Indiana Groans here, my rugged good looks is a hit with women, today I will let you into my secret, the secret that is the Mystical Corrupting Ruggedtash, a Green Tash Of Ruggedness and boyish good looks.
I was busy exploring the sacred Inca temple of Moustachazuma, a temple built to worship all things hairy, when I inadvertently triggered a trap and I was sent tumbling down a stubble slipway and into a pile of discarded trimmings. The fall was not intended to injure, I had found a secret entrance to the heart of the temple and was about to discover the greatest artefact I had ever found, the fabled Corrupting Ruggedtash. Whispered in conversations and written about in ancient texts it was a mystical item that granted the wearer rugged good looks. Being the explorer I am it was obvious I didn't need it but it needed to be safeguarded and put in a large crate to be forgotten along with that pesky ark thingy I found a few years ago. Nothing but bloody trouble was that, glad to see the back of it, just don't get me started about those cheap crystal skulls and that crap gimmicky cup I found next to that OAP knight.
So here I am about to see for the very first time the Ruggedtash, even I was amazed at what I found and believe me it takes a lot to impress me girls, even though you are impressed with my boyish rugged looks.
Behold, it even had its own inscribed case warning the holder of the potency of wearing this babe magnet. Waterproof too. It started to shake as my hand approached it, I assumed it couldn't cope with my awesomeness and sexy body. Suddenly it jumped up and attached itself to my face. I felt ruggedlicious.
Look how rugged it makes me, wow, I'd go for me. Hold on world I'm about to explode with so much manly ruggedness that there will be a babepocalypse.
See how it moves and transforms according to what I am thinking. This is the plumber come to fix your pipes if you know what I mean ladies, want to see my spanner? You know you do.
How can you resist the power of my ruggedness with these handlebars. Something to grip on to as you start to feel faint eh, ladies? Man I feel good, by the power of the tash I AM the original he-man.
Handsome overload, can you take any more girls? Magnum P.I. Tash and a mono brow, there is just too much of me and too little of you, I need to start a religion. Come worship Indiana, clothing optional, women only.
It doesn't get any more rugged than this, look into my eyes, I am what you are looking for, I am what everyone is looking for, a tash, tan and a fantastic body, you are powerless to resist, I even have a whip. I rule the world, you can't get better than me, I'm superman, I'm supermodel, I'm a god! All worship Indiana Groans!
Vader, I want that corrupting tash, forget that oversized planet you are building to take revenge on that princess, get it for me. Use your force powers to seize it from his grasping hands.
Tssshhhh Kaaaah, So be it, Tssshhh Kaaaah, Tssshhh Kaaaah...
I assume you dealt with Indiana Vader?
Tssshhhh Kaaaah, I dropped him off on the planet of the Wookies and stripped him of his tash and name, he is now called Han, a local name meaning freebooter of little or no value. We will not see him again. Tssshhhh Kaaaah, Tssshhhh Kaaaah.
Good. On with pursuing the princess using far superior technology, millions more troops and better weapons, what could possibly go wrong. Did you fix the smell in the lavatory block Vader?
Tssshhhh Kaaaah, it is fixed. I had them install an air conditioning port the size of a small proton missile, it may weaken the Death Star a little but nobody is going to notice that we have placed it at the end of a handy trench to make sure the smells escape. Tssshhhh Kaaaah.
Good. Do I look good Vader? Go on, you know I do. Damn, I feel rugged.
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