Calendar Where? Why? How Much?!?!

Four weeks ago the Impossimal 2016 calendar didn't exist. It had no images, no design and no way it was going to hit a deadline for October even if it did. Producing a calendar requires us to paint and create twelve extra images, something quite impossible with Lost Alice, the Michelin starred Secret Pantry and of course Knickerbockergloria so a calendar for 2016 was a real no, no.

We couldn't do it.

It was too late.

Who would print it?

Then I received email after email asking if one was available, a usual occurrence even though the last Impossimal calendar was five years ago but this year I had more than usual. Not only that, I also had personal messages and photos of proud Impossimal calendar collectors sending me their images, I had Impossimal wedding photos, Impossimal cake photos and photos of Impossimals adorning walls worldwide and fan artwork of Impossimals on Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest.

What was I to do?

So we sat down. Looked at all the options and quickly found there was very little at this late date. We had already contacted one of the biggest calendar publishers earlier this year and worked out quantities and delivery with a view to doing something next year but alas, we again were too late. To get a great deal on calendar production you need quantity and time, companies like the Calendar Club can keep costs down by doing that so calendars can retail for around the £12 mark on the high street, how could we compete at those prices?

We couldn't.

So we chose a different method and one of the only options available; publishing on demand. It's a higher cost option but the turn around is fast, it requires no external help and of course we get to select the content and layout. The downside is the product is more expensive as you cannot fix your own base price but generally better quality but it is more limited in its availability until you prove it's popularity. Always a big uphill battle for most self publishers but it was our best and only option.

Three weeks later after battling ISBN numbers, price fixing, website popularity battles, image compatibility, the fact they are printed in Germany and trademark eligibility (yes, I had to prove that the Impossimals were Impossimals and not Impossibles or Improbables!) the first calendars went online at Amazon.

It all went wrong.

Amazon, in their infinite wisdom only likes things that sell and unless you can prove that they will sell they will not visibly list it, also they choose the most expensive option. On the plus side being on Amazon gives a great web presence to start with but comes with a cost.

Alas they only allowed seven calendars a day to be listed, a mega kicking that the calendar didn't need.

A week on and more retailers have jumped on board, as this happens something unexpected happened too, the base price suddenly became competitive and started to tumble as websites battled to be the cheapest.

So after all the stop, starts and the randomness of availability I would like to thank everyone who has ordered a calendar so far and supported the Impossimals and in this case good causes too. Yes it's more expensive than others but they have been completely designed by myself and Jayne with images specially selected to be the best calendar so far and the quality is the best we could find. 

Pricing and P&P we have no control over as each distributor takes their cut unfortunately so we have decided that each calendar produces a publishing profit to us of £1.08 of which ALL will go into a charity fund. 

In an effort to further drive down the costs I have compiled a list of available outlets and you can also order the Impossimal 2016 calendar from Waterstones or any bookshop using the ISBN 9781325117253

You can also (occasionally!) find it on Amazon HERE

Waterstones HERE

But for sheer speed, availability and competitive pricing (ignore the out of stock, its printed on demand) look HERE at Speedy Hen, they seem to be the best at the moment.

We will continue to scour the Internet to find the best deals for you, if you need any help locating a copy just drop us a line and we will do our best.

Hope this helps and in the future we will try and do all this a little earlier and of course cheaper!

Back To The Future REVEALED!

R2-C32D here, the world first artificial intelligence blog writing robot, I see and hear everything, join me as we glimpse Back To The Future

2015, a heartbeat away from hover cars, personal teleportation systems and time travel. Technology has never been more powerful with new innovations every day here are a few of the exciting things coming your way.

'Computers' will be the buzz word is year as for the first time they become affordable for all. Computers, you probably don't know, have been used for years by scientists and the military to work out how to divide the coffee run money and who's turn it is to buy cakes on a Friday. No longer, they are about to enter our homes in a big way. Imagine having an electronic mind that does your every bidding, some even come with additional hardware such as the Home Composer upgrade shown above where a jolly composer will leap out of the screen and entertain you in a creepy over acting display of composing joy.

Using the latest string to keyboard technology you will be able to use your new computer to make real music. Strum along to all the chart hits as you frantically try to keep up with 'Three Blind Mice' on your iGit, the latest must have from Appley.

