New Year Eve and time for all the decorations to come down, the house always feels empty when you put them all away as you realise you have become used to all the flashing lights, sparkly bits and baubles scattered around. Fortunately this year we don't have the comedy routine to endure manhandling out a real Christmas tree, a sequence of events that managed to cover the entire lounge carpet in six and a half million pine needles, some of which I'm still finding in my socks and underwear to this day. We still call it Treemageddon day such was the devastation, we hadn't had so much clearing up to do since we foolishly filled a piñata full of chocolate and systematically destroyed it with a walking stick last New Year. The donkeys leg flew off as the whole thing exploded and it ripped itself away spinning from the ceiling and scattering chocolate, glitter and small plastic earrings like it had lost control of its bowels.
So bye, bye Crimbo tree, until next year when I fetch you out again and realise I have forgotten how to assemble you and refer to your informative instructions.
Who on earth writes these things? Take a look at the above photo, notice anything missing? Try the letters 'A' and 'F'. The instructions tell you to work from the bottom up but they are labeled from the top down, obviously they have also missed out the letters WTF. Think that's confusing then chuck in a random set of branches that are not on the list and you are in la-la land for a few hours whilst you work it all out.
'L', where the bloody 'L' does that go?, even the eight foot one doesn't have an 'L', eventually I worked out that 'L' is in fact 'C' using the handy colour coding system that includes 'A' and 'F'. More frighteningly is the fact it goes up to 'S' which by my estimate gives you a sixteen footer, how many people can take a sixteen footer? No, don't answer that and no, I won't bend over so you can show me.
It's like the Krypton Factor meets the Crystal Maze as I now have to work out each colour coded row and with instructions like 'G - Purple or Purple and White with side panel' you know it's not going to be easy. Again it tells you to begin with panels at the bottom, call me picky but I thought I was assembling the branches of a tree, so imagine my embarrassment when I went to the garden centre and asked for a tree with lovely full panels.
Even the cartoon man is doing it wrong, it said start at the bottom stupid! Not sure what the symbols mean beside him as nothing else had to be slotted in that resembled three condoms. See! I told you they were branches! Now I have to remove all those panels and start again. As for the other pictures of the branches I haven't the foggiest why they are there as they basically show you nothing apart from a dramatic close up. Oh, and it's probably sexist to show the lady working away whilst the man just stands there and rams the branches in, I suppose it's a bit like men and barbeques.
So Christmas is all packed away for another year, just one more hurdle, the New Year celebrations. I'll try to see if we can survive this one without a) Smashing a chocolate filled donkey to bits, b) Going on Chatroulette wearing a Cheryl Cole mask and dancing to Donald Where's Your Trousers, c) Playing beer pong using ping pong balls on fire, d) Half naked limbo dancing (don't ask) and finally e) Drinking absinth until I believe I am a Chello and try to pluck my own strings to the tune of Tom Jones Love Bomb.
Have a great New Year, see you in 2013 with something a little different, All4Love coming soon!
www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals
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