Fab Gift This Weekend!

Don't forget that this coming Saturday the 25th May is the Impossimal Party event at Castle Galleries, Meadowhall between 1-4pm where we will be officially launching the two new Impossimal pieces, Cake'o'clock and Meet The Family. Both will be on show in canvas and paper editions along with selected rare Impossimal pieces and just maybe an original or two.

Along with all the excitement we will be giving away free badges to all and with purchases over £250 on the day a free print! Yes, a free unpublished Impossimal print whilst stocks last. It's a stunner too, how fab is that! Full details can be found here.

All are welcome for this one off launch event for the new Impossimals, it's free, under cover and with ample free parking, just turn up on the day :) Also just in time to catch us before we go stark raving bonkers with Bloodline in a few months time when you really will think we have gone off our trollies.

See you all this Saturday!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Kung Feck Kitten Sexist Test

1. Its Friday and free gift time! Today our in depth probing questionnaire will attempt to work out if you are angry, a male chauvinist pig or a cat through the use of clever psychological techniques kept secret for millions of years. Simply answer A,B or C and use the chart at the end to reveal the answer.

You are watching television and you realise you have left the remote control out of reach, do you...

A) Swear lavishly, stand up and rip your pants off in anger and stuff them down the back of the sofa.

B) Walk in front of the television to block the view, sit down and raise one leg to give yourself a good clean.

C) Shout the missus in to get it.

2. You sit down for dinner with your family when you realise that you haven't got a spoon for pudding, what do you do next?

A) Pull off the table cloth and dash all the dishes to the floor, upturn all the chairs and smash their legs off then set fire to your hair.

B) Jump up onto the table and sit down, raise one leg and give yourself a good clean.

C) Shout the missus in to tell her off then ask her why she is out of the kitchen.

3. You are waiting at the traffic lights but don't manage to get through as the learner car in front is going slow. What do you do next?

A) Bash your horn with your forehead until you have everyone's attention then drop your pants and swing your tackle out of the window yelling 'knob head' whilst gesticulating with your middle finger.

B) Pay no attention as you don't drive.

C) Blame the missus and bitch and moan at her for the next few minutes until the lights change.

4. You are at the seaside and you have just bought an ice cream 99, you realise as you turn away that the flake is a centimetre shorter than you remember, do you...

A) Smash the ice cream into the vendors face, cover him with strawberry syrup and force feed him Mr Whippy before sticking flakes in his ears.

B) Meow loudly until you get a miniature cone of your own made from the bottom broke off and a little bit of ice cream.

C) Take the missus 99 in compensation.

5. You are in the kitchen making a sandwich but you don't have enough bacon to cover the last inch of bread, do you...

A) Turn on and light all the gas rings, open the oven door and take two forks out of the drawer and stick them in your head whilst shouting 'I am the god of hell fire and I'm out of bacon!' Dance around the cooker shouting 'burn baby, burn' as you empty the contents of cereal packets onto the fierce heat of the hob.

B) Yowl and meow your heart out until you get a piece, if the fails jump up onto the worktop and help yourself.

C) Trick question, the kitchen is for the missus.

6. You are at a restaurant with a lady and the waiter is waiting for your order but you can't decide on a starter, do you...

A) Tip the table over and drop your pants. You remove a lighter from your pocket and bend over to let out a big trumpet which you set fire to as it exits. The following fireball removes facial hair from the entire room and gives everyone a ruddy pallor, you then choose the scallops.

B) You stand at the back door and meow for fish scraps.

C) Ask your lady friend why she is out of the kitchen.

RESULTS

Mostly A) You are perfectly normal and exactly the overreacting type we need in today's me society. Congratulations, your anger problems are no greater than anybody else's and you will fit in fine, go outside and punch somebody.

Mostly B) Congratulations you are a cat, don't forget to follow the cat code and never reveal that you can talk and read. Take every opportunity to have a fettle whilst people are eating and always sleep somewhere warm and inconvenient to your slaves. Yowl to annoy and meow to beg.

