We've MOVED!

WE HAVE MOVED!

FIND US

HERE

or

GO

HERE

http://petersmithartist.co.uk/

Something Special

Over the last eleven years we have only ever allowed Impossimal artwork to be used on a select few quality products, the last being over five years ago with the final set of cufflinks so after much deliberation and a lot of making sure we only find the correct products we decided in the lead up to Christmas to allow the Impossimals to grace a few more through the use of an innovative and select online store.

Impossimals do seem incredibly suited to certain items though. I myself fancied a new keyring and cufflinks and that is what started this new Impossimal creation, a need for something a little different and after a little bit of searching I found a place that would help us bring it all together.

Anyhow, I'm rambling.

Ahem, OK, here goes...

There is a new Impossimal online store; it has selected Impossimal creations that compliment the limited editions and celebrate the Impossimal collections over the years including the brand new Lost Alice release with a series of three Bone China Mugs created just for the tour.

It's not big, it's not here to replace anything, it's here to say thank you to everybody who has contacted us and all the emails we receive on a weekly basis asking for cufflinks, compacts, calendars and numerous other items for Impossimal collectors to cherish. We will be adding new Impossimal collectables on a regular basis and retiring others, each year we will have a single collectable Impossimal creation specifically just for that year. Other times we will have time limited editions to coincide with limited edition releases.

So a nice little compliment to the Impossimal world and if you have any ideas of future Impossimal pieces or designs you would like to see then just let us know.

The calendar is now on Amazon PRIME with guaranteed delivery times now they have finally got their act together after being overwhelmed by orders and breaking their system initially, you can find the link on our website at www.petersmithcollective.co.uk or click HERE

As for the new online store, well that can be found  HERE

FINALLY...

2016 NEW LIMITED EDITIONS!

2016 is the Year Of The Impossimal where we and the galleries go IMPOSSIMAL crazy!

Oodles of new editions coming your way including...

The follow up to 'Go Big Or Go Home' - 'Wine Club'

A Fabulous 'You Are FAB'

The Wonderful Family of Four in 'Sweet Dreams Are Made Of This'

And for all you doughnut loving people 'Donut Worry, Be Happy!'

& MORE!

The galleries are getting ready, we are ready, are you ready?

And then at the end of 2016 when you think it's all over, is this...

It's going to be fab!

Hee-Haw!!!!!! Look At My ASS!

Its Monday morning so its time for Donkey Wise Donkey Advise, our regular column dedicated to your problems with our Wise Donkey solutions. Todays blog has been sponsored by www.donkeydodonkeydontdonkeywisedonkeylies.com a subsidiarity of www.sheepgobaapigsgooinkandpandassitaroundalotandlooksad.com

Dear Three Wise Donkeys,
I am a working mother of two and I have recently run up a large credit card bill without my husbands knowledge. To cover the payments I went to a loan shark who charged me 1000% interest on the ten pounds I borrowed. I now owe the loan shark £19,923 and the credit card company £83,993 what shall I do wise donkeys?

A.Concerned For My Kneecaps, Dudley

Well you have got yourself in a little bother haven't you dear, we need to get those debts in order as soon as possible. I recommend buying a large saddle, a blanket and a nose bag. Take all these down to Skegness beach and harness yourself up. Offer rides up and down the beach just like we do in times of trouble and pretty soon you will be making money hand over fist. You can also charge to have a photo taken with you for extra income. Wear a small bell so you attract attention as you canter up and down the sands. You will be debt free in no time. Next!

Dear Three Wise Donkeys,
I have a terrible habit of always finishing off other peoples food, it has had such an impact on my life I now weigh just over one metric ton and fear it may hinder my job prospects of becoming a prima ballerina. What should I do?

Eddie Large Cake, Piecrust, Northants.

Don't worry Eddie, we have the perfect solution. Our new fitness regime Donkeyrobics, a cardio vascular exercise that will banish those pounds instantly. Simply buy a saddle, a blanket and nose bag and pop down to the beach. Offer rides up and down a mile stretch of beach and watch those pounds drop away. At night simply retire to a small field and gallop around a little before settling down on a pile of hay. I guarantee you will feel fitter and get closer to you dream of being a prima ballerina in no time at all. Next!

Dear Three Wise Donkeys,
I have a penchant for wanting to dress up in my wife's clothes when she is out, is this normal and what should I do?

Billy Frilly Knickers, Kinky, Essex

It's perfectly normal to have feelings like this, our recommendation is to be open about it with your wife. Get her to share your passion and encourage you to dress up in her underwear, then apply a little lippy, nail varnish and make up. To help your transition into society simply buy a saddle, blanket and nose bag and get down to the beach. People will love to ride you up and down the sands for a fee especially as you have gone to the trouble of dressing up a little. You wife can act as your handler so you can both enjoy cross dressing beach riding as if its perfectly normal, which as we know it is!

Dear Three Wise Donkeys,
You are crap, all you ever talk about is running up and down the sand.

Miss I.M.Honest

Well get you! Don't knock it until you have tried it dearie. Frolicking up and down the sands with some random stranger straddling you sounds right up your street you little strumpet. From what I have heard you even do it for free, tart!

Dear Three Wise Donkeys,
Your weekly column has been suspended until further notice. You are not funny or entertaining in any way and you also break all donkey rules by being able to use a keyboard.

A.Ass, Association Of Donkey Poking Of Britain.

Hee-Haw,Hee-Haw,Hee-Haw,Hee-Haw,Hee-Haw!!!!

Bustin' Make's You Feel Good

CASE NUMBER 435 - DOUBLE TROUBLE

The first we knew of the event was when the Toastbusters hotline rang. A full soft white farmhouse slice apparition had appeared at an undisclosed location, they are terrifying at the best of times but this had a new twist, it was in the shape of Elvis. Witnesses say moments before they glimpsed a power cord snaking around the corner and feared it might be the beginnings of a Toastergiest infestation.

We climbed into Breville One, the official Toastbusters vehicle and loaded our biggest toasting fork and our toastergiest pack.

Specially developed our toastergiest pack contained everything needed for taking down bread based apparitions and Toastergiests. Tongs allows us to keep a safe distance, a wide spatula for crumb capture, a tomato shaped timer so we know when a toastergiest is about to burn and finally a small cheese knife. Actually that last item is just for us, we do like a bit of cheese and Toastbusting is hungry work indeed.

We arrived at the scene, a kitchen in a typical house but the evidence was quite clear, a white bread Elvis, classic Toastergiest grade one activity was still there. Carefully using the spatula we placed it in our click'n'lock lunchbox, specially created to hold sandwich spirits, although not many people know that and use them to keep food fresh, a waste really, they are precision storage units and must not be operated by untrained individuals.

Just then we heard a noise behind us...

A cup had mysteriously appeared on a nearby cupboard, it wasn't there moments ago, at least we don't think it was there, not that we really noticed as another noise made us turn back to where Elvis was found, amazingly our Toastergiest had another trick up its sleeve.

Tea cup lining or as we in the trade call it Teatoplasmic activity, a mild version of Parabiscuit activity. For it to show this amount of Toastergiest activity it must be close.

'There, it's here!, quick!' I yelled as the Toastergiest whipped around a corner. 'Get it before it disappears or worse starts Toastoplasmic Ejection!'

In hot pursuit we chased it up and down the stairs and readied our tongs for a full frontal assault. When all of a sudden it disappeared leaving behind a trail of untoasted medium white in its wake.

It obviously wanted us to follow. Slowly we crept around the house following the bread based path until we had found our way into the hallway. We heard a 'plink' and several white shapes flew past our heads missing by inches. 'Toastoplasmic ejection! watch out one of those things could cause a nasty scuff!' Squares of bread were now furiously flying at us from the lounge, one lethal looking Warburton half and half toastie cruised past at lightening speed taking out our cups of tea.

I stuck the camera around the corner and fired off a quick snap for the records, the Toastergiest was in full ejection activity.

Whipping its flex furiously slice after slice whistled through the air, how much more can we take? Using the spatula as a shield we decided to charge the Toastergiest, if we could jam the tongs in the toasting slots we would have a chance of disabling its defences, only then could we deal with it using our Hoovervax Dust Bag Cyclones, specially developed vacuum cleaners that when the streams are combined create enough suck to strip bark off a tree.

We rushed forward, tongs extended under the merciless assault of a thick crust battering.

It was a trap! Hidden behind the sofa was one of the most feared apparitions, a dreaded Binshee. With a terrible howl that we will never forget it disgorged its entire contents in our direction foiling our attempt and scaring the bejeebers out of us at the same time.

We didn't mean to run but let's be fair, would you want to tackle the fearsome combination of a Toastergiest and Binshee under an assault of crusties?

The case was closed the very next day when the occupant of the property decided they had had enough of Bakernormal activity and asked me not to disclose their location. So on that cheery note if you find a bread Elvis or suddenly find a cup in an odd place, beware, you coud have a Toastergiest.

You have been warned.

Don't have nightmares.

Christmas Is Coming (10p O.N.O) No Time Wasters

It's November and the Christmas cheer is filling the shops with festive fun in the form of tortuous music and gaudy baubles so lets start early with a scrimpers guide to Christmas for less than 10p, probably. 

Impress family and friends with your thriftiness and thrill them all with special time saving gift tags, the ultimate Christmas tree using our handy planner and save £££ on crackers by simply making your own.

First up is this ornate gift tag cleverly using TXT SPK to appeal to youngsters (for all you oldies out there the above text speak actually says 'This is for you, a special gift from myself to a special friend). No more writing out personal messages, no boring Merry Christmas Grandad, enter the twenty second century and simply print out the above as many times as necessary and attach them to your gifts. It saves time, money and sentimentality when all you are interested in is what you're going to get. Occasionally you may get problems if the gifts get mixed up but hey, maybe Auntie Mabel wanted underarm hair removal cream, she could certainly do with it on her moustache. 

Planning a perfect Christmas tree is never easy so why not use our handy chart. Simply print it out the same size as your tree and you can lay it down on a flat surface and try out different combinations safely and effectively before hanging it all on the tree. Avoid disputes, solve bauble position problems and work out the best way to trail tinsel. When happy with the layout use string to divide your actual tree into squares just like our grid and stand back shouting coordinates to your family as you hand them the decorations. Great fun and can be used year after year, no batteries required!

The price of mince pies and shots of brandy has skyrocketed this year so leaving a free plate out for Santa is a little foolhardy, he's fat enough and possibly on the verge of some serious medical conditions so help Santa out with this 3D imitation Santa treat for Christmas Eve. Santa will be thrilled, two, yes, two mince pies, a shot of the good stuff and of course a carrot for Rudolph, who after being picked on by the other reindeer's you are now reinforcing his isolation from the rest of the group by only giving him a present. Fool children and adults alike by simply chucking the printout in the bin as soon as everyone goes to bed and replacing in with a real plate.

Do you prepare yourself for PP's on Christmas Day? PP stands for p*** poor and are last minute, unfathomable gifts that make you gasp in their awfulness. Often wrapped in the gaudiest of paper these shockers often cause major fights over the Christmas dinner as you continue to show your displeasure at getting a pair of slippers instead of a new convertible or private jet. Well, no more, now you can grimace and mouth abuse in secret with this handy grin on a stick. Simply hold this in front of your face for the duration of Christmas Day to fool everyone into thinking its the greatest Christmas ever.

Now for the ultimate cracker to pull look no further than the all-in-one Charade Cracker, a powerhouse of entertainment. For this you will need the following :

A Toilet Roll, kitchen roll, charades (write out your favourite movie or book title), a small dog lead (string), a toy dog (in this case an elegantly fashioned toy dog made from sturdy paper), a bang and of course a hat.

Simply make a toy dog, fold a small bit of paper to save money and embarrassment into a hat that fits on your finger, write BANG on a piece of card and stuff it all inside the toilet roll along with the string and secret charade.

It should look like this, use the remaining kitchen roll to stuff both ends. Place them around the table on Christmas Day and after dinner you can 'pull' them. The noiseless bang avoids worrying pets, the small hat nobody can wear avoids embarrassment, the winner of the pull gets a cherished toy dog which they can attach a lead to and 'walk' around the table and finally there is a charade for the winner to act out. My suggestion is you clear the table and get them to perform it on the table top in front of all your guests for the ultimate in table top games. I remember one year when auntie Maud's charade was 'Three Men and a Donkey'. After climbing on the dining room table, great granddad Bertie was rushed off with heart palpitations when she acted out the naked donkey scene and paramedics took two hours to extract her from the broken hostess trolley she used as a makeshift prop. It took a further three house to remove the crackers. 

Good times.

So that's it for part one of the perfect thrifty Christmas, tomorrow how to cook dinner using free ingredients from dustbins and skips and of course how to jar jellied leftovers for friends, its the gift that keeps on giving. 

Cheer up, it'll soon be Christmas and we will all be in misery.

Halloween Special

Not ONE but TWO spooky LOST ALICE appearances this week in an UNPRECEDENTED series of FORTUNATE events that are ALL FREE and open TO ALL!!!

Join us both with LOST ALICE at Trident Galleries, 1 Allandale Road, Stoneygate, Leicester, LE2 2DA between 6-9pm this FRIDAY 30th for MUSIC, FOOD, DRINK, FUN, FROLICS and of course NAKED LINE DANCING absolutely free. Want more details? Either turn up on the night or phone 01162 745333 for a good time!

Secondly we are at CASTLE GALLERIES, MEADOWHALL on 31st October between 1-4pm for a SPOOKY special appearance. Come along and see PETERS PUMPKINS and Jayne's broom along with LOST ALICE and an assortment of Impossimals absolutely FREE!

To get you ready for this spooky spectacular here's todays guide from the University of Proper Speek to hone your electrocution lessons and speak right. Nuff said, word out.

SEE YOU ALL ON FRIDAY AT TRIDENT GALLERIES 6-9pm or CASTLE GALLERIES, MEADOWHALL 1-4pm on SATURDAY HALLOWEEN (N.B. Delete as appropriate, no goats or magical wardrobes please)

Welcome to the University Of Proper English, we aim to educate our students in the principles of using the correct grandma and how to avoid embarrassing shiitake from over enthusiastic spell chequers.

During our six week coarse you will lean how to spot mistakes as they happened. From spelling errors to languish difficulties our tutors will expertly use simple tech niches to a void pot and tail problems.

LESSON ONE

Highlight the problem areas in this paragraph.

As she mowed his grass he bought out the flowers. They were in pots and ready to plant in the ground now the soil was conditioned with shovels of fresh top soil. He popped his loam into the freshly dug hole before planting the flowers.

This should be quite easy, the above paragraph is nearly all incorrect, of coarse it should really reed, after the correct spell cheque has bean applied like this;

As she moaned, his ass bough tight then flowed. There were inputs and ready to punt the grind now the oil was condoned with shuttles of fresh tit oil. He dropped his load into the freakish bunghole before planning the flow hers.

LESS ONE TWO

Fill in the miss zing word.

A) She f___s like a barn door in a storm.

B) I helped my uncle J__k off a horse.

C) My c__k is the size of a saveloy.

How did you do?

A) the young lady is obviously prone to worrying, the correct word is FLAPS, she flaps like a barn door in a storm.

B) As the uncle is Scottish and has trouble dismounting from equines the correct answer is JOCK, I helped my uncle Jock off a horse.

C) Being facially challenged the gentleman is referring to his nose, or CONK as it can be called. My conk is the size of a saveloy.

