Come Whine With Me

Just a couple of things before today's blog to sort out, if any of you are watching this weeks Come Dine With Me in Mansfield I would just like to point out a few inconsistencies just in case you have decided to visit Mansfield and see the worlds largest sundial. It's not there, in fact it's five miles away in Sutton-in-Ashfield, likewise we don't have any casinos so being a croupier would be a tad difficult. Also missing was a typical Mansfield accent mi'duck, mushy peas, cockles, Greggs, t'pit, chips, fights and a Saturday night with sights that will forever remained burned on your retina. In fact it seems they had trouble getting anybody from Mansfield to take part as in the second episode it had sneakily changed to Mansfield and the surrounding areas.

So in the spirit of putting the 'Mansfield' back in I thought I would come up with my own menu and entertainment.

So suspend your disbelief, place your tongue firmly in your cheek and get ready to...

Come Whine With Me

Dress Code - Tracky Bottoms, trainers and bling. Bring yer own fags.

STARTERS

You want a bloody starter? What do you want that for, think your posh or summat? I'll give you a bloody starter, pass me that tin of prawns and that green stuff that rabbits eat. There you go, prawn cocktail, you wouldn't get that bleeder in a restaurant. Eh duck, pass us that lager, I'm parched. Mek us a sarnie whilst your at it.

MAIN

Right you buggers, what do you want for dinner? I've got menus from seven tek-aways, you can ave a chinky, injun or pizza, just keep it under a tenner, I'm not made o'money. None o'that garlic bread either, it stinks the bloody place out. Reet, so that's one chow mein'n'chips, a chicken tikka'n'chips, a bag'o'chips with a pukka pie and a large meat pizza wi' none o'that green stuff on it. It'll tek 'bout twenty minutes if he gets a bob on, just enough for a couple o'pints. Pass us another lager duck, me mouths like Gandhi's flip flop.

Whilst were waitin I got us some entertainment, my friend Mike, he does Elvis on the spoons, tek it away Elvis.

I don't know what 'appened, he's not normally drunk at this time of day, pick 'im up and clear that sick up before grub arrives. Fair put me off has that, pass me a lager. There's some wine in the fridge if any of you poshies want it. No I don't know what bloody grape it is, I got red and white, we don't all live on bloody champagne and caviar you bloody laahdy-dars.

Tek lid off and tuck in, not bad eh? None o'that cooking crap, this is proper grub.

Some time later...

And another thing, none of them know what they are doin, it all went down hill when pits shut, then they shut all o'factories, now all we got is nothin, not even a big sundial. Meks me weep.

DESSERT

Ah got summat really special for puddin', it a Viennetta and a Yorkshire puddin' wi' jam on it. Don't say I don't spoil ya, cost a bomb this did.

Don't you like it? Why aren't you eatin' it? Not good enough for yer is it? Right the lot of yer, sling yer hook, I've had enough, come dine with me, more like come and take the p*ss. Pick a window, yer leavin!

SCORES

7/10 - I've had quite a nice time although I'm still getting glass out of my hair.

9/10 - Top food, great host, please don't hit me again.

2/10 - Food was rubbish, I didn't even get a cheese slice wi' mi' chips and he should 'ave gone for Arctic Roll and none of the foreign crap.

5/10 - Average, although I did like it when Elvis dropped his pants when he stood on the table to show us his 'Hound Dog' impression although it did spoil it a bit when he projectile vomited over us all.

Mansfield, tek it or leave it.

Now that's the program I wanted to see, none of this false rubbish, keep it real, keep it Mansfield!

Where's me mushy peas and cockles gone? Jayne, fetch me a lager, I'm parched.

 

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