Christmas Is Coming (10p O.N.O) No Time Wasters

It's November and the Christmas cheer is filling the shops with festive fun in the form of tortuous music and gaudy baubles so lets start early with a scrimpers guide to Christmas for less than 10p, probably. 

Impress family and friends with your thriftiness and thrill them all with special time saving gift tags, the ultimate Christmas tree using our handy planner and save £££ on crackers by simply making your own.

First up is this ornate gift tag cleverly using TXT SPK to appeal to youngsters (for all you oldies out there the above text speak actually says 'This is for you, a special gift from myself to a special friend). No more writing out personal messages, no boring Merry Christmas Grandad, enter the twenty second century and simply print out the above as many times as necessary and attach them to your gifts. It saves time, money and sentimentality when all you are interested in is what you're going to get. Occasionally you may get problems if the gifts get mixed up but hey, maybe Auntie Mabel wanted underarm hair removal cream, she could certainly do with it on her moustache. 

Planning a perfect Christmas tree is never easy so why not use our handy chart. Simply print it out the same size as your tree and you can lay it down on a flat surface and try out different combinations safely and effectively before hanging it all on the tree. Avoid disputes, solve bauble position problems and work out the best way to trail tinsel. When happy with the layout use string to divide your actual tree into squares just like our grid and stand back shouting coordinates to your family as you hand them the decorations. Great fun and can be used year after year, no batteries required!

The price of mince pies and shots of brandy has skyrocketed this year so leaving a free plate out for Santa is a little foolhardy, he's fat enough and possibly on the verge of some serious medical conditions so help Santa out with this 3D imitation Santa treat for Christmas Eve. Santa will be thrilled, two, yes, two mince pies, a shot of the good stuff and of course a carrot for Rudolph, who after being picked on by the other reindeer's you are now reinforcing his isolation from the rest of the group by only giving him a present. Fool children and adults alike by simply chucking the printout in the bin as soon as everyone goes to bed and replacing in with a real plate.

Do you prepare yourself for PP's on Christmas Day? PP stands for p*** poor and are last minute, unfathomable gifts that make you gasp in their awfulness. Often wrapped in the gaudiest of paper these shockers often cause major fights over the Christmas dinner as you continue to show your displeasure at getting a pair of slippers instead of a new convertible or private jet. Well, no more, now you can grimace and mouth abuse in secret with this handy grin on a stick. Simply hold this in front of your face for the duration of Christmas Day to fool everyone into thinking its the greatest Christmas ever.

Now for the ultimate cracker to pull look no further than the all-in-one Charade Cracker, a powerhouse of entertainment. For this you will need the following :

A Toilet Roll, kitchen roll, charades (write out your favourite movie or book title), a small dog lead (string), a toy dog (in this case an elegantly fashioned toy dog made from sturdy paper), a bang and of course a hat.

Simply make a toy dog, fold a small bit of paper to save money and embarrassment into a hat that fits on your finger, write BANG on a piece of card and stuff it all inside the toilet roll along with the string and secret charade.

It should look like this, use the remaining kitchen roll to stuff both ends. Place them around the table on Christmas Day and after dinner you can 'pull' them. The noiseless bang avoids worrying pets, the small hat nobody can wear avoids embarrassment, the winner of the pull gets a cherished toy dog which they can attach a lead to and 'walk' around the table and finally there is a charade for the winner to act out. My suggestion is you clear the table and get them to perform it on the table top in front of all your guests for the ultimate in table top games. I remember one year when auntie Maud's charade was 'Three Men and a Donkey'. After climbing on the dining room table, great granddad Bertie was rushed off with heart palpitations when she acted out the naked donkey scene and paramedics took two hours to extract her from the broken hostess trolley she used as a makeshift prop. It took a further three house to remove the crackers. 

Good times.

So that's it for part one of the perfect thrifty Christmas, tomorrow how to cook dinner using free ingredients from dustbins and skips and of course how to jar jellied leftovers for friends, its the gift that keeps on giving. 

Cheer up, it'll soon be Christmas and we will all be in misery.

Cracker Crisis Hotline

We all go through it at a certain time of life, we reach middle age and we suddenly have a cracker crisis bought on by the confusion and misery of Christmas. With nothing else better to do today take this handy test to determine once and for all what type of cracker you really are. Use it to solve cracker disputes, cracker related questions and to avoid putting cheese on the wrong cracker whilst you pull a Jacobs apart looking for a paper hat.

Simply choose the statement which closely resembles you and refer to the answer below.

A) You have a large head, a thin neck, a massive stomach, small legs and big feet with a tendency to make a large bang if pulled. Mostly you wear brightly coloured clothes that tests the limits of acceptable fashion statements and you always carry paper hats, mottos and small plastic toys for emergencies. Occasionally you sit uncomfortable at a table waiting to be picked up only to 'go off' at the slightest contact. If you are unwrapped carefully people always shake their heads in disappointment.

B) Your hair is always messy and always need straitening out before you go out. In public you always look enticing and full of promise but you have a tendency to blow things out of proportion. You have a fear of naked flames and don't like people to handle you in a silly manner, a respectable touch is your cup of tea. You are the life and the soul of parties and sparks fly when you are around but your aloofness causes people to stand at least twenty foot away from you even though you are the centre of attention. You are such an emotional wreck that people should never return to check if you are fine after you have been annoyed, it's far easier to spray you with water first.

C) As you walk down any street you turn heads, slim, well dressed and attractive you know your strengths and weaknesses and use them carefully with a regard to your fellow man. Never out of place you are equally at home at the best dinner parties or dressed in scruffs cleaning out the bin. Often complimented you always acknowledge but never gloat.

D) Friends describe you as quite square preferring traditional food, your favourite being cheese of any variety. You have a regular pattern of skin blemishes that resemble small holes and your skin can also suffer from feeling 'flakey'. Being quite a delicate person you can be broken easily, even unintentionally if not protected and you also hate rain and the soggy feeling it brings. Although you go to parties you are often left until last to be served, sometimes you even have to wait until the other guests are drunk before you are allowed to join in.

E) Everytime you open a door you find yourself on your knees looking at the mechanism. A fascination with numbers makes you a bit of a bore but you handle this by going out at night looking for a quiet weathly neighbourhood to stroll through. Your wardrobe consists of nothing but striped jerseys and black masks.

What Cracer Are You?

A) Congratulations you are a Christmas Cracker! Enjoy being pulled and relax a little more, also ditch the stupid clothes.

B) Congratulations you are a Firecracker! Enjoy showing off even though your performance is always disappointingly short.

C) Congratulations you are a Little Cracker, Enjoy being eyecandy, get your coat, you've pulled!

D) Congratulations you are a Cream Cracker, you are boring, secretly though everyone loves you but regrets you in the morning.

E) Congratulations you are a Safe Cracker, can you lend me a fiver?

Hope that has solved your cracker crisis, if you have any more cracker problems don't forget to drop us a line here at www.crackercrisishotline.cr.ack.pot

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals