Egg Wallace

Welcome to Mastercheffy the Professional Amateurs, my name is Egg Wallace and we will be taking our chefs through two gruelling rounds to test their cooking skills to the limits. Helping me to judge this years contestants is Michel RouxellettecheffyIhavetwostarssoupyours, Jr's feared Sous Chef, Harmonica Jellybaby. What skill challenge do we have for them today Harmonica?

It's this Egg, one of the chefs most feared ingredients and arguably one of the most difficult to prepare. A banana, which I want them to deconstruct and come up with their own signature dish. It must be prepared to exacting standards, I remember throwing a young chef out of the kitchen for peeling it from the wrong end. In fact Michel once beat me senseless and shut me in the walk in freezer for two days after I failed to peel it with four equal strips.

Here it is fully prepared and presented to Michelin star standard. Wow, that was amazing Harmonica, I never knew you could peel a banana like that using just your teeth and thighs, can I eat it now? Nom,nom,nom...

Well, what a sorry bunch, I'm not impressed with the first contestants Harmonica, are you? No Egg, they were awful, I don't think I have ever seen a banana peeled using just your buttocks since I went to Chester Zoo and passed out after witnessing a Orangutang using this method to prepare a fruit salad.

Lets swiftly move on to the next challenge and let them show us what they are really made of.

Well, for a first dish Harmonica they have really pulled out the stops with this deconstructed pork main with a side rasher and dipping sauce. The way they have cooked the bacon in dripping, toasted one side of the bread and added that colourful splash of HP Brown sauce tells me that we are dealing with a true professional, that is a Michelin star meal if I ever saw one Harmonica. I'm impressed. Can I eat it now? nom, nom, nom...

Just shocking Harmonica, we asked them to prepare your signature dish and we get hand dived scallops on a black pudding and pea mash presented horribly on a posh plate. Everything is just too clean and it's trying to be something it isn't, it's a cooking competition not an art competition. I agree with you Egg, it's a far cry from my bosses signature dish of pie and mash, serve this in a Michelin star restaurant and I guarantee you would get complaints. When you are paying a lot of money for a dish you expect only the best ingredients, this should have been a fried battery farm egg on a hash brown, skilfully balanced on tinned baked beans. Not this rubbish, it's awful, take it away.

I quite like this Egg, the chef has obviously got good knife skills to cut a segment out of that apple so cleanly and the way the cheese is balanced shows an eye for detail. I'm going to have to disagree with you Harmonica, the cheese should have been Red Leicester and not that French stuff, it clashes on your palete, I don't know, I want to like it but that cheese is stopping me.

It's been a long time Harmonica since I have seen a chef have the courage to use tinned hotdogs, the careful balance of sinew and gristle in that meal sandwiched betwix a split cob makes my mouth water just looking at it. I Know Egg, I can't wait to get that sausage in my mouth. I know the feeling Harmonica...

Egg! Egg! Are you OK?

Unfortunately we have to leave today's episode after a dish placed in front of Egg consisted of sixteen scoops of ice cream, meringue swirls, chocolate flakes, two full squirts of canned cream and a cherry caused Egg to go into spasms of delight at the first spoonful. Just before Egg collapsed he was heard to shout 'Oh my god Harmonica!' as he went in for a second spoonful.

 

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