Hi, my name is Baron Ivan Tobite Urneck and if like me you look a little rough in the morning have you ever thought it might be down to vampires? Yes, they really do exist and no, they don't twinkle or make sickly movies, a real vampire keeps their identity secret but there are some tell tale signs you can check for in your own home before you accidentally go out and bite a virgins neck.
Number one give away, red eyes. A dead cert that you are a VAMPIRE! red eyes are due to excessive blood from gorging on a victims neck, either that or you are a hopeless drunk that is ready for a quick 'nip'. Check for the bodies of victims around the house, if none are found then sorry you are just a hopeless lush.
Ever wondered why every photograph you have taken of yourself in the mirror with a smartphone has never come out right? It's because you are a VAMPIRE! I suggest removing all mirrors and bulb shaped vegetables from the kitchen cupboards, wear gloves if necessary. You have also probably noticed that if you spend long periods out in full sun you start to go red, this is a warning sign that you are about to burst into flames, vampires hate sunlight. It's been known for vampires unaware of this condition to spontaneously explode when using sun beds, stay away from all tanning equipment. Contrary to popular belief you will not shimmer in sunlight no matter what people say, ever, period.
Check your teeth, only one of the above is correct. If you have two canine teeth that look vaguely pointy then yes, you have been bitten at some point in your life and you are turning into a VAMPIRE! Stock up with snacks like raw meat and black pudding. However if you have teeth like B then you are probably called Cleetus and live in a pick up truck. Stay away from people with D teeth, they are a piano and should not be played with.
Check your date of birth, if you are more than a hundred and twelve years old and can remember Julius Caesar and your neighbour Ug who invented fire then you are definitely a VAMPIRE! Occasionally people of this age are not, if your one of them and you are not a vampire you are an INCONTINENT!
Now that we have confirmed you are a VAMPIRE, you need to know your steak from your stake. Use the above cut out and keep chart to identify food or fear. If anyone approaches you with a hammer immediately hiss at them, turn into either a bat or a wolf and fly or run away. To avoid suspicion at work start to wear a cape, you will find it handy to conceal your victims and it looks stylish in today's fashion led world. You may need to change your working hours to suit your new vampire status. Choose your friends wisely, that Mr Blade sat across from you in the canteen may not be as friendly as he seems. Real vampires don't drink animal blood, leave that to the movies, how many have you seen chowing down on a golden retriever? I'll answer that for you, none, it's just too silly to think about.
Being a vampire should not inhibit your life, look at the above selection of well known faces, how many of them are vampires?
All of them! Roger Moore used to have a steady supply of nubile young ladies led to his trailer during the filming of The Man With The Golden Gun to satisfy his hunger, how do I know this? Well, he shared the film with Scaramanga played by Christopher Lee, a real life vampire who famously played a vampire to dispel rumours he was a vampire. Incidentally the word Scaramanga is a biopularlaris ambiguation meaning VAMPIRE. Not a lot of people know that.
Jack Nicholson (top right) played a Werewolf in a film, Alfred Hitchcock made scary films and Charles Bronson made the Death Wish series, a series title that held true to his vampire living. See the connection? It's clear that there has been a massive Hollywood coverup on the far reaching effects of vampirism.
Did you know eight in ten people like the taste of blood so much they eat RED MEAT and BURGERS to satisfy their taste, another sure sign they are a VAMPIRE! Even supermarkets have capitalised on this bit of information and sell RED UNCOOKED MEAT so vampires can buy REAL BODY MEAT to satisfy bloodlust when not on the prowl. Vegetarian vampires are also catered for with Quorn sausages, Quorn is the old Moldavian word for VAMPIRE MEAT probably. If you look carefully they even sell BLOOD disguised as tomato juice, that's why it's called a BLOODY MARY when you add it to vodka, it's an acknowledgement that the JUICE is HUMAN JUICE squeezed from the necks of fresh MARY'S.
So today when you are at work try and discover who is a vampire, check their lunch box, walk around with a mirror or a sun lamp, you might surprise yourself, it could be your friend, your wife or even you!
Don't have nightmares...
www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals
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