New And Improved!

'Fill this in and sit over there' the Gruffalo eventually said after pointedly ignoring us for a few minutes whilst she talked about someone called John and an episode with a boiled sweet. I started to fill the first form in but was rudely interrupted by the Gruffalo asking me if I was deaf. 's'cuse me? You said fill it in and sit over there so that is what I'm doing'. 'You do it OVER THERE.', by now she had filed me under difficult and annoying not to mention simple and possibly hard of hearing. 'Over where exactly?' I asked, unsure as there was quite a bit of over there to choose from. 'Over there.', she indicated by flicking her hand in the general direction of the rest of the world and giving me a look that you would normally receive if you had taken a dump in someones handbag.

It's going to be one of those days I thought as I clutched my questionnaire, patient sheet and medical history form and took a seat in the dentists with a bewildering amount of paperwork to fill in. I compared forms with Jayne, we both had different ones. We sighed, we had filled in these forms over and over again each time we visit and each time they get bigger and bigger.

Here we go, title, surname, first name, e-mail, occupation, hang on, occupation? It's not a bloody job interview so I wrote astronaut. NHS number, what the hell is an NHS number? Underneath it said to find your NHS number click on this link. Nice if you can do it but I tend to find links printed on paper do not take you to websites easily when pressed. I pressed a few times to see if we were indeed in the year 2153 and was almost at the point of returning my form as faulty when Jayne stopped me, we were both laughing and Gruffalo looked like she didn't like laughing. In fact she tried it once in 1978 whilst watching an episode of the Goodies but quickly realised that fun in any form should not be allowed so her face had been a permanent downturned mouth since.

Sex, yes please! It always gets me and I'm sure they always find it amusing when people answer it that way, what's next? DoB, well I don't own a DoB so I left this one and moved on. Address, telephone, mobile, email, inside leg... It went on and on... When did you last visit the dentist? Oh, I don't know, you tell me. Oh, sorry, you have only been my dentist for the last ten years so how can I expect YOU to remember, silly me.

Next of Kin, wha! Since when has a checkup been life threatening? What are you planning to introduce torture check ups? Or marathon drill sessions to test my stamina? Oh, here we go, the meaty stuff, Are You Currently... Taking suppositories!? Wonder what triggered that question, I'd love to know the background to that story. Do You Suffer From Any Infectious Diseases? Suffer Indegestion? Allergic to Rubber? Did You As A Child Or Since, Have Growth Hormone Treatment In The Mid Eighties? Have Brain Surgery? These are are all true questions obviously designed to help insurance companies screw more money out of us at some future time when they can point out on your death bed that in 2012 you said yes to the question 'Have You Ever Eaten A Hotdog', our policy clearly states that you should never eat hotdogs or your life insurance is null and void, goodbye Mr Smith.

Then we get to the good bit, the filthy habits. Units Of Alcohol Per Day/Week/Month and of course Have You EVER Smoked In Your Life? I did of course get carpet burns one night, does that count? it was pretty smokin' but really I can't remember as I had just finished my usual tipple of two bottles of JD a day.

Last but not least come the off the wall ones no doubt tailored to get more business. Are You Satisfied With Your Teeth? Do You Wish Your Teeth Was Shaped Differently? As a matter of fact I do, if you could carve them so when I bite people it leaves my name imprinted on them that would be great and whilst we are at it I always fancied my back teeth to be made into hexagons and little crosses so I can unscrew things without resorting to an alan key and screwdriver, a sort of Swiss army mouth.

Do You Wish Your Breath Was Fresher? It depends what I have been licking I wrote, If You Could Alter Your Mouth What Would You Most Likely Change? The face and body surrounding it probably. Finally, the last question... Is There Anything That Frightened You In The Past Which You Are Anxious About Now? Well, when I was young I was biten by a small dog in a tartan coat so when I pass kilt shops or tins of shortbread I go into meltdown.

Really, what a load of tosh, I know that records are needed to maintain standards and safety but seventy, yes seventy questions is a little over the top. We were sent upstairs to sit an wait, at least that's what the Gruffalo told us to do, but she smirked as she said it which ment only one thing, there was no chairs. Revenge was her only aim and we both stood at the top of the stairs in a confined corridor barely two feet from three seated individuals. Five people in a red hot waiting area six feet square, I could smell feet too.

Anyway, not to bore you further we had our checkup and got poked around the mouth for sixty seconds then returned to the Gruffalo to cough up the thirty five quid and stepped out of the door to walk into Mansfield.

If you ever fancy going back in time when visiting Mansfield then Sally Twinkles is the place to be, a delightful shop full of buttons, ribbon, cloth of assorted variety and old fashioned display cabinets, not much has change from when I used to visit this as a child, even the staff remain remarkably endearing and batty in equal measures. There's not many places you can find three sizes of silver bells for Jaynes Foreverbunnies, or indeed a ribbon counter run by a ribbon obsessed assistant who loves ribbon order according to colour tone and texture. It was a bit of a oasis today for as soon as we left the madness returned.

'That will be £8.20 please.' Our cheerful assistant replied from behind the health food counter. Jayne pulled out a ten pound note and asked quite innocently 'Would you like the 20p to save your change?' Which of course is Jayne actually saying don't give me £1.80 of change to slush around my purse. I don't think we would have had an any worse reaction if we had said devide 534 by 73 then add your shoe size and age to the result before multiplying it by 9 and adding Pi to seventeen decimal places. We watched in amazement as she stopped, I mean really stopped as if somebody had pulled a plug on her and her eyes rolled up to the ceiling as if she was watching a balloon floating away. I swear if the store was quiet we would hear the sound of a marble rolling around an empty glass bowl before finally plopping into place. 'Err, I don't do mafs'. Walking away Jayne muttered 'Do I look like I work in a bloody arcade?' as she struggled to get the £1.80p in 10 pence pieces stuffed in her purse.

On to the next one, I needed an extra box of contact lenses, a simple matter, I return to the opticians, ask for a box and pay my money. Oh no you don't, not today, for today the world has been collectively hit by a stupid stick.

'Do you have any of these please? I need an extra box.'

'I'll just check' our assistant bounced over to a cabinet and pulled out a box. 'Here you are, name please?'

'And address?'

'Telephone number?'

'Have you or do you suffer from dizziness, headaches or impaired vision?'

'Do you plan on wearing these lenses for concerts, driving, ski...'

'Hang on young lady, I have come in here to buy an extra box to top up my stock that you deliver every three months and have done for the last four years not take a medical, I think by now I have got the hang of these contact lense things, here I'll take one out of my ear to show you. You mean they should go in my eyes? You don't say, we'll there's where I have been going wrong, it probably explains why I keep answering the iron and phoning people with a banana.'

'Oomp, I'll check'

I have been in here a million times I thought, every time it's a new assistant and they have to 'check'.

'Ah, you're back, any news on the can I have them front?'

'I'm afraid I cannot sell them to you.'

'Why? You have just sent me two packs through the post last week why can't I have a pack to top them up?'

'You need an eye test first.'

'Wha! Sorry? I could have sworn you said I need an eye test, funny thing is you said the same thing when I came in for my eye test last week, you know, the one where they render you nearly blind blowing air into your eyes then ask you to read small lettering fifty feet away that spells the word P E N I S'

'Oomp, I'll check'

'Too right!' I said indignantly marking me out as a bit of trouble no doubt.

'No, you need an eye test first' she said upon here return.

'But I have had an eye test, look on your computer, it was only last week, you served me!'

'Sorry, you have had an eye examination not an eye test'

'What's the difference?'

'On an eye test they use the charts to determine if you need a different prescription'

'But I did that!'

'Yes, it's part of the eye examination.'

'So what's the difference?'

'You didn't pay for that its part of your contact lens contract, you need to pay for an eye test before you can have the lenses.'

'You're plucking joking! (use your imagination), I need to pay you to have the same test under a different name to top up lenses that you sent me last week that were only sent because you sent me a letter telling me I needed an eye examination before you would send me lenses which I did. What, is this some kind of initiative test? What do I need to get my next boxes? teach a dog to dance? or maybe learn to walk on stilts?'

There followed a lengthy to and fro with various assistants until finally a senior optician 'allowed' me to take them.

'That will be £16.95 please!'

'Wha! no, that's more than what I pay each month for a box'

'Thats what it says here, do you want me to check?

'Of course I want you to check, I had made sure I took a half days holiday so I could fanny around in the opticians, be my guest, check away!'

She returned with a burly assistant that reminded me of the Gruffalo, 'I have met your sister today.' I said.

'Pardon? You said this was too expensive?'

'Wha! no, I said it's more expensive than my boxes I pay for each month by direct debit and wondered why it is more expensive.'

'The price reflects the convenience.'

I really don't believe I'm hearing this, 'So let me get this right, I drive into town, come into the store ask for a box, get questioned for six hours, save you postage and I'm willing to give you money for them and you are charging me because you conveniently have them available for me to buy?'

'Yes, if we didn't stock them we would have to order them and that is an inconvenience to us, so we have them in for your convenience.'

Conveniently or inconveniently depending on how you look at these things I didn't have a shovel with which to beat the entire staff with. It took another five minutes of gentle persuasion before I finally got them at the not so convenient normal price. It makes me wonder where will it all stop, will they start charging entry fees to supermarkets because they are convenient? Convenient is the new buzz word along with 'for your benefit' which never is and the 'I'm going to disguise the fact that this product is inferior' by adding the words new and improved to the front.

So for your convenience I am levying a charge on today's blog, obviously if it's here for you to read its convenient, if I don't post it somehow it will inconvenience me in ways I haven't though of yet so please leave your donation in the hat provided and fill out this short questionnaire.

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