Shoo Me

Free shampoo, free notepad and pencil, free soap, all these pale into insignificance when you enter a hotel room and find a shoe mitt. Shoe mitts are the holy grail of hotel freebies, forget the emergency sewing kit, put aside the complimentary shower cap, shoe mitts are probably the most useful of all the non essential fluff you going to get.

For a start they clean shoes. I know that is obvious but they really are good at doing just that, you even get to slip your hand in the mitt so you can give them a good rub. They really come into their own though when you use them for jobs they were not designed for...

Got a smartphone or PDA? Yes? Shoe mitts make excellent screen cleaners and in some cases are large enough for you to slip your hardware inside to give you a free handy dust cover.

Don't want to lose jewellery in your suitcase? Pop your items in the shoe mitt pouch and not only will it keep them safe it will also buff them up a little too.

They make excellent finger dusters for those hard to reach places such as the top of door frames and awkward light fittings.

Cut a lemon in half, pop it inside the mitt and squeeze. et viola, instant lemon juice minus all the pips.

Got a cold? Use a shoe mitt as an emergency handkerchief, they are soft enough to soothe your nose and tough enough to take the punishment of a good sneeze.

They make excellent sleeping bags for mice and with the addition of a shoelace handle they can also transform into a makeshift shopping bag for cats.

In a culinary emergency assert your authority with the shoe mitts instant chefs hat. Ideal for that f*!?! Gordon Ramsey moment.

During Summer (in the UK I'm referring to the 3rd July, between 1:45pm and 2:12pm, other places may experience a different Summer) use the mitt to apply sun cream without getting your hands all sticky.

In Winter a pair of mitts make excellent mittens, double them up for extra warmth.

Got loads of shoe mitts? Wear them all at the same time to give you a free oven glove.

New potatoes can be safely carried in this miniature potato sack.

Staple one to your favourite armchair to give a pocket for your favourite remote control ensuring you never lose it again.

Attach one to your belt for a wallet scabbard. Bystanders will be amazed as you whip out your wallet just like a sword to pay for that mocha latte frappé double chocalotta large coffee with cream.

Save them for Halloween and hand them out filled with sweets to trick or treaters, after the contents have been scoffed the mitt will ensure they never have dirty shoes again, it's the gift that keeps on giving.

Shoe mitts make excellent shark repellents, I wear mine constantly at home and have never been bitten by a shark yet.

So the next time you are in a hotel room cherish the shoe mitt, save them, use them, you never know when you will need one.

DISCLAIMER - All shoe mitt suggestions should only be carried out by a shoe mitt expert grade one, purple belt. Amateur shoe mitt devotees should just stick to shoe mitt recommended duties for safety reasons. Shoe mitts are not designed to replace boats, edible items and/or people no matter how many eyes you draw on them. Shoe mitts come in various sizes, always choose your shoe mitt carefully to avoid disappointment. Never use shoe mitts to apply make-up or to feed lions. Never leave a shoe mitt unattended after midnight and never EVER feed them popcorn.

This blog has been sponsored by the Save-a-Mitt Foundation, your donation of £6152 a day could save a starving family of Shoe Mitts from a fate worse than buffing. For details of sponsoring a shoe mitt family call 08912-MITTSAVENOW-9861 and ready your credit card.

Clubbing

Wondering what to do on these long dark nights? Why not join a club, there's loads to choose from, here's some of the best in your area.

If like us you love a good blow then join us every Monday night at Fluffers the ONLY place where fellow fluff collectors can air out their fluff and dust collections in friendly surroundings. Newbies welcome, we have courses running to help you blow better dust from behind cabinets, tops of door frames and even from under the bed and every third Monday of the month we hold our Dust or Dirt? competition with prizes ranging from bendy straws to blow in awkward places to leaf blowers for suck-blow experts. Kids can also join our junior dust club and learn the joys of lint, hair and crumb collecting absolutely free.

Joining requirements - £1.23 per person, members must carry at least twenty pieces of fluff at all times and adhere to our rules regarding fluff and dust identification. See rule number 1526.25 pt 2 Volume 4 for fluff clarification and acceptable collection methods.

What could be better than sharing the long nights with a new companion EVERY month? One that will show you unconditional love, not talk back or argue and never HOG the bed. You need Pig-Post(Tm) in your life where for a small fee we will send you lovingly wrapped each month a brand new pigpanion. Simply fill in your pig partner preference and our computers will do the rest and find your perfect piggy-panion. Want a noisy eater? no problem, our Linconshire Old Spot will fit the bill, need a bit more muscle, again, no problem, we'll send you a Tamworth in no time. Any colour, any age Pig-Post puts pigs in packets to post with our unique sty to door delivery service. From runts with grunts to probing porkers we have it covered.

Join today and take our Perfect Pigpanion test, only £99 per month. N.B. pigs are non refundable, we will send you a new pig every month under plain wrapper, to avoid embarrassment Pig-Post will not show on your credit card statement and will instead be displayed as Porking4Pervs.co.uk

Does life drive you nuts, it does us at Bonkers we inflate daffodils and trump down chimneys to bring you the best in Bonkers services. We offer a completely off the wall range of pastimes to fend off boredom and mundanity of real life. Join us on our cushion hunts on Snowdonia using real bananas, ski down our Birds custard slope naked with sausages strapped to your feet or take advantage of our weekly special and receive a lifetimes supply of alarm clocks strapped to cats.

2nd November - Bungee jumping in the bath

3rd November - Scuba diving in public toilets

4th November - Elephant juggling

Unfortunately we have had to cancel further events detailing the popular Strain And Drop after Arthur Donkeypoker filled a French letter with water and dropped it from a height of 75 feet into the toilet bowl at his local pub in an attempt to impress a member of the public in the next cubicle that he had done a 'Giraffe'. As Arthur grunted and let go he also slipped and followed it down, the resulting double splasher rapport burst the eardrums of the cubicles occupant who staggered out, trousers around the ankles only to find Arthur upside down in the urinals.

Price - Ace, ten, jack, Queen, King.

Join us on our latest collecting expedition as we scramble to the top of bus shelters and disused garages to retrieve those precious 'lefties'; discarded shoes, which we clean, feed and rehome in our extensive network of shoe fosterers until their rightful owners come to claim them. Have you lost a shoe? If so visit wwww.wheresmyshoe.co.uk and browse our shoe files or use the online identification chart. Register a bus stop to see the list of shoes found or simply browse our collection of success stories. Coming soon, www.shoesreunited.co.uk, find old shoes from your childhood, school shoes and shoes that have moved abroad.

Not lost a shoe? Not to worry, we now offer a comb finding service too at www.combhunters.co.uk

Coming 2014 - wwww.loosechange.co.uk

Joining fee - £1.05 per shoe search, comb searches carry a 10p surcharge.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals