Maudlin Maude here dear, I love to knit and hum at the same time but recently I have taken to wearing a mask and hanging around on towpaths with my blunderbuss, occasionally holding up passers by. It worried me so much that I decided to give myself a test and yes I was a modern day highwayman. How many others have this undiagnosed condition I wondered so to help you diagnose your condition I have created this handy test.
Question One
You are on a bus full of passengers going to Clackton halfway through your journey you...
A) Start your packed lunch of egg sandwiches and offer your companion a bite.
B) Finish off that nice little knitted cardigan
C) Tie a handkerchief around your face and pull out a flintlock pistol shouting 'Stand Sirs and throw us that you have about'ye' before kissing a pretty lady and leaping out of the back of bus fire door and onto your horse 'Black Bessie'
Question Two
What is it?
B) A handy ornate vase for some nice flowers.
C) It's a six inch coat pocket flintlock pistol with smooth bore. Equipped with hook to slip over a belt the craftsmanship on the internal doglock mechanism is second to none and was manufactured by Smithturner Esq in 1702. The dry powder chamber is prone to dampness and should be cleaned regularly.
Question Three
You are going to a party and are stuck for what to wear, do you...
A) Pop down to M&S and buy something nice that you have had your eye on and some comfortable underwear while you are at it.
B) Look through your wardrobe and pull out three items, after much deliberation you choose the appropriate one for a party.
C) Wrap a large cloak around you, wear a tricorn hat and leather boots and arrive at the party by crashing through the window. You stride down the buffet table kicking aside all the food whilst brandishing your newly acquired silver handled coach pistol before stealing all you can carry.
Question Four
You are late for work and have missed the bus, do you...
A) Phone work and apologise telling them you will make the time up.
B) Phone work and apologise, order a taxi and make the time up.
C) Saddle up Bessie, put on your best spurs and shout 'Out of the way varlets!' as you ride like the wind and gallop into the car park. Kick open the office door and shoot out the lights with your newly acquired multi shot flintlock pistol before crashing through your bosses window and pistol whipping him into submission. You then proceed to rob the petty cash.
Question Five
You are in a lift with three other people going up ten floors, do you...
A) Politely ignore eye contact and look at your shoes.
B) Hum to yourself and look at a middle distance to avoid eye contact.
C) Leave them naked and hogtied whilst you make off with their valuables by jumping out of the tenth story window onto your horse below.
How Did You Do?
Mostly A's - I'm sorry you appear to be normal, don't worry though, buy yourself a mask and practice on your neighbours, one day you may be a highwayman.
Mostly B's - I'm sorry you appear to be middle age, don't worry though, buy yourself a mask and a horse. Practice crashing through your neighbours windows.
Mostly C's - You are an undiagnosed Highwayman, congratulations, now go out and rob somebody.
www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals
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