'Hi Colin, so do you have any news for us?'
'They know you know.'
'Err, who knows what Colin?'
'THEY KNOW.'
'Ok, they know, what do they know Colin?'
'Everything'
'Bloody great, I ask a 'psychic' on the blog for the first time and I get one that's full of crystal balls, I knew you were going to be trouble.'
'I knew you were going to say that.'
'No, you didn't.'
'They told me, they know everything'
'Oh god, this is going to be painful isn't it? Do you do anything other than swan around in that awful dressing gown with a tea towel on your head? I thought you could read the future?'
'I can and I knew you were going to say that too, they know EVERYTHING.'
'Right you, out! I won't have you cluttering up my studio with all this dribble unless you start coming up with something right now!'
'OK, keep you hair on, let me just get into my channeling position and contact my spirit guide, Tom, a time travelling tortoise that once fought at the battle of Hastings, in fact King Harold only got hit by an arrow because he had ignored advice from Tom. Tom said 'duck' but Harold who was hard of hearing thought he said 'look' and as he peered into the sky, wham, a arrow hit him.'
'Really?'
'Oh, yes, and there's more. The October Revolution in Russia, it was led by Tom, Lenin came along for a ride after a drunken bet when Lenin turned to Tom and said, 'You know, things are a bit slow around here, lets start a pub crawl'. Pretty soon Tom had gathered boozers from every drinking den in Petrograd before things got out of hand and started a revolution. He left Lenin nursing a massive hangover and a idol of tens of thousands of new drinking buddies after what was called at the time 'an awesomski party'
'You're just making this up!'
'No I'm not, do you want proof? I have got proof!'
'Show me then.'
'I have left it at home.'
'Left what at home?'
'The photo of Tom on the moon.'
'Wha! You really expect me to believe that?'
'It's all true, Tom was there when Buzz Lightyear stepped off the Apollo Tie Fighter on the moon and made history with the words a 'one small step for man one gigantic leap for mans best friend.' He was talking to Tom.'
'No he wasn't, first it was Neil Armstrong and secondly it was 'for mankind' not man's best friend.'
'Static, it was radio static that made it sound like that, Tom told me.'
'For god sake, are you for real? You really expect me to believe all this? Tom is a figment of your imagination, Tom does not exist. Period.'
'Do you want to see Tom?'
'Your kidding aren't you? Tom cannot exist, a time travelling tortoise my bottom'
'Do you want to see Tom? He knows everything.'
'Alright, alright, if I must, show me Tom so I can ask him what he was doing during the great fire of London, or maybe I could ask him just what the hell he was doing messing around with the Egyptians all those years ago when he helped build the pyramids all by himself. Jeese!
'You need to be quiet whilst I fetch Tom'
'Ok,ok, anything to stop this, just show me Tom and go away.'
'Here's Tom!'
'That's not Tom.'
'Yes it is, look, he's enshrined in the clothing of Gre, Tom is over a million years old thats why he is wrinkly.'
'That's not Tom.'
'Yes it is, speak Tom, speak! Mmmm, this... is... Tom speaking... I predict you are wearing socks.'
'Right, that's it, out you go with your stupid ventriloquist act performed on a Cornish pasty from Greggs, it's not the clothing of Gre, it's the wrapper of Greggs, now get out!'
'Noooo! Tom! Tom! What's happened to you! You have kidnapped him! Kidnapper!!!!'
We have to leave the studio there as Colin Future has been escorted from the building clutching a half eaten pasty. So there we have it folks, time travelling tortoise indeed, what a load of hokum. This has been a special report from the Marquis of Gandola, the only talking time travelling turtle in existence and debunker of all things tortoise.
www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals
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