Yes, every reader of today's blog gets this free Satnav - Pub Version absolutely free! To get your Free Satnav simply cut out the instructions below and carry them in your pocket. To find you way home from any pub simply follow the Satnav instructions provided.
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Waiting for a signal...
Two satellites found...
Would you like to use HOME as your destination?
Yes / No
Yes
Carefully stand up using any available furniture, people or animals to steady your self, if the Satnav instructions appear blurred get a fellow patron to follow you shouting out the instructions.
Look for a tall rectangular object, it's called a door, you may have been familiar with it many hours ago when you entered. Proceed straight on through the door.
Pick yourself up and apologise to the dog you tripped over, shout 'I'm alright!' and leap to your feet. Locate the door and have another go.
You are outside, the sudden rush of fresh air comes like a blow to the head. If you feel dizzy sit down on the step otherwise proceed left or right. I'm not fussy, either way you are going to change directions so many times before you get home that it doesn't matter.
Walk for two hundred yards straight ahead.
Can't do it can you? What a cheap drunk you are, that last vodka shot really shouldn't have been mixed into that Baileys.
Stand still and ponder your location, remember to sway steadily in the wind. Point left then point right, finally place your finger on your chin and say 'That way' and step forward, swing lavishly to the right and as you become unbalanced fall over the garden wall.
As you get up remember to empty the debris out of your pockets along with some loose change and your house keys.
You should now be back on the pavement and pointing in a homeward direction. Proceed for one hundred yards in a bandy legged zig zag fashion.
Hug a lamppost.
Befriend a cat.
Shout 'Hiya' and smile inanely at random passers by.
Start to walk using big strides, gradually make the strides smaller and smaller until you start a small run. Now tilt forward a little and veer to one side.
Pick yourself up from the gutter and put the broken wing mirror back on the car. Touch the bump on your head gingerly and pocket your newly removed front tooth.
Drop to your knees and whisper to yourself 'Oh god!'
Crawl for fifty feet resisting the temptation to produce a technicolor yawn.
Too late, don't worry it looks like some trendy kneecaps and the smell will come out after six washes.
Using anything nearby pull yourself upright.
Suddenly remember you have a phone and get it out of your pocket.
Not got it have you? It's back in the garden you fell in to and you don't remember where that was do you?
Look to your right, can you see it?
No, it's not home, it's a discarded shopping trolley. Way hey! You have transport, your chariot awaits.
Clamber on the back and like a scooter use one leg to propel yourself along on your transport of delights.
Fall forward into the basket at the most inappropriate moment and find yourself free gliding out into open traffic.
Phew, that was close. Do a sigh of relief as you hit the kerb at 58mph and squeal as the trolley catapults you trebuchet style into a skip.
Let the world wash over you, sleep beckons. Make yourself comfy using anything in the skip you can find.
Sleep.
Morning!
Waiting for a signal...
Two satellites found...
Finding location...
You are at Basingstoke tip, you have no money, no phone, two funny smelling kneecaps, a large bump to your head and you are missing one tooth.
Would you like to use HOME as a destination?
Yes/No
Yes
Destination set to PUB.
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www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals
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