The Secret Diary Of A Wood Pigeon Pt 3

Saturday

Couldn't find Mr Smith in the garden where he usually stands to shout at me so decided to slide down the conservatory roof. It's so slippy I had trouble controlling myself and flapped around a bit until I got my footing. Cyril, the silly oaf decided to glide in missing his footing completely and sending me spinning down the sloped roof. Fortunately I managed to stop by flapping and kicking that black thing stuck on the end of the gutter. I don't know what it is but when I looked in it I could see another me looking back. I dunno, I kicked it again and pecked it for good measure.

Sunday

Feel good. I pooped so hard off the aerial that Cyril heard the splat and he was four trees away! Hahaha! Mr Smith was back and in a rage, this time he shouted out of the window and pointed at my poop, I don't know why he is always angry with me, I'm sure he poops too but I don't shout and point at it. He then went on to shout something about kicking a security camera on the conservatory whatever one of those is. I'm sure he's going mental, it must be something to do with that brush thing he carries around with him.

Spent the afternoon convincing the magpie to shout loudly from Mr Smiths back garden. Every ten shouts that Fred did Mr Smith stepped out of his small shed covered in paint and flapped his arms about, it was soooo funny, I even chucked a couple of shouts in myself.

Monday

Went to inspect the camera thingy on the conservatory roof. Don't know what it does but when I sat on it the thing snapped! I flapped a bit at that I can tell you, I flapped even more when Mr Smith burst out of the door below and threw his slipper at me. He really has bad taste in foot wear, nobody has blue slippers anymore. Spent the rest of the day watching Mr Smith up a ladder doing something with the camera thing whilst cursing under his breath and pointing the screwdriver at me. Don't know what he thinks I can do with a screwdriver, secretly I think he has a screw loose, maybe he should use the screwdriver on himself. Haha!

Tuesday

Me and Cyril had a fight. It was his fault, he had been in my favourite tree and picked off all the berries. I was saving them for later the fat git. Unfortunately we decided to fight near the bedroom window of Mr Smith, Cyril managed to fly face first into it as he tried to get away leaving a big dusty imprint of his face and wings and a raging Mr Smith bouncing around inside. I could see Mr Smith was half dressed and still wearing those hideous slippers, how naff.

Wednesday

Had a little dance on the roof tiles, nothing special but I thought that a quick boogie would be a nice treat for Mr Smith, I'm sure he would enjoy it. It went tip-tap-tippety-taptap-tap, I then got the magpie to join in along with the crows. Unfortunately the magpie didn't like the crow much and they started to sqawk and fight, they got that excited that poop flew everywhere and I mean everywhere. Spent the afternoon watching Mr Smith washing his car, poop really does stick doesn't it? It took him nearly two hours. Decided to be really mean, I waited until he had turned away and did a fly by poop right on the bonnet. OMG he went mental! Hahaha! Mr Smith is SO funny!

TBC

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

The Secret Diary Of A Pigeon

Monday

Felt bored, walked around Mr Smiths roof and kicked a couple of slates, he had shooed me away earlier and I was out for revenge. Sat on his aerial and had a poop, a big poop that made a satisfactory splat sound as it hit the slabs below. Felt pleased. Flew home and had trouble getting in the large conifer where I had built my home, must stop eating fattening things.

Tuesday

Found some chips. Accidentally dropped chip on Mr Smiths garden furniture causing him to shout. Couldn't have done better if I tried, may try to irate him more later by fighting with Cyril on the top of his conservatory. Bad landing tonight, crashed into conifer and panicked, noise attracted Mr Smith who shouted abuse at me. I think he may be an intolerant neighbour.

Wednesday

Up nice an early and made my way to a big open window where I sat on the roof above and cooed my heart out. Didn't know it was Mr Smiths bedroom window until he lent out, threw a shoe at me and shouted the time. Flew to aerial and had a poop. Felt good.

Thursday

It wasn't my fault I didn't see Mr Smith until the last minute, I was distracted. The bird bath was too full anyway and I'm sure a bit of water didn't hurt him. I flailed around a little and was maybe a tad over dramatic, after all he was in splashing distance, before flying away and crashing into the conifer. Must stop eating fatty things, I'm getting quite podgy.

Friday

Sat pecking at jam sandwich minding my own business when out of nowhere comes Mr Smith shouting and flapping for no reason whatsoever. Of course dear diary I flew away bemused by the whole thing, after all jam will wash out of cream garden furniture cushions I'm sure. He does show off sometimes. Flew to aerial and had two poops. Result! Must have been the jam.

Saturday

Got completely smashed eating some fresh vegetables from Mr Smiths garden, spent the next few hours flapping from roof to roof singing and fighting with Cyril. Mr Smith got very angry. Every time I tried to approach him to explain I was happy he just shouted and flapped his arms. He will never fly, he's too fat lol. Cyril said we must do more to annoy him, I think Cyril may be right.

Sunday

Oh my god, Cyril has done an amazing thing. He flew into Mr Smiths house! Straight through the double doors he went, did a couple of circles and flew back out. Cyril said it was the best thing he had ever done although he couldn't control his bladder whilst he was in there. Mr Smith was not happy, it took him the rest of the day to clean the conservatory. Cyril smiled all day, what an adventure! Decided to have my afternoon poop over the back door for a change, it makes a lovely different sploshing sound as it hits the decking instead of slabbing.

Monday

A new week, I feel a bit ill, I think I ate a dodgy kebab last night and my guts are really off. Mr Smith is out in the garden, I might try and fly to him to try and apologise for Cyril's behaviour although Mr Smith is quite stupid and dosen't understand what I'm saying. On second thoughts I'll just go and let all this out over his newly cleaned car, I'll keep you posted dear diary...

Tuesday

OMG he went mental! I was like hahahaha he was like WTF, Cyril laughed so much he pooped a tank full. He nearly covered two square feet in one go. Mr Smith didn't find that funny either and started to jump up and down in a rage, I fear he may be one of those attention seekers. We are going to try and fly as close to him as we can later, should be fun!

TBC

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals