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BREAKING NEWS

Police have finally called off the search for Jack The Ripper after it was revealed he would now be over 130 years old. Responsible for several murders police were alerted to the possibility that they may never find him when a member of the public pointed out that we are no longer in the 19th Century and the last murder occurred 124 years ago. The 'Jack' team, dubbed Jack Officers was disbanded on Monday when 1,273 officers returned to their post still convinced that he is out there somewhere.

Should you have any information regarding the location of Jack then contact Whitechapel Constabulary by telegram immediately.

Newsfright presenter Baron Von Paxman has lashed out at the BBC accusing it of ageism after being sacked from his role in the latest shake up. Paxman believes he has been asked to leave the show because they no longer want to employ mature presenters and prefer a fresh look to attract a younger viewer. Paxman recently celebrated his 863 birthday and only found out that he had been ousted when he read the gossip column in the Daily Bat.

The government has revealed plans to introduce a new tax on cushions. Called the 'You're too comfy' tax the prime minister Dave Cameroon pictured above said 'For too long people of this country have been too comfy, I plan to make life more uncomfortable for the majority and raise funds. This extra money will then be spent on important things like expenses and other things.' A leaked report states that households with more than two cushions will have to pay a further 10% in income tax per extra cushion. Since this new stealth tax was revealed cushion burning protests have been witnessed in major cities.

'I will bleed you dry' was the stern warning from deputy prime minister Nick Biteyourneck as measures were announced to raise fuel duty by a massive 99p per egg cup full. 'These measures are necessary to save the planet and ensure that our children have a future. They categorically have nothing to do with inefficiency or the wasting of public funds on police elections or the £26 billion we have thrown away on computer blunders'. Plans we also announced to turn off all street lights from 5pm to 7am because its believed that a total blackout will be safer as people can't see anything to be naughty with.

In entertainment news Skyvamp, the latest in the Bite franchise has hit an all time high after raking in a staggering £2.56 with its opening event in Hull. Cinema goers at the Bingo Hall said it had been a fantastic experience describing the film as 'stunning' although several other viewers subsequently changed that to 'stunned'. Others were upset though even with the films soaring reputation. Mrs Ida Broomhandle told us that she was disappointed that Malcolm had been asked to cancel his Bingo calling after it interfered with the showing. 'He was rate sad was our Malcolm, callin' is his life and he lives for two fat ducks.' she added.

Skyvamp opens this weekend in Urmston's Pigeon Club with events planned throughout the UK's village halls network in conjunction with the Old 8mm Restoration Cinema Projectionist Association providing the reels don't break.

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