J.Okes

This made me laugh a lot this morning, I found it on the back of a very old joke book and before you add it, yes I know, all my jokes are old. It's an advert for taking exercise. As the blurb says "Don't kid yourself any longer, you're not proud of your body...the only attention you get is ridicule and abuse...other fellows walk off with the prettiest girls and the best jobs...it works for weak men, fat and skinny men- men like you who had all but given up" Gee, thanks for that pep talk, I had a complex about it before and now you have just made me want to curl up in a ball and sob. Not quite sure if our advert model is looking at the scantly clad female or at the contents of his budgie smugglers, either way its unnerving me. Anyway, old Charles Atlas and his dynamic tensioning is still going strong so it must be good which brings me on to part of today's blog, deep fried Mars bars and the strange case of a disclaimer issued to the creator of said fried bar announcing that Mars does not approve or condone deep fried Mars bars as it goes against their principles of promoting a healthy active lifestyle.

So instead I have decided to come up with a healthy Mars Atlas Fried diet lifestyle that will help you increase your muscle tone, fry food and eat a Mars bar whilst burning off those calories. For this you will need a washing machine, a deep fat fryer, two carrier bags of sand, a building brick and twenty four Mars bars. Stop being a slob, just look in the mirror you scarecrow, nows the time to become superhuman with the new Mars Atlas Fried Diet System, it's so not a diet it's just like eating real food on an electrical appliance.

Step one - warm your deep fat fryer up an place it next to your washing machine along with the Mars bars.

Step two - remove all your clothes for maximum wobble and put each arm through the carrier bag handle and let it rest on your wrists. You will already notice that everything takes a lot more effort due to the 24lbs of sand in the bags, that is good, it means it's working and you are well on your way to shedding fat and building muscle.

Step three - place the brick in the washing machine and sit on it. Set it to the fastest spin and hang on, the brick will throw off the centre point of your washing machine and your body will compensate by wobbling violently. Occasionally the washing machine will move with you on it, if you pass a window during this phase don't be afraid to wave to neighbours.

Step four - unwrap a Mars bar and dip in batter (forgot to tell you that bit but it's easily prepared whilst on the washing machine, just don't get any sand in it from the swaying bags on your arms). Carefully deep fry the Mars bar, this is the dangerous bit as occasionally Mars bars can be underdone so make sure you cook it well at temperatures approaching molten lava.

Step five - Eat Mars bar. Essentially all that swaying, jigging, wobbling that you have hardly noticed has burnt off 1000's of calories so go ahead stuff your self silly with deep fried confectionary until the spin cycle stops, that's you cue that the diet has worked. You will step off the washing machine feeling like a new person. Walk out side and punch something with your new sledgehammer fists and surging power fuelled rippling muscles.

NB Effects differ for different body shapes and ages, please consult a doctor, a vet and a chiropodist before starting this new regime, oh, and inform your fire brigade you are about to try stunt frying and they should be ready for any accidents. Also inform your local accident unit to be on standby to cope with broken limbs, possible burns and baby oil for your new rippling hulk of a body.

Any way, before I go I must show you this in the same book, it's a classic joke advertisement, these things were cool but ultimately you realised you were going to be a tad disappointed when your £1.20 giant skeleton was I fact made of cardboard, I'm still bemused why the advert says it would be good fun in the bedroom.

The reason this is in today's blog is my one vivid memory of using Exploding Cigarette Whiz Bangs, basically small triangular bits of card impregnated with gunpowder. These were billed as 'After a few puffs - bang! - and watch them jump'. What it didn't say was if your eight and you put one in your Granadads cigarette you had better be prepared to run like hell.

It was easy, he was out of the room so I opened his packet and placed one in the end of a cigarette and returned it to the packet, like a bit of cigarette based russian roulette I thought he would find it amusing and we would all laugh and say what a fantastic jape it was. Reality bit as he raised the cigarette to his lips and struck a match.

BOOM!!!!! Shake the room!

Not only did the thing explode with one blinding flash of light showering the room with tobacco but it blew the match into his lap and was starting its own bush fire as I watched. Apparently I had not stuck it in enough, the force of the explosion reduced his brand new cigarette to just the filter and set fire to his eyebrows. A small mushroom cloud rose above his head and a soot like deposit covered his hands. To say he looked surprised was an understatement, if you can imagine Wile-e Coyote after a stick of dynamite he was holding had exploded you are half way there.

I ran.

Still, I never learned when a few months later I tried a similar trick only this time with a new item The North Pole Blizzard, needless to say, no one was amused.

 

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