Mostly C) Well done your attitudes to women are stuck in the 70's. Get yourself a beard, splash on some Brut and go an find some birds at the boozer. You won't and you will spend the rest of your life with your mates supping a pint and moaning how things aren't like they used to be when you could slap a bird on the arse and stare at her tits without being called a pervert.

D) If you are still reading this then don't forget that there is a free event next Saturday, 25th March at Castle Galleries in Meadowhall where we will be launching two new Impossimal prints and having a party between 1-4pm. Everyone is welcome and it's entirely free, just turn up on the day. We will both be there along with free badges, drink, Impossimals and a special surprise!

E) If you are a cat think on about coming along, you will only probably sit in the middle of the gallery and lick your bottom.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Cine

Welcome to Austerity Cinema, a new experience in cinema going. We bring you all the latest blockbusters direct from Cricklewood. Here's our listings for the week beginning 20th March.

Toy Story 4 - In The Closet

The thrilling adventures of a hoop and a stick played out brilliantly in a small wardrobe. Contains no CGI anywhere and very little stop motion animation keeping it real. No voice actors required as toys don't talk adding to the pedantic realism.

90mins PG - Contains excessive hoop beating and a small comb.

FILM NOW - 'From the moment hoop appears its presence in screen is dominating...method acting at its finest...a must see!'

Jaws 6 - Gaping Gums

After knocking over a glass of water Arthur's false teeth are freed to go on a rampage. Over two hours of nail biting tension as the bedroom is searched until armed with a cushion he corners the falsies and a final epic battle ensues.

124mins 18 - Graphic mastication.

FILM FOCUS - 'I had to look away as Arthur's toes became lodged in the molars...heart stopping action!'

Close Encounters Of The Fourth Kind - Smashed

A encounter with a flashing torch in his backyard sets a thrilling chain of events causing our intrepid hero to shape his mashed potato into a eight foot mound called the Devils Tower. Fifty five minutes into his epic build the mash tower collapses and the rest of the film is spent digging him out. Thrilling.

104mins PG12 - Contains potato related injuries some people may find distressing.

FILMS-4-U - 'The collapse of the potato tower is suitably climatic after the build up with the gravy boat...pure genius!'

Italian Job - The Request

A fly on the wall documentary at a well known pizza restraurant as we follow its employees deal with a request for a Supreme with no cheese. Riveting stuff.

84mins 18 - Contains scenes of mild meat feast peril and one expletive not unlike feck.

FILMS-R-US - 'Eat before you watch...a veritable chewfest!'

Die Hard 6 - Die Trying

Pitched battles between Stan and hundreds of seagulls on Skegness beach as they send wave after wave to take the flake from his 99.

72mins U - Mild scenes of excessive bird pooping.

FILMS-2-GO - 'Watch carefully around thirty minutes in when a spotted gull swoops and takes the top inch off the flake...goes mental around ninety minutes when Stan looses it and starts throwing chips at them. Awesome!'

Iron Man 4 - ImPressed.

After dismantling the Corby trouser press in his hotel room Bert is left with the task of using his portable iron instead to remove the creases.

109mins PG12 - Contains nudity, sex, foul language, Hulk Hogan, Big Daddy, Ken Dodd and the Krankies.

FILMS-U-LIKE - 'When Bert flies into a rage after realising the power cord is too short I nearly bust a gut laughing...take a spare pair of pants with you, you'll need them! Super!'

Our regular Arthur Askey look a like competition will now be held every Monday night at 8pm whilst the Shunters and Bumpers club, our vintage steam engine society has been cancelled after making such a mess last week during the showing of a multi uncoupling and derailment film.

Don't forget we now sell The Andre, a giant cup of popcorn containing a metric tonne, enough to see you through a good 90mins and the prefect accompaniment to our bucket slurpies, now containing more sugar than ever!

Don't forget to visit our website at LOAD "BASIC",8,1 and press return.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

In Old Money

Money has been with us a long time, it was invented way before fire and food and usually consisted of shaped stones similar to our pea gravel decorated with numbers denoting the value. I only know this because of all the props I have been gathering as I have been creating the new Lost Impossimals Bloodline collection, so today I thought I would share more interesting strange but true facts about cash.

The largest ever bank note was issued in 1324BC by the ruler Tutankhamen to pay for a conservatory to be built on the side of the great pyramids. It took three days to erect and was made out of uPVC and Argon filled double glazing but failed to take into account the high temperatures experienced in a desert so came without a roof vent. The heat was so intense and the structure so big that the sand underneath turned to molten glass and it floated away carving out the Nile until it fatally came to rest in Pompeii. Remains of the great molten conservatory tsunami can still be found there today in the grisly forms of residents encased in molten plastic, a bit like Han Solo and carbonite. Only with no Wookies.

In 1977 all school children throughout the land were issued with this stunning coin to celebrate the jubilee. It became law in 1978 that this coin must be carried at all times as proof of citizenship. Random searches were carried out with children forced to empty their satchels in the streets, any child not carrying the coin would be Immediately deported. To enforce the law all milk rations were taken from schools to harden kids up just in case they fell foul of the law and had to fend for themselves in a foreign land. The law was finally dropped in 2012 so you can now safely take the coin out of your wallet and place it somewhere safe.

When decimalisation came into force during 1971 there was often confusion on what exactly constitutes new money. Sixpence, worth 2.5p became the new 5p, feet became metres and lbs became kg which made it difficult to buy Bulbs as they were now called Bukgs.

Before 1939 a British pound note weighed exactly one pound which is where we get the expression 'pound for pound'. It was only after Reginald Winterbottom expired in a small puddle that the weight was reduced. The unfortunate gentleman was running to the bank when he tripped, the £136 in his top pocket was so heavy that he was unable to get up again. He was still there two days later only managing to struggle and remove £3 before it rained and he drowned.

Pound coins today are made of a special alloy that is radioactive, inside each one is an encoded transmitter that reports back its location every ten seconds. The government has an underground complex that monitors all these movement using large multi screen computer systems. You can always tell if the government is watching you at any given moment by using any vending or car park ticket machine that takes pound coins. If you coin gets rejected it's the government sending a signal to your coin, they want to delay you a little whilst they download your memory from the chip that was embedded in you during the vaccination jabs you had when you were young. Don't believe that you have an embedded chip? Then try this test, take any shell and put it up to your ear, the whooshing sound you hear is the low frequency hum of the power adapter located just inside your rectum.

The 1/2 pence piece used to buy two penny chews in 1973 now you would need 2,000,000 to buy a £10,000 car and it would take the car sales staff 23.14 days to count them at one every second. Banks love lots of change as it makes them feel special, take them all mixed up in assorted bags and you will be treated like a royal customer.

If you took all the one pence pieces in the world an put them end to end you would have a long line of pennies. Fact.

You can no longer spend a penny, using a public toilet now costs on average a whopping £1 for a pee and £2 for a number two with no refund if it was just passing wind with the creation of Lush Flush automated conveniences replacing local council run public toilets.

Finally, a new coin called the austerity coin will enter our currency next year, although the face value will show £3 it's only actually worth 25p in real money and comes with a promise that it will be worth less each and every year. To help keep this promise the government would like you all to know its working hard to give you less for more, will raise extra funds through the use of stealth taxes and take no responsibility whatsoever for anything unless of course you are genuinely in need, then of course we will step in and drain your bank account whilst raising the retirement age beyond your average life expectancy.

Looking after our pounds to keep you in pennies.

This has been a short history of currency bought to you by The British Coin Rubbers and Pound Strokers Association founded in 1967 for rubbers of coinage worldwide.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Look At My Balls

I saw a funny thing yesterday, actually I saw quite a few funny things yesterday but that's by the by. The one that stuck out in my mind was a handmade sign stuck on the back windows of a normal small car. It simply said 'I Read Your Fortune At Home Or In The Car, tel xxxxxxxxx'.

I have so many questions, all of them bordering on disbelief. For a start offering to do it in your car is a bit flamboyant, I mean what if you have a mini and she, I assume its a she, turns up decorated with fortune telling fluff carrying a small table, tarot cards and a crystal ball, it's going to get awfully cramped. Where does she set up? In the back seat so she can fix a temporary set of curtains between front and back? I can't really see her doing it in the passenger seat as her table wouldn't straddle the gear stick and its bad enough passing a sweet between passengers never mind crossing a palm with silver. Do they still do that by the way? Silver is 50p, 10p or 5p, not much money in it is there? Here love, here's 5p, I only want to know what I have got for tea.

So I thought I would try something similar and offer to read your fortune everywhere and for free. No more car clairvoyance, no more tarot in a Toyota. It's quite simple, chose a number between one and ten then think of a letter between A and J. Combine them both for your super accurate prediction.

Questions

1.Will I get rich?

2.Will I win the lottery?

3.Will I go bald?

4.Will I grow a pair?

5.Will I have children?

6.Will I ever get married?

7.Will I ever be a pop idol?

8.Will I live to be a hundred?

9. Will I ever be happy?

10. Will I ever get a friend?

True Predictions That Are Super Accurate

A. Only if you do drugs then you will be friends with a rainbow pooping unicorn and a small elephant called Ronald.

B. Maybe, it all depends on what you do when you meet a tall dark stranger, with a limp, both arms in plaster, in a Stetson, wearing a raincoat and carrying a half empty whiskey bottle. That is your destiny.

C. It may happen, but then again you think you can sing whilst in reality your voice curdles milk and causes puppies to implode. Small children have had spontaneous nosebleeds when you have attempted to sing Biebers Girlfriend so the future may not be what you have asked.

D. Who cares?

E. It will happen, to somebody, somewhere. It could be you, either that or my crystal ball is greasy and needs a good buffing. I knew I shouldn't have had a bag of crisps before handling my balls.

F. Probably not, grab a beer, order a pizza and watch television, life, it doesn't get better than that. Oh, nearly forgot, there's some bad news too, your are going to...

G. No you won't, instead you are destined to become a raging alcoholic lion tamer who decides after having a midlife crisis to be an artist only to find its even more depressing so you return to the drink, fart around all day and worry over the cardinal sin of using black in a painting.

H. Yes it will happen, I am also an habitual liar and prone to exaggeration.

I. The mists are unclear but I see children in your future, 76 of them to be precise but unfortunately all your teeth will fall out. I also see a man called Jeremy Kyle enter your life, hang on, I can just see his last name, it's Show, he's linked to your future in a big way.

J. Possibly, but it's more likely that you will open your wardrobe one day and find right at the very back that there's a door. If you open that door you will find a staircase. Climb the staircase and you will find a slide, go down the slide and you will be back in your room. Life's like that get used to it.

Predictions verified by Madame Cholette Wombledon, psychic to the stars, mouthpiece to the spirit world and professional mud wrestler.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Panto

Over the last few months I have been constructing many things, one tool I find incredibly useful is a home made pantograph. This tool has fallen out of fashion with the advent of computers but essentially it allows you to scale up drawing and plans according to how you cut or adjust the construction. Today I'll show you how to make a simple cardboard one to try out.

You will need four strips of stiff cardboard, two twelve inch and two four inch, four split pins, one drawing pin, a pencil, cocktail stick and finally a board to pin it to.

Join the two large strips together as shown and fix with a split pin.

From the join measure the four inches down, the same as the small pieces and make a hole.

Secure both pieces using split pins then join them in the middle to create a square that should be equal on all sides. If it's slightly out any sizing you do will either be fatter or taller depending on which bit is incorrect.

With both these pieces joined pus through a pencil so just the tip is showing, secure the remaining length shown top left with a drawing pin so that it still moves freely.

Like this. There should be no resistance to the movement.

