Christmas Day
Opening presents can be hazardous, make sure your family is safe from the perils of excitement by assigning a member of the public to open them on your behalf from behind a screen of some sort. The 'opener' can then dispel any excitement on your behalf and you avoid the stress you may endure when opening a particularly good or bad present. Excessive unwrapping has been shown to lead to smiles, unexpected thrills and occasionally joy, all should be avoided as they cause over excitement, heart problems and possibly death a government survey has announced.
The average person will consume over sixty two pounds of lard, drink the equivalent of twenty six pints of sherry and eat three Christmas crackers during the day before slumping down in front of the television to watch the Queen over the top of their stomach. Avoid enjoying your Christmas day meal by drinking heavily for breakfast, this saves 1,200 calories that a fried breakfast would normally contain. Carry on drinking heavily until you pass out around twelve'o'clock, by the time you wake up around eight at night you will have avoided all the fat and calories from the Christmas Day meal making you fit and healthy and ready to treat yourself to a drunken fry up and all those Christmas leftovers like the yard of chocolate and sixty two bags of crisps waiting for you. You can then tell so called do-gooders that you had a healthy Christmas Day and laugh at them for being so silly eating what they liked when government guidelines indicate that a blow out at Christmas seriously puts you at risk of diabetes, heart disease, tennis elbow and delirium bought on by enjoying yourself and in no way does your diet for the rest of the year have any bearing on any of this.
Boxing Day
A day specifically bought in to resolve Christmas Day family disputes with a healthy six rounds in the ring has now degenerated into a day of leftovers. Leftovers no matter how they are stored leads to food poisoning, eat leftovers at any point and you will die local government guidelines predict. Further government advice suggests that any food if left unattended for more than five minutes out of a fridge will show signs of bacteria growth and will become unfit for consumption. Sandwiches show dangerous 'curls' at the corners when they are ready to attack whilst mugs of tea go dangerously luke warm before becoming poisonous. Dr Anabelladelladingdong leading supermarket profit analysis professional from the University of Blackpool suggest throwing all food away the minute you stop eating and replace it will fresh supermarket produce.
New Years Eve
Drinking heavily in celebration has been revealed to be the main cause of drunkenness and should be avoided at all costs. A spokesman from the governments health agency recommends nothing more than a small peppermint tea around 4pm should be fun enough to last you the whole night anything stronger such as earl grey or the addictive drug coffee should be avoided completely and it is also recommended to retire to bed before the midnight hour and to record any festivities onto your digital recorder to watch calmly the next day. Should you find yourself unable to avoid New Year's Eve parties then take with you a snuggie and sit in a corner wearing it singing 'Somewhere Over The Rainbow' softly to yourself until either the party ends or you are taken home out of pity.
New Years Day
Scientists have revealed in the latest government funded report that drinking is the main cause of hangovers in this country. If you have a hangover new guidelines indicate that from 2013 onwards you will be struck off the NHS list, unable to see a doctor or a dentist and will be reported to your insurance company who will make your life insurance null and void whilst bumping up your premiums now that you have become a serious health risk. Any Facebook, Twitter or Google+ pictures or statuses that you have uploaded will be stored indefinitely and used as proof at a later date of your incapability to be a model citizen.
Now that you have made it through into the New Year you can look forward to a year in which we at the government like to call 'less is more' a promise we can keep.
P.S. if your name is Peter Smith, we would like to inform you that when we sent you three contradicting letters the other day messing your bin collection about we also failed to mention that the collection of your green bin for yesterday, although it was listed, was cancelled, so you will now get no collection of household waste for nearly three weeks allowing your turkey carcass from Christmas Day to completely rot down before we take it. We also recommend you avoid eating it for this period as it may cause stomach upsets. Don't worry though, our inefficiency has made you the butt of your neighbours jokes as you ashamedly wheeled your full bin back last night after a day of it living on the street alone. Enjoy your stinky bins. Yours Lo. Cal. council.
www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals
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