Top Tip Tapir

Tipping top tips the Top Tip Tapir tips will enhance your life and bring you health, wealth and happiness. Maybe. Stroke my nose for extra special tips.

Tapirs Tips

Recreate a posh iPad by simply looking in a mirror and talking to yourself in 'Facetime', occasionally run your fingers across the mirror to pretend swipe.

Want a white Christmas this year? Simply cover the garden with Smash ready mix potato for a safe alternative that won't melt.

In a restaurant place a small plastic shark in your dessert and inform the manager that you have been given shark infested custard and demand a refund.

Recreate a visit from the Men In Black by drinking two bottles of scotch. The very next day you will awake in a strange place with no memory of events the night before.

Don't buy special convenience food, simply take a sandwich to eat on the toilet.

Hold any book at forty five degrees and whilst reading it slowly move it away from you for a thrilling Star Wars intro feel. Alternatively read the ending then all the pages in between in a random order to recreate a Pulp Fiction feel.

Cold hands? Simply get warm by setting fire to your gloves.

Crave attention when you break wind in a crowded elevator? Simply ask the people around you if they can smell popcorn, you'll get all the attention you need when they take a good deep breath.

Annoyed that you can't get an appointment at the doctors? Phone the vets instead and get in immediately, you may need to turn up in a cage or wearing a collar and lead to convince the pesky receptionist.

Make everyday a Scooby Doo day by adding Zoinks! to the start of every sentence and ending your day at work by saying to your colleagues 'I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for you pesky people'

Fasten strips of fatty bacon to the tyres of your car to recreate a skid pan feel. Alternatively Sellotape monkey nut shells to them for super snow grip during the winter months.

Pistachio shells banged together make excellent sound effects for miniature horses.

Builders pretend your posh by lifting your steaming cuppa to drink using only your little finger.

Tapirs Top Tip Handy Signs

Avoid embarrassment by hanging this outside the loo after a good session.

Worried that slamming your back door will eventually lead to it having to be replaced? Use this handy sign to ask people to be gentle with your back door.

Finally a solution to your monkey car problems. Warn other motorists that your vehicle may shed banana skins and the loose monkeys could impart your driving ability with this handy warning sign.