Use a cocktail stick as a pointer and place your image that needs up scaling underneath. Use the pencil to guide the pointer over your image and voila, a larger version appears underneath. Unite simple I know but I use it to get accurate upscaled measurements.

This picture was so tiny but I needed window dimensions and a couple of other measurements, so for a bit of fun I placed the iPad with this image underneath and traced away. Eventually I ended up with a rough larger scale version that I could build over the top of.

So that in turn gave me the start of the shop window front, additional measurements were taken from different Victorian plans and applied to the model to eventually give me this.

A full sweet shop, part of a six foot street I constructed over the last three days for the final piece of Bloodline.

Try making a pantograph, it's not nearly as useful as they used to be but it passes five minutes and you learn that if you modify one of the parts it can be turned into a Fatbooth, allowing you to trace photographs and enlarge features on the way giving you a chance to become your very own caricature studio.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Scissors Scissoring Sizzling Succulent Sausages

Free gift Fryday and your chance to wake up every morning to breakfast in bed with this superb Hide The Sausage Breakfast Mobile. You will require, two metal coat hangers, some string and a pair of scissors. Please get an adult to cut out the pieces from the screen if you are under the age of six. N.B. not suitable for porridge eaters, fruit fanciers or children under two months.

Here's your prize starter complete with handy hole ready to string. This elegant pork and tomato banger is a nice chunky average size, just what you want first thing in the morning. None of your cheap stuff here only genuine 100% British pork imported from Europe goes into these handmade with a machine artisan mass produced bangers. Cut it out and move on.

To a nice fried egg, just look at that juicy yolk waiting to be poked. Imagine laying in bed watching your egg moon slowly rotate above you in graceful motion as it circles the black pudding. Well dream no longer, cut it out and move on.

Crispy bacon done to a T. No breakfast is complete without bacon, indeed no meal is complete without bacon. Hell, I even have bacon and custard for dessert. Top tip, cut this out and rub across a spare rasher, not only will you have your bacon but first thing in a morning you will also smell it, ahh, the aroma, it's magical. Cut out and move on.

A bit of toast or fried bread? Don't mind if I do. A sumptuous piece of bread used as a sponge to soak up your daily intake of saturated fat. Spread this one with butter once you have cut it out to add a splash of colour.

Love it or hate it black pudding is here to stay. Enjoy this meal of congealed blood, it makes a perfect accompaniment to your breakfast and tastes even better if you treat it like a biscuit and dunk it in your tea first. Rub with boot polish for an increased black pudding effect. Cut out and move on.

Now we have most of the ingredients ready there's not mushroom left. See what I did there? Did you? I used mushroom instead of much room, how clever is that. So to be a fungi, 'fun guy', get it? Cut this out as many times as you need mushrooms and move on.

Nearly there, don't make a hash of it quite yet. I did it again, I used hash under this hash brown, puns don't get any better than this. Anyway, cut this one out carefully as its made of potato and hashes and move on.

Fried tomato, the breakfast staple, add a little bit of good olive oil and a pinch of salt to taste, place this with the others, it doesn't need cooking for too long and it's safe to eat raw.

Finally baked beans, simply cut out two hundred of these to decorate the ceiling around your mobile. Stick them on like little stars to create your own Beaniverse, occasionally group clusters together for solar systems and leave a blank circle somewhere to simulate a beanhole, the breakfast equivelent of a black hole.

Now you have all your parts take the two coat hangers and twist them together. Place hanger one over hanger two and pull flap three from part C, finally get down on both knees and tug at U. Tie items on with shoelaces or string.

You should now have a mobile that looks like this. Simply hang it above your bed in the Beaniverse and wake up every day to a stellar breakfast experience. Rotate clockwise to witness the hide the sausage effect as it gracefully wafts by the bacon and skims your fried egg. Watch in delight as it seemingly nosedives at the black pudding only to pull up at the last minute narrowly avoiding the hash brown. Breakfast ballet for your soul absolutely free.

Don't forget to send me pictures of your Beaniverse and mobile, get those scissors scissoring sizzling succulent sausages!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals