Eye tests by their nature invade your personal space and out of choice I wouldn't sit face to face with a total stranger touching noses especially if they had just drank a choca mocha frappe latte triple coffee and still had a bit of cream below their nose. I don't know why but I became fixated with this anomaly barely inches from my face, unfortunately it fought for attention with the aroma of strong coffee, garlic and vinigar breath, a combination that made me feel faint as a hot blast whipped up my nostrils, what on earth had they had for dinner? Fighting the urge to suddenly stand up and in my best shirty voice shout 'For god sake eat a mint!' I tried instead to think of something else, puppies, rabbits, anything, but every time my eyes lazily refocused on the cream.
Look up, look down, look to the right, all of these things became nearly impossible as my eyes would not stop looking at the way it wobbled up and down as they spoke, clearly I was afraid it was going to tumble down to their mouth and be catapulted into mine when they said the word 'blink'. Mmm, they said in such a way as to make you think they have spotted something medically impossible at the back of your retina only the shape of the mouth forming the 'Mmm' had curled the upper lip enough to transfer a little of the cream down to create a smear. Urgh, immediately I jumped, immediately they jumped when my knees hit the underside of the equipment that was across my lap, it wasn't my fault that they nearly dropped their torch thingy but I noticed the room temperature drop several degrees.
"Please sit still until I have finished", obviously I had annoyed them. "Please don't eat weird combos for dinner, suppress a burp in my face or try wearing cream as a moustache, it's so yesterday, and while we are at it those shoes don't go with anything, ever" was what my mind said to comfort itself now I had to regain my composure and watch an ever expanding cream slick. If one bit gets sprayed from the human flocking machine onto me I swear I'd do something, I don't know what but I would do something spectacular, like lavishly throw up over them.
"Right, I'm going to put this coloured dye in your eyes, things will look sunny".
Sunny? Really? You mean yellow don't you? If you can make me see sunny then why didn't you tell me, I could have had my own personal summer instead of the crap one we had. Hey, why not do pink, then I could live my life through rose tinted eyes and ditch my spectacles. Oh, and wipe your face.
As the dye hit my eyes automatically shut, as they slowly opened everything had a yellow tinge and I was witness to my optical examiner licking the cream from their top lip with a overly extended tongue.
Looking back I must have made the people waiting quite nervous as I ran from cubicle screaming "Oh my god, Oh my god, they ate it!" and retching uncontrollably.
It doesn't bode we'll for the my dentist appointment does it.
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