Jimmy Tar Brush

As you can see we received lots of quality catalogues through the post today. Did I say today? yes, today, at the ungodly hour of 5:30am when the letterbox rattled to the sound of these being forced fed to our house. Who, and let me say that again, who on earth leaflet drops at 5:30am? Who are they employing, foxes?

I know times are hard but allowing foxes to leaflet drop is a bit harsh, next we will have hedgehogs delivering milk and squirrels delivering the mail as the cut backs bite. Did you know we even had a leaflet through asking if we as a responsible householder would have and guard a salt bin on our property? Can you imagine that? It further added that the salt was for the highway only and although it may be on our property we should under no circumstances use any of the salt for our own benefit. Well, I'm glad they cleared that up as I would be tempted to use some on my fish and chips.

As you can see, today I'm mostly grumpy and it's all down to the events of last night when I visited a local DIY chain...

I hate self service at the best of times but it seems that our local DIY branch has decided it's better to employ three members of staff to watch you struggle with the checkout service rather than man it themselves so it was with no surprise when I scanned my first item, the roof sealant pictured above, it screamed for attention because, and get this, I needed to be screened by an assistant to confirm I was over 21.

'Ha,ha,ha' said the assistant, 'That's a new one, you're obviously old, I'll just check it through for you'. She missed off the 'enough', 'old enough' is a lot better than 'your obviously old' but I was more taken aback when she then said 'You're not a pervert are you?'

'Wha! Scuse me!'

'Well, it must be used by some perverts or something otherwise it wouldn't have aged checked you'

Again, there are times in my life I stand gobsmacked, it's black roof sealant, even with my twisted mind I cannot think of any sexual deviancy that requires black tar unless of course gutter plugging is a common term and I'm naive. Either way I don't want to find out.

'They must get up to some disgusting things with it' she carried on.

'Thank you young lady, I'm here to buy sealant to seal things not talk about the potential thrills you can get from household items. Do you want to check my other things? I have a small bit of ducting here do you want to ask me what I am going to do with that?' I ashamedly realised I had used the term 'young lady' placing me firmly in middle age.

'Why, what are you going to do with it?'

'Well, I might stuff it up my bottom and pour in the sealant whilst hammering these panel pins into my testicles.'

'There's no need for that.'

'You started it.'

'Yes, but I thought you were a pervert.'

Now you can understand why I'm grumpy today, I have visited the DIY store many times only to find they have everything I don't need and are out of stock of the things I do, not only that over the course of the years I have been accused of being a varnish sniffer after wanting to buy yacht varnish, questioned over my use of glue and finally this, being branded a pervert who nails his tar covered nuts to a table for thrills. Just great, I bet they have me on file somewhere. Watch out for this bloke, he's a varnish sniffing, glue fetish pervert who sticks plastic items up his bottom and has creative uses for nails and tar.

Bet he's an artist too it adds, almost as a prediction.

 

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