Crackerjack

I must learn to buy my Christmas crackers a little more carefully this year after ending up with some shocking items previously. I know cracker manufacturers are like everyone else and have to trim costs but really, how much fun can I get from four dominos? The miniature packet of cards is just about right, mildly useful and entertaining whilst being pitched at the average cracker buyer. I mean who wouldn't want a pack of cards made for a squirrel?

Golf tees are another no,no unless another cracker contains a full size club and a portable hole, likewise are the utterly useless keying that looks like a puzzle. Come on guys it's a spring with a split ring, I'd look a right pillock getting that out anywhere I'd imagine. So yes, this year I must choose very carefully indeed.

Now here's the quandary, do you go for the delux versions? In my experience the more expensive the less of a bang and there's no joke or crap hat but you do occasionally get something more useful like a little torch or even a set of cuff links. It misses the point a little though, pretentious crackers in my opinion are less fun so I need something else.

In an ideal world I want the down and dirty crackers that bang with a flash of flame that singes the tops of your eyebrows and leaves you deaf for the next ten minutes, you may be in your own world unable to hear anybody but boy did you enjoy the excitement. After the flash bang I want to be left with a small amusing joke, a paper hat that looks like a pirates hat or something equally exciting and not those crappy ring of crepe paper ones with a zigzag edge and finally a small gift that you want to keep and not leave for your hosts to find the next day at the bottom of a glass of wine where you tried to hide it. Ideally the keys to an expensive car but that isn't going to happen so instead how about something to give a bit of guest interactivity like a small buzzer so you could do impromptu quizzes at the table, or how about some water to beer tablets? Not seen them? They are ace, you take any liquid, drop one in and it turns golden brown and gets a frothy head with no alteration of taste, how cools that?

I could think of a multitude of other objects to stick in them, all as warped but instead I will leave you with my most treasured unexplained cracker possession from a few years ago. A satisfactory bang, a silly hat, a joke that made every on groan then this splendid item...

A plastic pig nose to turn any vegetable into a pigetable. Awesome!

 

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