To make matters worse as I got the sled out on Christmas Eve I discovered I had a 'flat' when one of the reindeers had decided to party hard the night before and was found upside down in a pile of tinsel singing a rude version of Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer. Rudolph was not amused and refused to come out of his dressing room until I pleaded with him and only then would he come out if he could wear his new bling antlers. Bloody primadonna, not content with leading the sleigh he also has a song written about him when all I get is 'Here comes Santa Claus' and have to dress up in a stupid red costume and laugh ridiculously with a Ho,Ho,Ho. Really, who laughs with a Ho,Ho,Ho? Do you know how difficult that is? Even Blitzen, a normally reliable reindeer got off his trolley when he heard the news that Rudolph, yet again, was to lead the sleigh at night and he had to stare at his smarmy backside for the next twenty two million miles.
In these times I have to be very cautious, I mean if I had to describe what I did for a living how would I get over the fact that I sneak into children's bedrooms at the dead of night unbeknownst to their parents and leave them a present from a stranger. I have had to give up smoking a cigar too, you can never be too careful.
At least I have a day off today before I get those bloomin pesky elves to start on next years presents. The things I have to endure, elf benefits, pixie bonuses, the endless squeaky voices and banging of hammers as they assemble the toys. Did you know it costs me more and more each year to insure them against injury? Only last week did I have a claim when an elf injured itself after falling off a rocking horse which it was stupidly using to reach a box of teddy bear ears, I ask you, elves are so stupid, it's no wonder they have so many accidents, have you seen the state of their footwear? Highly inappropriate but when I suggest steel toe caps they go on strike because they are not curly enough at the end.
So I think today I will sit in front of the television and soak my feet, the reindeers are absolutely knackered running all that way in the air and the sled needs new runners after a crash landing that took out three chimney stacks when Rudolph was distracted and decided to show off when we flew over the house of his idol Champion The Wonder Horse. It didn't help that I was absolutely smashed too, I really don't know how I got back home, the last thing I remember is Grimsby and falling into a Christmas tree.
Enjoy your break you lucky people, I'm off to bash a few elves and sort out your Christmas for next year, why oh why can't you all just be naughty for a change, it would make my life so much easier. Maybe you would like to buy me a present, I have just the thing. In fact I have made a list, I only want two things that would give me a quiet life...
Santas Christmas List
1. Sod
2. Off
www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals
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