Communication will also change in a big way whey we all have personal communications at our fingertips. Simply slip this ring on your finger and you can place calls by putting your thumb in your ear and talking into your little finger. You dial by holding up the correct amount of digits and put it on hold by clenching your fists. For a videophone experience simply stand where you can see the person you are ringing.

Entertainment makes a leap from the arcades to the home with the outstanding award winning Atari 2600, surely every child's dream this coming Christmas. It promises eye popping graphics undistinguishable from real life. Play classics like Grand Theft Tiddlywinks and Call Of Duty - Pot Washing on two strangely phallic joysticks and enjoy the wood effect console as it blends in with your wooden microwave.

We left this in to surprise you, it's the game Jurassic Lark, the first time we saw the graphical detail on the dinosaur we ran out of the room it was so real, be prepared to experience it first hand when it hits the shelves in June.

The television will become obsolete this year as we all convert to tankvision, a combination of television and fish tanks to bring you realism never seen before on the small screen. Show above is the TV-Shark the biggest and best tankvision to date, simply drop objects in the top to have them devoured live in front of your family. Comes complete with miniature oboe sound effects and real blood! Treat your family or feed your family, the choice is yours.

Finally the time saving gadget we have all been waiting for, the Snotsaver 2000, a portable hanging system to dry out used hankies solving a problem that has been with us since caveman times.

It's at times like this I like to thank Sir Issac Newton for inventing gravity, before then everything had to be nailed down or it flew away, thank you Mr Newton!

I hope you enjoyed the glimpse into your future, have fun with all the new technology, just stay away from the Dyson Ball Cleaner, it doesn't do what it says on the tin and it ripped my underpants at the same time.

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Teddypocalypse Is Upon Us!

The end of the world is nigh, according to expert historian Norman Nutter in his new book 'Teddypocalypse - The Day We Get Stuffed' (£4.95 from Urmston Post Office). Teddy bears and other stuffed toys will rise up and destroy mankind in what has been dubbed by experts as T-Day, the 15th of October 2015.

This special date is the end-date of a 5,125 year long cycle in the Mesoamerican Long Count calendar and coincides with the Christmas light switch on in Nob End, South Lancashire, a terrifying coincidence which will trigger satellites to transmit a 'switch on' signal to all stuffed entities. A signal that according to Norman was planted in all satellites by a disgruntled toy maker turned scientist during experiments in the 1960's into capoc and stuffing DNA which resulted in the untimely death of seven scientists when a cushion suddenly exploded after leaping up and singing 'My Way'.

TOSSER

Norman explains that when the clock strikes 3:30pm the signal will be broadcast worldwide and urges the public to barricade themselves in a safe place and get ready to fight the stuffed hordes. Cushions, teddy bears and even Hello Kitties should be placed outside and away from weapons such as water pistols and foam hammers. Norman further compares it to a zombie apocalypse as injured soft toys have the ability to reanimate unless their tags have been removed. 

RAMPANT

Following six years of research Norman also reveals that during one experiment Little Ted and Humpty caused extensive damage to a secret facility after being reanimated and had to be sedated with injections of T-24X, a drug that allowed them to be handled without injury. Unable to deactivate them both they remained under sedation they formed part of the Play School project, a secretive underground white room with three windows. Professor Brian Cant, lead scientist Toni Arthur and head of the activation unit Floella Benjamin interacted with Little Ted and Humpty whilst fellow scientists watched, unfortunately in 1964 a technical problem occurred and the live video feed was aired on terrestrial television forcing the BBC to add the recently reanimated Hamble and Big Ted to the project as a cover up operation after realising that too many people had seen it. The live feed to Play School was eventually turned off in 1988 after it was also revealed that Jackanory, a popular story telling program was in fact a sedation channel for the toy asylum in Cricklewood.

STREETS OF STUFFING

Local governments are preparing defences and are urging members of the public to avoid adding any more soft furnishings or toys to their household. Early reports have warned that one satellite may have misfired the trigger over Hull due to the millennium bug and have advised the public to avoid the area after one witness reported seeing a ten foot Huffenpluff throwing a Teletubby from the roof of Greggs and a multi cushion pile up in the city centre.

PIFFLE PAFFLE

An expert at Cambridge University told us 'What a load of rubbish! Everyone knows that it's going to be cats that are activated and they will all reveal they have thumbs. Their demigod Grumpy Cat appeared on earth earlier this year, a sure sign of impending doom, Catpocalypse is on the cards I tell you!', professor Ivor Twangle is the author of ' Catpocalypse - Hello Kitty, No Kitty, Argh Kitty!' (£4.95 from Urmston Post Office) 

This Blog Is Awesome! (N.B. Blog May Or May Not Be Awsome Depending On Location)

How To Talk To A Dog

Dogs use a complex system of communication called a Bi-frequency Ahhhrythmic Relay Keytone to talk, you will need to learn this too. We will shorten it to BARK for easier reading but basically you need to BARK like your dog. It's not hard to learn and you can start out your training even if you don't have a dog, simply BARK at anything that moves until you learn the correct BARK frequency that startles individuals. You can add the more complex Grrrrs a little later, use the handy chart below to understand what you are BARK'ing.

No. of BARKS - Meaning

1 - Hi, great to meet you, may I sniff your butt.

2 - Oi, look at me, I don't know why but look at me.

3 - What are you doing? Are you mental? That jacket doesn't go with those shoes.

4 - Annoying, talk to the paw not the face.

5 - What time is tea because I'm starving and the cat looks very tasty from here.

6 - Does this dog meat contain horse because I'm seriously concerned its not sourced ethically and I like to know the origin of my meat products, please check.

7 - Ha,ha,ha!

8 - WARNING! if you BARK eight times at any dog it activates their internal shutdown mechanism and will completely disable your dog until you replace the batteries, this is one event not covered by your warranty. Twirling the tail whilst in this state will occasionally activate the clockwork mechanism and restart the battery but it has also been known to activate the angry software code with disastrous results.

How To Walk

A difficult one this but I'll aim to demystify walking, basically you place one leg in front of the other and repeat. Make sure you alternate between different legs otherwise you will be dragging yourself instead of walking. For those of you not sure what legs are they are the long bits at the bottom of your body that you put shoes on. If you find that you try to follow these walking instructions and you have difficulties keeping your balance, slurring your words and experience double vision then you are drunk and need to refer to How To Control Crazy Legs our How To guide on drunken walking.

How To Control Crazy Legs

Don't, simply sit back down and have a drink.

How To Break Wind In Public

You know the feeling, you are on a bus or in a packed room and suddenly you feel the urge to trumpet, have no fear, the first thing to establish is your position.

If you are sitting and feel the urge then its one of the easiest to get away with, first relax your buttock cheeks, I mean really relax them so you lower yourself at least an inch. It's like changing from a crack in a door that the wind whistles through to throwing it open so a hurricane can come in. Bigger is better. When you believe that you have achieved a suitable tunnel then you can safely trumpet but lean forward at the same time to allow it to escape from the back and not either side. If you are sat on a leather chair then follow the same procedure but half way through bounce up and down a little to avoid the leather squeaking.

If you are standing then you need to find the nearest wall quickly. Place your back against the wall an using your hips pin your buttocks safely to the brickwork. Raise one leg a couple of inches off the ground, now you are ready. Start by letting out a little bit of trumpet to test for acoustics, if it is still too loud then slightly squat and reduce the pressure your hips are giving your buttocks. When the tone is barely distinguishable raise one hand to your mouth and do one hard cough, this should be enough to dispel any air safely and agreeably. Once done simply walk back to where you were and carry on with whatever you were doing.

Depending where you are you may also need to vary the tone according to surroundings, if you are on a building site you don't want a high pitched tootle whilst Vicars may not need the sound of Thor's hammer hitting a tub of blancmange when conducting a wedding. So there is one simple thing to remember, tighter to tootle, slacker to border disaster.

How To Cope With An Unexpected Trumpet

Don't like my granddad ever think that because you are seemingly in the middle of nowhere you can let rip with a trumpet heralding Armageddon and sounding like the crack of doom has just opened. He made this mistake not realising this until a nearby garage door opened and two men looked out and said 'Bet you were glad to get rid of that!', one of them had a nose bleed but my granddad always dismissed that as purely coincidental. What is true was that very same week the local paper reported a series of mysterious thunderous noises that produced loud rapports sounding like a thousand trifles being dropped simultaneously and the entire district took on a sharp smell of sulphur, it was attributed to a mini earthquake but I still have my doubts.

Anyway if you fear that your next trumpet will be Krakatoa's final hours I really don't have any advice for you other than make a makeshift muffler out of a small child, alternatively you could of course turn it into some kind of street theatre. Simply announce that you are going to recreate the final lift off of Saturn V from its base in Cape Canaveral, provide a thrilling countdown and squat. On reaching zero let everything fly whilst jumping up in the air, the extra 'thrust' will help you attain extra height, a technique used by professional high jumpers. Attend to any injures sustained from your air bomb and hand out tissues for bleeding noses, witnesses may be temporarily blinded and sore throats can last 48 hours after the event.

What Not To Do After A Trumpet

Do not be childish,never announce a trumpet as a 'Call To Arms' or describe it as an After Dinner Mint. Acceptable words to use are more polite, 'I'm sorry about my belching clown' for example, even 'Oh, that? It was probably just a fly breaking the sound barrier' either are suitable. Trumpets are just the ghosts of your meals and should be treated with respect. I once knew a gentleman that decided to hold all his trumpets in and never embarrass himself in public, by the sixth day he had swollen to double his size, they had to untie his belly button to let out the gas, it took three weeks for him to expel all the air and his skin never fitted him again. In fact every time after that when he trumpeted it just filled the areas in his now flapping skin back up and he had to install a flap at the back of his neck to act as a flue system to help.

That's it for today, I hope you have learned many useful things, So That's How To Do It will return, in the next instalment how to horse shoe a cat and the correct way to use chimp scissors.

Sausage Roll Wreath? Why Fine Sir, I Shall Take Two!

 Festive season is underway with a popular online shopping channel selling the latest in meatery artistry the Festive Sausage Roll Wreath ready to hang on your door to greet guests with the aroma of coarse ground pork and a crisp flaky shell.

But what else have these masters of meatery created for us this year? Lets find out, FEAST your EYES on this, its enough to make you lick your LIPS!

 Holly Stuffed Bangers - The Ripper

Savour these delicate treats as your favourite pork sword gets the festive makeover with a slightly poisonous injection of holly to perk up your groaning Christmas table. Guests will choke with delight as each bite, bites back with springs of razor sharp holly spiced with a sharp tasting inedible berry in each succulent piece. Tickle their tastebuds, tantalise their tongues and hear them squeal out in pain the next morning from the bathroom, it's a veritable edible hoot!

Only £9.99 + £12.99 P&P

Meat Filled Cracker (Assorted)

One pull and your guests will be delighted as each of this set of six brightly coloured crackers contain a selection of oven roasted mystery meats! Items come ready for instant family fun around the dinner table. No washing up, no clumsy tray to carry in and no carving, place a cracker on each plate then watch with delight as our specially packed explosive charge instantly roasts your meat in a flash, literally! (N.B. Guests must stand twenty feet apart to pull, nasal, ear and eyebrow hair may be singed due to the explosive nature of our crackers) Start your Christmas dinner by pulling a bird, or succulent pork with cracking crackling, the choice and convenience is yours!

Choose....

6 x Roast Chicken

6 x Pork & Crackling

6 x Vegetarian Option (Roast Potato)

6 x I Don't Like My Family Option (Chicken Nuggets & Offal)

or our supreme collection...

6 x Exotic Meats (Brontosaurus, Mammoth and Dragon)

Only £129.01 + FREE P&P!

Minced Pies - Offaly Good

Forget mince pies what you really need is the traditional Minced Pies, it's the real thing! Select cuts of choice pieces our butchers say we must get rid of have been blended in another special blend of special spices to turn what is essentially paupers food into shining examples of selling shoddy produce to gullible fools like you (By you, I mean you over there not the nice people reading this blog). From lips, eyes and arseholes these pies have everything!

No, literally, they have everything. I'm not kidding. You just wait until you are chewing for an hour on a rubbery ring, then you will understand.

Only £14.95 from all good supermarkets!

BONUS - BUY NOW AND  Get a jar of PIG LIPS absolutely free!

All this and more at www.ilovefestivemeats.tv.com.uk.ok.im.ill

Really? You Do Surprise Me For An Idiot

Yes, there is a calendar.

Against overwhelming odds we have managed to shoehorn one in this year with twelve lovely Impossimal months for your perusal. Unfortunately because we don't have massive access to large commercial printing facilities we have used a special online service to produce a really high quality ring bound product that incorporates heavy gauge printing and all the bells and whistles to make it a prestige calendar for 2016.

We will post the link a little later but for now a bit of blatant advertising.

WOW!

PETER & JAYNE SMITH & LOST ALICE

IN

SOLIHULL

AT

CASTLE GALLERIES

when?

SATURDAY 10th OCTOBER

really?

YES

BETWEEN 1-4pm!

am I welcome?

YES

EVERYONE IS WELCOME TO POP ALONG

BRING A FRIEND, BRING A LLAMA,
BRING A JABBERWOCK!

WE REALLY DON'T MIND

BUT MOST OF ALL

BRING YOURSELF!

SEE YOU SATURDAY!

I Speak Your Weight, No Coach Parties Please

As supermarkets have now had time to introduce a new voluntary initiative which was bound to work seeing as its voluntary, involving the voluntary labelling of food for health purposes, even though they haven't agreed on a common design yet it is definitely going to be done sometime next year maybe, today's blog aims to bridge the gap and inform but not finger point at yet another attempt in a balanced way.

Food should be fun, after all we are told that eating carb laden salty ridden breakfast cereals or drinking the equivalent of sixteen cups of sugar in one sitting should have us all skipping to work no matter our body shape or size so with that in mind I can reveal the governments new fun facts traffic light system designed to make food fun and informative.

First of all lets forget all the recommended daily allowances, after all they were created when we had to go out of our cave and bash a few dinosaurs for dinner, chasing a T-Rex all day burned up a lot of energy but there was no television. In today's world we have plenty more to do than chase the odd dinosaur such as sitting at a desk or maybe going to the kitchen to make a sandwich which all burn energy, did you know you burn one calorie every minute doing nothing? Probably. So due to our excessive calorie burning we have less energy, don't chase dinosaurs and so need to eat until we feel full. It all makes sense now doesn't it? 

So as you can see our new pie chart traffic light fun facts tells you what you want to know in a glance. We have used green to tell you it's fine, eat as much as you want, orange indicates that it goes well with chips by identifying salt content in relation to an average bag of chips and we don't use red as it puts people off buying stuff. Fill your trolley safe in the knowledge we have done all the hard work for you.

KNOW YOUR FOOD

Only one of these will make you fat and cost more than any of the others, which is it?

The correct answer of course is C, fruit and vegetables are some of the most expensive products in the supermarket and even worse they come raw and get this, you have to combine them and cook them yourself. But let's delve a little deeper and find out why a humble carrot is fattening. 

It's all to do with the letter C and colour, lets take the, one at a time...

A - Cake - It contains a C at the beginning so is safe to eat in large quantities, it's that healthy that supermarkets place them everywhere around the store to help you select the right cake.

B - Chocolate - It contains a C at the beginning again so handy healthy bars are situated at all supermarket tills for ease, at Christmas you can buy healthy strips of chocolate in yard lengths, these are handy and I recommend one of these to be taken daily as it contains large quantities of calcium, that's milk to me and you, plus chocolate makes you feel happy according to surveys funded by chocolate manufacturers.

C - Carrot - BEWARE Although it starts with a C it's coloured orange as a warning. Carrots come from underground where they are exposed to soil and worms. Would you eat something that had touched a worm? I didn't think so. Rabbits eat them and they have big ears and live underground because they are ashamed, carrots taste a bit like soap too or so I'm told by the microwave food manufacturers who have to use them in their meals after lobbying by 'healthyists'. To prevent you accidentally tasting carrots they recommend you overcook them out of existence in your microwave after they have precooked the hell out of them in the factory. Fruit is also a member of this family and they live with birds in the trees and we have all seen bird poop, Urgh!

D - Ice cream - Double bonus, it contains two C's and comes in a variety of colours and flavours. The benefits of ice cream cannot be denied as it can be served with that other super food, chocolate, giving ice cream a coveted triple CCC rating. Manufacturers make sure they are in handy portion sized tubs and recommend you eat one at each sitting, they can even aid midnight munchies and require no preparation like dirty vegetables.

E - Spam - This is a trick one, at first glance it doesn't fit any categories but think about it, it comes in a can and cans start with C so anything in a can is healthy and you can find such delicacies as jellied chicken, hot dog sausages and even a breakfast!

F - Pizza - This one should be obvious, the addition of cheese, there's that healthy C again, adds calcium whilst the fact that it can be cut into triangles allows for portion control. Pizza is one of the most versatile foods and helps a balanced diet by bringing together carbs in the dough for energy, cheese for healthy bones, tomato sauce for taste and twenty six types of processed meat toppings for protein and vitamins. They may be animal vitamins injected earlier to stimulate meat growth but they never did me any harm. Moo. Pizza should be served with garlic butter bread as garlic has health giving properties and the double carbs washed down with a sugary can of pop is an ideal way to fill up and fit up in one sitting.

WHAT DO I NEED TO DRINK?

Health experts recommend three litres a day of liquid. In real terms that means eight cans of fizzy pop, avoid the sugar free variety as its just flavoured water with very little value for money, go for expensive brands to guarantee you get that sugary hit. Engine oil or a little lard mixed in boiling water helps aid digestion and allows that extra sausage roll to slip down a little easier.

IS MY SHAPE HEALTHY?

Look at the government approved chart and decide on your body shape, use the list below to find out the shocking truth.

1. Absolutely perfect, you bulge in all the right places showing a sustained steady intake of fat, sugar, salt and calorie laden goodies with a disproportional body to head shape. Keep it up!

2. OMG, eat something quick. With little or no fat you will constantly feel cold and your muscle tone will look unattractive to members of the opposite sex. You will be considered a freak and shunned by the public, occasionally you will find like minded people herded into groups at so called gyms. You obviously lack all the daily nutrients required, eat dirty food like vegetables and have no sweet tooth you poor thing. There is hope though, start increasing your chocolate and pork pie intake gradually over the next year and I guarantee in twelve months you will be well on your way to a fuller healthier rounder figure and no longer feel an outsider.

3. Curvaceous and bubbly your favourite food is curlywurlys and quavers, a spot on sweet savoury ratio that should see you into maintaining that attractive figure well into your old age.

4. A quality figure taking a leaf from that peculiar triangular quality street shape. A heavy bottom gives you your own portable sofa and you find you can be comfortable sitting in any situation, especially when eating.

5. Way to go! Top heavy allows for some impressive fashion statements, clothes will hang rather than fit, exactly how designers intended and the extra bulk will strengthen your back while you walk.

6. Beach ball beauty, this seasons celebrity shape celebrating the best in booty. Eat plenty of butter, cheese and of course cream to maintain this sort after figure.

7. You are cock sure of yourself so stand up right and be proud of this seemingly stiff posture, don't go to the gym or take any exercise at all otherwise you will imbalance your unique figure.

Now, to celebrate your new found knowledge you need to give yourself a new name to celebrate, so take your favourite food and add your first pets name to give you your Fit Name.

Today's blog has been bought to you by Health Expert Chips Tiddles, president of the governments Fit Fat Program and Director of Massive Microwave Meals For Schools the leading suppliers of fried food for under fives

I Wear Pantaloons

As a reader of this blog this month we are giving you the chance to buy some of the latest in sheep lambology. If you place an order within the next ten days I will give you a foldaway feed bag on wheels entirely free!

 iBaaBaa - Cordless communication with flock to flock technology. £3

Want to know who's on the other side of the hedge? Screen your friends before you let them into the barn from the safety of your straw bed. Comes complete with panic alarm to alert friends when its going to rain and thus avoid them shrinking in the downpour.

 Ladybaa Tent - Hours of fun. Only 14d in coppers.

Keep you amused for ages, simple to erect even a giddy goat can do it. It has a secret entrance and a door. Hours of fun by going in and out the door again and again. Grass free inside, bring your own.

 Posh Storage Table - Saves Space. £999

Ewes show off to your Baafriend with this exquisite space saving coffee table. No more cluttered fields, simply put everything in this handy storage system which doubles up as a nifty hay rack in emergencies. Sit down and nibble a tuft of grass safe in the knowledge your field is tidy and secure. NB Item made of wood, not suitable for pipe smoking sheep.

 Easy Wear Baaftan - Fashion At Its Most Convenient. £1.29

Flattering Baaftan, one size fits all, even ewe. Perfect for all day wear with its full length flowing style. Versatile and waterproof it feels as light as a feather, ideal for use after being shorn. NB Not for use on farms owned by amorous farmers.

 Electric Grindbaa - Super Tool At An Affordable Price. £1000

Sand, grind, drill or sharpen other farm animals with minimum effort but maximum results. Start up a pedicure business, be the first in your field. Remarkable opportunity. Manufactured with lambs in mind, easy grip, comes with fifty attachments.

64K Lambtop - Surf The Interweb. Wi-Fi enabled. Only 2p!

Using the latest Wi-Field technology surf the Interweb whilst enjoying the sun and that ever so special patch of grass you have found to sit on. Laugh at Cats, find Ram Porn, Post on Farmbook! Comes complete with Webcam for Face to Face Baatime. NB Not weatherproof, needs mains supply, please check with your farmer that its available in your field.

Comfy Cushion - Got a Baaad Back? No More! £83.34

Our support pillow is the perfect end of the day comfort your barn has been crying out for. Be the envy of the pigs and cows as you snuggle down into this pillow resting your aching back after chewing the cud for several hours. Lots of fun. NB May smell after a few days, tumble dry for best results. The pillow that is, not you, it may shrink. You that is not the pillow.

Phone orders taken immediately or visit our website at www.sundaysupersheepshopdirect.baa.co.uk

Knicker My Bocker With A Mahoosive Bid!

Don't forget that this week is your chance to OWN Knickerbockergloria, our Ice Cream eating Ice Dragon raising funds for BREAK! Sponsored by Don and Carole of Bluebird Care Norwich. Knickerbockergloria took a month to create with hundreds of ceramic snowflakes, a see through oil painted centre of favourite ice creams and numerous other additions making a unique Lost Impossimal that has received 1000's of visitors over the Summer.

Reasons To Own Knickerbockergloria

It's for a good cause.

It's raising money for a good cause.

Did I say it's for a good cause?

She is gorgeous.

Makes an ideal talking point and ice breaker at parties.

Will look great mounted on a car bonnet.

Can fly (occasionally and only on the sixty fifth Sunday of December if it's an ice moon)

She talks (to me anyway, I cannot guarantee that she will talk to you but she is rather charming none the less)

You will own the only full size Lost Impossimal in the UK.

You get a free gift.

You get a chance to feature in the magazine Mission Impossimal with Knickerbockergloria.

Not many people own a real dragon.

You can add Dragon Handler to your passport and travel first class everywhere, probably.

PLEASE SIGN ME UP FOR THIS INCREDIBLE DEAL, HOW DO I BID?

Glad you asked, simply click here

http://gogodragons.co.uk/auction/

And bid away, the live auction is tomorrow so do something rash and bid big to win big, you've got to be in it to win it, you know you want to you naughty potential Knicerbockergloria owner!

P.S. You also receive the title Lord and Lady Knickerbocker of Gloriana making you rather posh.

To practice bidding here are a couple of blank areas to scribble down potential bids...

I would love to own Knickerbockergloria and make a bid of £_______

I'd be stupid not to bid, TAKE MY MONEY NOW, I bid £_______

Go big, go bid, Go Knickerbockergloria crazy!!!

http://gogodragons.co.uk/auction/

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Sleep Tight

I have recently started collecting old books from my childhood with a particular fondness for a set of books from the Purnell Sunshine Library and Deans International who published lots of Enid Blyton's books. Just in case you didn't know about Enid Blyton she used to write the most fanciful, whimsical children's books that catapulted children into far off lands on incredible journeys. She also included stories about gollywogs, chain smoking and general casual violence and verbal abuse in the nicest possible way.

I'm shocked.

I found the book above after searching for years, it was a favourite book of short stories, unbeknownst to me it also offered some of the darkest stories to issue from Enid's acid pen too. The opening story is quite cute, a girl who had hiccups but referred to them as 'hee-cups' much to the confusion of a couple of elf like brownies (why she called them brownies I don't know). A simple tale to lure you in to a false sense of bedtime security.

Peter's Penci Box is next, a cautious tale of a boy that lies his hat off everyday until his mother at the end of her wits asks him 'Are you a little coward as well as being mean?' And the teacher joins in with a jolly 'I think you are a very horrid little boy.' Way to go Enid, you stick that knife into the young lad and scar him for life.

Pointing out facts in a rude way was also common in the stories. In 'I'll Do Them Tomorrow' a pixie girl is described as plump, dirty and lazy until a local busybody decided to spy on her until she gets off her fat pixie arse to do a bit of cleaning. Further more in 'He Was Sorry For Himself' a selfish boy falls foul of another couple of menacing brownies this time called reddies that decide to, well, this is what she writes...

"Can we help him a bit - give him more things to feel sorry about? he'd enjoy that. Think how he would grumble and moan if we took his mother away, made him hurt his leg badly and had his bicycle stolen."

And they do! Leaving him in tears. Still, in The Cat With A Feathery Tail a silly moggie tries to fool a group of birds and gets the stuffing kicked out of himself by four cats then gets beaten around the garden by a child. The story ends with everyone singing "The cats getting smacked! Hurrah!"

In Pollys P's & Q's a mother exacts revenge on her daughter by pinning P's & Q's to her everytime she forgets to say please and Thankyou turning her into a human pincushion. In The Broken Gate five yoofs (modern term) ride a gate until breaking point (don't ask) then lie about it apart from one boy who is described as thick. Sulky Susan the target in the next story has a face like a smacked arse and boy, doesn't Enid go on about it. To teach her a lesson it goes all Scrooge style and she sees five other miserable sods which are actually her later in life, scared senseless she never frowns again!

Completely random she chucks in 'A Puzzle Story', wait for this, it's a good one. Basically a gnome searches the gutters and bins for discarded cigarettes, it then teaches children how to make a roll up from the stubs and then goes on to tell you how to make a packet of seven cigarettes from six! The only puzzle I could see is that a small child would have difficulty following Enid's roll up routines, but hey, let the kids smoke I say.

Simple Simon in his story is quite simple, even his mother accuses him of 'Not using your brains or you haven't even got any. I can't make up my mind which.', a lovely mother statement that must have enriched his life no end so he goes on to smash up a box of matches, sit on a pack of butter and generally mess everything up until the story abruptly ends with his mother final words echoing through his ears 'You ought to be ashamed of yourself!' Enid stop short of adding 'You idiot!' But I'm sure she thought them.

So yes, it was an enlightening book once I read it again forty years on and you know I still kind of liked it. Yes it's yesteryear and yes some of the subject matters and language is a bit odd but essentially it teaches respect for adults and adds a bit of fear to do the right thing as a child, not necessarily a bad thing. After all I turned out fine, I even managed to break my smoking habit by the age of seven although I still have a unnatural fear of everything brown.

I'm just about to start another book of Enids that I'm sure will be equally delightful, it's called 'Rolling Smoking Kids For Fun Down The Stairs Whilst Shouting Abuse At Them' it looks frightfully good and even has a crying child on the front.

Magical!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

A Note To Notice About A Notice To Note

A big thank you to Castle Galleries Bluewater and to all the collectors who came along on Saturday to join in the fun as Lost Alice was revealed to the public for the first time at the weekend. As you can see from the photo above the gallery recreated a lovely tea party with a wonderful edible table from 'A Place Of Uncommon Nonsense' complete with playing cards and goodies. The gallery too had plenty of Wonderland touches and the whole appearance went very quickly with many collectors both old and new arriving throughout the four hours.

So a great start which now begins in earnest as the entire collection rolls out across the UK this week. On this coming Saturday the 3rd of October we will be visiting Castle Galleries in Newcastle for a return after an absence of seven years. Come along and join us between 1-4pm, it's free and possibly drink laden making it the ideal venue to meet two ageing artists who tell weird stories and dress like disorganised tarts to make themselves interesting whilst banging on about Wonderland like it's all too real. Oh, there will be the entire collection, originals, maquettes, Jaynes fabulous new Wonderland work and even better, this...

Food will be served by our BBQ cat weather permitting (n.b. BBQ Cat is subject to change and maybe unavailable at the last minute due to the unstable condition of cats performing culinary tasks involving fire and edible meats, especially after last time when a ball of wool rolled by and our cat chef got completely distracted and burned down the beer tent)

So you don't forget, here's a note for your diary...

C#

...and here's a note for your dairy...

Three pints please and a small yoghurt called Colin.

...and here's a note for the dreary...

It rains, it always rains, I'm miserable.

...and a note for your dromedary...

Don't get the hump.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals