Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Show Us Your Old Bits

Welcome to the latest antique bandwagon program to hit your screens presented by the slightly peculiar and sinister David Dickybob. In this series we invite you to bring your old objects to our event tents around the country for accurate valuations, maybe that dusty item sat in the corner of the room is worth pounds or maybe it's just grandma, either way bring them to our roadshow and we will tell you, maybe this time next year you will be a millionaire.

First up to meet David Duckybob is the lucky owner of this fabulous piece of china.

'Hi David, This has been in my family since Wednesday when I found it tucked away in Poundland.'

'Wow, I don't think I have ever seen a more stunning piece, let me tell you a bit about it before I even pick it up to confirm my expertise and give you a smug grin. It dates from around the 11th century judging by the naive design work and comes from China hence the name china I used earlier. Notice how the light passes through little dimples in the bottom making them brighter. This particular shape is called 'a bowl' and comes from the word 'bowl' the 'a' was added later. I know you don't know what it is for otherwise you wouldn't have bought it to me, I'm an expert you know.

It's actually used for holding food, sometimes soup or maybe noodles and chicken chow mein. Prawn balls could be placed in here to stop them rolling off the table. People in the 11th century used to eat food and this is the very bowl that started the trend in crockery we see today. Let me turn it over and see if it has any markings'

'There, see it? It takes a trained eye but I can read it quite clearly, it says "MADE IN CHINA". There, that confirms everything I have told you accept the price. Unfortunately it has a little dust on it that is going to affect my offer, normally this bowl would fetch around the £20,000 mark but the dust really does detract from what a dealer would offer.'

'Ill give you a quid.'

'Done'

'You have been, next!'

'Hi David, I found this unusual thing in my attic, what is it and can I put it on eBay?'

'Its no wonder you didn't recognise it, it's actually a bag that holds real money. It dates from years ago when you trusted banks with your money and in return they didn't trust you so chained their pens to their desks.

' See, inside is real money, you don't see that very often, you have 16d or 16 groats in old money. These are often called a penny and ladies were often called Penny in the hope they attracted pennies in large quantities. In 1845 the first Pennyland was opened where everything was a penny, you could buy a horse or a tallow candle, it didn't matter, they were all a penny. If you ever found a rare black penny these could be sellotaped to letters and posted, it's why people look for Penny Blacks today to post letters as postage is cheaper if you use a rare penny black rather than a first class stamp.'

'Look at the bottom of the bag, we have some Eartha Kitts. Many years ago people made twelve sided coins to stop young couples rolling coins across table tops to each other as it caused too much excitement. Their peculiar shape also makes them easy to find down the back of sofas. "I'm going for a thrupny bit" was a popular announcement when a gentleman decided to retire to the water closet for a giraffe.

Unfortunately all money is now worthless and wealth only exists in computers until banks decide to lose it, maybe if they made virtual money twelve sided they would find it more easily, after all it has got to have gone somewhere.'

'I'll give you a quid'

'In old money?'

'Yes'

'Ok'

'Due to inflation your quid has depreciated, here's your new deal, 1p'

'You really are a thrupny bit aren't you Dickybob'

'I certainly am, next!'

'Hi David, I found these on a shelf, are they worth any money?'

'Say it like it is, I like that. These are very special, they are in fact pins to hold things together but they have the word Adamantine across them which denotes their previous owner.'

'Who was it David?'

'It was Wolverine, only Wolverine has adamantine pins to repair his indestructible skeleton. Now that you have been on this program he knows where you are and he's going to find you and rip you a new one.'

'Gulp!'

'I'll give you a quid.'

'Just take them, please, I don't want a new asshole!'

'Next!'

'I'm puzzled David, what do the words BRITISH MADE mean?

'Many years ago and you might find this difficult to believe, we actually used to manufacture things ourselves. I know, I know, it's unbelievable, it's like a fairy story or having a pension. But we did, we used to make everything, from tins to pins, from socks to sweets, did you know that even HP Sauce used to be made in the UK?

Anyway in today's world we buy everything from another country including gas, electricity and air so everything is second hand before we have even received it. Even our weather is imported from other countries although they keep getting the order mixed up between sun and snow.

So what you have is a proud British manufacturing firm making small self adhesive dressings, I'll give you a quid.'

'No, it's worth more than that, you told me we don't make anything ourselves any more.'

'Ah, but you are forgetting one thing, because its British made people now think that it's inferior and will not pay any money for it. 50p is my final offer.'

'Ok, cheapskate.'

'Next!'

'Somebody told me that this dates from the 1990's and may be worth a few pounds, any ideas David?'

'For a start I'm the expert, you come in here with your know it all attitude, amateur!'

'Ok, I'm sorry Mr Dickybob'

'Thats better. Hmm, you are wrong, it's actually a C350 luddite smartcart from 1790, a give away is the numbers, distinctly 18th century if I'm not mistaken. It was first used by Tomas Edison to talk to Queen Victoria, it normally has a trumpet attachment and can also double up as a Prince Albert in emergencies.'

RING...RING!

'And it's still working, unbelievable! Hello?, Hello?'

'Is that Mike?'

'Wow, a voice from the past, do you know what we have here?'

'No.'

'Its the original entropy bending version invented by Edison so he could chat with Julius Caesar and Christopher Columbus, never mind time zones this thing could communicate with history.'

'Wow! Bet it's worth millions!'

'Nope'

'But you just said...'

'I know what I said but we have no need for these today, we have the new fangled morse code system.'

'But!'

'No but's, I'll give you a quid, remember, I'm the expert, not you.'

'Oh, go on then.'

'Thats enough deals for today, I can't stand putting up with any more of you uneducated people, I'm off to my dressing room to buff these things up and sell them at inflated prices. I'm an expert you know!'

www.dickybobdodgydealsdonedaily.c.u.jimmy

 

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