LESSON TREE

Sometimes it is useful to use short abbreviations to get a massage a cross, watt do these mean?

A) Lol

B) Rotfl

C) Yolo

D) Thx

E) xxx

AN SWEARS

Were you right?

A) Lol - Languish our linguine, a term used in Italian restraints to describe past her.

B) Rotfl - Really out to find love, an endearing term used between couples.

C) Yolo - Yes, outlaw leftover onions. Used by vegetable activists to get a point across about wastage.

D) Thx - To hear xylophones. Sufferers of xylophonitus or stylophonitus use the term to describe their eternal suffering of a background noise featuring disturbing tones often produced by a bearded man. Sufferers can also be prone to Glockenspielinotion, the fear of four wheeled glockenspiels.

E) xxx - No,no,no! Or Wrong, wrong,wrong! A negative term used to inform someone if they are incorrect.

LEASON FORE

What are they?

A) Pushing Sucker

B) Dog Mermaids

C) Spinny Windies

ANNE SWEARS

A) A vacuum cleaner

B) Seals

C) Electric Fans

Now that you half sampled our land gauge coarse you can apply on line at www.werds4pleasuring.com with our sceptical starting offer of only £49.99 per month.

Apply two day and receive our math metrics coarse abs lute lay three.

No moor milkshakes, no pour spilling, comes whiff a sat his faction garden tea or your monkey Bach.

Teddypocalypse Is Upon Us!

The end of the world is nigh, according to expert historian Norman Nutter in his new book 'Teddypocalypse - The Day We Get Stuffed' (£4.95 from Urmston Post Office). Teddy bears and other stuffed toys will rise up and destroy mankind in what has been dubbed by experts as T-Day, the 15th of October 2015.

This special date is the end-date of a 5,125 year long cycle in the Mesoamerican Long Count calendar and coincides with the Christmas light switch on in Nob End, South Lancashire, a terrifying coincidence which will trigger satellites to transmit a 'switch on' signal to all stuffed entities. A signal that according to Norman was planted in all satellites by a disgruntled toy maker turned scientist during experiments in the 1960's into capoc and stuffing DNA which resulted in the untimely death of seven scientists when a cushion suddenly exploded after leaping up and singing 'My Way'.

TOSSER

Norman explains that when the clock strikes 3:30pm the signal will be broadcast worldwide and urges the public to barricade themselves in a safe place and get ready to fight the stuffed hordes. Cushions, teddy bears and even Hello Kitties should be placed outside and away from weapons such as water pistols and foam hammers. Norman further compares it to a zombie apocalypse as injured soft toys have the ability to reanimate unless their tags have been removed. 

RAMPANT

Following six years of research Norman also reveals that during one experiment Little Ted and Humpty caused extensive damage to a secret facility after being reanimated and had to be sedated with injections of T-24X, a drug that allowed them to be handled without injury. Unable to deactivate them both they remained under sedation they formed part of the Play School project, a secretive underground white room with three windows. Professor Brian Cant, lead scientist Toni Arthur and head of the activation unit Floella Benjamin interacted with Little Ted and Humpty whilst fellow scientists watched, unfortunately in 1964 a technical problem occurred and the live video feed was aired on terrestrial television forcing the BBC to add the recently reanimated Hamble and Big Ted to the project as a cover up operation after realising that too many people had seen it. The live feed to Play School was eventually turned off in 1988 after it was also revealed that Jackanory, a popular story telling program was in fact a sedation channel for the toy asylum in Cricklewood.

STREETS OF STUFFING

Local governments are preparing defences and are urging members of the public to avoid adding any more soft furnishings or toys to their household. Early reports have warned that one satellite may have misfired the trigger over Hull due to the millennium bug and have advised the public to avoid the area after one witness reported seeing a ten foot Huffenpluff throwing a Teletubby from the roof of Greggs and a multi cushion pile up in the city centre.

PIFFLE PAFFLE

An expert at Cambridge University told us 'What a load of rubbish! Everyone knows that it's going to be cats that are activated and they will all reveal they have thumbs. Their demigod Grumpy Cat appeared on earth earlier this year, a sure sign of impending doom, Catpocalypse is on the cards I tell you!', professor Ivor Twangle is the author of ' Catpocalypse - Hello Kitty, No Kitty, Argh Kitty!' (£4.95 from Urmston Post Office) 

Really? You Do Surprise Me For An Idiot

Yes, there is a calendar.

Against overwhelming odds we have managed to shoehorn one in this year with twelve lovely Impossimal months for your perusal. Unfortunately because we don't have massive access to large commercial printing facilities we have used a special online service to produce a really high quality ring bound product that incorporates heavy gauge printing and all the bells and whistles to make it a prestige calendar for 2016.

We will post the link a little later but for now a bit of blatant advertising.

WOW!

PETER & JAYNE SMITH & LOST ALICE

IN

SOLIHULL

AT

CASTLE GALLERIES

when?

SATURDAY 10th OCTOBER

really?

YES

BETWEEN 1-4pm!

am I welcome?

YES

EVERYONE IS WELCOME TO POP ALONG

BRING A FRIEND, BRING A LLAMA,
BRING A JABBERWOCK!

WE REALLY DON'T MIND

BUT MOST OF ALL

BRING YOURSELF!

SEE YOU SATURDAY!

I Speak Your Weight, No Coach Parties Please

As supermarkets have now had time to introduce a new voluntary initiative which was bound to work seeing as its voluntary, involving the voluntary labelling of food for health purposes, even though they haven't agreed on a common design yet it is definitely going to be done sometime next year maybe, today's blog aims to bridge the gap and inform but not finger point at yet another attempt in a balanced way.

Food should be fun, after all we are told that eating carb laden salty ridden breakfast cereals or drinking the equivalent of sixteen cups of sugar in one sitting should have us all skipping to work no matter our body shape or size so with that in mind I can reveal the governments new fun facts traffic light system designed to make food fun and informative.

First of all lets forget all the recommended daily allowances, after all they were created when we had to go out of our cave and bash a few dinosaurs for dinner, chasing a T-Rex all day burned up a lot of energy but there was no television. In today's world we have plenty more to do than chase the odd dinosaur such as sitting at a desk or maybe going to the kitchen to make a sandwich which all burn energy, did you know you burn one calorie every minute doing nothing? Probably. So due to our excessive calorie burning we have less energy, don't chase dinosaurs and so need to eat until we feel full. It all makes sense now doesn't it? 

So as you can see our new pie chart traffic light fun facts tells you what you want to know in a glance. We have used green to tell you it's fine, eat as much as you want, orange indicates that it goes well with chips by identifying salt content in relation to an average bag of chips and we don't use red as it puts people off buying stuff. Fill your trolley safe in the knowledge we have done all the hard work for you.

KNOW YOUR FOOD

Only one of these will make you fat and cost more than any of the others, which is it?

The correct answer of course is C, fruit and vegetables are some of the most expensive products in the supermarket and even worse they come raw and get this, you have to combine them and cook them yourself. But let's delve a little deeper and find out why a humble carrot is fattening. 

It's all to do with the letter C and colour, lets take the, one at a time...

A - Cake - It contains a C at the beginning so is safe to eat in large quantities, it's that healthy that supermarkets place them everywhere around the store to help you select the right cake.

B - Chocolate - It contains a C at the beginning again so handy healthy bars are situated at all supermarket tills for ease, at Christmas you can buy healthy strips of chocolate in yard lengths, these are handy and I recommend one of these to be taken daily as it contains large quantities of calcium, that's milk to me and you, plus chocolate makes you feel happy according to surveys funded by chocolate manufacturers.

C - Carrot - BEWARE Although it starts with a C it's coloured orange as a warning. Carrots come from underground where they are exposed to soil and worms. Would you eat something that had touched a worm? I didn't think so. Rabbits eat them and they have big ears and live underground because they are ashamed, carrots taste a bit like soap too or so I'm told by the microwave food manufacturers who have to use them in their meals after lobbying by 'healthyists'. To prevent you accidentally tasting carrots they recommend you overcook them out of existence in your microwave after they have precooked the hell out of them in the factory. Fruit is also a member of this family and they live with birds in the trees and we have all seen bird poop, Urgh!

D - Ice cream - Double bonus, it contains two C's and comes in a variety of colours and flavours. The benefits of ice cream cannot be denied as it can be served with that other super food, chocolate, giving ice cream a coveted triple CCC rating. Manufacturers make sure they are in handy portion sized tubs and recommend you eat one at each sitting, they can even aid midnight munchies and require no preparation like dirty vegetables.

E - Spam - This is a trick one, at first glance it doesn't fit any categories but think about it, it comes in a can and cans start with C so anything in a can is healthy and you can find such delicacies as jellied chicken, hot dog sausages and even a breakfast!

F - Pizza - This one should be obvious, the addition of cheese, there's that healthy C again, adds calcium whilst the fact that it can be cut into triangles allows for portion control. Pizza is one of the most versatile foods and helps a balanced diet by bringing together carbs in the dough for energy, cheese for healthy bones, tomato sauce for taste and twenty six types of processed meat toppings for protein and vitamins. They may be animal vitamins injected earlier to stimulate meat growth but they never did me any harm. Moo. Pizza should be served with garlic butter bread as garlic has health giving properties and the double carbs washed down with a sugary can of pop is an ideal way to fill up and fit up in one sitting.

WHAT DO I NEED TO DRINK?

Health experts recommend three litres a day of liquid. In real terms that means eight cans of fizzy pop, avoid the sugar free variety as its just flavoured water with very little value for money, go for expensive brands to guarantee you get that sugary hit. Engine oil or a little lard mixed in boiling water helps aid digestion and allows that extra sausage roll to slip down a little easier.

IS MY SHAPE HEALTHY?

Look at the government approved chart and decide on your body shape, use the list below to find out the shocking truth.

1. Absolutely perfect, you bulge in all the right places showing a sustained steady intake of fat, sugar, salt and calorie laden goodies with a disproportional body to head shape. Keep it up!

2. OMG, eat something quick. With little or no fat you will constantly feel cold and your muscle tone will look unattractive to members of the opposite sex. You will be considered a freak and shunned by the public, occasionally you will find like minded people herded into groups at so called gyms. You obviously lack all the daily nutrients required, eat dirty food like vegetables and have no sweet tooth you poor thing. There is hope though, start increasing your chocolate and pork pie intake gradually over the next year and I guarantee in twelve months you will be well on your way to a fuller healthier rounder figure and no longer feel an outsider.

3. Curvaceous and bubbly your favourite food is curlywurlys and quavers, a spot on sweet savoury ratio that should see you into maintaining that attractive figure well into your old age.

4. A quality figure taking a leaf from that peculiar triangular quality street shape. A heavy bottom gives you your own portable sofa and you find you can be comfortable sitting in any situation, especially when eating.

5. Way to go! Top heavy allows for some impressive fashion statements, clothes will hang rather than fit, exactly how designers intended and the extra bulk will strengthen your back while you walk.

6. Beach ball beauty, this seasons celebrity shape celebrating the best in booty. Eat plenty of butter, cheese and of course cream to maintain this sort after figure.

7. You are cock sure of yourself so stand up right and be proud of this seemingly stiff posture, don't go to the gym or take any exercise at all otherwise you will imbalance your unique figure.

Now, to celebrate your new found knowledge you need to give yourself a new name to celebrate, so take your favourite food and add your first pets name to give you your Fit Name.

Today's blog has been bought to you by Health Expert Chips Tiddles, president of the governments Fit Fat Program and Director of Massive Microwave Meals For Schools the leading suppliers of fried food for under fives