Chez Nomnom

Welcome to our world famous two michelin tyres restaurant complete with complimentary swearing chef, waiters that will do their upmost to look down their noses and spit in your stew and of course our world famous cuisine made from the finest ingredients and plenty of chemicals to make things froth and bubble. In other words posh microwave meals in small portions.

Menu

Starters

A raft of seafood set afloat a green sea awash with a delicately flavoured ju presented in a cylinder of glass (prawn cocktail in a pint pot) £7

Carefully sliced and shaped exotic fruit combined with thin hand carved succulent red meat. (Melon boat with ham) £8

Main

A multitude of fish shaped into oblong sculptures and coated in a golden dusting of crispness rolled in a spicy sauce and served between two lightly toasted squares accompanied by a delicate selection of pencil thin bites prepared in a futuristic fashion. (Fish finger sandwiches with brown sauce and micro chips) £13

Hand pressed slices of coated baked joy betwixt which lays an ordered layer of heat crisped salted potato oozing with a secret flavoured dressing. (Chip buttie with melted Lurpak) £14

Circular roundels of baked goodness decorated with a festival of colour adjoining a display of triangular nibbles prepared using our chefs latest methods. (Microwave pizza with potato wedges) £20

(V) You will love this. Oven crafted hollowed out ovals stuffed full with a mouthwatering selection of high energy giving foods coated in a rich tomato sauce poured delicately over the top at your table. (Baked potato with heinz baked beans poured over by the waiter) £40

Dessert

Soft sponge rolled in a thin layer of sweet fruit hiding a secret vanilla filling. (Arctic roll) £3.99

Protruding sweet half moons swimming in a lake of vanilla, comes with edible protective film. (Bananas and Birds custard allowed to skin over) £7

Snappable baked squares that come ready to decorate with a fine selection of squeezed triangles of spreadable comfort. (Kraft cheese triangles squeezed onto Jacobs crackers) £8 - £3 extra if you wish to squeeze your own.

Wine List

White £33 - Made from grapes

Red £6 - Pea pod burgundy for special occasions.

Blue Nun £60 - ideal for fish, red meat, chicken and children.

Noet champagne - our distinguished Blue Nun passed through a Soda Stream £299

Coffee and cats only 60p extra, ask for our cat cots if you have particularly troublesome cats. Children welcome as long as they stay outside and do not lean against the windows. No dogs, elephants, giraffes or marsupials. The proper attire must be worn at all times, smart trousers for gentlemen, no underwear for women. False noses are optional but definitely no clowns allowed, not since I watched Stephen King's IT. Anyway, it had a really crap ending didn't it? I mean, a giant spider, come on.

We are open when we are not closed during the week and closed when we are not open at the weekend. Coach parties welcome although we only have room to seat three coaches due to the amount of seats each coach takes up.

You must be this high to enter and be accompanied by an adult unless you are an adult in which case you must be accompanied by a goat wearing a duffel coat.

Please remain seated until the ride stops, I can't stop typing and it's degenerating into some kind of mental drivel, it's like being on a ride without brakes, only it's a really crappy ride and the straps are cutting into you, then you suddenly realise you are actually in a padded room and those ride attendants aren't really ride attendants and they are carrying needles not cuddly toys.

Ouch!

Zzzzzzzzzzz......

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Well I Never!

It's the return of 'Well I Never!' And this weeks question comes from Ms Twiddly Ramsbottom in Oxfordshire who wrote in asking what she can do with a box of Shredded Wheat found at the back of the kitchen cupboard as she has no idea where it came from or indeed what to do with them.

Well Ms Twiddly, fear not, for today we have twenty things to do with surplus Shredded Wheat. You ask, we answer!

1. Replace all the tiles on the roof of your house with shredded wheat for an instant thatched cottage look.

2. Due to their rough texture they make ideal pan scrubbers for baked on food.

3. Two tied around your shins provide protection when playing sport. Pop one down he front of your trousers for extra protection.

4. Or put one in your swimming gear when taking a dip to impress.

5. Nearly forgot, make sure it's in the front of your swimming gear and NOT the back.

6. Don't follow number 4 if you wear a bikini.

7. Strap one to each of a cats paws for a makeshift buoyant set of shoes that allows cats to walk on water.

8. Mini Shreddies attached to wire make attractive earrings and you will always have a snack to hand if you feel peckish.

9. Paint your shereddies green, yellow, blue and red to give yourself an instant set of Sticklebricks. If they fail to stickle dip them in milk first.

10. Place a Shreddie in a bowl cover with orange juice and leave for twenty four hours. Return to your Shreddie now that it has soaked up all the juice and stick a fork in the narrow end making sure it penetrates the Shreddie at least half way. Place your Shreddie fork combo in a freezer and wait for a warm day. Simply remove from the freezer, hold the fork and munch away on a refreshing cooling orange lolly with plenty of roughage. If you drop your Shreddie use the handy included fork to eat it off the floor with no mess.

11. A Shreddie placed in the back of your pants will avoid embarassing flatulance problems by absorbing any smells and muffling any noises. Remember to replace every twenty four hours due to shedding.

12. Crumble six shereddies into a tray to create instant pet litter. Once soiled pour in milk and leave five minutes until it turns into a solid lump that can easily be lifted out and disposed of.

13. Using glue stick one to each heel of your shoes to turn them into Cuban heels and look fashionable.

14. Ladies are your eyebrows too thin? Using two mini shreddies covered in black mascara attach them using nail glue to where your eyebrows should be. Now you will be able to flutter your eyebrows along with your lashes when you do a duck face.

15. Paint a Shreddie white or black and stick a piece of foil to one side. Hold it in one hand and tap it with your other, occasionally swipe your Shreddie to give the impression you have a smart phone or iShred. Hollow out your Shreddie and pop your old phone inside to give a more realistic effect especially when you receive a call.

16. Having trouble shredding your Shreddie? Turn any bike upside down and spin the wheels. Thrust your Shreddie into the spokes as it rotates and voila! You will be amazed, bike wheels make fantastic Shreddie shredding shredders.

17. Own a kindle but want to impress friends with your extensive library? Take a box of shreddies and paint them booky colours like dark reds and greens. Using a gold felt tip write amusing and serious titles on the side and arrange in an empty shoebox.

18. Make a joke 'floater' by covering one in chocolate and leaving it in an unflushed toilet.

19. Use shreddies instead of expensive briquettes for your barbecues.

20. Write a blog about using shreddies in unusual circumstances to avoid painting for as long as you can until you get to number twenty and realise its time to start work.

21. Carry on typing hoping it may go away.

22. Realise that you are delaying the inevitable.

23. Cry.

24. Look out of the window.

25. Make a coffee.

26. Look at painting and panic.

27. Realise you need to finish the blog entry otherwise you will never paint and become destitute finally selling your body for shillings on the town hall steps.

28. Like last Friday when I made fifty pence.

29. Maybe I should have charged a little more.

30. Especially when it included feathers and a donkey.

31. Ahh, just thought of another one.

32. No I haven't, Shreddie based staircases are not funny.

You are sure to find something in there Ms Twiddly, good luck with your Shreddies and don't forget to send us all your Shreddie related pictures.

Goodbye from 'Well I Never!', don't forget to read our companion blog 'Bugger Me!' A week on Tuesday where we will be telling you how to make a fairground ride from surgical trusses.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals