It's not very often I rant on here, well, yes it is actually but that's not the point, excuse me whilst my dial gets turned up to ten.
Before I continue with Knob Twiddlers Christmas Day listing I would just like to thank my local council for sending me three letters yesterday informing me that my bin collection has shifted. After carefully using a bin change chart supplied by the council in their 'lifestyle' magazine to work out when my next collection is these three letters which plopped through my letterbox took me into the twilight zone as each contradicted the chart and indeed each other. So I can now sleep peacefully knowing all my Christmas wrapping paper in my recycle bin will not be collected for nearly three weeks whilst my household waste bin will indeed be collected on Wednesday 2nd January or Thursday 3rd depending on which letter you read even though they all dropped through the letterbox on the same day and are all dated the same day. Its like working to the Mayan calendar, maybe the world is going to end on Friday as predicted, best not worry about the bins then.
Before I forget, thank you too for bringing to my attention in all the letters that my bin will not be collected if the lid is, god forbid, slightly open or I leave any additional waste nearby that may have accumulated through waiting an extra week and enjoying Christmas festivities involving wrapping paper. I'd wish you all a Merry Christmas but I believe that Christmas has now been moved to the middle of Easter or is that the middle of June? I seem to have mislaid the letters that updated my calendar. It's always nice to see my council tax is being used in an efficient and worthwhile manner and I congratulate you on the way two pieces of information have been skilfully crafted to warrant three letters complete with postage when silly old me would have just used one letter which would have been checked before being sent out.
Click!, dial set back to my usual level one, just don't ask me to tell you about charges for bin collections we endure, the mysterious street sweeper that refuses to sweep part of our street time and time again because it would involve an extra ten seconds of work and the ridiculous offer of hosting a grit bin on our property which we would not be able to use to grit the path to the grit bin so potential grit spreading neighbours don't slip and fall on our property because it is on our property and the grit is for the highway not property use.
Ok, the dial may have slipped back up to eight so I will leave you with a bit of valuable (genuine) advice from the council regarding Christmas crime. 'If two cars are next to each other and one is stuffed with Christmas gifts and the other is empty offenders will choose to break into the one where they can see there is something to be taken' Thanks for that Sherlock but what do I do when I get home? Do you have any advice for me? 'Well, yes I do, think about not putting presents out until Christmas Eve, it will add to the surprises and keep potential burglars away.' Gee, thanks for that, maybe I should consider chucking away all my opened presents on Christmas Day after I have had the surprise, that way by getting rid of my new acquisitions I'm avoiding tempting burglars yet again. Merry Christmas.
Your handy TV Guide Pt 2
Christmas Day
10:00am Gordon's Christmas Cookalong Live - Follow tirade after tirade as Gordon teaches you to swear at your turkey and hurl abuse at relatives, all useful skills for later on in the day when the grim reality that you are not having that perfect Christmas sinks in and you open that bottle of scotch.
11:00am The Snowman And The Snowdog (Repeated endlessly until the New Year) In a sequel to the incredibly popular grim Snowman thirty years later the snowman returns to kidnap another unsuspecting child using his dog to entice him out at the stroke of midnight. After another 'trip' he visits more dancing snowmen before extracting revenge on the original snowman using an hairdryer.
12:00pm Classic Top Of The Pops - Edited version, all DJ's replaced by a cartoon cigar smoking pig.
1:00pm FILM Scrooge - Ebeneezer is visited by three ghosts who compliment him on his penny pinching skills and convince him to start his own bank and become a member of the county council. Bob Cratchit is kicked out of his house and Tiny Tim is forced to sell his crutches after going overdrawn at Scrooge PLC to the tune of one penny. Heart warming classic.
3:00pm The Queen - This years traditional message follows on from the Queens parachute jump for the Olympics as she teams up again with Bond to tackle SMERSH in the tunnels beneath Buckingham Palace, tunnels the Queen secretly uses to shop at Lidl. Contains graphic violence, strong language, crowns, corgis and horrific ears. Oh, and a horse. At least it looks like a horse but one can never be too sure can one.
5:00pm You've Been Framed - A short program on the perils of framing. Watch video after video of framers 'getting it wrong' as they mis-cut mount board, try to mount items in unusual shapes and use coloured frames on black and white photographs.
7:00pm Emmerdale - In a revenge attack to win the soap awards the cast of Emmerdale join in the fighting at Coronation Street and bring with it several new disasters to our Christmas screens with rampaging cows, out of control tractors and rabid sheep cumulating in a death match in t'top field.
8:45pm Downton Abbey - Stylised period drama in the style of a modern day soap, expect perambulator crashes, tipping of hats and décolletage shots aplenty.
9:00pm That Dog Can Dance! - Clutching at entertainment straws in an in-depth look at the lowest of Britain's Not Got Talent. Stretched out to an hour this excruciating show will test your patience in the quality of national television. Rating - Poke your eyes out.
11:00pm Worlds Strongest Man - Watch nearly bursting competitors compete in Herculean tasks such as pulling a big thing, picking up big things and tossing big things all given exciting names like Dead Lift and Giant Dumbbell Press. Marvel as their veins expand to popping point, they run out of oxygen and strain muscles whilst grunting and groaning. A bit like going to the toilet on Boxing Day then.
1:00am The Jeremy Kyle Show - Extreme dentist edition. Witness shocking gnashers attached to heartwarming individuals with nothing better to do than air their laundry live on television in an attempt to get the attention they miss at home. Today's edition features Carl, the young dad of twenty five miniature ponies all claiming income from the government and the results of a DNA test to decide if five hundred stone Tracey's blood is actually gravy.
www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals
No comments:
Post a Comment