Right all you festive fun loving people, it's nearly the new year so I, the fitness moose will help you all to shed those extra few pounds you have put on over the holidays with my new product the Loose Moose Flab Fighting Sooper Shoos. Specially adapted footwear will enable you to do your normal tasks whilst burning away those extra calories.
Each Shoo has been tested for ultimate comfort and fitted with a patented tilting system causing you to correct your balance every step. It's these balance corrections that will cause your muscles to work overtime and shed calories as fast as you eat them. Results may vary as will the associated injuries from using these footwear incorrectly. For your chance to own this cutting edge fitness technology simply cut out this coupon and mail it to P.O.Box 62737262513.1 and pay no money now.
BONUS!
As part of our introductory Shoo offer you will also get our Food Fitness program of which you can find excerpts from below. Eat yourself to a better body with our scientifically proven system guaranteed to change your body shape. N.B. Results may vary and may not be what you expect.
Banana Bends
Who would have thought a simple banana would help you lose weight? Using just your hands pick up two bananas one in each hand as illustrated above. Using only your teeth try to peel each banana until the fleshy bits are exposed. This should take you a few minutes, feel free to gag as much as you like as the pithy stuff gets stuck in your clack. Once both are peeled eat them both at the same time by bringing your arms together in a arcing movement and force them into your mouth. Chew each piece twice, the object is to eat them both in less than ten seconds. Congratulations you have now started to lose weight.
How Does It Work?
It seems like magic but actually its based on sound principles, you had to hold a banana in each hand forcing you to use your teeth, this extra jaw motion burnt two calories whilst the gagging out of disgust burnt another one calorie. This combined with force feeding yourself made your jaws move faster and your heart rate increase as you found it difficult to breath. We all know an increased heart rate burns fat so the rest is simple fitness science, jaw movement + gagging + heart rate increase = fat burning! N.B. not suitable for monkeys and apes as they tend to cheat or indeed homosapiens of any age. Always follow the guidelines and don't replace bananas with marrows as injury could occur.
Remember, keep hydrated at all times, wine makes a good isotonic drink and should be consumed freely during Foodercise as its good for your heart or something.
Healthy Cookie Fat Reducing Smoothie
Take one pack of cookies and place them in a small tub.
Keep hydrated, drink a little more then carry on.
Add one full tube of low fat mayonnaise, this is important as it helps break down the fatty cookies.
Keep hydrated, it's really important!
Next, add to the cookie and mayonnaise a whole twelve pack of low fat crisps, this adds an extra 'crunch' to to your new power food. Shake it all around until the contents are entirely covered in mayonnaise. Get somebody to tie your hands behind your back and place the full tub on a sturdy table. Using only your mouth try to eat the entire contents of the tub safe in the knowledge that all the extra low fat content will offset the fatty cookies.
How Does It Work?
Because the crisps and mayonnaise are low fat they act as negative calories so you can easily offset any food be it cheese, pork scratchings or even chocolate by covering them in low fat mayonnaise and low fat crisps, it's a secret that food manufacturers have kept from us for years. We have added the extra excercising of eating without your hands to pimp up the negative calorie effects. After consuming your fat reducing smoothie it's perfectly normal to feel bloated and sick, it's all part of the fitness regime working with your body. For best results take the smoothie twice a day for six weeks, you will feel and look like a different person and people will comment. Probably.
The above is an excerpt from the multi award winning Foodercise - Eat More, Lose More, Gain More, Drink More, Grow More, Your Key To A New You, my free gift to you with each Sooper Shoo purchase, get yours today and start 2013 with a new Sooper Shoo You!!!
Ah, now I have got that out of my system I did notice this festive message on an advert over Christmas should you wish to borrow a few quid...
I'm really in the wrong business, anybody want a few quid to tie themselves over in the New Year? I have perfectly reasonable rates at only 277% APR. undercutting my competitors by £££ and I promise I won't kick down your door and empty your house if your default by as much as 1p. Probably.
I'll even throw in a Sooper Shoo, see, now your tempted!
www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals
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