Well, dear blog, I'm a sensitive type so walking into a testosterone filled changing room full of burly naked men will always fill me with trepidation but in I went clutching my little towel and trunk filled bag. My things have changed, now I was greeted to a pleasant, empty and clean changing area aligned with neat little storage units as opposed to the old beaten up unlockable type that used to look like they had been filled with a festival of litter and emanated the stench of bad aftershave with titles like Rammer and Stallionfest. Quite often I used to take a carrier bag to put my stuff in after one day finding a stuffed beaver in a locker, no seriously, I thought it was a beaver, it turned out it was a hairpiece but that's a different and strangely colourful story. The hairpiece wasn't for the head.
I chose a locker and started to undress, bending down I heard a phone ring then a gruff "Ello?" from around the corner. I wasn't alone. It seems times have changed and it's perfectly natural to walk around a changing room completely stark balloon naked whilst conducting man business on the phone. Striding past at head height, for I was still bent over fiddling with the locker, I received a view that could only be described as the full monty whilst listening to a conversation along the lines of "...tell I'm it's me, Big Mike, I'll shut his mouth for him." I smirked, obviously his name defied the trade descriptions act. It went on and he strode past three times getting more irate with each passing. I knew his phone call had ended when he disappeared around the corner and shouted "tosser" to no one in particular.
Not a great start then. As I emerged from the changing room to an awaiting Jayne I was greeted to quite a pleasant sight, I was expecting just a pool filled with people and a stern lifeguard walking around threatening swimmers. Instead I got a pool nearly empty, a jacuzzi, sauna and steam room. Nice.
A quick shower later, for now you must shower between each area, I dipped in for the first time in years, chose a lane, which again was a revelation from being used to swimming around people, and had a nice little swim up and down. A few people were milling about in the water, a serious swimmer ploughed up and down to my right, a gentleman stood in one corner paddling away and a family to my left was taking photos of something splashing around. I couldn't really see clearly what it was and it was only as I was passing on the return I saw it was a baby. Only it did a peculiar thing as I passed, it turned to look at me and it's face changed. It went from "Wheeee! I'm enjoying this and I want to giggle and laugh!" to a down turned mouth that said "Soon."
It disturbed me a little but I carried on even though it repeated it again as I passed. Six, seven, eight, the lengths I was swimming mounted and my heart rate started to speed up so on my ninth length as I was approaching the baby family I was breathing quite quickly taking in that little bit of water you do occasionally so imagine my horror as I got level with them when I heard a "Uh ho."
"We need to change her quickly before it leaks."
I did a retch breath, you know the one, your drinking and it goes down the wrong hole so you retch so hard it sounds like a dog yaking on a bone. Only this time I was horizontal. Have you ever tried to keep your mouth shut for fear of sucking something in when your whole body is demanding oxygen? I know if I had opened it I would have been catapulted backwards leaving a floating trail of vomit as I tried to eject what I may have swallowed. It was probably some of the hardest swimming I have ever done as I panic swam out of the area. I looked back at the peculiar coloured patch of water drifting over to my lane.
Feeling faint I decided to haul myself out and pop in the steam room to recover. Never been in one before never will again. A wall of heat and eucalyptus nearly floored me and I started to gag again, not my day is it? Staggering out of the steam room I half collapsed into the strangely dark sauna and sat down. This was better, a dry heat that I could stand. As my eyes adjusted to the gloom I noticed a pair of feet across from me. Mr Full Monty from the changing rooms was lounging on the opposite bench eyeing me with questioning eyes.
"Not seen you before"
How do you answer a question like this? "No mate, not seen you either but then again I have never seen Big Foot, Snow White played by Brian Blessed or a polar bears anus". It's very difficult to hold a conversation with a stranger that you have seen naked at close quarters, who you know is prone to ripping off 'mates' heads and goes around with a name that includes a size in it. Uncomfortable.
The jacuzzi was a revelation. It's the first time I have been able to sit with several strangers whilst torrents of air filled my swimming wear to almost bursting point. Even more alarming was the air inflated them so quickly that the front popped out of the top of the water to my and everyone else's astonishment. I kept them entertained by trying to beat back my ballooning swimwear whilst not looking like I was in some way attempting a perverse form of gratification to the surrounding audience and indeed the security camera that had swung my way.
"Relaxed?" asked Jayne as I was escorted from the premises. Apparently urinating in the water was not the right thing to do, although looking back I could have been more discreet than doing it from the side.
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