SAW IIIVV - The Key To That Chain Is In The Bathtub

The latest addition in which to maim myself arrived at the beginning of the week, a scroll saw, another tool to help with building the Impossimal sets I seem to be creating at the moment. No longer content with building the electrics like last week I'm now obsessed with set design too. Over the last few days I have built half a street, including drainpipes, manhole covers, iron railings and even a railway bridge to sit at the end. It may all seem a bit much going to such trouble but it does allow you more freedom when placing an Impossimal in a painting, allowing me to try out angles and situations without the need for redrawing on canvas.

The scroll saw for a start is normally a sign that you are over the hill and decided that cutting out wooden ducks or letters is a pleasant hobby and before long you are sat at a craft stall waiting your first buyers convinced you will make £££'s. For me though its more of a lethal sewing machine with a means to an end, no wooden ducks will be emanating from my saw I can tell you, well, maybe one just to see what all the fuss is about.

Cutting a bit of wood with the saw should be quite straight forward, you put the wood down and push it, simple. Not so simple, for a start all the books I have read tell you that the blades make the wood travel slightly causing you to compensate by pushing more to the right, add to this vibration, which even when fastened to the desk is enough to rattle your teeth, and the speed of the blade which makes one small slip one big trip to A&E.

So my first go was a bit of a roller coaster, it started off as Ooo, this is easy to Whoooah!!! that was close followed by a quick counting of my digits to make sure they were all there. The wood goes in easy enough but twisting and turning it as it travels through the saw is where all the excitement is, if the blade comes within a loose already cut side it decides to play with it a little by jarring it then bouncing it like a bucking bronco. Luckily I had already read about this potential problem so used a pencil with an eraser on the end to steady it. ZZZzzzzzip, the pencil took the brunt of the bucking and it was sliced neatly in half, lucky old me, that could have been my finger I chortled. Emboldened by my good luck I chose an unsuitable piece of thin wood and began to play, zip, zip, zip, slash. Oops.

Mopping up the blood from my new cut I put on the tough gardening gloves then noticed a small plastic box at the bottom of the cardboard one the saw came in. Silly old me, it was a safety guard to stop said fingers from sliding into the slicer. Now I had a shield I could try all sorts of things.

A pencil lay in four pieces, a dried up tube of paint revealed its innards, a tube of toothpaste made a mess, bacon cuts a treat and as a bonus greases the blades with a not too unpleasant bacony aroma which changes to cooked bacon when you crank up the speed and cut vegetables. Mesmerised by the up and down action I supposed I did get carried away and it's only when Jayne noticed the toothpaste was missing did I fess up and stop.

So in a corner of the studio it stands, lethal, fun and smelling strangely of peppermint bacon awaiting its first major project early next week when I will be building a boat, a table and cutting out wooden ducks to sell on eBay. Whatever next?

I know, a funky bacon shop where all the bacon is cut into groovy shapes, bacon baps with bacon cut like a dog, any bacon any shape, it shall be called Bangin' Bacon Ltd. Forget the slicer have your bacon professionally shaped by our team of skilled scroll saw operatives, impress friends and neighbours with individually cut slices in the shape of their name. Throwing a dinner party? No problem, our portable Baconette Van will visit and cut on site, imagine your guests as they are greeted to a full joint of ham deliciously cut to look like a wooden duck. Priceless.

 

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