Let's Go Birding

Have trouble identifying our common garden birds? Then guess no more with our cut out and keep handy guide to birds 'Birding' the companion guide to a similar sounding publication for dogs.

The Wheelsparrow

Immediately recognisable with its eight spoke all terrain twin wheels it can be often found trundling around the garden helping other birds move pots and large amounts of soil. It's wings can be extended to provide temporary handles and / or garden tool holders.

The Robbin

Thieving little birds that will peck a circular entry point through any window and bypass security systems with their miniature size to steal and thieve any shiny objects. A team of Robbins were used to drill the five foot tunnel used in the bank holiday robbery at Hatton Gardens a few weeks ago. Witnesses describe birds still flying around at the scene many days after, pigeons were used as lookouts. Probably.

The Cookoo

If you smell a barbecue or the whiff of bacon then it probably means you have a Cookoo in the garden. They like nothing more than a quick fry up when they land. Unfortunately Cookoo's are notoriously bossy and unpredictable and treat every garden as their personal kitchen often tweet swearing and throwing around garden ornaments. Listen out for their distinctive call of 'getoutofmykitchenyoucantcookandyouarenotainsleyharriotyoumasterchefwannabe'

The Bearded Tit

Unfortunately these are becoming more common on our streets, often opinionated and self centred they will make sure any birds in the area know exactly who they are. Secretly they are very insecure but will quite happily bore any passing bird to death by reciting the full history of a favoured subject such as the history of all the meals served in the Star Trek films often spoken in Elvish. If you see one flying it's not actually flying, it's using Jedi levitation.

Great Tit

With a penchant to destroy washing lines and television aerials this oversized bird has all the hallmarks of the Bearded Tit but hides it all behind a jolly outward appearance and the ability to bounce upon landing. Often dresses in disguises to blend in or assumes being obnoxious will win friends. Other birds stay well away and learn to keep wings and legs away from a Great Tit when they are eating as they consume anything not nailed down. See Posh Pigeon for more details.

The Kingfisher

Perennial bore that likes to spend large amounts of time dipping a piece of string in the water to tempt passing fish only then to attack them with a large wooden truncheon. Often they will be found sat at the edge of a garden pond discussing the virtues of a large fumble wool fly as opposed to a neon coated triple solar bob flytrap with other Kingfishers. Smells of fish.

Duckface

If you see a quick flash of light coming from your garden then I'm afraid you have a Duckface one of the most socially unaware birds to visit our gardens today. Constantly needs approval from other birds and will pester them for approval, often spouting random tweets for attention. The strange appearance of this bird has led to an explosion of 'Duckface' copycats on the Internet, most of them more hideous than the real plumped lipped bird we know and love today. See also Selfridge the Self Aware Partridge.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

The Secret Diary Of A Pigeon

Monday

Felt bored, walked around Mr Smiths roof and kicked a couple of slates, he had shooed me away earlier and I was out for revenge. Sat on his aerial and had a poop, a big poop that made a satisfactory splat sound as it hit the slabs below. Felt pleased. Flew home and had trouble getting in the large conifer where I had built my home, must stop eating fattening things.

Tuesday

Found some chips. Accidentally dropped chip on Mr Smiths garden furniture causing him to shout. Couldn't have done better if I tried, may try to irate him more later by fighting with Cyril on the top of his conservatory. Bad landing tonight, crashed into conifer and panicked, noise attracted Mr Smith who shouted abuse at me. I think he may be an intolerant neighbour.

Wednesday

Up nice an early and made my way to a big open window where I sat on the roof above and cooed my heart out. Didn't know it was Mr Smiths bedroom window until he lent out, threw a shoe at me and shouted the time. Flew to aerial and had a poop. Felt good.

Thursday

It wasn't my fault I didn't see Mr Smith until the last minute, I was distracted. The bird bath was too full anyway and I'm sure a bit of water didn't hurt him. I flailed around a little and was maybe a tad over dramatic, after all he was in splashing distance, before flying away and crashing into the conifer. Must stop eating fatty things, I'm getting quite podgy.

Friday

Sat pecking at jam sandwich minding my own business when out of nowhere comes Mr Smith shouting and flapping for no reason whatsoever. Of course dear diary I flew away bemused by the whole thing, after all jam will wash out of cream garden furniture cushions I'm sure. He does show off sometimes. Flew to aerial and had two poops. Result! Must have been the jam.

Saturday

Got completely smashed eating some fresh vegetables from Mr Smiths garden, spent the next few hours flapping from roof to roof singing and fighting with Cyril. Mr Smith got very angry. Every time I tried to approach him to explain I was happy he just shouted and flapped his arms. He will never fly, he's too fat lol. Cyril said we must do more to annoy him, I think Cyril may be right.

Sunday

Oh my god, Cyril has done an amazing thing. He flew into Mr Smiths house! Straight through the double doors he went, did a couple of circles and flew back out. Cyril said it was the best thing he had ever done although he couldn't control his bladder whilst he was in there. Mr Smith was not happy, it took him the rest of the day to clean the conservatory. Cyril smiled all day, what an adventure! Decided to have my afternoon poop over the back door for a change, it makes a lovely different sploshing sound as it hits the decking instead of slabbing.

Monday

A new week, I feel a bit ill, I think I ate a dodgy kebab last night and my guts are really off. Mr Smith is out in the garden, I might try and fly to him to try and apologise for Cyril's behaviour although Mr Smith is quite stupid and dosen't understand what I'm saying. On second thoughts I'll just go and let all this out over his newly cleaned car, I'll keep you posted dear diary...

Tuesday

OMG he went mental! I was like hahahaha he was like WTF, Cyril laughed so much he pooped a tank full. He nearly covered two square feet in one go. Mr Smith didn't find that funny either and started to jump up and down in a rage, I fear he may be one of those attention seekers. We are going to try and fly as close to him as we can later, should be fun!

TBC

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals