A Bloody Menace

Clowns, we have all seen them, we all hate them. They are a bloody menace with their red noses and comedy cars so we at the Clowns Pocket the only recognised clown eradication society has produced this guide to clown cleansing written by our esteemed leader Reginald Ballsworthy.

I'm Reginald Ballsworthy and I hate clowns. There, I have said what you were thinking. Clowns are a menace to society and undermine our victorian priniciples, just like the other annoying class of mime artists and street theatre. Access to clowns has become more prevelent with the internet, filters should be put in place to stop children seeing clowns accidentally, they are morally corrupting with their custard pie shots and squirting flowers. It makes me seethe, yes, seethe with morally corrupting fury at the unfettered access to clownography. In my day if wanted to see a clown fuelled custard pie POV I had to jolly well pay for it.

KNOW YOUR CLOWN

Clowns have red noses, that is true. You know why they have red noses? Because they are all drunkards probably the smiling clots. Anyway, should you see someone with a red nose then punch them HARD in the goolies. Their nose should pop off and you can add it to your trophy drawer.

Examine any noses you manage to secure, you may get lucky and find a makers mark such as M.Ade Inchina or M.Ade Intaiwan, both are prolific clown nose manufacturers and any clues like this can help in tracking down their elusive factory.

To successfully cripple a clown and remove a nose you should emply the ancient art of Tai Klown Do, the specially crafted violent moves to take down a mirth making individual. Don't by dazzled by the strange and colourful garb of the clown, it is made to deceive. For example any attempt to stamp on their feet will be thwarted as clowns feet rarely reach the end of their shoes, however standing on the end can disable their ability to run and turn them into a useful punchbag.

Using Fig A a quick karate chop to the windpipe will come as a surprise, rush around the back to Fig B and knee them squarely in the back. This disables the spine momentarily allowing you to mount them as in Fig C. Move your hips back and forward in a thrusting motion to loosen the nose or until you are spent. Beware! In Fig D we see a clown reversal, whilst performing your mounting action they may attempt to get you to ride them higher by holding on to your arms. If is occurs let them finish, afterwards they will be exhausted and you can kick them in the goolies without concern.

Here are four ways to grab or punch a nose. The delivery method bottom left shows a swift punch that will disable the nasal passage of the clownee whilst the top swing bottom right promotes a swipe action that batters the clown to the floor with a run up.

Should all else fail pull out your gun and shoot them. Clowns will need at least three blasts from an Elephant Rifle to go down completely, even then they may still retaliate with a car horn or squirty flowers.

Here we see Major Roger McButtocks taking down and entire troupe using a trusty magnum six shooter after first unleashing a volley of rifles from his anti-clown regiment after discovering a big top in the adjacent field to his home. This cannot be tolerated, those clown types are a bad influence and often lead to petty annoyance like children's entertainers and poor magicians so should be moved on or taken out as soon as possible. We are not all lucky enough to have an army willing to remove such a menace so it is wise to always have a man trap baited with a cream pie in the garden at all times.

Occasionally you may come across animals that have inadvertantly got a clown nose stuck to their own, these too should be taken out at any opportunity. Here we have a Clownodile surprising Major Burns, arm your manservant on all expeditions to avoid surprises.

I hope you are suitably informed on the menace of clowns. Do not fraternise with clowns, if you suspect your children have been exposed to clowns then contact us immediately and we will beat it out of them.

Symptoms of clown exposure include

Giggles, a penchant to wear coloured clothes, excessive use of makeup, an annoying car horn sound, the doors fall off your precious motor when you start the engine, you find shoes in your house with a size larger than 22 and they exaggerate all movements to the point of being excessive. You find deceitful buckets full of confetti hidden away and all the squirty cream has vanished from the fridge along with the paper plates.

What to do next

Set up a small tent in the garden and add a sign that says Big Top This Way. As they enter seal all the exits and give us a call, we will be around in minutes with a couple of cricket bats to sort it out in a humane way.

Thankyou for your patience, remember Born Free, Clown Free.

Be Alert!

Britain needs Lerts.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Don't Be A Clown, Hunt Them Down

Ho hi maties my name is Captain Birds Eye, you may remember me from my adverts on jaunty boats advertising fish shreds covered in a luminescent orange crispy coating, some may remember me from half moon shapes filled with meat and coated in a crispy sawdust but if you do you are clearly mental as they were Findus pancakes my hated rival.

During my many journeys on the high seas I occasionally ran out of water and had to drink my own urine, you get a taste for this after a while and on one such occasion we made land on a island uncharted on any map. Unfortunately we introduced the world to a horror when we bought back a specimen of the first ever captive clown who we caught trying to start a small car in a jungle clearing. He was having trouble when the horn sounded and the doors fell off, it was then we pounced using our biggest net to cope with his size 47 shoes.

As the world knows he escaped and after many years in the wild had created the colony's of clowns we know today. It is my sworn goal to eradicate this unfunny and creepy menace and unmask the wretched vagabonds. Here how you can help old uncle fish finger me old scollops.

Clowns can come in any shape or size but always have a coloured nose, this is the source of their power and must be removed at all costs. The best way to de-nose clowns is to create traps. Here's one I made earlier.

Using tree branches and old sticks set up your trap as shown above. Load it with a set of false glasses and nose and wait. When a clown approaches and reaches for the falsies pull away the stick and trap him in the sticks. His clown instincts will make him perform an unfunny 'help I'm trapped in sticks and leaves' routine that should last an excruciating amount of time, certainly long enough for you to approach and give him a good whack on the head.

If this fails to attract a clown then use the old smoke signal trick using an old blanket. Try to get the smoke signals to resemble clowny things such as bow ties, silly hats and buckets of water. Laughing hysterically at nothing will also draw out a clown from thick undergrowth, there's nothing worse for a clown than not being the centre of attention.

For clowns at a distance use a Clowntriangulator Pie launcher. Capable of slinging custard pies up to a distance of a mile it's easier to take a clown out at a distance with a well aimed pie. Don't use cream pies as they are something totally different altogether, so is mud pies, it was a bad night on the internet when I found that out I can tell you mateys.

Once you have flushed out your clown chase the wretched jester around and beat him with sticks until you dislodge his nose. Feel free to tread on his shoes and spin his bow tie to annoy him further. Who's laughing now Mr clown, eh? Who's laughing now? You looking at me?

Chase them away and pie them on the way out if necessary.

Once all the clowns in your area have been eradicated you may then celebrate with a nose burning party, start off your camp fire with the oversized shoes as kindle, any leftover bow ties and hats can also be used should you have difficulty.

Your clown should now retreat, the loss of his red nose will severely curtail his ability to clown around and you will be free from forced mirth for a while longer.

This has been a post on behalf of the Clown Eradication Society - Keeping Communities Clown Free Since 1876

Don't be a clown, hunt them down!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals