIES, MEADOWHALL on 31st October between 1-4pm for a SPOOKY special appearance. Come along and see PETERS PUMPKINS and Jayne's broom along with LOST ALICE and an assortment of Impossimals absolutely FREE!

To get you ready for this spooky spectacular here's todays guide from the University of Proper Speek to hone your electrocution lessons and speak right. Nuff said, word out.

SEE YOU ALL ON FRIDAY AT TRIDENT GALLERIES 6-9pm or CASTLE GALLERIES, MEADOWHALL 1-4pm on SATURDAY HALLOWEEN (N.B. Delete as appropriate, no goats or magical wardrobes please)

Welcome to the University Of Proper English, we aim to educate our students in the principles of using the correct grandma and how to avoid embarrassing shiitake from over enthusiastic spell chequers.

During our six week coarse you will lean how to spot mistakes as they happened. From spelling errors to languish difficulties our tutors will expertly use simple tech niches to a void pot and tail problems.

LESSON ONE

Highlight the problem areas in this paragraph.

As she mowed his grass he bought out the flowers. They were in pots and ready to plant in the ground now the soil was conditioned with shovels of fresh top soil. He popped his loam into the freshly dug hole before planting the flowers.

This should be quite easy, the above paragraph is nearly all incorrect, of coarse it should really reed, after the correct spell cheque has bean applied like this;

As she moaned, his ass bough tight then flowed. There were inputs and ready to punt the grind now the oil was condoned with shuttles of fresh tit oil. He dropped his load into the freakish bunghole before planning the flow hers.

LESS ONE TWO

Fill in the miss zing word.

A) She f___s like a barn door in a storm.

B) I helped my uncle J__k off a horse.

C) My c__k is the size of a saveloy.

How did you do?

A) the young lady is obviously prone to worrying, the correct word is FLAPS, she flaps like a barn door in a storm.

B) As the uncle is Scottish and has trouble dismounting from equines the correct answer is JOCK, I helped my uncle Jock off a horse.

C) Being facially challenged the gentleman is referring to his nose, or CONK as it can be called. My conk is the size of a saveloy.

LESSON TREE

Sometimes it is useful to use short abbreviations to get a massage a cross, watt do these mean?

A) Lol

B) Rotfl

C) Yolo

D) Thx

E) xxx

AN SWEARS

Were you right?

A) Lol - Languish our linguine, a term used in Italian restraints to describe past her.

B) Rotfl - Really out to find love, an endearing term used between couples.

C) Yolo - Yes, outlaw leftover onions. Used by vegetable activists to get a point across about wastage.

D) Thx - To hear xylophones. Sufferers of xylophonitus or stylophonitus use the term to describe their eternal suffering of a background noise featuring disturbing tones often produced by a bearded man. Sufferers can also be prone to Glockenspielinotion, the fear of four wheeled glockenspiels.

E) xxx - No,no,no! Or Wrong, wrong,wrong! A negative term used to inform someone if they are incorrect.

LEASON FORE

What are they?

A) Pushing Sucker

B) Dog Mermaids

C) Spinny Windies

ANNE SWEARS

A) A vacuum cleaner

B) Seals

C) Electric Fans

Now that you half sampled our land gauge coarse you can apply on line at www.werds4pleasuring.com with our sceptical starting offer of only £49.99 per month.

Apply two day and receive our math metrics coarse abs lute lay three.

No moor milkshakes, no pour spilling, comes whiff a sat his faction garden tea or your monkey Bach.

Calendar Where? Why? How Much?!?!

Four weeks ago the Impossimal 2016 calendar didn't exist. It had no images, no design and no way it was going to hit a deadline for October even if it did. Producing a calendar requires us to paint and create twelve extra images, something quite impossible with Lost Alice, the Michelin starred Secret Pantry and of course Knickerbockergloria so a calendar for 2016 was a real no, no.

We couldn't do it.

It was too late.

Who would print it?

Then I received email after email asking if one was available, a usual occurrence even though the last Impossimal calendar was five years ago but this year I had more than usual. Not only that, I also had personal messages and photos of proud Impossimal calendar collectors sending me their images, I had Impossimal wedding photos, Impossimal cake photos and photos of Impossimals adorning walls worldwide and fan artwork of Impossimals on Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest.

What was I to do?

So we sat down. Looked at all the options and quickly found there was very little at this late date. We had already contacted one of the biggest calendar publishers earlier this year and worked out quantities and delivery with a view to doing something next year but alas, we again were too late. To get a great deal on calendar production you need quantity and time, companies like the Calendar Club can keep costs down by doing that so calendars can retail for around the £12 mark on the high street, how could we compete at those prices?

We couldn't.

So we chose a different method and one of the only options available; publishing on demand. It's a higher cost option but the turn around is fast, it requires no external help and of course we get to select the content and layout. The downside is the product is more expensive as you cannot fix your own base price but generally better quality but it is more limited in its availability until you prove it's popularity. Always a big uphill battle for most self publishers but it was our best and only option.

Three weeks later after battling ISBN numbers, price fixing, website popularity battles, image compatibility, the fact they are printed in Germany and trademark eligibility (yes, I had to prove that the Impossimals were Impossimals and not Impossibles or Improbables!) the first calendars went online at Amazon.

It all went wrong.

Amazon, in their infinite wisdom only likes things that sell and unless you can prove that they will sell they will not visibly list it, also they choose the most expensive option. On the plus side being on Amazon gives a great web presence to start with but comes with a cost.

Alas they only allowed seven calendars a day to be listed, a mega kicking that the calendar didn't need.

A week on and more retailers have jumped on board, as this happens something unexpected happened too, the base price suddenly became competitive and started to tumble as websites battled to be the cheapest.

So after all the stop, starts and the randomness of availability I would like to thank everyone who has ordered a calendar so far and supported the Impossimals and in this case good causes too. Yes it's more expensive than others but they have been completely designed by myself and Jayne with images specially selected to be the best calendar so far and the quality is the best we could find. 

Pricing and P&P we have no control over as each distributor takes their cut unfortunately so we have decided that each calendar produces a publishing profit to us of £1.08 of which ALL will go into a charity fund. 

In an effort to further drive down the costs I have compiled a list of available outlets and you can also order the Impossimal 2016 calendar from Waterstones or any bookshop using the ISBN 9781325117253

You can also (occasionally!) find it on Amazon HERE

Waterstones HERE

But for sheer speed, availability and competitive pricing (ignore the out of stock, its printed on demand) look HERE at Speedy Hen, they seem to be the best at the moment.

We will continue to scour the Internet to find the best deals for you, if you need any help locating a copy just drop us a line and we will do our best.

Hope this helps and in the future we will try and do all this a little earlier and of course cheaper!

Back To The Future REVEALED!

R2-C32D here, the world first artificial intelligence blog writing robot, I see and hear everything, join me as we glimpse Back To The Future

2015, a heartbeat away from hover cars, personal teleportation systems and time travel. Technology has never been more powerful with new innovations every day here are a few of the exciting things coming your way.

'Computers' will be the buzz word is year as for the first time they become affordable for all. Computers, you probably don't know, have been used for years by scientists and the military to work out how to divide the coffee run money and who's turn it is to buy cakes on a Friday. No longer, they are about to enter our homes in a big way. Imagine having an electronic mind that does your every bidding, some even come with additional hardware such as the Home Composer upgrade shown above where a jolly composer will leap out of the screen and entertain you in a creepy over acting display of composing joy.

Using the latest string to keyboard technology you will be able to use your new computer to make real music. Strum along to all the chart hits as you frantically try to keep up with 'Three Blind Mice' on your iGit, the latest must have from Appley.

Communication will also change in a big way whey we all have personal communications at our fingertips. Simply slip this ring on your finger and you can place calls by putting your thumb in your ear and talking into your little finger. You dial by holding up the correct amount of digits and put it on hold by clenching your fists. For a videophone experience simply stand where you can see the person you are ringing.

Entertainment makes a leap from the arcades to the home with the outstanding award winning Atari 2600, surely every child's dream this coming Christmas. It promises eye popping graphics undistinguishable from real life. Play classics like Grand Theft Tiddlywinks and Call Of Duty - Pot Washing on two strangely phallic joysticks and enjoy the wood effect console as it blends in with your wooden microwave.

We left this in to surprise you, it's the game Jurassic Lark, the first time we saw the graphical detail on the dinosaur we ran out of the room it was so real, be prepared to experience it first hand when it hits the shelves in June.

The television will become obsolete this year as we all convert to tankvision, a combination of television and fish tanks to bring you realism never seen before on the small screen. Show above is the TV-Shark the biggest and best tankvision to date, simply drop objects in the top to have them devoured live in front of your family. Comes complete with miniature oboe sound effects and real blood! Treat your family or feed your family, the choice is yours.

Finally the time saving gadget we have all been waiting for, the Snotsaver 2000, a portable hanging system to dry out used hankies solving a problem that has been with us since caveman times.

It's at times like this I like to thank Sir Issac Newton for inventing gravity, before then everything had to be nailed down or it flew away, thank you Mr Newton!

I hope you enjoyed the glimpse into your future, have fun with all the new technology, just stay away from the Dyson Ball Cleaner, it doesn't do what it says on the tin and it ripped my underpants at the same time.

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals